Can routines/strong fears be changed without causing anxiety?

[rag31]

My little boy tends to like things certain ways, for example only drinking out of a certain cup, food kept all separate, always having a train with him etc.

 

Mainly we are laid back and I don't consider these things problems that need to be 'fixed' at all but there are a couple of things which make family life tricky. For example, he doesn't like to go to sleep anywhere other than in my bed in our house. This is not normally a problem but it also means that I try not to go away or on holiday if it can be helped as we end up having a hellish time with virtually no sleep. With 3 other siblings this is tricky, and our family all live far away so it means we rarely visit.

 

Is there any way of overcoming anxiety and helping him to be happy or even just able to tolerate being away from home?

 

There are a couple of other tricky situations too, but I am wondering if anyone has found ways of helping young children cope with things that terrify them? Or is it best to just wait for them to grow out of it? (I am ignoring a friend who insists we are being soft and should force it!!!)

 

Thanks,

Becky

[Tally]

I think these are things that need to be taken slowly. Looking at pictures and then trying out other beds might be a first step toward spending a night away from home. Do you have friends who would invite you round so that he can get into their beds?

[Mum of 3]

Hi Rag 31,

 

I can really relate to your post...I've spent too many nights awake in hotels, trying to calm a screaming child. And then facing the hard stares at breakfast the next morning

 

We used to go 'down south' quite alot to visit DH's family, but always stayed in hotels, so we had lots of this. My advice would be:

 

1. Try travelling late at night, so he falls asleep in the car. Your OH can then get a cot/bed ready in the hotel, or forewarn your friends/family to get the bed ready so he can just be quietly transferred into it when you arrive, and hopefully stay asleep (this went really well for us one time until the B*%$£&&**** hotel receptionist decided to wake him up with the loudest booming voice ever! After that, DH went in in advance of me, with explicit instructions to keep quiet and, preferably, dim the lights!). Remember to try to warm the bed before you put him in it ( or lay him in wrapped in a blanket that's been round him for a while). The shock of a cold bed can wake up sleeping children.

 

2. It sounds obvious, but it really helps to have familiar things around. We go further than a teddy and take all the bedding-including quilt and pillow. Also, I take the bed linen 'dirty' (i.e. straight off the bed, rather than changing it for clean stuff), so it smells of home.

 

3. Try all you can to ensure your LO is calm, cozy and snuggled if trying to settle him in a strange bed. You may have to be prepared to lie in bed with him for the first couple of nights as he falls asleep, then transfer him to his own bed once he's dropped off. a warm hot-water-bottle also helps with encouraging 'sleepy' feelings.

 

4. Remember that children often pick up on (and live up to!) our anxieties and doubts, so if you're worried about this, he coud become worried also. If you go away expecting trouble, you'll probably get it, but if you put lots of strategies in place, and go with the idea that you'll go with the flow, and spend time comforting him at night if needs be, then you could find it works out ok.

 

Finally, the only way to get him over any anxieties about sleeping away from home is to do it! Start off small, just one night, and build up. The more you do it, and support him in it, the better it will be!

 

 

 

[baddad]

I agree with 'softly softly' and all the suggestions above, but would also add that *some* anxiety is likely to be impossible to avoid. I also think that gently 'pushing' the comfort zone wherever possible should be a priority. Something like only using a specific cup isn't something that seems to need fixing, but if that cup gets broken and you can't find an identical one to replace it it could become a massive one, so overcoming that dependence before a problem can occur is one less thing to worry about later.

 

Routines are reassuring, but try to create 'Islands' of safety throughout the day rather than making the whole day 'safe'. It really will pay dividends in the long run, because the more fears they overcome the more successes they have to refer back to. That's important for every kid, but particularly for kids where rote learning applies.

 

Depending on the nature of the problem, your friends advice may not be too wide of the mark, but while he's that young and it's relatively minor stuff try to do it 'softly softly', but bear in mind reception and school is coming up fast so the more you can resolve before then the better.

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited September 8, 2009 by baddad

[JsMum]

Is your bedroom big enough for a small childs single bed, getting him use to sleep in his own bed will be the first obsticle but without withrawing his whole enviorment, throw the research we have read, it is essential a child is a awake were they eventually sleep, so ideally if you want them asleep in his bed, this is where he should start, if not if he say falls asleep in a car seat, sofa, mums bed, then you carry him to his bed, then he wakes they get confused and disorientated.

 

Also the bigger they get, the harder it is to carry a sleeping child to monourve them to their real sleeping pods.

 

Provide a space in your room that becomes his space, a quater, with maybe some posters, or something to reflect its his space, when he has become comfortable, and feels safe, then sleeping without will become more comfortable for him.

 

Withdrawal from your warm body, and cozzy bed is going to be a tuff one, I know Ive been there, someone here suggested that we sleep in the same room but seperate beds to gradualy ween him off me.

 

It may not work for you, but it has worked for my son, who have to say is now 12yrs old and really not at an age Id feel comfortable if he slept in my bed regularly, it also makes it really exhausting sleeping with a child and then having to care for them all day, you dont get a break, it is amazing how different when you get to sleep in a bed without elbows and knees digging you, so the rewards are massive.

 

For bed time there is a spersific breakdown of his routine and its relaxed and calm, he has melatonin which has helped a lot, and we use a sensory aproach to helping him feel relaxed, J now gets into his bed awake and graduaully falls to sleep, we have his room at a tempreture that helps the body fall into a natural sleep, and his lights are low and dim, we play relaxing meditation cd s as these tend to help him visualise a place.

 

As for the food, it could be sensory, texture, taste, smell, presentation, how we got J to mix his food was two things he really liked and placed them together, we did do a very intesive food programme as he had two years of therapy as he is considerably underweight, he has made loads of progress and will eat things together now, but again this was slowly paced and gradual.

 

Maybe look at relaxation and ways to manage stress for young children, yoga would be a really good tool, it really helps them manage stress and anxiety.

 

Good Luck

 

JsMumxxx

 

 

 

 

[chris54]

We always do a lot of talking about anything that is going to be a change in routine, some times for weeks ahead. Explore every possible out come of the change.

As for routines, try to have more than one for each situation.

 

The favorite cup was mentioned, We had it down to type of cup.

 

And stay calm yourself, dint get stressed or this will transfer to your child.

 

But then there comes a time when its a case of "Well this is all there is so it like it or lump it". Something we all have to learn one day.

[rag31]

Thanks for all your ideas guys :-)

 

I think that slowly slowly will work for us all as a family. I like the idea of 'his' space in my room. He has his space in his siblings room which he enjoys in the evening before going into my bed when he's tired. I may place another bed next to mine and then gradually move it away...

 

I also like the idea of getting photos of places we might be staying to prepare him for it, I think this could work :-) And like the idea of taking bedding - I have only taken our pillows before. I always take a fan as we have a fan on in the room to zone out outside noises and that really helps.

 

I have found with the cup thing that he will voluntarily switch allegiance to a new cup if we take him shopping to choose it, so it's not a big issue at the moment.

 

Thanks for all the ideas!

 

Becky

[Mum of 3]

Just another thought on the bed thing....We often have little ones populating our bed & have to carry them up to their's when they're asleep. I think if it helps them to get to sleep, it's ok (so long as it's only one at once!! ).

For our little one, who was really scared to be alone, we got an old cot mattress and made him a little bed on the floor for him (his 'nest').

We told him if he woke in the night, he was not to wake us up, but could climb into his 'nest'. Well, he did wake me up (to tell me he was getting into his nest!), but then he'd crawl into his nest and go to sleep, and we could all get back to sleep. Bliss!!! Also, because he was 'safe', he slept in in the mornings, as well, whereas before, he'd been getting up at 5am every morning as a matter of course!

In the morning, we could put his 'nest' away under the chest of drawers, and my bedroom didn't look like a dormatory!

 

[loulou]

Hi,

 

From my experience, using pictures has worked for us. My son is 11 now, so it's a bit easier to explain any upcoming changes to him, although he still gets upset. I have tried the "like it or lump it" approach quite a few times, but it's been too distressing for him (and me!).

 

Each child is different, so go at a pace that seems right for you and your family.

 

When we go away, we still take Kai's bedding. He has also been listening to story tapes at bedtime since he was 2 and we still take his tapes with us.

 

All the best,

 

Loulou x