I am worried

[hsmum]

 

Hello,

 

I work closely in school with two brothers, one aged 10 and one aged 8. Both boys have problems with self esteem and both have behavioural problems. Both boys are academically behind their peers The eldest boy has Asperger Syndrome. The boys' mother works long hours so the father is the main carer for the boys. In conversation, the father has said to me that he has mental health problems and sometimes finds it hard to cope with the boys' behaviour.

 

 

I do not want to raise alarm bells, but I am concerned. What should I do>

 

 

 

 

[Kazzen161]

You should mention it to your Child Protection person. It is up to them to decide what to do - they may have other information that you do not have. It sounds like the family needs some help - I think a lot of us have been there.

[Sally44]

I think any of us parents with a child with an ASD can find it hard to cope with their behaviour or the demands it makes on you. This isn't just because of the child. It is usually because it takes years to get a diagnosis and then further effort, assessments, fighting, educational tribunals etc to get an educational place we feel happy with. That does take it's toll. Many parents find themselves suffering with stress, anxiety, depression etc because it is so hard to have to deal with a diagosis and then get up and start fighting for their educational rights.

What is your role in the school. Are you their teaching assistant? How did they tell you this information, was it matter of fact or did it appear something more? I think you should speak with the class teacher about your concerns, if they are the person you would report something like this to. It might be nothing 'unusual' as most of us have had times like that. Or they may definately need more support, aren't receiving it, and aren't coping.

They would probably benefit from someone explaining to them what they are entitled to in terms of family supports and also in terms of benefits, because it is also not unusual for families with a child on the spectrum to be surviving on one wage or sometimes none.

[julieann]

Hello,

 

I work closely in school with two brothers, one aged 10 and one aged 8. Both boys have problems with self esteem and both have behavioural problems. Both boys are academically behind their peers The eldest boy has Asperger Syndrome. The boys' mother works long hours so the father is the main carer for the boys. In conversation, the father has said to me that he has mental health problems and sometimes finds it hard to cope with the boys' behaviour.

 

 

I do not want to raise alarm bells, but I am concerned. What should I do>

 

hsmum,

 

In secondary school we have staff with the title of pastoral care for KS3 + KS4. I do realise the boys are primary age. I'm not sure if they have pastoral care for KS1 +KS2 in primary.

 

Julieann

[Mandapanda]

Hello,

 

I work closely in school with two brothers, one aged 10 and one aged 8. Both boys have problems with self esteem and both have behavioural problems. Both boys are academically behind their peers The eldest boy has Asperger Syndrome. The boys' mother works long hours so the father is the main carer for the boys. In conversation, the father has said to me that he has mental health problems and sometimes finds it hard to cope with the boys' behaviour.

 

 

I do not want to raise alarm bells, but I am concerned. What should I do>

 

Does you school run self-esteem groups, or social communication groups, or something similar? This sort of group helped my son and he enjoyed them, and it may give them some extra quality interaction they might need at the moment.

 

It's nothing personal against you, as I know you are doing the right thing asking the question, but I have seen schools (and work colleagues) jump to blame a parent's mental illness for situations, when in fact it is the situation exacerbating the mental health problems. It cannot help the boys if their mother is out of the house for long hours. (I'm not criticising working mums as I am one, but it could be contributing to their low self-esteem. They might think mummy wants to be at work and not with them, and dad may, without realising it, be conveying that he is not totally enthusiastic about looking after them full time. Children are very sensitive emotionally, even they may not be able to verbalise it.) It's easy for parents to almost compete about who has had the hardest day, and I imagine she's probably exhausted when she gets home and is not too enthusiastic about taking over with 2 'lively' children, which if the roles were reversed the man would be expected to do.

 

You could get into conversation with the dad again and ask if he's considered talking to his GP about this, or he may have a Care Co-ordinator in a Mental Health Team who can give some extra support. It is stressful bringing up children, and some stay at home dads have mixed emotions about the situation, without having children with difficulties to cope with as well. I personally think it would be better for him to ask for help than for Social Services to turn up at the door as this will be extremely stressful for the family. His GP or CC can discuss involving Social Services with him/them so it wouldn't be a shock.

 

However, if you suspect the children may be at some sort of risk, then of course you MUST raise the alarm.

[Sooze2]

I just wanted to say that I felt the same as the father for a while, especially when everything with DS came to a head in year 2 and 3. The Parent Support Worker took me under her wing and told me I could have 6 funded (free) counselling sessions with the Parent Partnership people if I thought it would help (it did) and she made sure that all my concerns about my sons needs were adressed within school and spoke to all the relevent proffessionals about him and the effect it was having on the family etc.

 

I'm telling you this because his mental health problem may be a result of his child's needs not the other way around, the other child may be reacting to how his brother is bahaving. My family was at breaking point last year when DS became so unhappy and frustrated at school because of his difficulties - the school often don't see what is really going on because the child bottles up there feelings untill they get home where they can create a war zone which is hideous to live in for the whole family.

 

I would give him the number or email address of the local Parent in Partnership In your area if there isn't one in school and tell him they can offer a lot of sevices and support. I feel that for the Father to be honest like that with you he must be feeling pretty alone right now and he is just looking for support but doesn't know where to get it. I think it is especially hard for men to find the support they need because it is usually women who deal with the Children and all that goes along with it so if the man is the main carer there isn't often anywhere for them to turn and they feel shy of asking for help because the are "meant" to be the strong ones in there eyes. A lot of men also have certain hopes and dreams for their sons and it is quite hard for them to cope with having a child with difficulties who doesn't fit into that classic "boy" box, my husband felt this anyway and it was hard up untill very very recently for him to accept it.

 

He's telling you that he is finding it hard to cope which is brilliant - I would be more concerned if he wasn't telling you to be honest so he needs support from people who understand before he stops talking to you. He needs support for someone who can listen to him sound off and be upset about his situation without being judged.

 

Sorry editing to say that I agree with what MandaPanda said about Social Services.

Edited July 3, 2009 by Sooze2