Hairspray Queen Report post Posted August 6, 2009 Hello all, I joined this group because I wanted to speak to others in my position and maybe make friends! I'll give a brief introduction. I'm 24-yr-old female, currently living in the South of England (although my family are from the Midlands). I have been in a relationship with a man with clinically diagnosed Aspergers Syndrome for four years. We met at uni and just clicked. He was diagnosed with AS a few months after we got together, so I've pretty much always known, however, over the past year or so, difficulties have come to light. I was first attracted to him because he was so attentive, caring, honest and faithful, not to mention gorgeous! I absolutely adore him, but after the initial euphoria I started to have doubts, which mounted up. After nearly splitting with him last year, I decided to confront the doubts head on, be open and honest with him and have a damn good go at making things work. I realised that, although for the most part we get along fine, I do find that the relationship can be hard work, and it's taken its toll on me. Like most men with AS, he has difficulty managing his emotions, communication and social difficulties and some times struggles with empathy. At times I feel happy with him, but at others I get some quite negative and uncomfortable emotions, such as guilt and resentment. I've read up a lot about these sorts of relationships and joined other online support groups. I've heard a lot of negative stuff, so am really looking for some positive support! I'm looking to speak to young people in similar positions to me, for positive emotional support and to share and swap coping strategies. Thanks for reading this. X Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
billabong Report post Posted August 7, 2009 Hello Hairspray Queen and welcome to the forum I can't claim to be young (but who said I have to behave my age?) but can certainly identify with much of what you write. Do feel free to PM me any time. It's great to realise you're not alone and, NT or AS, there's support 'out there'. All the best Billabong PS love the name! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hsmum Report post Posted August 7, 2009 Hello Billabong, Well, I'm not really all that young. However I have been married for eleven years to a man with AS. I know everybody is different but I have had to accept that: he is quite happy to spend the entire evening on his own in the attic, he does not see any need to have a social life, he gets completely stressed out by things that I have not even noticed, sometimes he behaves like a moody teenager, his do-it-yourself is absolute rubbish, his ironing is worse, he gets in terrible altercations with the neighbours, the school and people in call centres... As for the positives: he is a lovely eccentric humourous and gentle person and I would not want to change one bit of him (except perhaps the do-it-yourself). The wonderful thing about your relationship is that you understand and you are prepared to make things work. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted August 7, 2009 his do-it-yourself is absolute rubbish, his ironing is worse, he gets in terrible altercations with the neighbours, the school and people in call centres... Sorry, but since when were these anything to do with AS?? Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted August 7, 2009 Sorry, but since when were these anything to do with AS?? Obviously the diagnostic criteria are to be updated for the DSM-V Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted August 7, 2009 Obviously the diagnostic criteria are to be updated for the DSM-V Well there you go, fellas - the poifect excuse for why you haven't decorated the back bedroom or put that shelf up in the utility room... 'I can't - I'm a bit aspergers' And a new variation on an old joke... Orig: Why does it take a woman with PMT 3 days to do the ironing? Because it ******* well does - that's why! First Inversion: Why does it take a woman three days to do the ironing? Because she's probably somewhere on the spectrum... Sorry, hsmum Just running with the joke but in fiarness mumble/bid do have a point. L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted August 7, 2009 I would have thought those things could well be connected with Asperger's and dyspraxia. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted August 7, 2009 (edited) I would have thought those things could well be connected with Asperger's and dyspraxia. Ironing?? My DH must have a dreadful case of dyspraxia/AS then! (Ditto DIY ) Bid Edited August 7, 2009 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted August 8, 2009 (edited) Seriously, to me it seems quite worrying to go from linking AS/dyspraxia with possible attendent co-ordination problems, to equating being rubbish at DIY and ironing with having AS/dyspraxia...there's actually a big difference between the two. Bid Edited August 8, 2009 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hsmum Report post Posted August 10, 2009 Hello, I really must apologise if I caused any offence with my comments about ironing etc. You are correct, they are nothing really to do with AS. However, there are websites, which I have viewed, that make very negative reading for people who have partners with AS - perhaps I was only trying to lighten up a little. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted August 10, 2009 Thanks hsmum...I can see you meant it in a humourous way now! Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Delyth Report post Posted August 10, 2009 Hello Hairspray Queen Welcome to the forum. I'm happy to make friends - though find it difficult to do so on a forum due to time constraints and I can't write quickly enough, but it's a great place to start. I'm a not-so-young 47yr old NT with an AS partner. We've been together for most of 20 years and most of it happily, but I think we do both have to work a little harder than perhaps people who are in a relationship that does not involve a diagnostic level of 'communication and social difficulty'. My partner and I have developed all kinds of strategies to help ourselves over the years and I am happy to share anything that might be relevant. Meeting others with similar challenges is one of the best things for me and which prompted me to start up a support group (it's free!) in East London. You are welcome to come along if you are able and think it would be useful. Details are on the website: www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk Best wishes Delyth Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hairspray Queen Report post Posted August 10, 2009 Hi Hsmum and Delyth, Thanks for your replies. Sorry I've taken so long to reply myself. As you said, Hsmum, there is a *lot* of negativity on some other websites for AS partners. I joined this one because I was hoping for a more balanced and positive view (plus it's for UK citizens, whereas the others I joined were dominated mainly by Americans). I have posted in Meet & Greet, where there is a bit of a long-winded discussion. I have to admit, I unintentionally caused a bit of controversy when quoting some of the more negative theories regarding AS/NT relationships. I have apologised and explained myself better. I'm at a stage where I'm trying to ascertain where the difficulties lie - with the AS aspect and with my own issues. Generally my bf and I are happy but I have felt from early on that there was "something missing". I'm still trying to ascertain what exactly *is* missing, but I have become clearer on some issues that we have in the relationship. I think we have had some co-dependency issues. Our relationship was very intense from the start, he was depressed and drinking a lot and was leaning heavily on me for emotional support. At first it was okay to give a lot of support, but over time I realised that it was making me a bit overprotective of him and reluctant to bring up anything negative about the relationship or otherwise. He's a lot more stable and calm now, and I think we're both gaining independence outside the relationship, so we're not too reliant on the other. Communication is a bit hit and miss. Some times it's effortless and free-flowing, other times it's a bit of a strain. We're both quite good at explaining ourselves but, ocassionally, like in any relationship, there are misunderstandings. In terms of empathy, he is very good. He may not necessarily understand my point of view, but he will listen and try to be supportive as far as he can. Some times I can feel listened to but not "heard", but generally he knows me well enough to know what's important to me and my views on most things. I have some issues of my own regarding commitment and settling down due to my parents' own unhappy marriage. There is depression and heavy drinking in my family as well as my bf's, which does give me anxieties about the relationship, regardless of AS. I have to admit, the AS does scare me a little too, however, as I've heard some very negative things from NT women in relationships with AS men. I also attended one of Maxine Aston's Healing of Cassandra workshops, which, although useful, I also found very negative. I'll look at the website, Delyth. I'm sure it'll be useful, thanks. X Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
