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joybed

anyone else have holidays seperately from their ASD teenager

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You might remember me saying about our disastrous holiday last year in Cornwall. The one where it rained constantly, we were all cooped up in a 5 berth caravan with 3 kids, 2 with ASD and 4 year old twins. DS1 made the holiday hell for everyone screamed and tantrumed constantly, told strangers we were abusing him, told us he hated us, became aggressive with his siblings etc etc. After 5 days everyone had had enough and DH drove M back to Doncaster to be with his grandparents where they rewarded him with another holiday with all his favourite things to do (great). Anyway as a result DH says he can,t come on holiday with us and DS1 doesn,t want to. Part of me thinks this is the best solution as it just makes eveyone miserable and we deserve a holiday as we work pretty hard, but the other part of me feels really guilty as he should be with us. When Marcus is with us he tries to manipulate everyone into doing things his way and when we wont he becomes very difficult to live with. We don,t allow manipulation as he has to live in the big wide world and it is not fair to his siblings if we do everything he wants to all the time. Unfortunately at his grandparents they plan holidays around the grandkids and as long as they are happy that is all that matters, he basically chooses what he does and how they do it. This situation has been made worse because we have booked our holidays 1st 2 weeks in August and Marcus is going jsut as we come back this means 3 weeks with his grandparents.

I want a peacefull holiday and DH and Piers and Lydia deserve one too so this is the best solution, but why do I feel so bad about it. Anyone else do this. I can,t ever see us having a family holiday again and this saddens me.

Edited by joybed

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we did our first holiday away from steve 2 years ago and although i felt guilty,really guilty actually i also felt katie deserved a holiday too,our holidays in the past have been horrendous,steve nearly got arrested in spain for kicking doors,security called at butlins!!!you name it,we have tried every type of holiday going,ive come to realise that steve much prefers days out just me and him than holidays,you deserve a break too so dont feel guilty,hard i know,im the queen of guilt >:D<<'>

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my guilt feeling is that my sister is getting married in septmeber and does not want children,so 14 year old will stay with big grown up bro,and p we are finding respite care for the 2 nights we aren't here and i hate the word respite care i don't need respite from him just somewhere he can stay for sleep overs, we are in the process of arranging the time and i am trying not to feel guilty,because our consultant said he needs to be able to function with out us and sleep overs are a good thing for him. Holidays we haven't got to the point you are at,but i suppose maybe you should not feel bad for thinking of the siblings needs because they will need the holiday as much as you and they have to know that their needs are as important to you as your teenagers are. and of course you have to think of your needs to.lucky you for having wonderful grandparents to take up the slack,seeking respite care is because i have no one locally that i can trust to look after p,his big bro says he can't cope with him and he works during the day anyway, 14 year old is sensible enough to be trusted until big bro returns home from work. p is not.

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For about 4 years my daughter didn't come on holiday wiith us. She couldn't have coped with all the change so she stayed with my inlaws while the rest of us went away. I felt a bit bad, but we desperately needed a holiday and I didn't want to deprive my son. She was very happy and secure with the inlaws so she did have her own kind of holiday.

 

I think it's very important to consider your other children's needs and to do things separately if you are in the position to be able to.

 

I also thought we'd never have a family holiday again but last year we did manage to go away together - twice. :) Maybe you'll find one day Marcus is able and willing to join you again - so don't despair.

 

 

K x

 

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Instead of feeling guilty about the fact that you feel you should all be together, what would actually make your son and the rest of the family members feel better. It sounds like your son finds the whole 'holiday' thing very stressful and tries to control things by trying to force everything to be done his way. All those arguments and meltdowns do not make for happy holiday photos! And there will come a point when any child is older that they will want to holiday on their own or with friends - so it is never going to be all of you forever.

If he is happy with the grandparents, and they are happy with him, then that sounds ideal. And although we do need to try to teach our children appropriate behaviour etc, trying to do that on holiday means you'll need a holiday from the holiday!

We have been fortunate that although my son can be very very rigid, that when all the family is at the point of saying 'we're all going back home' he capitulates. Given a choice he would rather be on holiday. But the 'unpredictable' nature of every day on holiday really does cause alot of anxiety which he does demonstrate by trying to make everyone do what he says. And something i've also found strange is that he appears not to recognise 'familiar' things out of their normal environment eg. food. He knows what fish fingers are, but a couple of years ago he had a meltdown because he said he didn't know what they were. Maybe for him a 'change in environment' would mean a 'change in the food regardless of what it is called' - but then he does have quite severe language and communication problems. We have had meltdowns in eating places before because the name of a food has been slightly different ie. chicken nuggets called chicken chunks became a major issue with me stood at the till trying to pay whilst my son was lying on the floor kicking and screaming and i'm all hot and bothered and trying to look like I am in control!

A couple of years back we went on a camping holiday. On the first two days my son and husband were at loggerheads with my husband storming off one evening saying he was going home. But we persevered and did have a good time, with my husband saying it was one of his best holidays - talk about rose tinted specticles. :rolleyes:

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We do two holidays; getting away from it all without DS, and 'army manoeuvres' which involves a million times more effort than staying at home. This summer we're doing it differently and DH is taking the kids to stay with his sister and I stay at home with DS. I'm looking forward to it but if I hadn't had a week lying on a beach doing nothing I think I'd be feeling a bit of a Cinderella.

 

Just thinking about this even further, it is how we live anyway - doing things altogether can be a nightmare, so we do split off into workable groups. Having four children helps because it's a given that you just can't please all the people all the time (stock phrase - 'it'll be your turn soon') and there's no guilt in it being because of disability

Edited by call me jaded

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We do two holidays; getting away from it all without DS, and 'army manoeuvres' which involves a million times more effort than staying at home. This summer we're doing it differently and DH is taking the kids to stay with his sister and I stay at home with DS. I'm looking forward to it but if I hadn't had a week lying on a beach doing nothing I think I'd be feeling a bit of a Cinderella.

 

Just thinking about this even further, it is how we live anyway - doing things altogether can be a nightmare, so we do split off into workable groups. Having four children helps because it's a given that you just can't please all the people all the time (stock phrase - 'it'll be your turn soon') and there's no guilt in it being because of disability

 

NEVER had a holiday alone without our son, the two we had WITH him in 14 years, were fraught with problems. The first with a half sister collapsed in 28 hours they asked us to bring him back home. The other one was for a week (Also in Cornwall and a caravan, we know hotels are out !), he refused to go to the night things where we could mix with other families and have a drink or something, would not join in any games with other children, so anything resembling a holiday camp is a no-no..... it was solitary walks mostly or swimming, or to the shops, we could have stayed at home and done the same thing. So that's what we do ! Maybe a day trip here and there, but again planning is all, as he won't eat out or anything... He loves to travel, he hates to do anything when he arrives anywhere ! He'll sit on a train and go around the world, but he would take no interest in outside that. Last time we took him to the seaside we discovered he now has an aversion to sand, Because when the tide laps in, he feels the sand underneath his feet moving, and it scares him. He now doesn't like to walk on the beach. His world just got a whole lot smaller... We had planned a summer school holiday by the sea, that's out now. How do you fill such a child's school holiday of near 7 WEEKS like that ?!

Edited by MelowMeldrew

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This is an area that I am also having to get my own head around.

 

I have always used my holiday as my coping mechanism - I can cope with anything as long as I get my week away lying in the sun - with two full-time wages coming in, we have always been lucky enough to manage a yearly holiday. This year because I have given up work - it ain't going to happen and boy am I feeling it.

 

Getting on holiday has always been very difficult - extreme anxiety, panic attacks and OCD when leaving home and travelling. Once on holiday, ds turns the hotel room into his safe place, always wanting to return there asap. This has never bothered me as I will happily spend hours on the balcony, on my sun lounger sipping my cocktail :whistle: Ds has always enjoyed holidays, once there but they have always been very tame, based around the hotel.

 

However, last year was a different story. We had saved enough to go on a holiday of a lifetime to Florida - remember at this time we still had no idea that ds had AS. Well he had the mother of all panic attacks in Manchester Airport - he was trying to run out the airport, dh was physically hanging onto him, dd was in tears, distraught because dh had said we had to cancel the holiday and she wanted to go to Disney. I remember thinking "this can't be happening, this can't be happening". Well thanks to a very lovely flight attendant we got onto the plane (last). Ds shutdown for the 9 hour flight and I spent the whole flight physically shaking and thinking, well we're going - how the h*ll are we going to get back. I had visions of us coming back on a cargo ship. We ended up going to a doctor in Florida who prescribed benzodiazapine (sp?) and on the day coming home I "drugged" ds. The minute his eyes cleared it was "take another one of these love".

 

Still that's us now - he will not consider stepping on a plane - he won't even talk about flying. Because we don't have the money, a holiday isn't an issue at the moment but hopefully we will manage one next year. I feel very guilty even thinking about a holiday without ds but the benefit to dh, dd and myself is immense. I will be very sad to be on holiday without ds(17) and am scared that I am even contemplating leaving him at home on his own (with family looking in on him from time-to-time).

 

Only time will tell if we ever do go on holiday without him but I do feel at the moment, he cannot control everyone just to make himself feel safe. Is that horrible? :unsure:

Edited by szxmum

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This week is becoming a holiday. DS off sick, I'm just going to have to lie in the sun today at least. :whistle:

 

Does any 17y/o want to go on holiday with their parents? I didn't.

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Does any 17y/o want to go on holiday with their parents? I didn't

 

JP still wants to! (Must be our scintillating personalities) :whistle: We've just returned from a week in a cottage in Dorset with him which we all adored.

 

Holidays en famille have changed over the years. We've always done a cottage holiday, with S too before she left home, & also with one of her friends for 5 years when they were teens. Her friend was pretty quirky & got on well with JP so it worked a treat.

 

We all loved Center Parcs too & still go there with JP sometimes. He likes the "sameness", we even stay in the same lodge each time.

 

Hotels etc. were always a no-go area, partly because of the cost & partly because we didn't want JP to have to be on "best" behaviour the whole time - it was his holiday too.

 

We often did stuff separately, as others have mentioned. I had regular city breaks with S from the time she was 10 till she left home, to give her & me some uninterrupted time together. I would have loved it if mr p & I could have got away alone (sorry, no guilt!) but we never had anyone who would offer to have JP.

 

Now he's getting older things are opening up a bit. Mr p & I got a break in Rome in May, leaving JP home alone. Again, no guilt, as he loves being home on his own. I think our cottage hols with him will continue for the foreseable future, as who else does he have to go on holiday with? But we have a cunning plan in August, bwuhahaha .... its the big family holiday, all mr p's family, and this year we are going for the w/e, leaving JP there with his relatives, and going off on our own somewhere :thumbs: A way into more independent holidaying for him, & once we've set a precedent ... :whistle:

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I think our children often surprise us. Either by totally over reacting to something or by coping remarkably well.

This summer we are off to Greece for 3 weeks. He will be fine with the swimming and snorkeling. That was bizzare in itself. He did not like the water at all until I put a mask, snorkel and flippers on him and then he was off. I think it was the salt water getting in his mouth and up his nose that was bothering him. Our only major difficulty we have is that he tends to organise himself around TV programmes and HAS to watch at least one DVD a day - that is his obsession. But he knows he won't be able to do that, and he knows he will just have to deal with it. But we will go the open air cinema held on the roof of a building, which he enjoys for the novelty factor.

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We were discussing this the other day.. we are going back to Blackpool this year only as it has the Doctor Who exhibition so we can bargain with our ASD teenager. His sisters want to go to Spain next year but there will be nothing of interest there for him.. not quite sure what to do as he really isn't a beach and sea person :unsure:

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Does any 17y/o want to go on holiday with their parents? I didn't.

 

 

But ds isn't 17 :unsure: He's 17 physically; he's 17 intellectually but I don't know what age he is socially and emotionally - we can't see much progress from when he left primary school :wacko: maybe 11 or 12

 

Is there any way to place an age on emotional and social development by the way?

 

So ds still likes to go on holiday with us - just as long as we never go on a plane again and that's the point where friction is being caused in the family (that and the fact, there's no money this year - sigh )

 

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This week is becoming a holiday. DS off sick, I'm just going to have to lie in the sun today at least. :whistle:

 

Does any 17y/o want to go on holiday with their parents? I didn't.

 

 

I'd LOVE my son to go on holiday on his own with friends or other family etc, but he won't, he won't even go to a corner SHOP on his own. The day my son does that, will make ours....

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But ds isn't 17 He's 17 physically; he's 17 intellectually but I don't know what age he is socially and emotionally - we can't see much progress from when he left primary school maybe 11 or 12

 

think you've hit the nail on the head there. We are starting to get "looks" from people who don't know about JP when they hear he still goes on holiday with us. Stuff them I say, we'll do what suits us & him for as long as it takes.

 

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We use Activenture for our break. Here he is (on the bench, far right) at Easter - no coat, no shoes, no helmet, lol. There are other schemes and funders. I'll see if I can put together a list of people who might fund - ours comes from Direct Payments.

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We use Activenture for our break. Here he is (on the bench, far right) at Easter - no coat, no shoes, no helmet, lol. There are other schemes and funders. I'll see if I can put together a list of people who might fund - ours comes from Direct Payments.

 

This is the sort of thing my son hates really ! he does not relate to 'disabled' in wheelchairs or that type of provision, basically he doesn't see himself as disabled at all... we tried it once he never went again :wallbash: I think the real issue is mostly these things are not with people he knows or meets on any regular basis. Perhaps if his school organised something he would be more willing to try, but they don't do anything like that.... another outward bound course in Hereford said no, as he was the only one who would be there and they hadn't the one-on-one he needed...... We seem doomed to face the fact there is nothing suitable... and no back up available. Money is not the real question..

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Is there any way to place an age on emotional and social development by the way?

 

The increasingly accepted theory is to subtract a third of their chronological age to get an idea of their emotional age.

 

HTH

 

Bid :)

 

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This is the sort of thing my son hates really ! he does not relate to 'disabled' in wheelchairs or that type of provision, basically he doesn't see himself as disabled at all... we tried it once he never went again :wallbash: I think the real issue is mostly these things are not with people he knows or meets on any regular basis. Perhaps if his school organised something he would be more willing to try, but they don't do anything like that.... another outward bound course in Hereford said no, as he was the only one who would be there and they hadn't the one-on-one he needed...... We seem doomed to face the fact there is nothing suitable... and no back up available. Money is not the real question..

 

Maybe you just haven't found the right thing yet. The NAS list is ever-growing.

 

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You may be right, however the system is hell-bent on putting our support options firmly with thei nclusive play disability register and all that entails. Unfortunately autistics cannot be pigeon-holed to these things, he's the same with non-autistics so... He literally walked out of one disability sports day out, because he was the only one able to stand. It's like putting a deaf person in a system where everyone is hearing and speaking, it will only lead to more isolation and may well be counter-productive and damaging. The last summer holidays they said my son was eligible for a 3 week (Daily), play scheme. I signed him up and took him there, there were aout 20 kids there, none actually seemed 'disabled' at all, but were children from broken families/single parent ones etc. That 9 of these children did not even speak English wasn't exactly helpful either. I am sure there was a valid need for them to be included in organised play, I am not knocking that, as a number were children of migrants etc, but why the hell did they suggest an autistic should be going there ? They then respond to complaints our son is provided for...... My area has just started up an local NAS website, it is not operating at present, I contacted a larger regional NAS office they looked up my area and confirmed there was nothing there. Seriously we are going to have to move house to get support he needs, not an easy or cheap option at all ! and who addresses our needs ?

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Hi joybed

 

Sounds like a great solution to me. My eldest used to love going to his grandparents - it was a holiday to him, even though it was only 11 miles away! He will have a good time and you will all have a much needed break from each other to recharge the batteries. And you will have the chance to devote more attention to the other children, which they will benefit from.

 

If my youngest didn't want to come (he's unable to at the moment due to his problems so we don't go anywhere) and we had someone to leave him with, it wouldn't work for us because the eldest would not go without him!!!! :wub:

 

Enjoy it, you will all feel better for it.

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is it worth contacting the NAS and ask them if there is any holiday schemes for people with autism related conditions? why ask is our local autism group has set up a holiday club during the long school holidays,where they take them out for various activites,horse ridiing,swimming,pin bowling etc,m,aybe they have contacts of a local or near local scheme for adventure holidays for teenagers.

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