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szxmum

Desperate to make friends

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Ds is desperately lonely - I don't know where this myth came about people with AS being happy on their own and not wanting any friends - ds so wants a friend.

 

He seems however to be grasping at totally unrealistic solutions. Last year it was "If I did not have acne I would have a group of friends and a social life". Well we treated the acne with Roaccutaine (fantastic results; brilliant - the acne has gone) unfortunately it was not the miracle solution ds hoped for, still no friends, no social life. Today it was "This town is holding me back. If I lived somewhere else I would have lots of friends and a social life". He couldn't cope with moving out of home yet, he got lost in a village 3 miles away and we had to drive around looking for him :wallbash::wallbash:

 

All he wants is to be a "normal" seventeen year old - to go to the pictures, go for a coffee, hang out and maybe have a girlfriend. He's nowhere near the pubs and clubs stage.

 

My heart bleeds for him and I just want to take away his pain :crying:

 

I can take him out of school, sort DLA out for him but I can't fix this. I've suggested no end of quiet clubs - scouts, stamps, chess, church groups but he will NOT go. I've suggested emailing two old school friends (girl twins) to see if they want to go to the pictures but no. He has one ASD friend but tbh neither has the skills to make it work - they see each other once a month-ish and ds is always disappointed. He is waayyyyy past the age where Mums arrange friends around for tea - that all fizzled out in year 7.

 

I really feel for him - he wants a friend yet he is scared of going anywhere new to try to meet new people. The fear is as strong, if not stronger than the loneliness and I don't know what to do :crying:

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to me it sounds like you need to have the conversation "i cannot fix this for you, there is no instant fix. if you want friends, you need to go and find them". at his age, scouts is a very good idea, as the ones who are still in it at that age tend to be (thinking how to say this tactfully)... less gifted socially. ultimately at his age he's the only one who can make his friends. perhaps try to get to know a leader at scouts to introduce him to. i tend to get involved in things through my mother, for example i now help run my local sunday school, but my mother was there first. drag him along and see what happens.

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I know how he feels!

 

I also must say even IF he did go to scouts, chess clubs, church etc he is unlikely to make real friends, he may manage to be sociable enough to get on with them while they are at the said place, but outwith that the friendship probably would not work. Esp something like Scouts or Church he may just be very quiet and not appear interested in making friends even though he is. Chess i suppose u have a bit more of a chance as u would play people 1:1? not sure.

 

sorry to be so negative :(

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friends while at the club is better than nothing, and would be a start. it might tide him over until he's a bit older and gets into the adult world. i find that i can 'top up' my social levels just by being around peoplel for a while, even if i'm not the bestest of friends with them. its for that reason i spend a lot of time with adults who are friendly with me for whatever reason.

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friends while at the club is better than nothing, and would be a start. it might tide him over until he's a bit older and gets into the adult world.

 

 

the adult world isn't any better!

 

though what about befriending??

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i find having online friends beneficial,

 

it means that i can talk about stuff that i wld not normally have the chance to discuss with anyone else.

 

 

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No easy answers to this. As a mum there's a limited amount you can do with a young adult - I speak from experience!. As you say you can't force him to do anything, you can only make suggestions. It's very frustrating for you, but give it time, things may change. At the moment he may feel more secure in his home environment, but as he becomes less anxious he may discover that other people aren't so bad after all and that there are things he really wants to go out and do.

 

If your son has computer based interests, as SD says, online relationships can provide friendship, acceptance and stimulation and some of them can lead to real life friendships too.

 

K x

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It's a very complex thing, I think, and a combination of time and perception...

 

I finally have a few very good friends, but it's taken me until now to achieve this (that may not be much comfort, sorry :unsure: ). I think partly this is to do with my confidence to hold out for what I consider to be real friendship, which has taken me a long time to develop as in the past I have been so desperate for friendship I would accept very negative or destructive behaviour that I wouldn't countenance now.

 

I also think that as a parent or maybe someone without AS you may have a different perception of friendship. By that I mean that both my son and myself have friends, but we don't socialise with them as much as other NT?? people might do...but that works fine for us. So your son might never have the kind of social life you would like for yourself, but hopefully it will be right for him. And it may take him longer to establish that social life than his NT peers.

 

And I do think Kathryn is right about on-line friendships...I have one dear friend I met on here who I then met in RL as they live nearby, who has shown me so much kindness and support :D>:D<<'> ;)

 

Bid :)

 

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to me it sounds like you need to have the conversation "i cannot fix this for you, there is no instant fix. if you want friends, you need to go and find them". at his age, scouts is a very good idea, as the ones who are still in it at that age tend to be (thinking how to say this tactfully)... less gifted socially. ultimately at his age he's the only one who can make his friends. perhaps try to get to know a leader at scouts to introduce him to. i tend to get involved in things through my mother, for example i now help run my local sunday school, but my mother was there first. drag him along and see what happens.

 

The thing about friends is we all have to make our own. My son at least gives every impression of not wanting any, at school this seems to be borne out, to as he skirts around peers there and doesn't interact no matter how they try. As far as scouts or youth clubs etc, we tried that where it was possible (A lot plain refused to have an autsitic there, claiming insurance risk), my son did exactly the same, stood to one side would not get involved at all, even with other kids trying to include and help him he did not want to know, inclusive play organised by SS etc are the same, now he is refusing to attend them, a lot of the issue there is no children his age are there, he is 14 the others are from8 to 12. There is nothing for older children. I am unsure organised play is spontaneous personally, which is what we want from our child, but routine is what HE wants !

 

As he gets older he is showing frustration, whether this is with his inability to play with others, we don't know as yet, he entirely depends on his dad and mum for companionship, play everything, and wants for nothing else. You can take a horse to water, but if they are not thristy there is not a lot you can do. For some of our children the tone is set from day one..... Nothing we have tried has encouraged him to play with others. The issue is with other support we use which is adult family support, he is simply treating that as part of his routines now, but again NOT interacting with them either. He does need input and lots of it, but only and entirely on his own terms. So far, no further, that's it. Grpoups are definitely out as far as I can see, so sorry social services that doesn't work inclusion doesn't in that respect. I feel a one-on-one peer might do better. My area doesn't really have this set up, I may have to move home to get that for him.

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The fear MUST be stronger than the desire and it's not something you can do for him. He needs to develop some interests around which the social life will come. A new sport perhaps? You can train to be a level 1 coach at just about any sport quite easily without having to be good at it but it's a good skill to have to open doors. I have a friend whose son is doing Coachability.

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It's a very complex thing, I think, and a combination of time and perception...

 

in the past I have been so desperate for friendship I would accept very negative or destructive behaviour that I wouldn't countenance now.

 

 

This is an interesting post, my son is very very sociable and has been allowed to play out in the street as all the other children do in our area and it was impossible to keep him in, in many ways he's been able to progress and make friends but many of them have been the wrong type's of friends whom do work on his vulnerability and this can have disastrous consequences. At the moment he has one very good friend, whom is two years older but acts much older and more grown up, in some ways it's been good he's given my son confidence but on the other hand it's quite scary too. As Bid pointed out at one point and still pretty much now my son will accept anybody to be his friend, even if they are not true friends and later go on to hurt him.

 

I think ultimately as hard as it is with our children we can only offer suggestions and try and steer them in the right direction, my son always thinks he right about his choice of friends but he is starting to slowly learn that some of those friends are not the right ones, having said that though he would rather have anyone to hang about with than know-one.

 

My son finds it hard to take part in clubs and prefers the more unstructured play of doing what he likes, if he's at the beach where he's really relaxed he will talk and play with lots of children many of which he doesn't even know, but take him to a r swimming club for example and he wont hardly talk to anyone and I wonder if your son may find it easier to chat to people in more unstructured activities and was wondering if special needs youth club may be a good idea or even a smaller youth club, maybe he could go there as a helper. Scouts and cadets is another good option. My older brother a very very shy boy found sea cadets brill and made lots of friends.

 

One thing I have noticed with my son when his anxiety levels are low he finds it easier to make friends and finds it easier to communicate with the other children.

 

Good luck

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As always, thankyou to everyone for your views and your input - it has been excellent to hear so many different angles on this one. As usual for me, a good nights sleep has helped and I have spent last night and this morning trying to seperate out my emotions and ds's emotions. DS can have very low mood swings which sends me panicking into headless chicken mode trying to find a solution - a natural enough response I suppose, when someone you love is hurting, you want to make it better.

 

Ultimately though,making friends is ds's responsibility - he's going to have to dig deep and work out this one for himself.

 

We went for a long walk this morning and it was interesting to hear his views. He fully accepts that I cannot find him friends that this is one area he has to work out for himself. I then asked him why he "dumped" on me emotionally as it made me feel as I had to "fix" it - his response was that I am the only person he feels able to talk to when he is really down :wacko: So I now need to look at my response - rather than take it on board myself, I need to start deflecting it back to ds and say "okay, that's what you feel, what are YOU going to do about it".

 

We chatted about no longer going to school and whether that was the right move - he feels it is, he is nervous and unsure about what his future holds but is so relieved at not having to deal with anxiety and sensory overload each day. We also chatted about Aspergers and I was interested to see him relaxed and chatting about it openly - that is a first for him and a really big step forward. I was also pleased there was no hint of the "poor me" and "victim mentality" that we had going on yesterday :thumbs:

 

So all-in-all a good morning :thumbs: I'm now off to drag him off his computer, he can come and help me sand some doors down ready for painting - well as we're both not working, we've got to earn our keep - I know he's got AS with MH problems but there's going to be no spending all day on the 'puter in this house :whistle: If I keep this up hard enough, the poor lad will be glad to go to college or work :lol: :lol: :lol:

Edited by szxmum

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The fear MUST be stronger than the desire and it's not something you can do for him. He needs to develop some interests around which the social life will come. A new sport perhaps? You can train to be a level 1 coach at just about any sport quite easily without having to be good at it but it's a good skill to have to open doors. I have a friend whose son is doing Coachability.

 

Sport was a no-no really (Overrated with autistics!), any sport that requires 'team' effort he doesn't want to know, cricket, football etc not on........... We went day one for solitary sports like swimming, trampolining, even running, after all attempts failed. The problem has been he wants coaching one on one, if there are others he won't take part at all, he wouldn't compete even if he was good enough because he would take flight at the sight of a dozen others..... He did well on his own training for school sports, at sports day would stand still and do nothing, too many people.

 

So if it is about 'inclusion' forget it really. As the years go on, I am slowly coming around to the realization inclusion is a waste of time for him, I haven't given up, I am just concerned he is happy now, if that is on his own OK, the problem is he DOES need support a LOT it is encouraging alternatives to Mum and Dad is the issue at present.... I have nightmares thinking what will happen when he is 18... and Mum and Dad are still all he has...or wants.

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Hi szxmum, just wanted to say that I can totally relate to where you and your lad are at the moment. My lad is nearly 16 and is desperate for a friend. He goes to various holiday activities and a club once a week after school. He goes to the activity, takes part in the activity and then comes home and has usually spent the time not talking to any of the other young people at all, he doesn't even get as far as finding out their names. It's as if he's waiting for them to approach him and when they don't he remains alone.

 

I had a fascinating conversation with him recently, a couple actually. When I asked him why he didn't speak to any of the other kids at holiday activities he said he didn't see the point as he wouldn't see any of them again so why bother making a friend if he never saw him again! :wacko: At a group recently a girl was introducing herself and said she was interested in fish (his passion). I suggested that next time he saw her, he could go up and ask her her name, I ran through a kind of role play conversation that he could possibly try out on her, what did he have to lose. He turned round and asked me what was the point of asking her all those 'irrelevant questions'!! :o The questions in question were things like, 'what's your name?', 'whereabouts do you live?', 'how old are you?', 'do you have fish at home?', etc. He was calling them irrelevant!! I talked myself blue in the face trying to explain to him that this is how you get to know other people and that he needed to be practicing his conversation skills and trying to get to know the other kids, even if he didn't see them again, or maybe he might, he could find out they lived in the same town as us for all he knows, and it could develop into something further, etc.

 

I don't know, it just seemed like he wanted it all delivered to him on a plate without him having to put in any groundwork or effort. I don't know if it's a kind of stubbornness in some ways, he certainly lacks confidence and has fairly low self esteem, but he simply refuses to even say hello to someone so what can you do with that! :wallbash:

 

Anyway, sorry to rant on, just wanted you to know that I understand what it's like. >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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Sport was a no-no really (Overrated with autistics!), any sport that requires 'team' effort he doesn't want to know, cricket, football etc not on...........

 

 

Oh - how I can relate to this. The clubs that I tried taking ds to when he was younger (long before diagnosis) - football, rugby, swimming, karate, ballroom dancing :whistle:, drama - each and every one, a dismal failure but I persevered, like a good mother - poor old ds, I really feel for the lad looking back.

 

I think the NAS needs a campaign to target secondary school games teachers. Seriously, they are ideally placed to pick up young people who are slipping through the net. Here are a couple of quotes from my ds year 7 and year 8 PE reports:

 

"Ds does not find any aspect of this subject easy but he always brings his kit and tries his best. ....within games he can reproduce some skills if given time and space. ....he has shown a competitive streak in running that I did not know he had."

 

"....Games still represents a challenge where situations change too quickly for him to react at times."

 

It's there, screaming out to the educated eye but no-one picked up on it.

 

I'm not a great one for stereotypes but OMG ds is stereotypically AS and was back in year 7 - computer whizz-kid, glasses, poor social skills and hopeless at team sports.

 

Ah well, as they say, onwards and upwards,

Edited by szxmum

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He turned round and asked me what was the point of asking her all those 'irrelevant questions'!! :o The questions in question were things like, 'what's your name?', 'whereabouts do you live?', 'how old are you?', 'do you have fish at home?', etc. He was calling them irrelevant!! ...

 

I don't know, it just seemed like he wanted it all delivered to him on a plate without him having to put in any groundwork or effort. I don't know if it's a kind of stubbornness in some ways, he certainly lacks confidence and has fairly low self esteem, but he simply refuses to even say hello to someone so what can you do with that! :wallbash:

 

~ Mel ~

that sounds a lot like it has a lot of base in immaturity. him lashing out and saying everything is irrelevant is a comfort blanket so that he doesn't have to feel bad about not doing the things you suggest. from my point of view, i know why i should ask all those silly questions, thats how you make friends, and allthough i dont like it, if i want to have a friend, then i gots to ask the questions. the trick is in remembering the information they give, even if its not remotely interesting to you!

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that sounds a lot like it has a lot of base in immaturity. him lashing out and saying everything is irrelevant is a comfort blanket so that he doesn't have to feel bad about not doing the things you suggest.

 

 

Good observation Nobby. I can relate to that - it is the same immaturity that ds is displaying when he blames his own difficulties on his acne, school, where he lives, etc etc

 

As you said in one of your other posts, AS people CAN learn social skills - it just takes longer and doesn't come instinctively. In the same vein, people can learn to take responsibility for their own lives and actions, it's just that some people never mature enough to take that step, preferring instead the comfort of blaming their parents, school, the world in general for their problems. I am sure that given time my own ds will eventually mature and take responsibility.

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i think many people with AS crave that longing of having the missing part if socialising and making friends easy and keeping them but find it so hard and difficult! you beg to be wanted liked and needed in society and accepted with difficulties we face! my mum struggles to keep her pain and anger within i can see it from mile off when friends mess me around let me down as hurts and upsets me much much more has deeper affect than my mates would feel knocks everything ive worked at and for! i have low self-esteem and having situation like that knock it down to such a level takes ages to get it back to where it was so does building up the courage and battling thoughts and feelings of social anxiety! i still make an effort however hard it is! got 2 close mates but they away at university leading their own paths so feel bad when need them! or when i feel like can't be reached with getting over social anxiety/isolation awful section of having this condition there! just want to run away and pretend it's not going on! hide in shame guilt! depression etc

 

baby steps gentle approach with someone with ASD not to rush take at own speed so they cope and manage with progression and improvement but not made so fast they can't adjust keep up like others and made feel useless failure and pathetic compared to others! i would get in contact with NAS ask for their practical advice on helping and supporting socialisng gradual process to work up when feels right and ready for your son! as oviously frustrated at the whole situation it left him in! explain his difficulties and how struggles with that! is there local AS social support group he and you can go to to meet others like him and you parent/s share idea tips thoughts etc so understand the situation better not that you don't already sounds like you have good insight! then parents always do especially with an ASD child /teen you know us better than us ourselves know how we affected by this!

 

i think time and patience the main key for working on such areas to help and support thought extra input maybe needed for outside people! like NAS! they have wide range of services that used to meeting ASD needs of different kinds assessment would need to made you can refer him yourself they can provide guide for social skills develop further than stage he at now!

 

i'm in process of NAS in different areas of services improve and work support guide different directions skills and areas needs of my life i need right now like social skills and social confidence etc to show there is hope in future somewhere i been clubbin mainstream people and clubs yes was stressful hard going tough anxious but managed rather well coped even thoug have ASD no-one would have known unless told them acted like everyone else out there and i have social anxiety disorder and made enormous fly at this on my own all rollercoaster thoughts and emotions can be done did work by myself when with friends i trust and know my personal probs /situations! it helps if feels comfortable safe and secure sometime!

 

good luck with this situation

hope this helps you! if not sorry!

take care

XKLX

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that sounds a lot like it has a lot of base in immaturity

 

My boy is a lot like that, he might say "I'm not interested in that ..." then will cut communication, end of ! He determines what is relevent to him... You just have to hope and encourage his interest... IF he takes interest, then how to shut him up after is a problem too :) since he will go on and on about it for months after..... to the exlcusion of anything else... :wallbash:

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My boy is a lot like that, he might say "I'm not interested in that ..." then will cut communication, end of ! He determines what is relevent to him... You just have to hope and encourage his interest... IF he takes interest, then how to shut him up after is a problem too :) since he will go on and on about it for months after..... to the exlcusion of anything else... :wallbash:

if i've correctly understood what youre saying, then i agree with you. a total lack of interest in something can be a very autistic thing. i certainly dont pay attention when my sister is telling me about what one of her friends is doing because i'm not interested. however (i feel) that late diagnosis young adults have developed so many coping strategies that they know that a statement of 'i'm not interested in that/ thats irrelevant' and refusal to discuss things isn't an acceptable way to change conversation, so i interpreted it in the more NT teenager way of 'i'm not going to admit i know that and didn't follow it through'. its certainly one i use at times with my mother ( i have to admit that while she is certainly no slouch in the brains department i tend to use my intellelect to turn a discussion my way :unsure: )

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if i've correctly understood what youre saying, then i agree with you. a total lack of interest in something can be a very autistic thing. i certainly dont pay attention when my sister is telling me about what one of her friends is doing because i'm not interested. however (i feel) that late diagnosis young adults have developed so many coping strategies that they know that a statement of 'i'm not interested in that/ thats irrelevant' and refusal to discuss things isn't an acceptable way to change conversation, so i interpreted it in the more NT teenager way of 'i'm not going to admit i know that and didn't follow it through'. its certainly one i use at times with my mother ( i have to admit that while she is certainly no slouch in the brains department i tend to use my intellelect to turn a discussion my way :unsure: )

 

It can be so 'final' he'd just say "No thanks.." that would be it, nothing would change his mind. A total change in support options is needed, I think many in the system respond to parental concerns in that autistics need to be e always encouraged to be the very thing they aren't, which is 'social' ! As parents we want our kids like others, often we cannot accept they never will be. If we don't try to 'integrate' our children,that's neglect, that's our fault, if we do try (And most do), then we may be forcing things on our children they will not manage. Some autistics will respond to that approach, but a lot won't, yet we may still persist in 'team'' games involved in 'social access' areas, and then see our kids reacting by shutting down even more. We are all driven by guilt to a certain extent aren't we ? Relatives would point out why don't you take him here ? or there ? where lots of other children are etc, he will find his or her level, erm... no they won't ! He or she will feel I don't want this at all... There is no easy answer. Dare we suggest we take no part in inclusion policies, because it is not what our children need ? Their needs, not ours... then get social services leaning on you ? we can't win can we ? How long do we pursue inclusion options when it is obvious they aren't what our kids need ? If we read topics here they are near all "Why isn't he the same as others ? Why doesn't she react like them ?" isn't it ? That's autism !

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Relatives would point out why don't you take him here ? or there ? where lots of other children are etc, he will find his or her level, erm... no they won't !

 

I was having a discussion with the teacher in the unit about Jay's friendlessness recenty and a TA decided to put her oar in. "Maybe you should take him places then", she stated and went on to explain how "when my daughter was 15, she was out every night meeting different people, why don't you take him out?" I was so speechless I actually walked right out. Oh silly me, he is friendless because I haven't bothered to try taking him out anywhere throughout his fifteen and half years of life. If only I was to "take him out places" then everything would be fine, why didn't I think of that. :wallbash:

 

~ Mel ~

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I was having a discussion with the teacher in the unit about Jay's friendlessness recenty and a TA decided to put her oar in. "Maybe you should take him places then", she stated and went on to explain how "when my daughter was 15, she was out every night meeting different people, why don't you take him out?" I was so speechless I actually walked right out. Oh silly me, he is friendless because I haven't bothered to try taking him out anywhere throughout his fifteen and half years of life. If only I was to "take him out places" then everything would be fine, why didn't I think of that. :wallbash:

 

~ Mel ~

 

 

They are going to 'cure' our kids by us taking them to crowded areas with other children none at all like them, and lets face ,it teens are less accepting these days, and there you are, an autistic child now 'back to normal' ! the ignorance is astounding and you can get it FROM a special school too, they seem convinced we all have to try harder to get our kids to socialize. Perhaps they need to look up the definition of autism, in that it IS a social and communicational issue. Like throwing your child into deep water and hoping they will learn to swim... QUICK ! they well may well drown too. even under supervised 'inclusion' it often doesn't work. Many are so dedicated to 'fitting them in' they cannot accept it is never going to happen, what if the social engineering policies really do not work ? Must be the parents fault....... The more places I took my son to play and 'integrate' in the more withdrawn he became... and as I posted recently, now he simply won't go. Now what ?

Edited by MelowMeldrew

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I was having a discussion with the teacher in the unit about Jay's friendlessness recenty and a TA decided to put her oar in. "Maybe you should take him places then", she stated and went on to explain how "when my daughter was 15, she was out every night meeting different people, why don't you take him out?" I was so speechless I actually walked right out. Oh silly me, he is friendless because I haven't bothered to try taking him out anywhere throughout his fifteen and half years of life. If only I was to "take him out places" then everything would be fine, why didn't I think of that. :wallbash:

 

~ Mel ~

 

 

>:D<<'> >:D< >:D<<'> If only it were that easy.

 

 

Lord if it were that easy we wouldn't be on here day after day seeking help and solutions :wallbash:

 

It's Friday night - I hope your having a large glass of your favourite :wine:

 

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The more places I took my son to play and 'integrate' in the more withdrawn he became... and as I posted recently, now he simply won't go. Now what ?

 

 

>:D<<'> >:D< >:D<<'> to you too.

 

 

Yep - I could have written this myself and as Kathryn said earlier up the thread - you can't force them.

 

Eeeh somedays you just go round and round in circles :wallbash:

 

 

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>:D<<'> >:D< >:D<<'> to you too.

 

 

Yep - I could have written this myself and as Kathryn said earlier up the thread - you can't force them.

 

Eeeh somedays you just go round and round in circles :wallbash:

 

And they STILL say we aint trying hard enough :wallbash: It's ignorance of autism that's what it is. Sometimes us parents don't help I fear, we try too hard to get them 'normal', at early years I was as guilt-ridden as most and tried immersing him in anything and everything, you take 'professional' advice but still see it going nowhere.....breaking news is, what they are, IS their norm. It's when to accept inclusion for some of our children, is a total waste of time and is actually damaging the child. I'm still however stuck for ideas as to fill his time ! Mine has no hobbies, no friends, no interest in much at all really, he has his own world. He in turn cannot understand why We are sad about it... Celebrating it however still seems a bit premature to me...

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I was having a discussion with the teacher in the unit about Jay's friendlessness recenty and a TA decided to put her oar in. "Maybe you should take him places then", she stated and went on to explain how "when my daughter was 15, she was out every night meeting different people, why don't you take him out?" I was so speechless I actually walked right out. Oh silly me, he is friendless because I haven't bothered to try taking him out anywhere throughout his fifteen and half years of life. If only I was to "take him out places" then everything would be fine, why didn't I think of that. :wallbash:

 

~ Mel ~

 

 

I've been thinking about this today. My DD (14, NT) went off today to do her Duke of Edinburgh Bronze camping trip. This was organised by herself with friends through school. She told us she was would like to do it, we agreed, took her there this morning and will collect her tomorrow afternoon.

 

She goes to youth club every week - she instigated it, we take her there and pick her up. Same with her weekly guitar lesson and her Saturday job.

 

The impetus comes from her with her friends - our role as parents is to say yes you can or no you can't, provide the money and the taxi service :lol: A perfectly "normal" teenager. I was trying to remember the last time I instigated a club or social activity for her and it must be 3 or 4 years ago.

 

So yes, she is out, not quite 5 nights a week, but a lot - the important thing is (and I am sure it will be the same for that TAs daughter, if she had only stopped to think about it) is that it is organised BY HER.

 

My ds on the other hand has never requested to go to a club or initiated any form of social activity. It was always organised by me or his Dad and the outcome was always a painful social experience with no friends. At 17, it is no surprise that although he wants friends he chooses to avoid those "painful" experiences.

Edited by szxmum

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I've been thinking about this today. My DD (14, NT) went off today to do her Duke of Edinburgh Bronze camping trip. This was organised by herself with friends through school. She told us she was would like to do it, we agreed, took her there this morning and will collect her tomorrow afternoon.

 

She goes to youth club every week - she instigated it, we take her there and pick her up. Same with her weekly guitar lesson and her Saturday job.

 

The impetus comes from her with her friends - our role as parents is to say yes you can or no you can't, provide the money and the taxi service :lol: A perfectly "normal" teenager. I was trying to remember the last time I instigated a club or social activity for her and it must be 3 or 4 years ago.

 

So yes, she is out, not quite 5 nights a week, but a lot - the important thing is (and I am sure it will be the same for that TAs daughter, if she had only stopped to think about it) is that it is organised BY HER.

 

My ds on the other hand has never requested to go to a club or initiated any form of social activity. It was always organised by me or his Dad and the outcome was always a painful social experience with no friends. At 17, it is no surprise that although he wants friends he chooses to avoid those "painful" experiences.

 

MY son has NEVER stayed out overnight at any time. He doesn't even walk down the shop for a sweet or something on his own. AS fas as award schemes there was a distinct LACK of support for autistics to go with that for a few days away, they wanted so much exemption, it was not worth applying. When I cornered them and asked why they said "Autistics needing one on one we cannot cope with.. it slows the rest down..." I suppose trying to explain he hated being forced into sharing and social situations was the thing that did it for him, they were of the view he would never benefit from it. So we never got a chance to see if he would anyway.

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I've been thinking about this today. My DD (14, NT) went off today to do her Duke of Edinburgh Bronze camping trip. This was organised by herself with friends through school. She told us she was would like to do it, we agreed, took her there this morning and will collect her tomorrow afternoon.

 

She goes to youth club every week - she instigated it, we take her there and pick her up. Same with her weekly guitar lesson and her Saturday job.

 

The impetus comes from her with her friends - our role as parents is to say yes you can or no you can't, provide the money and the taxi service :lol: A perfectly "normal" teenager. I was trying to remember the last time I instigated a club or social activity for her and it must be 3 or 4 years ago.

 

So yes, she is out, not quite 5 nights a week, but a lot - the important thing is (and I am sure it will be the same for that TAs daughter, if she had only stopped to think about it) is that it is organised BY HER.

 

My ds on the other hand has never requested to go to a club or initiated any form of social activity. It was always organised by me or his Dad and the outcome was always a painful social experience with no friends. At 17, it is no surprise that although he wants friends he chooses to avoid those "painful" experiences.

 

Yes, you're exactly right, szxmum, it sounds like your DD and the TA's are leading totally 'normal' teenage lives. They have friends at school, who they hang out with all day and arrange to meet at weekends and after school, etc. It's just not like that with our AS kids, as you know. I thought the TA's comments demonstrated perfectly that she just didn't have a clue what it is like for our kids and I really lost all faith in her, tbh.

 

My lad is alone ALL day, he hasn't a single friend. I DO take him places (much to the amazement of the TA, I'm sure). He will go along, do the activity and come home without having made contact with anyone at all. It's easy when they're 5/6 to arrange things for them, but when they get to 15/16 what can you do, I can take him to all the clubs I like but the rest is up to him and you're right, I have to do all the research into what is on, make all the arrangements, book them and then take him along, none of it comes from him. So for the TA to turn around and accuse me of not doing enough to help him (which is basically what she did) infuriated me and still does. The trouble with these people is that they just see our kids now, at this point in time, they don't see all the hard work that we've put in over 15 years, all the progress they've made because of US, how much they've improved and how far they've come because of our dedication and hard slog, they just see a problem and blithely sate, oh, why don't you do this. :wallbash:

 

The Head of the Unit was trying to make him learn to ride a bike recently and was telling me how, 'it's such a good social activity to do with family and friends'. Well, yes, that's fine, but he hasn't GOT any friends has he? If he wants to do something useful to help him he could try helping him with that couldn't he!! :angry:

 

~ Mel ~

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They are going to 'cure' our kids by us taking them to crowded areas with other children none at all like them, and lets face ,it teens are less accepting these days, and there you are, an autistic child now 'back to normal' ! the ignorance is astounding and you can get it FROM a special school too, they seem convinced we all have to try harder to get our kids to socialize. Perhaps they need to look up the definition of autism, in that it IS a social and communicational issue. Like throwing your child into deep water and hoping they will learn to swim... QUICK ! they well may well drown too. even under supervised 'inclusion' it often doesn't work. Many are so dedicated to 'fitting them in' they cannot accept it is never going to happen, what if the social engineering policies really do not work ? Must be the parents fault....... The more places I took my son to play and 'integrate' in the more withdrawn he became... and as I posted recently, now he simply won't go. Now what ?

 

My LA recommended a residential school because their officials didn't think I socialised enough. This is despite having a few friends and being involved in some societies.

 

The strategy did not work.

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My LA recommended a residential school because their officials didn't think I socialised enough. This is despite having a few friends and being involved in some societies.

 

The strategy did not work.

 

We're looking into residential college because we feel it's almost getting to the point where it's too late for Jay. If he were to go to mainstream college he'd be just as isolated as he is now, he'd go into lessons, sit alone, do the work and come home and spend the rest of his time with us or alone. Residential, we feel, could at least offer some of the social skills training and help that has been so sadly lacking at the so-called 'specialist' AS unit where he's been for the past four years, where he hasn't received a single piece of social skills training or help. We could be wrong, but it feels like at least at residential college he'd have the opportunity to be around kids 24/7 and might finally get some help, but we could be wrong, it could just be too late. :tearful:

 

~ Mel ~

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Us too ! But I am still unsure if this is the way to do things. They talked last year to us about him staying in the school 5 days a week and home just at weekends, a consultant stepped in and said no, he would not be able to cope with that. I am asked again this year..... My partner wants to give it a go, I am against ! SO I threw it to the pros who have so far backed dad's view, he won't cope with it. I am mindful his Mum finds him harder to cope with than I do..... I have dedicated my life to caring for him, but would accept a consensus from the professionals, but they can't agree, and the inclusions of 'cost-effectiveness' leaves me cold. It is my son not a statistic on a street cleaner.

 

How does sending your child away help them socialise more ? Is it because they assume we are the problem or what ? Because your local authority provides damn all that is all they can do ? Surely that is an admission the LA's are doing it all wrong ? So shift the issue somewhere else ? In many respects I have used anything and everything there is and it hasn't worked. So we agree to send him somewhere where he knows no-one ? Not even a gradual easing into things ? My son has totally depended on us since he was born, I would worry sending him to residential options would be seen as me giving up on him. What if THAT doesn't work ? We know local authorities will never admit what they do doesn't work well.. and subject our kids to lengthy and pointless 'support' as it is... They are all bound by inclusion policies so will never admit it doesn't work, they have to do that first where it is pretty obvious that is fact, but they won't. So where are we still ?

 

Once in the clutches of the social services, we lose any authority to keep him safe... their record on caring for adolescent disabled is appalling as it is, and the step from child to adult support in the care area is non effective and indeed, non extant here, they have only recently decided to talk about a system.......they are left to fend for themselves,or left unsupported by anyone. My son has never HAD a social worker that lasted longer than 5 weeks in his life, he is 14 now ! A relentless conveyor-belt of social workers who do not understand the issue, do not stay long enough to learn, and mostly can't be bothered. It's a complete lottery if Social services has a point in Autistic terms. It's a postcode lottery already.

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Ds is desperately lonely - I don't know where this myth came about people with AS being happy on their own and not wanting any friends - ds so wants a friend.

 

He seems however to be grasping at totally unrealistic solutions. Last year it was "If I did not have acne I would have a group of friends and a social life". Well we treated the acne with Roaccutaine (fantastic results; brilliant - the acne has gone) unfortunately it was not the miracle solution ds hoped for, still no friends, no social life. Today it was "This town is holding me back. If I lived somewhere else I would have lots of friends and a social life". He couldn't cope with moving out of home yet, he got lost in a village 3 miles away and we had to drive around looking for him :wallbash::wallbash:

 

All he wants is to be a "normal" seventeen year old - to go to the pictures, go for a coffee, hang out and maybe have a girlfriend. He's nowhere near the pubs and clubs stage.

 

My heart bleeds for him and I just want to take away his pain :crying:

 

I can take him out of school, sort DLA out for him but I can't fix this. I've suggested no end of quiet clubs - scouts, stamps, chess, church groups but he will NOT go. I've suggested emailing two old school friends (girl twins) to see if they want to go to the pictures but no. He has one ASD friend but tbh neither has the skills to make it work - they see each other once a month-ish and ds is always disappointed. He is waayyyyy past the age where Mums arrange friends around for tea - that all fizzled out in year 7.

 

I really feel for him - he wants a friend yet he is scared of going anywhere new to try to meet new people. The fear is as strong, if not stronger than the loneliness and I don't know what to do :crying:

 

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hello, my name is jan im a mum with an 18yrol :rolleyes: . son with aspergers, just wanted to let u know youre not alone ,i promise . I know how :crying:youre feeling, as i often cry myself, i havw watched friends come and go most of my sons life, they do not seem to last very long, i couldnt honestly say he has :crying: no really close friends, well maybe one, if u can call maybe seeing each other every blue moon. He chooses to sit at home most of the time , or driving me up the wall .Ihave been told by my gp,however upseting i find it all, that i have to except that where it wouldnt suit me to lock myself away constantly,it suits my son, i am trying to look at it that way, but i find it very difficult to except.All i want is for him to be happy and live a normal teenagers life , i actually think it upsets me more than my son, i find it very suffocating at times as he would spend every minute of the day with me if he could, although i love him so much, i wish it would all go away. He does however play guitar and he plays it beautifully, he taught himself and thats the one thing that he does have a strong interest in, hope things get better for you :rolleyes:

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