Possible ASD in Partner?

[Lulu]

Hi, I'm new here I'm 27 and have been with my partner for five years. I feel very guilty because recently I have been really struggling to cope with his behaviour. Sorry if this is a bit long, but I will start at the top so I can give you as much info as I can.

 

My partner is 35, highly intelligent and able to hold an almost encyclopedic knowledge of general information. He has three main hobbies and is extremely gifted musically, having played as a professional in a band since he was a teenager. He didn't have a very good childhood and his father divorced his mother when he was a baby.

 

When I met him, he was the kindest most caring man I had ever met in the world. He was thoughful and really loving, but when I moved in with him I noticed he had really weird "quirks" (OCD) which manifested themselves in a number of different ways. Amongst these was a need to keep things almost obsessively clean, like his car and his room. He also went into deep deep dark depressions that I couldn't bring him out of where he would retreat into this world and not talk to me for hours until he came out of it. In the first house we shared, he would come home and if he had been through a particularly bad day, he would lie on the bed and bat the light pull for literally hours at a time and not say a word to me or move. He also has a quick temper and not a lot of patience although he can focus and repair or stitch like a pro?? Sometimes I feel embarrassed to go out with him because of his propensity to say the most embarrassing things out loud about people who he spots when we are shopping (e.g. to a Chinese couple in the supermarket "Out the way my old china"...).

 

Since we moved into our first house together things got a lot worse. His job got a LOT stressful and he wouldn't hug me or kiss me and he would keep going into cycles of serious depression, in which a typical scenario would be - he would come home from work, pick up the meal I had cooked him and wander through to the lounge, totally ignoring me and watch tv until bed time. He wouldn't speak to me all evening. This went on for well over a year until I had to find another job due to money. It was 56 miles from my home which meant that I was away during the week. For the first two months of me being away, when I came home on the weekends he was really obnoxious toward me and alternated between hating me and crying on the phone to me during the week.

 

After being away for six months, all of a sudden his behaviour totally changed and I just felt an overwhelming hatred coming from him. Then in October of last year, he sat me down one night and told me he didn't think he loved me and didn't think he could live like we were anymore. I felt like my heart had been torn out and my life was falling around my ears. He asked me to stay out where my job was until he felt like he could deal with being around me again.

 

Around this time he kept feeling really ill, so I persuaded him to go to the Doctor, he was put on blood pressure tablets and they discovered he had type 2 diabetes. Then he had blood tests done, but when they came back, the Doctor called him in to the surgery and told him the blood tests highlighted a chemical in his system that is only present when the body has a benign rare type of brain tumour and he had to have scans to confirm the location, then have it removed (they even told him how the procedure would go ahead - they were that convinced of its existence). They put him on a load of tablets to try and control his blood pressure, but I discovered the tablets they put him on caused severe depression after he told me he felt suicidal, like he was losing his mind and had SCARY episodes of rage - I had to contact his Doctor to inform them of this and have him taken off them. Unfortunately, by this time the Doctor had told him to steer clear of stress to try and lower his blood pressure and he equated me with causing his stress. I was unceremoniously thrown out of my house for three months on and off - over Christmas. He turned into a moody, self centered monster during this time and spent all his time breaking up with me via text, then changing his mind and getting back together with me - the record was six times in one day.

 

In January, a new batch of results came back - it turned out the medication he was on was causing his body to create chemical readings of a tumour. He was referred to an endocrinologist who said he suspected the culprit to be male menopause and he said it also accounted for the moody, abusive, withdrawn teenager which I saw on and off over the past five years, but who was now manifesting with daily frequency. The results which should have shown issues with testosterone levels, came back normal - so after being reassured by a hospital specialist that they had found the cause, it turned out we were back on the wild goose-chase.

 

After five years of being called a pervert if I ask for a hug, feeling emotionally cut out of a relationship which seems to revolve around his needs and wants, where I feel like none of my needs are met, I am basically a live in cook, carer, accountant, cleaner etc, I feel like our relationship is more of a mother and son one than equal partners. He has a habit of constantly berating me about the house not being clean enough, even though I spend every weekend I get home from work cleaning the house on my hands and knees. His OCD is really starting to get a serious problem - he is particularly obsessive about shoes being straight and lined up levelly. Things have to be in the right place and he is constantly adjusting things, which drives me up the wall!!

 

My life is really complicated at the moment - I am still having to live away from my home and him during the week, I am stuck in a very stressful job, my parents have recently had their home repossessed and my health has rapidly deteriorated to the point where I am now suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and depression myself.

 

I have bought at least 40 books and spoken to fifty hospital consultants, helplines, specialists and on dozens of forums asking questions and trying to find out the reason why he is like this and how I can help him out of a life that he has told me makes him miserable and depressed. I know there is something wrong and I am determined to make sure he gets the answers he needs to make the choices that mean he can live a fulfilling life where he is happy for once.

 

The breakthrough came when I spoke to a friend who's husband suffered with Aspergers and Autism - who said everything I had described fit the profile of ASD perfectly. Suddenly the peices clicked into place and my sister's behaviour when she was a child and suffering with Aspergers/OCD particularly badly came back to me. Plus I remember my partner saying that his daughter has just been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, Dyslexia and Dysphraxia. I got him to take the AQ test online and he scored a 32.

 

Sorry to blather on - but please can someone tell me does the above sound like Autism/Aspergers/ASD because after over a year of searching, I am hopeful I have finally found a possible answer?

 

Many thanks for taking the time to read this

[Delyth]

Hi Lulu

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

All the above does seem to indicate an ASD to me - though I am not qualified to diagnose of course! It also seems to me that your partner has some very complex mental health issues at the moment too which might be complicating matters a great deal and clouding the issues. I can see that life is very stressful for both of you but it's great that you may finally be able to get some answers and work out a way forward.

 

My partner was diagnosed a few years ago with Asperger Syndrome. To help us decide if he was likely to be on the spectrum we used the NAS guidelines, the diagnostic criteria and a great book "Asperger Syndrome and long term relationships" by Ashley Stanford. We went through all of the criteria and began to see how and if my partner 'fitted'.

 

Eventually having our suspicions confirmed with a diagnosis has enabled us to work to save our marriage.

 

Best wishes

 

Delyth

[bid]

Hi Lulu,

 

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time.

 

Just a note of caution...your partner's difficulties could also be caused by various things other than ASD.

 

The only way to know for sure is for him to be assessed by a specialist in adult diagnosis.

 

Good luck.

 

bid

[Lulu]

Hi thanks to you both for replying.

 

I do believe he has dyslexia (I have it and spell better than him!) and I know he had a mental breakdown caused by a very tramatic incident when he was 15. He has always had Sleep Opnea very badly and stops breathing for up to a minute at a time, which means I can't sleep properly because when he stops breathing I freak out. He is overweight (about 22 stone). I think he has Autism, Aspergers and other issues, possibly Bipolar Disorder (which his sister was diagnosed with recently) and I know he has some kind of depression for sure. He is a total pessimist, but instead calls himself a realist.

 

I have always known he was different and operated differently than me its just that as the years have passed, he is getting progressively worse and harder to live with/handle. He seems to fall apart at stress and it just manifests itself at rage. At times it feels to both he and I like he just can't handle life. He is constantly going on about how life is unfair to him and he feels cheated. Recently he has been talking about starting up old hobbies and is trying to find another job which is a total career change to what he has been spending the last 12 years doing.

 

Some days I wish I could rely on him to help me with accounts, or the house because the stress of having to organise both of our lives is crippling. I don't want to leave because everyone has always given up on him, but I really am struggling to cope.

[Delyth]

Hi Lulu

 

I found that the best way I could support my partner was firstly to look after myself and to make sure I was happy, healthy and strong.

This meant: regular exercise, sorting physical 'aches and pains', meeting my friends - frequently, enjoying work, getting some counselling, being creative, keeping a diary etc etc. And we also lived separately for a period of time.

 

I suggest you do what ever you need to get yourself strong, and then you can be a source of strength for your partner.

There is also a website and discussion forum for people in AS/NS relationships that might be able to help: www.aspires-relationships.com

 

Look after yourself first.

 

Delyth

 

[Tally]

Hi Lulu, and welcome to the forum.

 

There are some things that point to possible ASD, but there are so many things going on that it's really hard to give an opinion. It does sound like he has multiple, complex issues going on.

 

Bipolar disorder can present as predomenantly depressive episodes, with relatively mild manic episodes. The suddenness and severity of his depressive episodes do point to bipolarism rather than "ordinary" depression. It's also possible to get mixed episodes where the person simultaneously experiences manic and depressive symptoms - rage is a common result!

 

People with Asperger's can often behave in ways which make their partner feel unloved, but Asperger's does not cause you to go out of your way to be nasty to people like your boyfriend is doing. Some mental illnesses can lead people to behave like that, and if you are ill then you have a responsibility to get treatment so that you can treat your partner kindly. Has he actually done anything during the your relationship to access treatment for the illnesses that cause him to be so horrible to you? And then there's always the possibility that he is just not a very nice person.

 

You say you don't want to leave because other people have given up on him. This is really not a good reason to stay. You are already struggling to cope with the relationship, suffering with depression and chronic fatigue, and failing to achieve a level of cleanliness to his taste. If you carry on the same, you will not be in a position to provide him with support anyway. I think there are many behaviours which might have led his previous partners to choose to end the relationship - it's not necessarily true that they have all been uncaring.

 

Have you looked up Borderline Personality Disorder at all?

[Lulu]

Yup. I have 15 books on BPD, BPD/Manic Depression, depression in men, dealing with depression, how to survive through depression when a loved one has it, undoing depression, male menopause and male mid-life crisis... the list is endless and I have read them all.

 

This is the frustrating thing. I have actually spoken to his Doctor and asked her to help, but because of his state of mind, he won't let me go with him to see her and when he has done when this first started up, he didn't even tell her he had depression. He has promised I can go with him this time, but the Doctor just doesn't seem to care that I am going through this utter torture and seems totally nonchalant about the whole thing.

 

My partner is someone who tells me that Birthdays and Christmas's mean nothing because as a child he never had them celebrated, so therefore he doesn't understand why I get so angry at him for not even getting me a card on my Birthday. Last November it was our four year anniversary and not only did I not get a text or a card - he didn't contact me all day.

 

I know he has serious issues and I know most of them are mental health ones, but I have been to hell and back for him, from nursing him when he was off ill and giving him bed baths, to emptying buckets of pee when he had his leg in a cast and couldn't walk. I am one of those people who doesn't like to think people can be so cruel to one another as he is to me without a valid reason as to why. I guess that is why I am so eager to find out if he has got something wrong with him and that he will get better. That an illness is the reason why he treats me so badly. When I got told he had the brain tumour I was told as soon as they took it out he would have a total personality change and that he would be a happy, "normal" completely different person and I was looking forward to having a "normal" relationship for once. Then when they said he hadn't got it, I was back with dealing with the monster and homeless.

 

I am sure that this behaviour isn't all down to the illness and it really hurts to have to accept that he may be putting me through this on purpose.

 

I just want it to stop.

[smiley1590]

i can relate to your partner i have mild depression but can mix into highs and lows like BI polar but can also be part of having undiagnosed AS etc sounds like you both struggling along! i'd make contact with NAS for assessment help and support sounds like you suffered for so long maybe anti-depressants and pyschlogist/pyshctrist also??? here NAS web link with useful info that may advice you more id email and ring them and explain you're situation as you both got your own health problems! must drag you down and make you tired! good luck with everything! hope you both get your need met and things start to get better for you both! you don't deserve this you both need answers of some kind to the why he is the way he is! how sure you are is he has AS? could he have anything else too like dyspraxia? surprised doctor ain't prescribed anti depressants? he every acted on his suicidal thoughts? has he ever harmed himself? OCD common MH prob and can be sign part of AS obsessiveness routines etc do you think he has BPD? i shut off from people when that depressed so can personally understand that! must be strain and worry on you hard to cope with all time! constant MH probs mood swings! do you get any help and support for your depression? like meds? MH workers etc? do you get any for CFS? how your depression affect you? and what think started your depression off? what you think started your partner's off? i'd keep a diary/record of up and down mood swings depression suiciidal feelings etc! does your partner realise he has MH probs? has doc said anything to help him out at all? suggested any support?

 

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=126

 

take care

XKLX

 

 

[flyingladybird]

I just want it to stop.

I am an undiagnosed AS adult.

lived pretty much unaware of my AS throughout my life till recently. did look at stuff said about Autism in my Twenties but didn't think about AS mainly because life had been somewhat busy e.g. married with a child born with a complex genetic disorder (nothing to do with ASD) so the focus was mainly on her not myself over a number of years.

 

I have been through relationships that were highly quite dis-functional in my time and I admit that it was partly to do with my personal need in the past to be "normal" being in marriage or in a relationship to make me feel like a normal person whilst AW characteristics were definitely part of problematical decision-makings and disasters!

 

am currently getting at the starting point to access to a diagnostic assessment. (ok there will be a long waiting before d/a takes place)

 

hear what you are saying. does this chap actually love you or is he in love with you? doesn't sound like he is or to put it more accurately, he doesn't sound like he's someone who's capable of loving and caring someone. he doesn't appear to make any sort of efforts leaving everything to you. I did something similar in my life if you are a generous character. some of us tend to pick a "project" she can work on and it rarely works out.

 

maybe it's rite of passage who knows.

you deserve someone better than this man as someone else said in a more polite way. I made a lot of crazy choice in my time and it nearly destroyed me. these days, I'm too old to fall into something that is unworkable. you need to ask yourself if this man will be there for you if it's his turn to help you out when you're in trouble. if the answer is no. maybe sticking to someone who never returns for your care and love would only be "self-destructive".

Edited July 19, 2009 by flyingladybird

[Lulu]

Thanks for posting back with more advice etc, its really helpful to hear from someone who has gone through similar circumstances.

 

I don't know whether he loves me. Sometimes he buys me things. This year he bought me flowers and a card for my birthday. Some times I am utterly convinced that he is actually not able to love like I, or other people do. The things he did to me and said over the Christmas period and the things he comes out with still, like taking the mickey of my weight or rebuffing me if I try and hug or kiss him have made me really question my relationship with him. I feel like I can't trust him at all. He has been shown to be a pathological liar and is commonly known as such. Sometimes I feel like the gifts are apologies for the abuse he puts me through or leaving me on my own.

 

I am finding him particularly difficult to believe since I found texts on him phone from another woman I know he works with, saying that she loved him and texts back from him saying he was going to see her "for a cuddle x" before Christmas. He swears to me she wanted a relationship with him, but that he put her right and said he wasn't interested. My neighbour called me on two occasions when we were going through the diffculties over Christmas to ask if I'd split up with him because another woman was staying over at nights and on the weekends. But he says the neighbour is lying. This same neighbour has never caused any issues to me before and always been really helpful toward me and my partner in the past.

 

I know that when this woman isn't working with him, she is still texting him. Sometimes he gets texts through until 11pm and as early as 6:30am and he always replies and lies about who is sending them. I have heard him on the phone to her ansd if I am in the room with him, he goes really guarded and business-like and I hear her ask what is wrong and he will say that he is just tired or whatever. If I question him he goes into a massive rage about it and tells me its work and not to have a go at him. Now since I moved back to my home, pretty much every night or every other night he is staying to work late, or he all of a sudden "has" to go in to work on the weekends for a few hours. I know this woman lives close to his work place so he could easily be visiting her instead of being at work. He does have a lot of things going on at work, so it could be that he is just at work and not doing anything, but I can't tell because of how he is generally. He usually always deletes texts as soon as he gets them and if ask him about any calls or texts he launches into a tirade about how he doesn't want to talk about it and walks out.

 

I know he has mental health issues and I realise after all this time he isn't a project and I of all people am the last person who would be able to fix him.

 

Does this sound like Aspergers, or is it just other mental health issues coupled with other things?

[bid]

Does this sound like Aspergers, or is it just other mental health issues coupled with other things?

 

No!

 

Sorry to be very direct, but this sounds exactly like someone who is having an affair.

 

Bid

[Tally]

For now, I think you might be better off focussing your attentions on some important decisions rather than trying to work out the reasons behind his behaviour. He is clearly distinterested in discussing the future of your relationship with you, which means there is very little scope for change.

[Kathryn]

Hi Lulu

 

You sound like a very nice person who is being taken for a ride.

 

Believe that you deserve better, and get out before this person irreparably wrecks your life.

 

K x