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Ocean

'Phone phobic?

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Is it common or heard of for people with AS to be rather frightened of using a 'phone? Are there others who experience this and can relate? And are there any ways people have found to make it easier?

 

I am 23 and I am in the process of seeking a diagnosis, having been fobbed off and sent round in circles until I could almost hear the 'Magic Roundabout' theme tune! One of my most intrusive traits is currently my fear of using a phone, be it a landline or a mobile.

 

The anxiety I experience when I do make a phone call, or answer a call, is intense. I often talk to myself for a while afterwards and scurry around doing practical tasks to take my mind off it. Later I will be emotionally tired and sometimes shy and/or grumpy because I can't handle any more that day. I communicate in writing very well and like to use email and text. I am happy enough to meet in person with people if it avoids a phone call.

 

This is what I think makes me so nervous:

 

1. When a phone rings there is a sudden demand to quickly answer. There is no time for psyching yourself up for the interaction. It also provokes similar anxiety when someone unexpectedly knocks at the door. There is no knowing who this person is, either until you pick up the phone, or when your phone displays the caller's name. Still, this is not enough time to get used to the idea of being about to have a conversation with them.

 

2. When a phone rings, it demands social interaction when you are in your home, which is a sanctuary from the outside world, where you can hide away. It feels invasive and disturbs you when you have let your guard down and dared to relax.

 

3. When making a phone call, you cannot be certain who will answer, nor know who it is even when they do answer. Sometimes no one answers. It's hard to know what to expect exactly.

 

4. When making a phone call, you feel you are interrupting. If you were in the room with the person, you would ask politely for their attention, not just demand it. So, text and email seem more polite or just less embarrassingly rude.

 

My fear has got worse over the years. I still make calls every now and then, because this is essential to live. I am currently job-hunting and I will not get a job nor be able to pay my rent if I do not dare to use the phone. I send CV's by post/email and apply online if possible.

 

Some times people say it will get easier with practice, as though you will get used to it and not find it as frightening if you do it a lot. This might be true. But I don't do it enough to find out! Sometimes I let myself miss the call then see who it was and call them back, giving myself a bit longer to think about it. But to be honest, many times I then don't call them back. I am not just being lazy. I pay for a membership to a swimming pool in another town where I no longer live nor visit, because I have not yet psyched myself up to call them to discontinue it. I have made some calls recently, but haven't managed that one yet. People sometimes get frustrated with me. I can understand why. It can make me feel a bit of an idiot.

 

When I meet face-to-face with people I used to be very shy but now I am more confident. But the fear surrounding making phone calls is getting difficult. I should add, there are a few people who I have no fear calling nor recieving a call from. These are my immediate family who I have lived with for 18 years, and my fiance. I am not afraid to call those people. But with anyone else, I am.

 

What do you think? Is this common? Is this part of growing up? What can make it easier? And, maybe most importantly, am I alone with this?

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I do think this is something that some people with ASD experience, though I don't know if it's actually common. I have a lot of trouble using the phone and it takes a long time for me to psych myself up to make a phone call and plan what to say, and then I don't know what to say if the phone call takes an unexpected turn like if I am asked a question I didn't expect to be asked. Like you I find it much easier phoning someone I already know well.

 

I have had conversations where the person has ended up shouting at me, and I can't understand why, even in retorspect once I am calm. I had difficulty cancelling an insurance policy because I kept failing the security questions, I ended up in tears on the phone because I couldn't afford to pay and I thought it would affect my credit rating, it was very embarrassing and they were very patronising about it.

 

For me, I think these types of misunderstandings have led to anxiety - I fear that they will happen EVERY time I make a phone call. If I kept a record though, I think I would find that most of my phone calls actually go alright.

 

I also find answering the phone difficult and find it intrusive when it rings. I can switch off the sound on my phone, and sometimes I do that so I don't even notice it's ringing, and people can leave messages on the answerphone if they want me. If your phone doesn't do this, you can always unplug it from the wall. (I tend not to answer the door at all actually. People just knock louder and I end up getting more and more scared.)

 

I've always assumed that other people were like me and wouldn't answer the phone if they didn't want to talk, but it really throws me when people ask me to try another time because they are just off out or eating their dinner. Sometimes I try to tell them something quickly and they get cross because they don't want to talk . . . so why did they answer? I've never felt like calling someone was like interrupting, because I felt they could choose to ignore the phone if they wanted to. I have always been surprised when they respond as though I was intruding. Completely the opposite to you in that respect!

 

I try to write letters or visit in person where possible. Can you write a letter to cancel your pool membership, for example? I've been trying to book a haircut since June, but it's one of those things that gets put off because there is always something higher in priority. It took me two months to book a Dr's appointment. He wants me to have a blood test. I was so stressed after the appointment that I would like to have gone straight home and phoned up later to book the blood test, but I knew if I didn't book it there and then I would leave it for another two months.

 

I find that planning what to say helps a great deal. You cannot plan for every eventuality, and sometimes the person will say something unexpected, but if at least some of it is planned, there is less scope for things to go wrong. If you can at least get the introduction right, they might lead you through the rest of the call. Do you have someone who might help you with things like this?

 

I don't think this difficulty is part of growing up or a sign of immaturity. I think it is anxiety, which probably stems in part from genuine negative experiences you have had because of your AS. It's something that may get easier as you get older, not because you lack maturity, but because over time you can recover from this anxiety and develop ways to make phone calls.

Edited by Tally

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Thanks Tally. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one, whether or not it's due to AS. I like the idea of thinking about the percentage of phone calls that despite my anxiety have gone really well. That gives me more confidence. This morning I had a GP appointment, asking for referral. He is going to think about it and give me a call tomorrow. Eek! I'll do my best.

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Hello Ocean - My husband (aged 50 yrs) and son (aged 11yrs) are both totally unable to deal with using the phone without major planning.

 

I have found by using a phone intercom system in our house I can get my husband or son to answer probably because they know it is an internal call, and can see which extension is ringing them. They also can be persuaded to use their mobiles (sometimes) as again they know their call is going direct to the person they are ringing.

 

Maybe using an ansaphone to screen your incoming calls might help as you would hear who is calling and be able to decide whether or not to pick up the phone and talk.

 

It seems these days that email and text are accepted almost everywhere, so if you can cope with those then don't panic over the phone thing.

 

Carol

 

 

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I get incredibly anxious about having to make a phone call. If there is any way to communicate then I will explore every other avenue first, some people are only reachable by phone though :unsure: If I do have to phone I end up spending a lot of energy psyching myself up to it or end up putting it off for a long time (then things don't get sorted :wallbash: ). I know quite a few people who have problems with phones. I really don't like mobile phones, well only for text at least, they always make me jump because of the sudden noise out of nowhere.

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I do think this is something that some people with ASD experience, though I don't know if it's actually common. I have a lot of trouble using the phone and it takes a long time for me to psych myself up to make a phone call and plan what to say, and then I don't know what to say if the phone call takes an unexpected turn like if I am asked a question I didn't expect to be asked. Like you I find it much easier phoning someone I already know well.

 

I have had conversations where the person has ended up shouting at me, and I can't understand why, even in retorspect once I am calm. I had difficulty cancelling an insurance policy because I kept failing the security questions, I ended up in tears on the phone because I couldn't afford to pay and I thought it would affect my credit rating, it was very embarrassing and they were very patronising about it.

 

For me, I think these types of misunderstandings have led to anxiety - I fear that they will happen EVERY time I make a phone call. If I kept a record though, I think I would find that most of my phone calls actually go alright.

 

I also find answering the phone difficult and find it intrusive when it rings. I can switch off the sound on my phone, and sometimes I do that so I don't even notice it's ringing, and people can leave messages on the answerphone if they want me. If your phone doesn't do this, you can always unplug it from the wall. (I tend not to answer the door at all actually. People just knock louder and I end up getting more and more scared.)

 

I've always assumed that other people were like me and wouldn't answer the phone if they didn't want to talk, but it really throws me when people ask me to try another time because they are just off out or eating their dinner. Sometimes I try to tell them something quickly and they get cross because they don't want to talk . . . so why did they answer? I've never felt like calling someone was like interrupting, because I felt they could choose to ignore the phone if they wanted to. I have always been surprised when they respond as though I was intruding. Completely the opposite to you in that respect!

 

I try to write letters or visit in person where possible. Can you write a letter to cancel your pool membership, for example? I've been trying to book a haircut since June, but it's one of those things that gets put off because there is always something higher in priority. It took me two months to book a Dr's appointment. He wants me to have a blood test. I was so stressed after the appointment that I would like to have gone straight home and phoned up later to book the blood test, but I knew if I didn't book it there and then I would leave it for another two months.

 

I find that planning what to say helps a great deal. You cannot plan for every eventuality, and sometimes the person will say something unexpected, but if at least some of it is planned, there is less scope for things to go wrong. If you can at least get the introduction right, they might lead you through the rest of the call. Do you have someone who might help you with things like this?

 

I don't think this difficulty is part of growing up or a sign of immaturity. I think it is anxiety, which probably stems in part from genuine negative experiences you have had because of your AS. It's something that may get easier as you get older, not because you lack maturity, but because over time you can recover from this anxiety and develop ways to make phone calls.

 

I have to agree with the interrupting thing, Tally! I hate it when the phone rings when I'm having dinner or just trying to have a quiet evening. It really does feel like an interruption, like someone saying: 'I want to talk to you NOW and I don't care what else you may be doing!'

 

My answerphone's on all the time in our house; if I'm not in the mood to answer, I let the answer phone take the message, then I ring back when I'm good and ready.

 

Makes sense to me!

 

Lizzie x

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I think it is a common fear, and not just an AS thing. Social anxiety affects many people for various reasons, and phones are often cited as a major source of difficulty.

 

Ocean, I think you're spot on with your analysis of what makes phone calls difficult and I can relate to most of what you say. I don't have AS but have always disliked using the phone for all but family and friends, as long as I can remember. If it's any consolation, I appear confident in print and in face to face situations and I'm happy and comfortable standing up in front of people - performing or public speaking - but the phone still holds terrors for me! I have been known to procrastinate all afternoon before making an appointment on the phone. I've learned to disguise my fear quite well and I'm really grateful for the advent of email and text - I will usually choose these options if possible and I often let a call go to answerphone rather than pick it up. I find work related calls easier for some reason - possibly because I can hide behind a role and there's usually a set pattern to the call.

 

I agree the element of unexpectedness is a big issue, especially at the beginning of a conversation. Sometimes for a difficult call, I write down the first couple of sentences to remind me what I want to say in case I go blank, and the call usually gets easier after that. I think Tally's point is good - most calls go ok - and probably the person on the other end has no idea that one is especially nervous.

 

On the subject of interrupting - I once had someone tell me off when I phoned her mobile, because she was driving at the time! :o:lol:

 

K x

 

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I only ever use the phone if there is no other option.

I will go out off my way to speak to people in person when a quick phone call would do.

I do not normally carry a mobile phone with me, I have one in the car which only gets switched on when I'm away from home when my son is at school (if there is no one at home to take a message). Only a very few people have my home phone number and only the school and very close family have my mobile number.

 

I'm not sure if you would call it a "fear" of using the phone.

I know some people think its a bit odd if your not contactable 24/7.

And I don't do texting.

I lived the first 40 odd years of me life without mobiles so----.

We did have a phone at home when I was about 6 or 7, one of the first down our road. Didn't get many calls as no one else had a phone.

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The invention of text and email is brilliant, as is those self-service checkouts. They are stress reducers too. I use my mobile often, but almost always for texting or calling the four people I know well enough!

 

Here goes a slight tangent, but sort of relevent too...

 

Yesterday I had an appointment with a new GP, where I (again) requested assessment. The GP wanted time to think and said he would call me at 10am the following day. So, today I psyched myself up and sat in the room where I can get recepton. (I only have a mobile and I get very poor reception in my house). The time came and went with no call. I stayed in the room for over an hour, hoping for but slightly dreading the imminent 'telephone consultation'. But nothing. No call. My fiance suggested I might call the surgery to enquire about it, but that would mean making a phone call to request another phone call, and to talk about AS. Too many scary things, not enough bravery.

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I can relate to what most of you are saying about phone calls, and I didn't realise this was such a common experience.

Usually I let everything go on the answering machine anyway. It does feel like an intrusion whether it's about making or receiving a call. When making a call to somebody I know such as my sister, I usual begin with "is this a good time to talk?"

She is the only one who refuses to use email, and there is only one other person who dislikes email because he can't, being dyslexic.

He is trying to get me to go on Skype as well and there is no way I feel comfortable with that, so I'll have to decline.

I've even lost friends communicating with me because I wouldn't use instant messenger, and I've never felt ok about texting either.

I responded to a text once that was a year old, thinking it had just been sent. :wacko:

Also tend to leave my mobile at home as I'm not on 24hr call like a doctor, and just take it if away from home for a few days when I know I'll need to be contacted. I've not even used any of the free calls each month and I got it last Easter, so its more for other peoples' benefit than mine.

 

 

Being a volunteer on the committee for a tenants association I've had to make monthly phone calls to remind people of the meeting and I tend to dread phoning but it has become somewhat easier over time. One person in particular has a landline that keeps breaking up (she dropped the phone so it doesn't work properly) and I often spend minutes just saying "hello can you hear me?" or ringing her back and trying again - it is the most stressful experience ever! Last time I had to ring her the call was diverted to her mobile as she was on her way to Scotland. I spoke to her and told her the date of the meeting had changed to 21st, yet on 21st I was told by the Chairperson that she'd had no idea the meeting was that day and had only discovered us by accident gathering outside the pub (where unfortunately the meetings have to be held due to lack of any other venue). He seemed to believe her rather than me and I felt furious that I'd gone through all that stress and anxiety for nothing! :wallbash: I'm thinking of resigning. My whole involvement with the T.A (and I mentioned a bit more in my meet and greet 1st post) and not just the phone phobia, is all getting to be too much. On the plus side, I DID get to make friends with a neighbour who I seem to get along very well with, but she doesn't want me to resign and leave her on her own there. (sorry to get so off topic) So I'm sort of in recluse phase at the moment, avoiding everybody.

 

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The invention of text and email is brilliant, as is those self-service checkouts. They are stress reducers too.

 

I hate the self service checkouts, I find them to stressful, much prefer dealing with a real person and not a machine.

I always end up just trying to figure out what to do next and have to get the supervisor to sort it out.

 

And as for texting, I don't really get it. Other than the cost.

Yes useful for leaving messages for someone when they are not available but if you both have the phone in your hand why not speak to them instead of sending text messages back and forth, to me its like communicating with some one stood next to you by writing little notes and handing them to each other. But then it is probably an age thing.

Edited by chris54

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I hate the self service checkouts, I find them to stressful, much prefer dealing with a real person and not a machine.

I always end up just trying to figure out what to do next and have to get the supervisor to sort it out.

 

And as for texting, I don't really get it. Other than the cost.

Yes useful for leaving messages for someone when they are not available but if you both have the phone in your hand why not speak to them instead of sending text messages back and forth, to me its like communicating with some one stood next to you by writing little notes and handing them to each other. But then it is probably an age thing.

 

You make a really good point. Calling is more effective and a text conversation is like passing notes between you and some one standing next to you. Seems senseless when you could just call them. Although, if someone would otherwise procastinate about making a dreaded phone call, or even not do it at all, then text can be more efficient in the long run. And far less draining.

 

The self service checkouts usually follow the same pattern. Unless you use coupons, age restricted goods or have a dodgy machine. I usually get to a point when out shopping, where I don't want to buy anything more because I've run out of energy for the check-out bit. But if there are self-service checkouts, then that store is far more likely to get a sale from me!

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I have this problem too. Making phone calls myself is less of an issue -- it freaks me out and I avoid them as much as possible (I get somebody else to do it or use the internet if I possibly can), but if I need to I write myself a list of prompts on my laptop and use those to make sure I don't just freeze up and not say anything. That seems to work for me.

 

In regards to the phone ringing I quite often just don't answer it. If I do answer it, it always increases my stress levels to ridiculous heights. And I completely agree with the analogy about walking into a room -- if you were wanting someone's attention you wouldn't just shout 'LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN' at them until they answered you. It's just stress before you even answer!

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Wow! Only just found this thread, but I could have written many of the posts above myself with the with the same reasons for struggling to make or receive phone calls. I am now so 'phone phobic' I cannot make calls at all and this has a debilitating impact on my life. I wish I had received support when I was younger and I would urge anyone who can use a phone but has difficulties or parents of a child having difficulties to sort it sooner rather than later. Avoidance only serves to make the issue worse. I am now about now to start having some support with this and I am terrified. My therapist explained the low level she'd start at but that was still too much so she's now having to rethink. It's one of those things that is really difficult for anyone who can pick up the phone without much thought to imagine. In order not to get get cross with people who try to be helpful and say things like just try it which upset me more, I think in terms of other phobias. I for instance have no problems with spiders even big hairy ones and am normally the student picking them up and putting them outside whilst other people are running away. I can't understand why spiders are fearful to some but I have to accept that the are and the extreme reaction they can cause. I have a different phobia with different impacts on my life, but the feelings inside me are probably similar.

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hi i am new to this site but this just sounds like me i have all the same phone problems as you quite scary is"nt it

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And I completely agree with the analogy about walking into a room -- if you were wanting someone's attention you wouldn't just shout 'LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN' at them until they answered you. It's just stress before you even answer!

Yep, I agree. I hate the idea of interrupting people. Stephen Fry on QI did a good bit on

(it's from about 3:30 into the clip although the beginning is also funny :lol:). Speak to me now, speak to me now, speak to me now... :lol: :lol:

 

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i have this problem i stutter get confused over anxiety can be linked to social anxiety of speaking on telephone knowing what to say and unpredictable conversation that may build up to due to AS i get so upset frustrated angry with myself actaully it happened other day when have to make important phone calls i have fear of messing it up saying something wrong it's so bad my grandad didn't like speaking on phone neither does my auntie who may also have AS/dyspraxic traits undiagnosed i feel like trying to avoid it when possible as makes me into nervous wreck normally i'm a highly verbal person just phone scrambles everything i want to say gets to a point where have to make myself notes before i go on there my legs shake and hands wobble when phone rings it truest form of fear and anxiety together awful!!! sometimes my parents have to step in place to help me get out what i really want and need to say but can't!!! you feel so ashamed and embarrassed like a silly stupid fool! when you know a phone can't hurt you!!! but feel can be judged critised by the other person on end of the phone!! grrr... one task i dread the most ....

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My husband has probs using phone. He worries about whether he will be able to understand the person at the other end, and has a lot of trouble taking in information on recorded messages and press option 1 type menus. He gets muddled with numbers and worries about that too and what he will be asked. He developed epilepsy at age 39 and some of his seizures were linked with using the phone! When he was young 2 things happened. His family phone was on a party line - where other families used the same phone line so only one could make a call at any one time. So he would have worried about picking up the phone and disturbing someone else's phone call. Also lightning struck his house and blew the phone off the wall - naturally this was rather upsetting!! He thinks his phone probs are linked to these 2 things.

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I hate the self service checkouts, I find them to stressful, much prefer dealing with a real person and not a machine.

 

I actually prefer to use machine and do it myself than having to deal with people e.g. cashier!

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