Social Services and Teenagers arghhhhh

[minerva]

As with most people on here I struggled with the LEA and health for a lot of years to get a diagnosis for my son (now 15)

 

Over those years the NHS Psych's did their usual nonsense of blaming the parents for the childs behaviour (regardless of anything else he's ever been through!)

 

After fighting for 6 years, getting 4 seperate private diagnosis all backing each other and he's been in a special school for children with Aspergers successfully for more than 2 years which is longer than hes ever stayed in any school his whole life....You would think that people would start to realise that it wasnt me after all? ...... NO!!

 

He started being violent at home 2 weeks before his 14th birthday and things have gone downhill from there......We went though a lot over the last few months of last year & first few months of this one as we were made homeless by racist neighbors.

 

His behaviour has just gone further and further downhill. I asked social services for some help as I was finding him impossible to cope with when he "lost it"

 

Now....once again!!! All the old reports have come back to bite me in the butt!!!! And apparently its all my fault he behaves the way he does!!!

 

 

I'm going to scream!!!!

 

Has anyone else had this sort of thing and what can be done about it?

Edited September 14, 2009 by minerva

[justine1]

Oh my where do I start...My son is much younger than yours but I can totally relate.I separated fro my husband last year and after a month my son (non As ) told someone at school that his dad smacked him,we then had police and social services all over us and I was told I would lose my kids even though I was no longer living with my husband and I had done nothing wrong,we were put under a microscope for 5 months it was a nightmare!I also suffered racist attacks last year and ended up moving,so we moved four times in a year.The schools are so quick to say your son is bad etc. not giving thought to all the upset they have been through even myself as an adult feel so stresses by everyuthing that has happened.I am studying health and social care degree at the moment and I do think there is a big problem with social services focusing on young kids and forgetting about teenages and elderly people.I dont really know what to suggest other than just nagging your GP for help.Prehaps he needs medication to help with his out burst.I do hope it works out it is so hard when it feels the whole world is not listening or doesnt care!

[JsMum]

 

 

 

When did he last have an assessment, as a child who is Disabled he is under Child in Need, this addresses any areas that need support, if your facing extream and dangerous situation then you need support, his loosing it could be down to impaired communication or expressive difficulties, he still requires spersific support, if a magic wand could be wavered and the social services said Miss M what can we do to help what would you like.

 

Write them down and write a letter to the head of social services requesting a reassessment of his needs especially as he has been in a specialist school and there is a change of curcumstances.

 

You could also request a carers assessment to look at further support for yourself too.

 

If after you have formally put in requests for spersific support and they have been refused or not carried out you have a right to put in a written complaint though it is always best to try and resolve things informally first.

 

Start again with social services, its a fresh start, like youve said you have moved house and its a new beginning, document every step with those you speak to and write too.

 

Contact a family have a helpline also who are supporting me too, and I think they are brilliant, they have booklets and information on your sons and your rights.

 

 

Is there any Anger management tools he could use for the frustration he is no daught feeling, we have a free standing punchbag which really helps us, in the mean time good luck.

 

JsMumxxx

 

 

 

 

[minerva]

The problem isnt that they wont help, its that they have decided that the way to help is to get ME counselling for MY childhood, and to get ME help with parenting classes and to criticise me constantly for "not accepting that I have an input on the way he behaves" whereas it isnt that I feel that I dont impact on him at all, its that I dont beleive for one minute that I have caused ALL his behaviour difficulties!!

 

They seem to think they can write anything they want in their core assessments as long as they write "my feeling is" or "it is possible that" in the beginning of the sentence!!!

[JsMum]

The problem isnt that they wont help, its that they have decided that the way to help is to get ME counselling for MY childhood, and to get ME help with parenting classes and to criticise me constantly for "not accepting that I have an input on the way he behaves" whereas it isnt that I feel that I dont impact on him at all, its that I dont beleive for one minute that I have caused ALL his behaviour difficulties!!

 

They seem to think they can write anything they want in their core assessments as long as they write "my feeling is" or "it is possible that" in the beginning of the sentence!!!

 

 

If you feel that the recommendations are not still addressing your sons needs you need to write to the social serives department and express this, it does sound like they want to address your needs, if its any conselation, I took the offer of parenting courses as this validated my parenting skills and just proved that the parenting courses where not suitable for a child with complex disability.

 

I was grateful for the courses though as I gained a lot of support from the 1-1 practioner and she was able to provide a detailed report that the course had to be significantly modified to help meet my sons needs and there has been a request for a special needs parenting course, I have successfully achieved several parenting courses and I have enjoyed them, well most of them.

 

As for the counselling, well Im still on the waiting list, so I personally would take it with open hands, I would see what type of counselling it is, if its for trauma then its going to have to be specialised and not a quick 8 week Counselling fix, also they need to ensure that your sons needs and support are paramount because if you do go into counselling then its possible this could open a can of worms for yourself, and you will need even more support with your son.

 

JsMumxxx

 

[Kazzen161]

Round here they always offfer parenting courses first -it is a cheap option. When you have done it and nothing changes (as the strategies don't work with your child), then they might start to listen more.

[Cat]

The problem isnt that they wont help, its that they have decided that the way to help is to get ME counselling for MY childhood, and to get ME help with parenting classes and to criticise me constantly for "not accepting that I have an input on the way he behaves" whereas it isnt that I feel that I dont impact on him at all, its that I dont beleive for one minute that I have caused ALL his behaviour difficulties!!

 

They seem to think they can write anything they want in their core assessments as long as they write "my feeling is" or "it is possible that" in the beginning of the sentence!!!

 

SS not being suitably trained to help parents or adults with ASC is a big issue at the moment. It is something that has come to the fore again during the National Autism Strategy. The NAS are 100% aware that many SS professionals do not have any recognised training. It might be a good idea if you contact the NAS help-line and ask them for some advice on how to handle this situation. Do you have any idea if the people who you are dealing with have any autism specific training?

 

Cat

[minerva]

I have no idea what training they have but I know that it is SS from the Child health and disability (CHAD) team so you would hope that they had some training!

 

[Cat]

I have no idea what training they have but I know that it is SS from the Child health and disability (CHAD) team so you would hope that they had some training!

 

I would hope that they would have had enough training but you can not be sure that they have had any. I know that in my own area if I needed to access SS my son who has a diagnosis of HFA would not come under the remit of the Children with Disabilities Team who have had training but would come under a team who have not I would want to know how much training the person who is working with you has had. We would not let a plumber re-wire our house would we Have the parenting classes been designed or adapted for parents who have children with autism?

 

Cat

[minerva]

Well the first ones I was offered werent.....

 

I refused to attend those & told them that if they find me one thats specific for children like mine then I would gladly attend.

 

They have found one locally but it seems to be for younger children so they are still trying to find one.

 

This is an example of how they are twisting things though. In their core assessment it states that I refused to attend a parenting class etc etc but nowhere did it state why & that I wanted one specific to him.

 

Its like their whole purpose is to make me look bad!

[Cat]

Well the first ones I was offered werent.....

 

I refused to attend those & told them that if they find me one thats specific for children like mine then I would gladly attend.

 

They have found one locally but it seems to be for younger children so they are still trying to find one.

 

This is an example of how they are twisting things though. In their core assessment it states that I refused to attend a parenting class etc etc but nowhere did it state why & that I wanted one specific to him.

 

Its like their whole purpose is to make me look bad!

 

I would not take what was written as a personal attack even if you declined a service and did not refuse it - however I would want what had been written about me ammended. Sadly this is the way that some SS departments work. Even if you decline a services that have been offered to you because they are unsuitable it is written down as a service refusal. This is why some parents accept anything that is offered even though they know that it was not designed for them and will not meet their needs. If they say yes to everything as has already been said it means that you should get nearer to being offered something that will help you - should do but then again you can not be certain.

 

Cat

Edited September 14, 2009 by Cat

[minerva]

I find it really hard not to take it as a personal attack since there is a vast majority of negative comments in the report and pretty much no positive ones. Basing their arguement fully on my parental history, its just not possible in their world for you to have had it difficult and still be a good parent!

 

The Aspergers doesnt cause his behaviours, I do!

 

I'm absolutely sure that there is probably times where I could deal with SOME of his behaviours in a better way, but that doesnt mean I cause them!

 

It feels like being back at square one with these people!

 

Makes you wonder why you go to all that trouble to get a diagnosis in the first place if theres nothing wrong with him but me even after all that

[Cat]

 

Makes you wonder why you go to all that trouble to get a diagnosis in the first place if theres nothing wrong with him but me even after all that

 

It sure does <'>

 

Cat

[minerva]

Thanks <'>

[Enid]

Hi, my son started becoming violent, just after he was 12, if you are interested you can read my posts on here, I too had a core assessment, which had many things I didnt agree with, they were changed, but not on the form as I was told they had "no option" for that!!!! but added as an admendment. Life was very difficult for a long time, about a year, it seemed like for ever at the time, medication and this forum saved me! medication for my son that is, not me, red wine helped though , Sometimes you have to go along with things, I was scared just how powerful SS were, I had 2 much younger children, and was very worried that they would insist it was DS or the younger two, as he was very violent, instead they did nothing, there were times when I was so scared of him, when I begged them to take him, so I wouldnt worry too much, things have settled down for us now, so there is hope! just hang on in there and do whatever it takes to get you through the day. A really good book I can recommend is "the explosive child" by Ross W Greene. Keep strong. Enid

[minerva]

Thanks Enid, It always helps to know you arent on your own! Although we are well past a year and approaching the 2 year mark & i'm exhausted :-(

 

I have the same problem with having a younger child, they are currently assessing him for child protection risks because of my eldest son & I hate it!

 

In their core assessment they have basically given us 6 months to turn things around or they are going to "look for alternative care arrangements" which is infuriating me! I mean, how on earth can anyone guarantee change within 6 months and how is it going to help him to put him with someone else? Surely it will just make him more unhappy!??

 

Not to mention that they will then be the ones "at risk" instead of me. They will merely be moving the problem and not curing it!

 

I'm going to try and find that book definately!!

[JsMum]

Thanks Enid, It always helps to know you arent on your own! Although we are well past a year and approaching the 2 year mark & i'm exhausted :-(

 

I have the same problem with having a younger child, they are currently assessing him for child protection risks because of my eldest son & I hate it!

 

In their core assessment they have basically given us 6 months to turn things around or they are going to "look for alternative care arrangements" which is infuriating me! I mean, how on earth can anyone guarantee change within 6 months and how is it going to help him to put him with someone else? Surely it will just make him more unhappy!??

 

Not to mention that they will then be the ones "at risk" instead of me. They will merely be moving the problem and not curing it!

 

I'm going to try and find that book definately!!

 

 

The look for alternative care arrangements may include respite, or another provision, it doesnt nessasarily mean they will place him in care, the child protection looks at all areas of protection and that includes the impact of other family members including those with a disability, they have to tick criteria boxes before they will agree to certain provisions.

 

Often criterias have to be extream and show potential harm to self/others before they will agree to certain provisions, I agree it is written with a view it could be taken out of context and make it look like there is child protection because of what parents are doing wrong, rather than treat it as though its a child with a disability and needs support.

 

It maybe now that they have his reports and school input they could look at providing you with support both at school and at home, maybe with respite and other support in place.

 

It is a challange to get throw the system to get support, in our area it is exceptionally hard to get the childrens disability team to provide a service to children with similair needs to your son, but bottom line is he has a disability and no matter the reason to not meeting a certain critieria he still should have his needs met.

 

There is a very big gap in the system which is why some children are sitting on child protection lists and not other special needs lists, it is not right but it is the way the system is working at the moment.

 

Look throw your childrens services criteria list and you will see that for families to recieve support the criteria is high risk and that is why the reports are suggestive and misleading.

 

JsMumxxx

 

 

[minerva]

J's Mum, I know they have to be at high risk, but it doesnt have to be from parents. He is a risk to himself and others. That should be criteria enough without inventing problems!

 

Enid, I bought the book!! Gonna get started reading that tomorrow!!

[Enid]

Well done that woman!!!!

I re read it last tuesday, after a bad few days, he has had his meds, resperidone, put back up, but after reading the book I am back on track, for now. good to know you are not alone. happy reading. x

[minerva]

We've had the worst day ever today! He didnt want to go to school this morning but I sent him anyway as he had all of last week off because he "didnt feel up to it" and I didnt want him to make a habit of it.

 

We were supposed to be going to the circus at 5pm this evening but he decided to kick off at school and say he didnt want to come home to "pay me back" for making him go to school this morning.

 

When he was brought home he decided to kick off big time, smashed up the house, tried to cut himself but I took the scissors from him so he threatened me instead, then tried to run away & by then the police came.

 

We've been to see the GP now & she doesnt think he needs any meds, she thinks he needs to learn to speak to someone (and she needed how many years at uni for that? lol)

 

Anyway, he has calmed down but its only a matter of time before he does it again!

 

Anyone got any spare patience? Or a very big husband I can borrow?

[Enid]

If you read any of my back posts, it could be me posting, 18 months ago. my son is on resperidone, and without it is just like yours, the dose was coming down slowly over the last year, but when we got to 1.5 mg it started heppening again, and I havee put it back up to 3 mg, but this week will bring down to 2.5 and see how it goes, it is impossible to cope alone, I felt like hiring a bodyguard! so feel for you, hope things improve soon. Enid

[minerva]

I do think they would save themselves a fortune if they did just provide us with a bodyguard! It makes more sense! lol

 

Just had the most tiring few days! What with his outburst on Sunday and last night then this morning we had a meeting with the CHAD team which went on till almost 2pm. Now its almost time to go start collecting them again!

 

I need a holiday lol

[wishingwell]

I do think they would save themselves a fortune if they did just provide us with a bodyguard! It makes more sense! lol

 

Just had the most tiring few days! What with his outburst on Sunday and last night then this morning we had a meeting with the CHAD team which went on till almost 2pm. Now its almost time to go start collecting them again!

 

I need a holiday lol

 

I myself have just come through the worst summer and endured some unforgivable behavior, thankfully it has settled. Would it be possible to get some member of the family our someone in your area whom he will not challenge. To clearly explain the rules of your house and how he will be expected to behave around his family. And that his actions are now going to be dealt with. People say they cannot control these outbursts, but it has been proven that they do understand rules and boundaries. I wonder how many dads would tolerate this behavior.

[minerva]

Wishingwell he can and will challenge any and everybody when "on one"

 

It takes 7 men at school to restrain him when he loses it there. So I dont think thats going to work.

 

I also dont think having his Dad here would change anything except the fact that it would be a shared responsibility therefore my youngest wouldnt have to sacrifice things when it got tough. Also it would give me someone to hide behind when things did blow up, it certainly wouldnt prevent it.

[Enid]

Mine also challanges anyone when "on one" the first time I phoned the police, in despair, they were shocked, he was 12 and little and yet they couldnt control him, had to cuff his arms and legs in the end, it was the most awful sight, I will never forget it, they wont come anymore unless there is 3 of them!!! Luckily, I havnt needed them for a year, but came pretty close last week. How you going on with the book? Enid

[smiley1590]

I struggled with anger,agression and violence at around 16 years old does he have underline MH probs such as depression mood disorder etc as that been looked into as anger can display maybe mixture of that hormones of becoming a teenager which can be such a confusing frustrating time of trying to work out of what's going on and feeling 'in control' it can spiral quickly i can totally understand i have personally experienced this first hand my parents had to physically restrain me on the floor ring the police it's got that bad in the past i been on meds anti-pyschotics (risperdal) didn't do much for me i personally believe mine was connected to family past issues that been affected by and also trying to cope deal with AS MH prob depression so much to try and get to grips with within your life so muc in background!!!

 

CAMHS havn't done anything really me and my family have done hard work and effort i discharging myself on monday from my pyschtrist they made me feel worse and nothing really improved from them being there i don't feel supported at all that angers me alot!!! they don't get AS the only got thing i got out of it was my official diagnosis i'd keep a mood /incident diary of what happens and how he behaving acting is it aimed at one person? mine was mainly at my mum??? it was like a different person coming out of me used to rock on the floor pull my hair slap myself social services don't want to understand what it is like this probably in their eyes not seen as an 'emergency' nowdays which is sad wrong and disgustong your begging for help advice support to be listened to!!! have u got social worker??? have you heard of family link worker? respite care? to give you your family abit of breathing space time

 

what about emailing /ringing the NAS explaining personal emergency situation and they may be able to provide advice support etc ....?

 

these information links may help:

 

http://autism.about.com/od/supportforparen...respitecare.htm

 

http://www.cafamily.org.uk/families/advicesupport/index.html

 

hope this helps you somewhat!

take care

KLX

[minerva]

Hi Smiley,

 

I have no idea if there are any underlying problems as we dont seem to get anyone to listen long enough. As soon as we start talking about whats happeneing they already decide they know whats wrong with him and end up making things worse.

 

To be honest I think I know of at least a few of the things bothering him at the moment, they have a new headmaster at school, he has new pupils that are more disruptive with him this term, he is terrified of failing his GSCE's, he's been told by a RAF careers officer that he will never be a pilot in the RAF because he has an ASD so doesnt see the point in being here at all if he cant do what he wants, he doesnt see the point in working hard at school if he cant get what he wants, we have been in emergency accomodation for 7 months of this year since we were made homeless from our last property due to racial harrassment & threats, he's scared that he wont be able to turn things around & Social Services are going to take him from me......

 

But you try listing these things to "professional" & they dont listen, I personally think the above even without the ordinary teenage feelings etc are plenty to make anyone depressed & angry, they still think its something i'm doing!

 

We dont have respite care but i am honestly afraid to ask for it, just in case they add that to their reasons for taking him away.

 

We had a CHAD meeting yesterday and i plainly explained the last incident and that I anticipated it before he got home from school because of a phone call I had received. I told her the 3 ways it could have been dealt with (in my opinion) and the 3 outcomes that we would have seen, the end result was the same for each and every way. I then asked her directly what she thought I could do that may prevent it.....

 

she said "I really dont know"

 

I'm actually really glad LOL