JeanneA Report post Posted June 9, 2009 I have brought the subject of rent up before regarding my daughter, sorry for bringing it up again but really need your thoughts. I have been charging her £40 a week rent and most of you thought that was not enough. Although she sleeps at her boyfriend's parents house every night she still had most of her stuff here plus had 4 meals a week and an occassional bath and sky tv in her room. My daughter asked again at the weekend for the rent to be reduced to £20 a week, we said no, but compromised and said we would except £30. My daughter because she didn't get her way (£20 a week) then said she was moving out to her boyfriend's parents house permantly. Last night she took a lot of her stuff there but still has more to take. I am left feeling guilty, being a typical soft Mum, and have the feeling she still wants us to back down to £20 a week so she can still have the room here and come and go as she wants. Please give me your thoughts on this, should I let her go ahead and move out or back down. My hubby Carl (her step-dad) wants her to go he does not think we should back down. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
call me jaded Report post Posted June 9, 2009 I would say she needs a period away and would appreciate what she has at home a great deal more if it's not there whenever she wants. Wonder what her 'outlaws' think - have you spoken to them? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted June 9, 2009 (edited) Don't back down! And I would have the rest of her stuff neatly packed for her and ready to go But be ready to welcome her back if it all goes horribly wrong with her bf...but still with £40 rent. How much does she earn in a month...that would give us a better idea of what would be a fair rent. My DS is 19 and pays £200 a month. Bid Edited June 9, 2009 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JeanneA Report post Posted June 9, 2009 Hi bid thanks for your comments. My daugther brings home just over £1000 a month, so we feel she can pay the £40, we have as I've said offered to put it down to £30 but thats still not enough for her she wants to pay only £20 a month. I am a softie that is my trouble and she is playing on that. Its not just that, when she was nearly 15 I left her Dad for the man I'm married to now. I did ask her to come and live with us but she refused. So for nearly 6 years she lived with her Dad before coming to live here when her dad kicked her out because he was fed-up with her very selfish ways which is just what my husband and I are fed-up with now. So after leaving her with her Dad for 6 years do you think I should give in to her demands of £20 a week due to my past guilt? I would love to know what anyone thinks. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGeek Report post Posted June 9, 2009 Wow! Considering how much she earns £40 a month is really nothing! Considering how much she would have to pay out in the real world, and the bfs parents hospitality will only last so long. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, I was giving about that a week to my mum when I lived at home (when I was working that is). Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted June 9, 2009 Stand firm. She can well afford the £40. Will her boyfriends parents be charging her anything? If not, she might as well move in & save her rent. But they would be fools to let her. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted June 9, 2009 She could probably afford to rent her own place on that income! There is no reason why you should offer her a reduced rate because of that. I think your guilt over her living with her father is your perception, and not a good reason to offer her a reduced rate. She made a choice to live with her father and was an adult by the time she came to live with you again. It's not like you abandoned her. I am shortly to move back to live with my parents, and they have said they do not wish to charge me rent until I am earning. They have agreed that I need a month's break before I start looking for jobs, but I do know that they will start pestering me if I do not start looking for jobs immediately after this. My brother is 23 and does not pay them rent because he is at university, and they would prefer him to focus on his studies rather than earning money to support himself. Have you spoken to the boyfriend's parents at all? You don't know what she has told them about her reasons for moving out. It's probably not worth trying to defend your decision to them, but they might come to appreciate that you have opened the lines of communciation. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted June 9, 2009 Jeanne...have a look in your local paper at the rent for one bed flats/shared flats. I think you will see your daughter is being a cheeky wotsit and then some!! £20 indeed...so she has £920 spending money each month, come on!! I think even £40 is taking the proverbial...thats still £840 just to spend on herself...wouldn't we all love a life like that! This is only my opinion, but I think you should suggest she moves out anyway if she won't pay you realistic housekeeping. She's 21, earning a very respectable salary for someone that age, and it seems to me that it's time she was independent. You might find you all get on better if she moves out. She's quite old to be living at home still, coinsidering she's got a well-paid job. I don't think you should let any guilt over things in the past cloud you to what is going on now... <'> Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NobbyNobbs Report post Posted June 9, 2009 (edited) i pay £30 a week to my parents out of my jobseekers allowance (£47)! dont let her guilt you into lower rent, shes just taking advantage of you Edited June 9, 2009 by NobbyNobbs Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chris54 Report post Posted June 9, 2009 I noticed that every one is saying rent. I know this is just a convenient word to use but what we are really talking about is "service charges and food". Where I worked before the residents where charged £65 a week rent for their room and use of the communal kitchen, lounge and bathrooms. On top of that they were changed £65 a week to cover services such as electric, heating, water, council tax, t.v., and then they had their food to buy. Personally if it were me and I had an adult child earning that sort of money I would be looking for more that £40 a week. I think 20% of take home pay would be reasonable. Which for £1000 would work out to £200 a month. By the way when she moves out don't forget to ask for the front door key back. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paula Report post Posted June 9, 2009 Id jump for joy me if it were my daughter upping sticks and moveing out ............if only.Let her go and get on with it then if she wants to come back say yep but we want a months rent in advance at the full 40 quid a week ......... Yes i know im a hypocrite.............see me post on how my own 17 year old daughter runs rings round me and im too soft and she pays no board and takes me for a ride.If only i could take me own advice.But im too soft.Its a lot easier dishing out how to handle teenagers and young people when there not youre own than doing what needs to be done.My daughter has spent up her wages paide me nowt and like a daft fool ive lent her 20 quid .............. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JeanneA Report post Posted June 9, 2009 Yes Chris we intend to get the front door key back this weekend when she should be taking the rest of her stuff! Thanks guys for all the replies it has been so helpful to get people views! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted June 9, 2009 (edited) Yes Chris we intend to get the front door key back this weekend when she should be taking the rest of her stuff! Thanks guys for all the replies it has been so helpful to get people views! Good luck Jeanne <'> I've found that dealing with teenagers/young adults is just an extention of parenting them when they were little. You don't let little kids have everything they want, and you just carry on like that as they get older Bid Edited June 9, 2009 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mum of 3 Report post Posted June 12, 2009 Jeanne, I know you've sorted this out, and I'm so glad, but I've only just read all this, and I'm amazed! No-one has asked how her wage compares to your's , or how much it costs to run your house! In my opinion, that's a major factor. She's paying 4% of her income for living expenses. Does it cost you and your DH 4% of your income to run the house? If so, she's paying a fair wage...if not, you need to do some sums! You don't go to an estate agent and get your pick of any house on the books for a fixed price, you pay rent that matches the costs to the landlord/lady of that house. Your DD earns 40% of my DH and my combined income. Between us, we pay all the mortgage, bills, food for a family of 5, run two cars, pay for any 'extras' such as clothes, shoes, dental bills, holidays, days out, etc...Not to mention the childcare so we can go out to work! As two adults in professional jobs we've had to work out a strict budget that cuts out ALL treats (we've got a grand total of £100 a YEAR to spend on days out for the family, and that includes petrol and ice cream, not just entrance fees! We're spending alot of time at the park this year!). We each have £20 a week 'spending money' to pay for non-essentials such as newspapers, magazines, coffee at work, etc. (and I often 'save' mine to spend on the children, so they can have a comic or a playmobil toy!). We came to this budget by doing a thorough audit on the money website that I'm probably not allowed to mention. It went through every single household expense you could possibly find, and all our income, then did the maths and told us if we were in the red or the green! My advice to you is to sit down and do the same sort of audit for your household. Work out EXACTLY how much it costs to run your house, including repairs, decoration,etc... all those things we somehow find the cash for from somewhere, that make your house so appealing to your daughter! Then, share this information with her. It's very likely that she's never thought of real life in such stark and gory detail before. Then look at the incomes for each ADULT that shares the house, and work out an amount for each to pay based on the proportion that each earns, so for instance if your DH earns twice as much as you, he will pay twice as much towards the bills, and the same for your daughter. Anything left over to each person is their's to spend or save. Your DD may not like this, as it's a big bite of reality. However, at 21, it's time she had that bite, and realised it can taste a bit bitter!!!! I know I sound harsh, but I really feel you're doing your DD no favours by shielding her from the reality of life in this way. She has to learn to be independent and responsible for herself. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JeanneA Report post Posted June 13, 2009 Our mortgage is around a £1000 each month, plus numerous other extras each month in the form of bills etc. My daughter had sky tv in her room which my husband put in for her and all she was paying was £40 which included the sky. I only do a little cleaning work so I don't earn much, my hubby is the main wage earner but he only brings her around £1600 a month. So we find it very tough indeed. My daughter brings home just over £1000 a month and she begrudged paying £40 a week, we could not go down to £20 a week that she asked, we did compromise at £30 but that wasn't good enough. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mum of 3 Report post Posted June 15, 2009 Jeanne, Sorry I have not replied...I thought I had, but there's a button somewhere on my keyboard that keeps deleting my posts just when I think I'm posting them!!! (gremlins! ) I'm so sorry that your daughter has not had the common sense to realise that she was being really unfair on you and very selfish. You and your OH definately shouldn't have been subbing her to the extent that she was expecting, and TBH a dose of reality will probably be the best thing for her. Most likely, she won't come running back with apologies on her lips, but some part of her might come to realise that she has to pay her way, and hopefully she will, at some point in the future, be able to show you that she has become responsible for herself. I can remember feeling very odd offering to pay for my Mum in cafes, etc, once I started working...I'm sure I accepted her offers for far longer than I should have, without even thinking about it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
something_different Report post Posted June 15, 2009 I'm 26 and still live at home! So i guess I am very old to be still living at home! I earn less than ur dd. perhaps ask her to pay one of the household bills if she does not wish to up her housekeeping. I pay £200 per month plus pay a bill by direct debit. i would not back down though. if moving out is a mistake then she will learn from that. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JeanneA Report post Posted June 16, 2009 Thanks for the last 2 comments much appreciated. My daughter is and always has been very selfish I'm afraid, she has never understood why she has to pay rent, she has begrudged paying it, wierd as that may sound to you! Paying rent isn't an essential to her unlike buying loads of clothes, hair dye, handbags, shoes etc each week!! On Sunday, my daughter came and took the rest of her stuff, we are on good terms and I know for a fact she has wanted to live with her boyfriend (albeit in his parents house) for ages but just hasn't been able to tell me! I hope one day she will learn the value of money, will learn how to save would be good instead of spending it all every month once she gets paid! When we did used to go out together, very seldom mind you it was still always me that paid for her in cafes etc, never her offering to pay, or very seldom anyway. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
