Hating 2nd year, living with 'friends'

[Felicity]

I've moved into a house and it's proving so stressful. I don't mind being friends with guys but have always hated the living situation - me and my dad never got on! I mostly stay in my room all day, and if I go into the living room i get 'wooo' s if about to go out, if i sit down i have to take the stool as they sit on the two sofas. They watch me eat, so i make stupid excuses to go to my room to eat. I also hate using the toilet or shower, walking into the kitchen as the guys watch me over the top of their laptops and newspapers.

 

Last year I was living in a flat with 4 girls who ignored me anyway, it was easy to have friends who I only saw once or twice a week outside the flat and then did my own thing. They barely noticed me so all was good. But this year i'm living with the friends from last year. For once they're the boring ones, it's as if they copy my behaviour and we sit there not talking for ages until I say something. It's all weirdly quiet and I want to distance myself to get my needed personal space, but still want friends. These people are so nice but I'm starting to get aloof with them. I don't want to go home but hiding from them in my room is not healthy - i'm expected to join them in the living room 24/7 (last year there was no living room so that helped) but now the 24/7 social effort is taxing! I don't mind socialising now and again but if it's constant I feel like going mad - i'm sure many of you understand.

 

Lectures are awful as i feel I'm watched. I don't feel my problems end with asperger's to be honest. My second year at uni is becoming a nightmare!

 

 

 

 

[frogslegs]

I am sorry that you are having such difficulties settling down this year at uni and I do feel for you. When I was younger I used to live in a shared house and found it incredibly difficult and felt under pressure. However, remember it is just an accommodation, you do not have to be best friends with them. But you have to be courteous.

Do they realise what a difficult time you are having at the moment? If they really like you they will understand and maybe they are trying to include you in their friendship. Can I suggest that you try to be honest with them. If you feel you can't talk to them all at the same time (that is hard), choose a moment when you are with just one or two of them and tell them that although you like them, you prefer spending time studying in your room. Maybe you could agree to go out with them once a week or something so that you can keep the connection open whilst having your peace.

Do you have a tutor with whom you can 'connect' so that at least you have someone who can support you through your studies? I think you need to speak to someone about your worries so that you can keep studying happily this year.

Best of luck,

<'> <'>

[dee23]

I would agree with frogslegs, honesty is probably the best policy, even though it probably feels like the most difficult option. You don't have to go into details about how you feel, or why you might feel that way. The word "shy" covers an awful lot of social difficulties, and will be one that they should hopefully be able to understand and sympathise with.

 

On the subject of the guys you are living with - and my apologies in advance here to any males who may read this and feel stung! - they may just not know how to approach you. If they are "following your lead" this may explain your feeling of being "copied". Men are not always the best communicators, especially with women, and if you appear unsure and uncomfortable around them they might well be scared of saying the "wrong thing", and end up saying nothing. Taking up the two sofas is just boorish behaviour that they may well not even realise they are doing (like guys who sit on crowded buses/trains with legs wide apart - a particularly annoying trait!), and the "wooos" when you are ready to go out might well be compliments in their minds. I know this does not make it any easier for you on the recieving end, but it might help if you are able to take it less personally. Hope all that makes sense, and again, apologies to male readers (although a male perspective on "typical male" behaviour might be helpful - although potentially dangerous territory i know ), and i am also not trying to imply that the situation would automatically be easier in a house full of women....

 

Sharing can be hard work anyway though. I share with a friend (both early 40s) and my teenage daughter, with respective partners often hanging around the place, so i do sympathise.

 

Best wishes <'>

[Felicity]

Hey, thanks for the advice! Things are really looking up, I've started to go down when they're watching a film as at least the focus is not so much on socialising. Also slightly getting used to eating in front of them, etc, and I've told them about the stool situation and they agree to move up on the sofa

 

But now the only girl is accusing me of everything under the sun! Does anyone else find they're always accused of stuff? I must have 'mug' written all over me.

 

Thanks for replying.