From zero to 100 on the anger scale - in a second!!!

[MOSEY]

I love DS so much and I am so proud with how well he is coping with his AS. He is a lovely, sociable and caring boy.

 

HOWEVER - I keep wanting to run for the hills when he goes off on one! The simplest request these days is being met with shouting, screaming and real insolence. It's like Kevin the teenager gone mad!

 

For example:

 

We had a fabulous day yesterday. Eldest DS was swimming with his friend. When he got home, we took my youngest and his two pals to the pics to see Ice Age 3. Was brilliant. Made a big fuss of eldest DS as he was a star taking the littler ones to the loo during the film and generally being lovely. Told him how proud I was and we had a snuggle watching the film. Then, we all went to McDonalds for tea. On the way back, younger DS asked me to put on the Take That CD which i did. CUE - EXTREME REACTION from eldest DS!! DS screams 'Get that off - I hate Take That! Lot of rubbish - I'm warning you mum, it's killing my head - you need to put that off NOW!' I tried to play the whole thing down as the other kids who were guests looked shocked. No let up. He was beyond listening to reason. Outrageously badly behaved and I was starting to lose my cool at all the shouting and cheek. I stopped the car at the top of our road and suggested he walk home to cool off (very short road - this usually helps) . He arrived home and started again. I firmly told him I would talk it all through with him once he was calmer and suggsted he went to his room for a think until he was feeling better. He pointed out that my not listening to him was bad parenting! (By this point I'm using every fibre of my being to stop myself from screaming and heading for the hills!!!)

 

Later, once he was calm and we had talked about it, he was totally apologetic and could understand that it was selfish to demand his own way and scream and shout, but at the time, there is no reasoning with him. A similar incident ensued today because we had to walk the dogs. Honestly, I love him so much but there are times when it is SOOO hard!!!!!!!!

 

Sorry - just had to get that off my chest! If anyone was kind enough to read the whole rant, thank you!!!

Edited July 23, 2009 by MOSEY

[Willow-Tree]

Hello.

I read the whole rant. I'm 17 and I have Asperger's. Is it particular things that set this type of thing off? Because I know sometimes there are things that are totally unacceptable in my head, and I just need to either be as far away as possible, or whatever it is that's upsetting me needs to be as far away as possible. If it is particular things, maybe you could sit down with him when he is totally fine and nothing has upset him, and just ask what it is that sets him off, and ask what you could do to help at the time. Because maybe asking when he is okay, will help him see how he could be helped. I'm sorry if that isn't making sense, I'm not entirely sure how to get what I'm thinking in my head into words. I just mean, that maybe when his head is clear he will have an idea of how to help him when his head isn't clear? Just a thought. I think that's how me and my Mum deal with things best. We prepare for things that might go wrong when I'm okay, and can see reason.

 

Willow

xx

[MOSEY]

Thanks Willow-Tree - your reply is so sensible. This response from DS starts when something he doesn't like has to happen which might, perhaps, interrupt something he'd rather be doing. We do spend time talking when he (and I )are calm and he is a smart cookie, who is able to understand what has happened. It's just really frustrating in the throws of his upset. I can see him getting angrier and angrier and to be honest, I try to stop him getting worse because he always ends up saying things he regrets later and we than have to 'ground' him or give him into trouble because we can't let him behave that way in front of his brother.

 

I think I'm just feeling a bit helpless just now because my OH is working away so it's just the three of us at home all week. I've always been the one who has made everything seem better and been a comfort to him, but just now, he seems to see me as a source of anxiety as I am the one placing the boundaries and making the decisions about what we are all up to. I get cross with myself as I should know he doesn't mean it and I shouldn't get mad, but it's so upsetting both to see him in such a state and also some of the things he says.

 

It was really good of you to reply - thanks! Hope my DS is as grounded as you are when he is 17!!

[Willow-Tree]

Hello,

 

It seems like you are doing really well with him though, it's good that you understand his difficulties. Before you go out, tell him where you're going and what's happening. If it's somewhere you've never been before, prepare information and pictures for him to look through so he can see it in his head and get used to the idea. I still have to do that now. For example, we're going on holiday tomorrow. It's somewhere I've been before, but I've not been to the hotel we're staying at. So I've seen lots of pictures and I've prepared a map of how to get there. And I printed off all the train times, opening times of attractions etc, just so I know what's happening when. When I get really stressed out about something, Mum just stops doing everything for a few minutes and talks really calmly to me, she tries to put things into perspective, and reasons with me. Like, for example, if there isn't a certain thing, that I went to town to buy, in stock, she'll calm me down and say that we can look other places, or get it off the internet, and perhaps buy something to compensate, or to draw my attention away for a while. To other people it looks like she's 'giving in' to me, letting me get my way. But for us, it's a coping mechanism. Sometimes it's not the way to go, for example if it is something unreasonable or something that is going to affect other people in a negative way. But just all take the time to breathe and calm down, I'm sure you will be able to work through it!

 

Good luck,

 

Willow

Edited July 23, 2009 by Willow-Tree

[smiley1590]

i have AS myself it hard to control anger,frustration etc as all roll into one thing after another we get so lost and confused and vent it at someone normally someone like parents so it very common to just 'explode' then be apologic im just the same! it's an AS/ASD thing meltdowns as they known we seem to blow up more and get upset emotions seem last hell alot longer in our minds and lives! you not alone i had anger rages in past then felt shocked guilty after as if someone else had done them things that how makes you feel deep inside! you begin to hate that part of you so much wanting it to leave you alone and go away!

 

he probably inside screaming at himself for being that way that's only way he feels he can vent it safely enough! to release tension and pressure within him and his life with AS and anger! does he get any help and support? does he suffer with MH probs depression anxiety etc??? AS and anger together can be rather 'complex issues' to work through improve and start progress it's knowing where starting point is! does he know he has a problem with anger? i used seem irrational when anger caught me up! like many others out there! it scary tough!

 

take care

good luck!

XKLX

[brooke]

Hi

i dont have much advice but wanted to send you <'> <'> My ds is going through a very similar phase, i know its his way of coping and dealing with things but the cheek aggression and anger are so diffcult to deal with sometimes and it doesnt help that it tends to be in public when this happens I try and ignore the insults and threats as much as i can as i know he doesnt mean it and when i cant ignore i try and reason with him. I think for my ds its the change of routine as we are now in the summer holidays.

take care <'>

 

[MOSEY]

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I really appreciate it. Sam does know he has anger issues and he knows it's his AS. he's only eleven, but when he was about 8, he exploded with a girl on the school bus and really hurt her. He was so upset afterwards and gets a taxi to school now because of this incident which has also helped many of the other issues he had on the bus. Anyway, after that he self harmed a bit which was so upsetting for all of us and he attended a clinic and saw a therapist. We also went to classes to help us in supporting him with his AS. If he needs, they said he could go back and try the SNAP programme, which is anger management work. He hates feeling 'different' and is always trying to avoid seeing 'services'!

 

I know he can't help losing it - I just feel inadequate when I can't calm him down and I don't want him to hate himself (or me) because of it. He can be really hard on himself afterwards but also, I have to be firm with him to help him manage his reactions. So it's a fine balancing act between talking about these issues and also not upsetting his self esteem. And he has loads to be proud of - he's a fab wee guy!

 

I think when you are a mum you just worry that if you don't get it right, your kid might not be a happy grown up - that worries me more than anything else.

 

It's so kind of people to share their experiences about this. I feel much much better for posting. Thank you!!!

Edited July 23, 2009 by MOSEY

[MOSEY]

Brooke - thanks. I think you are so right - the Summer Hols do upset things every year. It's a big routine change and this year, DS goes on to high school which is on his mind. I need to work on my patience!!!!

Edited July 23, 2009 by MOSEY

[brooke]

you sound like a great mum Mosey and are doing as much as you can, i have very similar worries i guess we just have to hope they grow into fine young men! My ds is going into yr 4 in sept but i dread the time he has to move up to comprehensive, its such an upheaval for them I was given very little notice that my son's support worker has been changed from one lovely lady to five different people in sept This is going to be very hard for him so im guessing his anger wont subside until Jan now when he has hopefully settled down a bit into his new routine. All i can say is thank god his transport is staying the same as that would of been too much for him to bear.

[MOSEY]

You might be pleasantly surprise Brooke. We were worried sick as DS had big changes last year with support staff and transport and during the Summer was convinced everything would go wrong when he got back.

 

Quite the opposite - his new supports worked really well for him and he ended up blossoming and becoming more independent as a result.

 

I guess it's always prudent to prepare for the worst, then you have every possibility of being pleasantly surprised!! And thank you so much for your kind words.

Edited July 24, 2009 by MOSEY

[BillyX]

I was going to answer but Willows advice is by far the best .....(Can I have your Mum please Willow?)

 

As soon as you decide you are going to do something, let your son in on it, take him through the thought process that leads you to decide what you are going to do. As Willow says ,find pictures , internet references. Involve him in planning the best day for it. Even after all the preparation I am a bundle of jittery nerves just on the aproach to a new meeting/person/place.

 

Adult autistic (Me, not you.... HeHe)

[MOSEY]

Thanks BillyX!

 

I do take Sam through new situations in great depth - I have also spent hours with him making and illustrating a book full of social stories which reflect situations specific to him to help him understand what has gone on.

 

The extreme reactions which have been causing the stress are not due to new situations, they are caused when he doesn't get to do what he wants or someone does something he does not want them to do. I appreciate that this might be upsetting for him, but I also think he really needs to learn that not everything will be his choice all the time and that other people can listen to music or make a decision without him having a complete screaming match and making personal comments. I'm scared that if he doesn't get help managing this, he will compromise his chances of having positive give an take relationships in the future.

 

That's why I always spend a long time talking to him afterwards or doing a social story approach with him. He always understands after the event, but it doesn't make his behaviour any easier to deal with at the time and if there are other children with him, it's not always possible to ignore it.

[BillyX]

Sounds to me like you have got it sorted. If you were my mum I would be very happy with your approach. So ... its a matter of time, you have to keep doing the things you do now. You are right of course that it is your place to make sure there is no escalation into losing tempers and name calling, that will make the learning process so much longer. In fact losing your temper, getting angry and/or name calling is two steps backwards in the time scale for your son to learn.

 

When he first starts his tantrum he is waiting for your response. A distraction from the event is the first step, gently touch his hand or cheek. Point to something entirely different. Pass him something that will take his attention.Make slow calm movements not as if you are in haste to quell his temper. Most of all .... count to ten. He has already learned that it is wrong, you have crossed the biggest hurdle.

 

The "walking home" bit is excellent. Time to be on his own and reflect on the event. If calming fails find a way for him to be on his own.

 

About the music ... this may be a personal thing, but if I hear music that I do not like it irritates me and I can feel this irritation rising and rising. There is nothing I can do to stop it and I don`t always let it rest. I will sometimes leave it untill I am quite annoyed then snap or play my own music even louder as a protest. I often say nothing because I know its only going to be a short term thing (playing the music) , but I am still stressed by it and act as if annoyed. I am forty-nine.

Edited July 25, 2009 by BillyX

[MOSEY]

BillyX thank you - that was a really helpful post. Particularly the bit about managing the tantrums. I will try this next time (which might be in about 5 minutes heehee as we need to take him out and he doesn't want to go!). You are so right about staying calm - and that's the bit that's hardest for me, especially when I'm tired. It's so easy to get cross and it always makes things worse.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts about the music - it's very helpful for me to imagine it from DS's point of view. Last night my OH was playing his music for ages and it was really getting to me after a while. Made me realise how Sam had felt, just in a much more intense way!

 

I hope I haven't painted too negative a picture of my boy - he really is a gorgeous kid and he would never wilfully upset anyone. He can't help how he feels a lot of the time, but I wouldn't swap him - he's my wee star!

[BillyX]

I hope I haven't painted too negative a picture of my boy - he really is a gorgeous kid and he would never wilfully upset anyone. He can't help how he feels a lot of the time, but I wouldn't swap him - he's my wee star!

 

I can tell he is a good boy.... you said he acknowledges what he does and knows he is wrong ....

In another post I mentioned that you have something NT mothers often do not have .. There is a certain closeness that Nt do not seem to share as much.

[MOSEY]

Thanks BillyX

[allsetuk]

i totally understand what you say here, all of you. My son is just 7, and has been on school holidays since July 9th, i took two weeks off work, I am a single parent and I have done nothing but cry, im so exhausted, im meant to go to work tomorrow and i dont feel like i can function, i feel like im just gonna cry if anyone speaks to me......ive had to borrow money to send him to childcare ....which i know will be stressful........I feel like he is 17 not 7, if he isnt shouting,banging on the floor, jumping on sofas, thrashing against the sofas, ignoring me completley, then he is agressive, pinching me, trying to rip the skin off my arms, attacking me , controlling and hurtful, wont reason, wont talk, licking me if i sit down , jumping on me to make me sit down, inappropriate behaviour, trying to escape , running off , i feel like im walking on eggshells from 6am -10pm, i cant have a discussion as everything gets misinterpreted, unless i talk about pokemon, which he has learnt entirely about in the last two weeks and i am getting shouted at if i dont understand all the evolving and in the correct order ........he gets so angry so quick, then hates himself and has started turning on himself, hitting himself for failure....i despair , i really do... the thing is he is a lovely bright boy and has loads of friends but he hides all this from school so when he is on holidays he goes nuts, i just dont know how to communicate with him

 

I cant understand why we get no help, i made a complaint to social services, still nothing...family fund have got a delay on payments so no help for holiday or outings...its like if he isnt busy learning constantly out the house he is a monster but he doesnt want to go out, the clash between aspergers and adhd is really being felt in this house.

[MOSEY]

What a shame allsetuk. It can be so hard sometimes. Is anyone in your family able to help? Sounds like you could really be doing with a couple of hours to yourself.

 

Could he start a Pokemon project, maybe writing a book about all the characters and their skills or making cardboard models of them all? When my DS is really jumpy, a project helps and he responds best when its on his current fave topic.

 

I think it's so much harder to cope when you can't just let someone else take over and let you calm a bit. Wish I could offer you more advice, but sending you my best wishes and good luck at work.

 

[allsetuk]

Thank u mosey, no i dont have any help , have very little family & they live 30 miles away and dont drive and cant cope.It really is so hard , I cant walk away as little man follows me all the time..its so sad..and without patience your right, it all seem so helpless...its hard to keep calm...

[MOSEY]

If I were you Allsetuk I'd go straight back to Social Services and tell them just how hopeless you are feeling. You could ask them directly whether or not you would qualify for shared care/respite support. We have just been approved as shared carers and will be taking a little boy for outings soon at weekends when my hubby is home. I'm much better and quite happy managing the kids when both of us are there as we can take turns coping. It's just so hard when its only you. I feel for you!!

 

There are people out there who want to help out through the Children with Disabilities team at Social Work. I'm not sure how you access it but I could ask my shared care social worker for you if you would like?

Edited July 26, 2009 by MOSEY