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13 year old daughter pre assement help!!!

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can any one offer any advise my 13 year old daughter has been off school for a year,apart from 3x 45 min sessions 1-1 each week,she wont go out is quite happy at home not seeing anyone( she has one friend whom she sees every few weeks) we are now at the pre assement stage ,who knows how long the waiting list is!but she wont see the paedeatrician,sees clinical phsycologist ever few weeks,but refuses to see anyone else,wont even see home tutor,so missing out on all school work.anyone got any advise what i do next,cant see me getting anywhere without her co-opertaion and not getting it.have spoken to her and said possibly aspergers but unless we see someone cant get a diagnosis,seem to be going round in circles ,and she wont discuss it just changes the subject to one of hers,any help greatly appreciated,thanks. :wallbash:

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Hi welcome to the forum, has your daughter said why she won't see any one else other then clinical phsycologist, also who did you speak to " have spoken to her and said possibly aspergers but unless we see someone cant get a diagnosis ", sorry am a little confused, dosen't take much :lol:

 

Teresa :)

Edited by Teresa

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Welcome to the forum :)

 

My son was out of school for 6 months when he was 14/15, although he had been diagnosed when he was 7.

 

During that time I found that it helped to maintain a normal home routine as much as possible, and that included often doing things the young person doesn't really want to do, such as getting-up at a reasonable time. Maintaining this basic routine helps reinforce the fact that you are the parent and in charge, and they are the child who has to fit in (as they will anywhere else, including a special school for AS, for example).

 

It's very hard I know, but I do think maintaining a firm home routine, with set getting-up times, meal times and bed-times is vital when you have a child out of school. I think it also helps when it comes to attending appointments as well...again, we are the adults and in charge.

 

Have you tried introducing a daily timetable for DD, so that she can see how her time will be structured? This always worked well for us. Apologies if you are already doing this!

 

Good luck, and hope things become easier >:D<<'>

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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Hi and welcome to the forum :)

 

I sympathise, as I was in a similar situation for a year with my daughter. It's hard to make a young teen to do things they don't want to do. Does the clinical psych have any ideas on how to get her to accept the involvement of other professionals? You don't say what led to her being out of school, but could depression over the current situation, and anxiety about the future be the cause of her reluctance to do anything? If school was a bad experience, she may be avoiding anything that reminds her of it - like schoolwork?

 

It's very hard I know, but I do think maintaining a firm home routine, with set getting-up times, meal times and bed-times is vital when you have a child out of school. I think it also helps when it comes to attending appointments as well...again, we are the adults and in charge.

 

I think this advice is good and worth trying to follow, but I have to say I was unable to keep up strict routines myself - just getting through the day was hard enough for us. So I went the opposite way eventually- completely relaxed and we just did occasional things that she enjoyed, like baking, drawing and going for walks.

 

Not sure if that helps any, but you'll find others on the forum who can empathise with your situation. What's happening with her schooling in the long term?

 

K x

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hi me again thanks it was nice to hear i am not the only one!! all started when someone from secondary school visited primary school and said'they are all bullies ,drug addicts and smoke' that was it said she was locking herself in her room and never going to school,obviously other things have happened as weel ,but clinical phys,has said she thinks so black and white that that is where first thoughts of aspergers came in,we have tried structoring the day but she will have none of it!! her sleep pattern is way off sometimes she will sleep by about 2am in which case could be awake by 8am,but like this morning she didnt go to sleep til 6am!! disturbs me fequently during night telling me about her favourite books etc.at moment she is reading twilight books has only had them 7 weeks ( 4 rather large paperbacks for anyone not into it) and she is on the 4th one for the 3 time,saying when she finishes she will start on the first again!all she talks about is that.so getting her to do anything else is a nightmare.as she refuses to see home education teacher( has said will run away if comes round,and she would) so they are sending some work out but just cannot get her to understand she must do it cos just wants to do her thing,very frustrating,wouldnt be so bad but she is clever and had great grades at school.biggest problem is she doesnt want to see anyone not even wants to but cant not bothered at all,feels she doesnt need anyone and has said why cant we just leave her alone to herself and then she would be happy.sorry to go on !but just dont see how am going to get her to change into seeing anybody and she cant live her life like that!hopefully school will sort out when she can have her 3 sessions again( went back this week but they havent sorted their timetable yet) and will be able to get back to earlier mornings to get up but she resists so much any sort of change,help,just nice to hear from others going through similar things,thanks fot reading my rantings. :robbie:

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Sorry to hear things are so tough >:D<<'>

 

I can only suggest the idea of a timetable to structure her day, starting with when you want her to get up, meal times, activities, free time and bed-time. She needs a copy in her room, and then one in the kitchen, for example.

 

I tried to include simple activities for my son (he had a severe breakdown so had serious mental health problems), at first getting out of the house just once a week. Swimming was very good, but also just coming for a mooch round the garden centre, etc. Try and give her daily chores, just drying up or laying the table. I found it was very, very important to give a purposeful structure to the day.

 

I think you have to be quite tough, although sensitive to their difficulties. Just because they say they won't do something doesn't mean you have to accept this. If they can just do exactly what they want and withdraw completely, it will be all the harder when they do re-enter some form of education, whether home tutors or a new school.

 

My son went to a residential special school for AS after being at home for 6 months, and I also work in a (different) residential special school. I think it's important to realise that in an autism-specific environment their time is well-structured, and they have to get up, etc, at set times.

 

I really do know how hard it is, especially when you don't have a clear diagnosis, but I do think that maintaining/introducing a clear home routine is very important.

 

Best of luck.

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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:thumbs: hi thanks for reply will have to try and do some sort of structure although may have to wait til next week when hopefully she can do her school sessions,cos then she knows she has to get up earlier,so hopefully will go to bed earlier :crying: we recently introduced pocket money for chores ,very simple things like washing up,but the most i got out of her is she will bring her plates and cups up from her room,which otherwise build up and up,so she gets £1 a week as long as she does it at least every other day,but wont do any other chores.trouble is she gets up late and before you know it the other 2 kids are home so she then shuts herself away back in her room.but the going out is the biggest problem even if we do make it to school she is adamant that we go straight there and then back,only time she goes out apart from that is in evening when getting dark( we are very rural) cos she knows there is no one about ,in height of summer she was staying up til it got light ,about 2 am so she could wonder about outside then :tearful: i know she wont go far and do anything silly but just the fact shes going out when i'm asleep and dont know is so frustrating,but it makes her so happy to be out,she finds the cats and plays with them,never mind could go on all day and never solve the problems.will try and make changes,please any more miracles gratefully accepted :wallbash:

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Um, maybe tighten up the house rules a wee bit? :unsure:

 

For example, if you don't want her outside during the night, then explain why (that it's very unsafe, etc) and lock the doors so she can't get out.

 

I would also introduce a reasonable getting-up time. As for bed-time, obviously you can't make her sleep, but I would have a time that she has to be ready for bed and in her room/bed then a time for lights out. Have you tried CDs of relaxing music/ambient sounds (often get them in garden centres for some reason!), lavendar incense, etc...things to help her unwind.

 

You will probably have tantrums at first...but it's just like when they are toddlers, you don't give in :lol: Keep plodding away with a 'this is how it is going to be' approach.

 

Hang in there!

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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:thumbs: hi thanks for reply will have to try and do some sort of structure although may have to wait til next week when hopefully she can do her school sessions,cos then she knows she has to get up earlier,so hopefully will go to bed earlier :crying: we recently introduced pocket money for chores ,very simple things like washing up,but the most i got out of her is she will bring her plates and cups up from her room,which otherwise build up and up,so she gets £1 a week as long as she does it at least every other day,but wont do any other chores.trouble is she gets up late and before you know it the other 2 kids are home so she then shuts herself away back in her room.but the going out is the biggest problem even if we do make it to school she is adamant that we go straight there and then back,only time she goes out apart from that is in evening when getting dark( we are very rural) cos she knows there is no one about ,in height of summer she was staying up til it got light ,about 2 am so she could wonder about outside then :tearful: i know she wont go far and do anything silly but just the fact shes going out when i'm asleep and dont know is so frustrating,but it makes her so happy to be out,she finds the cats and plays with them,never mind could go on all day and never solve the problems.will try and make changes,please any more miracles gratefully accepted :wallbash:

 

Can she tell you what she is avoiding by staying in. Is it the unexpected social interaction that might occur if she bumps into someone who knows her? Would something like wearing sunglasses and a cap or hoodie help? Also sometimes listening to music via an ipod can help. She obviously likes to go out if she does it at night or early morning. Is the sunlight a problem for her? Would she be better is you drove somewhere else not local where you could both walk or have a picnic. My son can get more anxious about re-visitng local places (because of expectations or possible changes - ie. if he goes to the park and meets a boy with a bionicle he thinks if we go again he will meet the same or another boy with a bionicle and can get very upset when it doesn't happen). However, if we go to a totally new place he has no expectations and things can relatively well.

She might be avoiding meeting anyone new because of anxiety around social interaction. Does she find it hard to communicate? My son finds verbal communication hard. It demands alot of his concentration and he frequently doesn't understand what is being asked of him. He frequently tells people to stop talking and to shut up. He also finds it difficult to retrieve the words he wants to use from memory to form a sentence whilst trying to maintain eye contact or listen to what the other person is saying. Rather than a formal across the table interview type of technique a more open interaction which allows much more time for processing information and waiting for responses might be required. Does she have any interests or hobbies that she could take along with her to help both her and the other professional to interact?

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she is avoiding all social contact she just doesnt want any.so getting her out is near impossible because she just wont go,and very difficult to force a 13 year old ,have tried the tacttics of 'if you come out we can' but not interested,just doesnt want to see anuone or speak to anyone,she has no problems with actual communication she is quite bright and her speech and language are great,have even tried if we are going to school saying right just going to go....,but gets stressed and wants home.cant deal with school bell so have to get out between bells and have to stay in school waiting for her as i am her escape.she has admitted that when at school she puts on an act so the teacher doesnt realise how stressed she is but i then pay for it later :tearful: will try new home structures next week,but still dont know how to deal with convincing her to go anywhere even a walk up the road is a struggle,and if she is in garden and a car drives past she ducks and hides behind a wall,also have to be very careful with putting new structures in place not to upset too much as when we tried previously she self harmed so like walking on egg shells permantly,will see what happens next week on return to school to see if sleep pattern improves.as for hobbies at moment it is reading twilight books and every time you talk to her she turns the conversation on to that :wallbash: or sometimes its plane crashes,ghosts she could tell you lots on all these subjects but as i have tried telling her her exams wont be about them!!

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Hi.I was just wondering.

I know that CAMHS staff do school visits in my area.I wonder if it might be possible to arrange for someone to see your daughter at the place where she goes for lessons,at the place where she sees the clinical psychologist or even to do a home visit.This may not be an option if it could just unsettle your daughter more.However if the issue is in going to see a stranger in a strange place it might be helpful.CAMHS may not agree but it might be worth asking.

If one professional was able to get to know your daughter and to build up a relationship then she might agree to attend an appointment elsewhere.

The other thing is please do try to take care of yourself.My elder son is fine now however he was out of school for most of his last term in primary school due to anxiety.It is very stressful and emotionally wearing caring for a teenager who is feeling down and anxious. >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Karen.

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>:D<<'> thanks for advise ,new to all this and show my ignorance but what is CAMHS?she has built a sort of relationship with the clinical phycologist but even when she had a trainee my daughter didnt want her in on the meeting,and she's not keen on them coming to the home because she feels they are invading her territory :tearful: getting very exasperating,just dont know what to do next doesnt mater which way i turn there is always a stumbling block,with regards to looking after myself i just have to get on with it :thumbs: but yes very tiring even though she is not demanding ,just the situation. >:D<<'>

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>:D<<'> thanks for advise ,new to all this and show my ignorance but what is CAMHS?she has built a sort of relationship with the clinical phycologist but even when she had a trainee my daughter didnt want her in on the meeting,and she's not keen on them coming to the home because she feels they are invading her territory :tearful: getting very exasperating,just dont know what to do next doesnt mater which way i turn there is always a stumbling block,with regards to looking after myself i just have to get on with it :thumbs: but yes very tiring even though she is not demanding ,just the situation. >:D<<'>

 

CAMHS is child and adolescent mental health service.The long term for mental health [psychiatric] service for children,teenagers and their parents.There should be a service in your area if you live in Britain.The psychologist may be attached to CAMHS however some are employed within the NHS in other departments or work within education.

I know it is confusing. :)

 

As regards just having to get on with it I speak from personal experience.It is still worth looking after yourself in any way you can.I have on two occasions in the last few years nearly ended up having a breakdown and it did not help OH at all.My elder son was not demanding either [it is my younger son Ben that has AS] however I still found it exhausting and isolating spending lots of time at home without adult company with a son that was fed up. >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Karen.

 

 

 

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Hi - I'm knew to the forum, but I know how you feel (or I think I do). Even though my daughter didn't take time off at school, she was a nightmare. Walking on egg shells was exactly how I felt. Back then I was not aware of aspergers and just thought she was amazingly difficult! but now she is 20 and she has recently dropped out of uni and all these aspie issues have really risen to the surface. We are taking her to a private psychologist on Monday who has experience with aspergers. We don't know if she is an aspie, but just want to help her move on. Your story really touches me and I can only say just hang in there.

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thanks for advice and so nice to hear i am not alone it is very tough sometimes :thumbs: re the CAMHS up here we have what is know as DCFP,dept of child and family phychiatry,which is part of the child and adolescent mental health services,i assume these are one and the same just a different name,if so we have an appointment at the end of september to see them ,the paedreatritian( know its spelt wrong apologies) said they would be able to rule out anxiety,phobias and depression,before we get an assesment for aspergers,however the big problem is will she go?? :wallbash: i have spoken to them and they have said if she doesnt i can go by myself but not quite the same :tearful: so will just have to try and persuade her although seems in denial and wont discuss any of it :wallbash: i must admit there are times when i think has she got a problem or is she just being akward ,silly thing is only really started noticing problems a few years ago previous to that we just accepted her as she was,ie drawing on wall ,emptying shampoo in empty bath it was just 'we know whos done that' cos her siblings wouldnt even dream of doing these things,but when we looked back a long way when her brother was born she was 15 months and couldnt deal with him crying would hide in corner and put hands over ears ,but not the sort of thing youd rush her to the doctors for?which makes me feel bad that weve got to this age without us really noticong,sorry going on agian,will sign off ,many thanks for all replies. >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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Hi, it sounds like you are having a very hard time! Please dont beat yourself up for not realising she had a problem before. I have 3 children and the youngest was diagnosed first then my middle daughter now my eldest son is due for diagnosis next month....! Before learning what Asd is you have no idea what to look, your right you would never run to the doctor with these issues that you feel are just your childs ways, many times we have had baths full of shampoo, quite funny when i think about it now. We hide them all now! My daughter who is 10 had problems at her assessment and refused to speak but it was ok, as my husband and i did all the taking, camhs meet people of all kinds of ability, some will never talk and even refuse to go, my daughter came on the basis that we did not make her speak that was fair enough. Camhs also had other things that they wanted her to do without talking but she would not cooperate with that either, having said all this she still got a diagnosis purely on what my husband and i said! Maybe tell her about my daughter she may relate to her, my daughter felt bad about certain issues she has and now feels alot better about herself, she still has low self esteeme, lacks confidence, hates herself, hates any interaction with most people, but understands why now and this helps alot. Anyway i really hope something eases for you soon x

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hi thanks for reply,feel even worse when find that others are going through even more :notworthy: how old are your children and what ages were they diagnosed? just feel as though hitting brick wall all the time cos if she refuses to go what happens next? school not over helpful they went back last week i phoned at end of week as they hadnt bothered to be told they havent finished working out timetable( she only has 3 x45 mins a week,thats when she will go) so there was me thinking of getting back into some sort of routine,mentioned it to her last night that she may be going back next week and so needs to sort out sleep as she awake til between 3-5am ,told me she will sort herself and now to day hasnt gone to sleep til 7am :wallbash: so will sleep all day,problem is all she is interested in is twilight books !!! now on 1st book for 4 th time ,shes only had them 7 weeks!!! and they are set of 4 ,she is also upset ,she has 1 freidn who she sees perhaps once a month,but is going through 'i want to change my name by deed poll'phase ,has emailed her friend and told her new name but her friend has replied i know you as ... and thats what i am going to call you,so friendship begining to go pear shaped.in some ways i feel i just need a diagnosis to keep my sanity cos at least then i know what i am dealing with,also will be a relief to be able to explain to her siblings that she cant help it and maybe they will understand,sorry you having tough time too >:D<<'>

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Hi, my eldest son is 12 and my daughter 10 and my youngest is almost 7. It is hard, very hard! At times i feel depressed, i have always been a very easy going person and never let anything bother me but now that has all changed, i am struggling with anxiety and get chest pains and left arm pain. I have been to hospital and everything is fine but am suffering from stress. My daughter also had sleep problems and every few months it returns and she can't sleep she is normally very worried about something and sometimes even depressed. I have had to be quite tough on her though sometimes, as she will come in my room at night and wake me up. So i tell her not to do that, she does not like it, but sometimes you have to be firm. :tearful:

 

I think your daughter has got herself into a pattern of sleep and you may need to help her change it, try letting her sleep less in the day and she will naturally get tired later and need to sleep more at night, but this will take a few weeks to master, slowly is better as then it will probably have a lasting effect. What i do when i have a certain issue like sleeping for instance is read up about it and get ideas from internet or books, it helps alot especially if they are asd related. Waiting for a diagnosis is horrible :wallbash: My eldest is still waiting, not knowing for sure is awful, but the way i see it is even if he is not on the spectrum, he still has the problems he faces ever day and with or without a diagnosis he still needs my support and the support of teachers etc

 

Choose what issue bothers you most and try to think of ways to sort that one before dealing with others, i would talk to you daughters friend though and explain she is having a hard time at the moment as you don't want her to lose her friend. >:D<<'> >:D< >:D<<'> >:D< >:D<<'>

xx

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Sorry just read again, my youngest was diagnosed at 5, my daugther was diagnosed earlier this year so she was almost 10 at the time xx

 

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hi thanks for reply,it sounds as though things are really tough for you,must admit i try and keep things going cos the other problem is she wont have anything to do with her dad,he was very ill about 3 years ago and all she can remember is dad ignored her when he was in hospital! he had just has major surgery it wasnt personal but she thinks it is so they fight like cat and dog,although it has got to the point where they dont talk anymore,he cant deal with it although i have told him it isnt her fault she cany help it,but doesnt make it any easier for him.

with regard to the sleep pattern we did nearly sort it out a coulpe of weeks ago when she ended being awake from11pm one night then had her friend round and didnt get to sleep til 7pm the folling night so was awake for 20 hours and i thought bingo ,but alas it only lasted a couple of days because she wants to be awake at night so will do anything to make sure she is ,so back to square one,just hoping that if she HAS to get up for school will change her clock but not too optomistic.

have spoken to her friends mum and told her what problem may be ,good thing is her mum works in a school and deals with these things sometimes but the bad news is her friend is nearly a year younger so it is more difficult to get a 12 year old to understand what my daughter is going through,gosh i feel so negative most of the tme ,suppose cos things never seem to work out as planned,never mind will get through it somehow, >:D<<'> >:D<<'> i hope :wallbash:

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