AS girls and bullying

[mac4]

 

It's been a while since I was here!!

 

We are beginning to experience the wrath of prepubescent girls, who are at the the top of the social ladder and even thoughs at the bottom clammering for some status. Our very naive, passive AS girl is really struggling, they are whispering about her at the lunch table, encouraging the younger girls to do this to. She is often told she is stupid, there is sneering, she is told she smells, they have sprayed deoderant cans in her face(she has told them she doesn't like the smell of perfume). She use to go to a local youth club and scouts which she enjoyed but not now, its too much.

 

She is in a small school yet this manages to happen when the teachers aren't around.

 

B uses a emotion sheet to talk to teachers but often doesn't know how to explain it or why this is happening.

 

I don't want to race up to the school, she has to learn to cope a little with this because secondary school is going to be awhole lot tougher.

 

Anyone know of some helpful tips/books/workbooks.?

 

How have other parents helped their kids?

 

How did they deal with the bullying issue?

 

Thanks for reading !!

 

 

 

 

[Jannih]

I don't want to race up to the school, she has to learn to cope a little with this because secondary school is going to be awhole lot tougher.

 

I really feel for your daughter. Don't let her suffer any more than she needs. The chances are you probably don't know the half of what is going on, especially if she has communication issues as you say. My personal opinion is that you should approach the school on her behalf.

 

Just speaking from my own experience, I was horribly bullied in primary school, but those bullying kids who were big fish in a small pond, became small fish in a large pond when we started secondary school. Other than one or two isolated incidents, the bullying abated and life was so much better. So don't assume that the situation will get worse because it might not.

 

Wish you both the best in regard to whatever you decide to do.

 

 

[NobbyNobbs]

how old is she? between 8-10/11 is a really nasty age for girls. they seem to feel the need to fight for supremacy and can get really nasty and incredibly cruel if left to themselves. not a lot that can be done to change the situation except to work on getting her buddied up with some of the nicer girls and waiting it out. some class discussions can help but can also make it worse.

[trekster]

It's been a while since I was here!!

 

We are beginning to experience the wrath of prepubescent girls, who are at the the top of the social ladder and even though at the bottom clambering for some status. Our very naive, passive AS girl is really struggling, they are whispering about her at the lunch table, encouraging the younger girls to do this to. She is often told she is stupid, there is sneering, she is told she smells, they have sprayed deodorant cans in her face(she has told them she doesn't like the smell of perfume). She use to go to a local youth club and scouts which she enjoyed but not now, its too much.

 

i got this at secondary school, at the time i was sweating because my gf/cf addiction wasn't being treated.

She is in a small school yet this manages to happen when the teachers aren't around.

 

Would budding her up with a trusted more assertive child help?

B uses a emotion sheet to talk to teachers but often doesn't know how to explain it or why this is happening.

 

She could become selectively silent due to the bullying shes receiving. i know many autistics who have. If she had to draw what was happening would that help? Or even use figurines like playmobils (which i often use to describe how im feeling).

I don't want to race up to the school, she has to learn to cope a little with this because secondary school is going to be a whole lot tougher.

 

Agreed, not sure how the NAS "make school make sense" campaign has been going in your area. Have you heard of Number 6? it is in Edinburgh and is a resource centre for parents and autistics. Its also a safe haven to escape from the outside pressures of the scary world.

Anyone know of some helpful tips/books/workbooks.?

 

Would she like to meet other asperger syndrome kids? You could try and ask for a befriender from the NAS if 1-1 works better for her. Also peer awareness but the problem is i fear that could make things worse for your child.

How have other parents helped their kids?

 

i got out a "asperger syndrome practical strategies for the classroom" book one day and underlined what affected me and what would help. My gran then wrote that information up and had a meeting at the school. i know you are reluctant to do this but it might help and then can be passed onto the next scool when she leaves.

 

Have you considered changing schools? It worked in some respects for me but only for a short time.

How did they deal with the bullying issue?

 

Anti bullying campaign might give you some ideas.

Thanks for reading !!

 

Alexis

 

PS i wasn't diagnosed until i was age 16 and had just left school but this worked to an extent at college.

 

[Kathryn]

I don't want to race up to the school, she has to learn to cope a little with this because secondary school is going to be a whole lot tougher.

 

Sorry mac, I disagree with this. There's nothing acceptable about this kind of behaviour, in my opinion, and you've said your daughter can't cope with it on her own, so I'm not sure letting her tough it out is the best policy. If the school has a bullying policy in place, which they should have, and they take it seriously, which they should be, then a few polite but firm words from you with the class teacher should be enough to nip this in the bud.

 

My experiences: my daughter was severely bullied at primary and secondary and I didn't do much to intervene, to my regret. She ended up not finishing her secondary education. I resolved to be very different with my much younger son. Although he is much more confident than she was, even he has been on the wrong end of bullying, at his primary and then secondary school. In primary, I wrote a note to the class teacher describing clearly what was going on and that I fully expected the school to deal with it. I got a swift response, with the the staff phoning me the same day to say what they were doing about it. At primary school the children involved were spoken to discreetly, and discussion about bullying was incorporated into lessons. Care was taken to ensure that my son was not singled out but that he was affirmed as part of the group. The class teacher checked with me a few weeks later that everything was OK. I was impressed with the way they handled the situation. I know not all schools handle bullying incidents equally well, but that's no reason not to approach them assertively with the expectation that they will do something about it.

 

I hope I haven't offended, and hope that one way or another, this gets sorted out for your daughter. There's a good booklet about bullying on the ACE website by the way.

 

K x

[trekster]

I really feel for your daughter. Don't let her suffer any more than she needs. The chances are you probably don't know the half of what is going on, especially if she has communication issues as you say. My personal opinion is that you should approach the school on her behalf.

 

Just speaking from my own experience, I was horribly bullied in primary school, but those bullying kids who were big fish in a small pond, became small fish in a large pond when we started secondary school. Other than one or two isolated incidents, the bullying abated and life was so much better. So don't assume that the situation will get worse because it might not.

 

Wish you both the best in regard to whatever you decide to do.

 

The only way to fight off the "nasty undiagnosed asperger" bully was to pretend she was beating me up when we were having a fight.

i didn't like to do that but desperate times called for desperate measures at the time. She didn't bother me after that but i could have

got a detention for fighting, i only survived that incident as i froze as soon as the dinner lady came around the corner.

 

[Kazzen161]

I agree - this is serious bullying and needs to be reported to the school. The other girls need to be told in no uncertain terms that this behaviour is not acceptable (for their own benefit). Children need clear boundaries, and if they are not told off now, they may well escalate their bullying. (and why do they have deodorant cans at school? I didn't think they were allowed. Spraying it in her face is dangerous).

 

I told my children to make a lot of noise if someone harrasses them (eg: shouting "stop that" loudly), so the staff will hear. One of my son's was able to think of clever retorts.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I sympathise. Very difficult to deal with. I know that you're perhaps reluctant to race up to the school (I can see where you're coming from), however, given that your daughter is struggling with handling this herself, it sounds like you may have to intervene and speak to the school. It's very difficult trying to establish a balance of encouraging independence/social skills whilst at the same time working out what that individual's limitations are. The emotion sheet seems like a very good start. I'm guessing that's perhaps visual. Might be helpful to try social stories (Carol Gray has written a book on it and she also has a website). My son has AS and I don't believe he'd know if he was being bullied or not. At the end of each day I try to ask him how his day went. He spills everything out and I try to help him make sense of it. A good book is the bluebottle mystery. I haven't read it all with my son yet, but so far it seems to have helped him understand a bit about relationships and why people react the way that they do in some situations. Hope things get sorted out soon.

 

Caroline.

[bikemad]

My son was bullied mercilessly and in the end I had to move him to another school cos he was suicidal.....I really think you do need to intervene and go up the school.

[mac4]

 

Thanks for the replies!!

 

Lots to think about, the school term has gone back after October Holidays. I've decided to wait and as soon as another incident of bullying happens I'm going to go up to the school and ask or some help for B.

 

This is something B has agreed to as well which is what I wanted.

 

Thanks for the support.

 

 

 

[jb1964]

Hi,

 

I don't want you to make the same mistake as we did - when my daughter was in primary we always said to her to ignore comments, or try not to show you're upset, to walk away - that people can be unkind but names won't hurt etc.

 

She struggled terribly through secondary school (she finished this year) and it is only recently that she told us the extent of the bullying she endured - people trying to make her fall down the stairs (kicking in the back of her calves), throwing chips and food at her, having chewing gum put on her seat and hair that's without the name calling and comments.

 

I wish she'd told us earlier but she never did.

 

Take care,

Jb x

Edited October 25, 2009 by jb1964

[Sally44]

I too think you should have a talk with school. School maybe totally unaware of it.

My son's TA phoned me at home about a month ago, to tell me about an incident where my son had been in the toilet and a couple of other boys had been looking under the door at him, shouting things at him and finally tried to kick the door down, which they did and broke.

My son was found by a dinner lady in an extremely upset and distressed state, and that is when all this came out. His TA said the two responsible had been sent to the head and their parents had been called into school. However on discussing the incident with my son he said 'that is why I don't like going to school it happens again and again'. That was the first time he had volunteered any information that events like this were happening and had happened more than once. So I informed school of this and reminded them that he is not able to verbalise his feelings or events and 'tell' anyone. And just because he hasn't told anyone does not mean it hasn't happened or that he wasn't upset. He also cannot tie in facial expression, gestures and voice tone to convey how upset he is or give very understandable narratives of information to others. So all in all he is very vulnerable in this area.

Anyway, so relieve his anxiety he is now allowed to use a different toilet that other children are not allowed to go into. School have also worked on teaching him how to tell an adult if something has upset him. But even then he might tell someone about an event that happened weeks ago. Things are not always processed in 'real time'.

So school cannot assume it isn't happening. They need to do something. Give a whole school talk about bullying, or a class talk. They can work on building up a social network for her with 'circle of friends' or buddying approaches so that other children are keeping an eye out for her.

And you can't assume that she can handle it and cope with it or has the skills to deal with these situations herself.

Write down a list of instances you know of and make an appointment with school and go in to discuss this with the head. You can ask for someone from the Parent Partnership to come along with you to give you any advice and to take notes. You can also contact your LEAs Autism Outreach Teacher and speak with them about what school could do and who would help school put it into place ie. such as circle of friends.

School can also do things like set up dinnertime clubs, or allow her access to the library or computer room. But if she wants to interact and does not have social skills then the school should be aware of this and working on it through IEPs and should be getting specific advice from the SALT or Ed Psych.

 

[Jannih]

I've decided to wait and as soon as another incident of bullying happens I'm going to go up to the school and ask or some help for B.

 

 

Don't wait for another bout of bullying - Do it now.