Anyone Have Tips For Eye Contact?

[I'm Aspergers Not Stupid]

Mainly for when you're walking passed people in the street, or on buses and all that.

 

I get worried about if I'm giving to much or to little eye contact. I feel given to little eye contact gives the impression of being an easy target (people have jumped me a few times trying to steal things). Also that if I give to much eye contact, that I can either intimidate others or start fights that way (I've fought over that also). I find it very difficult to find a balance and many times it makes me feel like I should avoid going out even when I have things I should do.

 

I've thought about wearing sunglasses, so I can walk passed and people wont be able to know any different...but wearing sunglasses around autumn/winter time or if it's late and gets dark would probably draw attention to myself. So that idea I can only really apply for two seasons and I'm left with the other seasons to try and find a balance of eye contact that feels foreign to me.

 

Does anyone have any tips or tricks what so ever?

[Mumble]

I get worried about if I'm giving to much or to little eye contact.

Easy - move to London where the rule is simple. Don't make eye contact with anyone. Ever.

 

[I'm Aspergers Not Stupid]

Easy - move to London where the rule is simple. Don't make eye contact with anyone. Ever.

 

Sorry, but I didn't find that very helpful. I'm not sure If that was meant to be a joke but if so I accept that, but personally I'm looking for serious answer because to me this is a serious issue. Not trying to sound like I got my head up my own you know what... but I felt like posting this just so that if you didn't understand maybe you will now, and if others who planned to post didn't they would also. Hope I didn't offend you.

 

[Karen A]

Sorry, but I didn't find that very helpful. I'm not sure If that was meant to be a joke but if so I accept that, but personally I'm looking for serious answer because to me this is a serious issue. Not trying to sound like I got my head up my own you know what... but I felt like posting this just so that if you didn't understand maybe you will now, and if others who planned to post didn't they would also. Hope I didn't offend you.

 

Hi.

I don't think Mumble intended to upsett you.

I also live in London and do understand the comment.

People in London honestly do not expect any eye contact at all.I am not Aspie and I often make the mistake of making eye contact.People react as though I am about to mugg them.

I think it is very difficult to generalise.In my part of London there are people from numerous different ethnic groups with different expectations.For example in my childhood in England it was classed as a sign of disrespect for children not to maintain eye contact with adults when being spoken to.In the Bangladeshi community in my area it is classed as a serious lack of respect if children make eye contact with adults.

Karen.

 

[Mumble]

Sorry, but I didn't find that very helpful. I'm not sure If that was meant to be a joke but if so I accept that, but personally I'm looking for serious answer because to me this is a serious issue. Not trying to sound like I got my head up my own you know what... but I felt like posting this just so that if you didn't understand maybe you will now, and if others who planned to post didn't they would also. Hope I didn't offend you.

I find what you have written offensive because you are attacking the way I deal with the world. I understand the issue with eye contact perfectly well. However, I use humour as a coping mechanism (as anyone who's been on this site a bit longer than yourself and knows me knows) and I think it's quite possible to balance the serious with humour (which personally I don't think is the opposite of serious) within one thread. I don't like the insinuation that by me posting something 'humorous' (actually it's not that funny, it is what happens in London and something I had to learn) I am somehow holding others back from supporting you. This forum is about acceptance and everyone supporting each other and what I have written (initially - I think your reply might make people wary) is not going to stop people helping if they can.

 

[I'm Aspergers Not Stupid]

I find what you have written offensive because you are attacking the way I deal with the world. I understand the issue with eye contact perfectly well. However, I use humour as a coping mechanism (as anyone who's been on this site a bit longer than yourself and knows me knows) and I think it's quite possible to balance the serious with humour (which personally I don't think is the opposite of serious) within one thread. I don't like the insinuation that by me posting something 'humorous' (actually it's not that funny, it is what happens in London and something I had to learn) I am somehow holding others back from supporting you. This forum is about acceptance and everyone supporting each other and what I have written (initially - I think your reply might make people wary) is not going to stop people helping if they can.

 

 

My personal opinion is that your assuming I'm attacking you, I said if you used it in that sense that I accepted it. Then I went on to say that even though you did say it that way I was looking for a different response, never did I say your response was wrong or attempted to give any impression of that.

 

I also never insinuated that you was trying to Holt others supporting me, that I personally believe is a insinuation in itself cause I felt I was clearly stating I was simply looking for a different response (not that I'm unhappy that you did, I accept it's difficult for some to read some situations because I myself do also.

 

I personally felt that if I don't explain how I feel, I cant expect people to understand how I feel...so I said to you what I was looking for, there was no attack in there what so ever to say you replied in the wrong way or how you deal with things are, I personally believe there isn't a correct way. My intention was more along the lines of "if you don't ask you don't get"

 

I hope there's a better understanding now, maybe I didn't go about it the best way, but I don't want you being upset. It was not my intention and I think something as simple as a misunderstanding shouldn't get us off on the wrong foot, sort of speak.

Edited October 9, 2009 by I'm Aspergers Not Stupid

[I'm Aspergers Not Stupid]

Hi.

I don't think Mumble intended to upsett you.

I also live in London and do understand the comment.

People in London honestly do not expect any eye contact at all.I am not Aspie and I often make the mistake of making eye contact.People react as though I am about to mugg them.

I think it is very difficult to generalise.In my part of London there are people from numerous different ethnic groups with different expectations.For example in my childhood in England it was classed as a sign of disrespect for children not to maintain eye contact with adults when being spoken to.In the Bangladeshi community in my area it is classed as a serious lack of respect if children make eye contact with adults.

Karen.

 

I wasn't upset but I'm guessing it came across that way, but thanks for thinking how I could have possibly been feeling and trying to reassure me. I've personally been to London many of times and I understood where Mumble was coming from but was hoping for a different response, I'd happily share jokes with Mumble or anyone else on here but it just wasn't personally what i was looking for in this thread, that's all.

 

I see what you mean about different people having different views and that's why I worry about it, I don't wont to intimidate but I don't want to look like I'll allow people to walk all over me, I'm just really finding it difficult to deal with and hoping that someone has came up with a master plan I guess.

 

[Tally]

I think what we have here is a misunderstanding.

 

I can't see that Mumble meant any offence, although clearly I'm Asperger's has interpreted it differently to me.

 

I can understand why Mumble felt I'm Asperger's reply was an attack, as it appears that way to me also. I hope that Mumble can accept that you did not mean it that way and we can all live happily every after

 

This is a forum where we share ideas and experiences. Sometimes people feel better about a situation just by knowing that they are not alone in it, which is why other people may post sharing similar experiences but without actually giving any practical advice. Other times, people may give suggestions which do not suit your personal circumstances. Feel free to disregard anything on the forum which is not helpful to you.

[I'm Aspergers Not Stupid]

I think what we have here is a misunderstanding.

 

I can't see that Mumble meant any offence, although clearly I'm Asperger's has interpreted it differently to me.

 

I can understand why Mumble felt I'm Asperger's reply was an attack, as it appears that way to me also. I hope that Mumble can accept that you did not mean it that way and we can all live happily every after

 

This is a forum where we share ideas and experiences. Sometimes people feel better about a situation just by knowing that they are not alone in it, which is why other people may post sharing similar experiences but without actually giving any practical advice. Other times, people may give suggestions which do not suit your personal circumstances. Feel free to disregard anything on the forum which is not helpful to you.

 

I'd like to say I didn't take offence, or felt it was an attack against me. I don't think it was Mumble's fault either and i didn't think the post was a bad one. I was just explaining what I was looking for in the thread but I guess other people viewed it different. I guess maybe I should have thought ahead and stuck it in the threads explanation, instead of leaving late an explaining when someone made a response I wasn't really looking for. I just never considered doing it and if others view that as my fault then I except it. I'm just worried that people are now thinking I'm attacking people on a site when it wasn't my intention...I came to make friends with people with similar problems not enemies.

 

[Pentoon]

Hi, I'm new here too and I'm not going to get into the above discussion, it seems like a case of crossed wires.

 

Regarding eye contact, I, personally, as an adult who does not have ASD find this issue difficult to judge aswell. As a general rule it is ok not to make eye contact, people often don't expect it and it can feel uncomfortable for a stranger to look you in the eyes. However, there are always instances when it can't be helped. In these cases I usually make a value judgement about the person, it may not be fair but that is how many people work. If the person looks stereotypically unthreatening then I will briefly smile and look away, the eye contact lasts maybe a second or two. If the person looks stereotypically threatening or unapproachable, maybe a business man who is walking fast, then I just look away again.

[Tally]

Pleased to see the topic has returned to its original issue. Thank you

[I'm Aspergers Not Stupid]

Hi, I'm new here too and I'm not going to get into the above discussion, it seems like a case of crossed wires.

 

Regarding eye contact, I, personally, as an adult who does not have ASD find this issue difficult to judge aswell. As a general rule it is ok not to make eye contact, people often don't expect it and it can feel uncomfortable for a stranger to look you in the eyes. However, there are always instances when it can't be helped. In these cases I usually make a value judgement about the person, it may not be fair but that is how many people work. If the person looks stereotypically unthreatening then I will briefly smile and look away, the eye contact lasts maybe a second or two. If the person looks stereotypically threatening or unapproachable, maybe a business man who is walking fast, then I just look away again.

 

 

Thanks for that, I kind of understand, I despise stereotyping but I guess sometimes it's possible people can benefit from it. The only problem is I never really notice what the person looks like to really make a judgement. I've walked passed people thinking they where elderly and it turned out to be a youth and vies versa. I've even got it wrong with which sex I'm walking passed. I've probably walked passed 15 people today and I could only tell you how 3 looked like, and one of them was because he was a bus driver and I said thanks to him. I'm not sure if you can relate or not, but if an occasion arises I'll try to apply it and see if it works for me. Thanks for your time in commenting.

 

[Kathryn]

If you find yourself in conversation with anyone for any length of time, try looking at another part of their face. If you briefly focus on the eyebrows, the nose or the ear, it can look as though you're making eye contact. My brilliant drama teacher gave me this tip when I was a child and did speech and drama exams - it really helped take the intensity out of the situation when I was in a room with just the examiner.

 

K x

[Mumble]

I hope that Mumble can accept that you did not mean it that way and we can all live happily every after

I think we can all live happily ever after.

 

the ear

Hmm, never tried the ears - but how do you decide which one? And what if the one you're looking at has a protruding hairy growth () to distract you? I have taken to looking at the lips and actually, particularly in a noisy environment, I find it helps me to understand what is being said.

 

As for people in the street, if they're strangers and you have no need/desire to form any sort of relationship with them, I can't see the need to make eye contact with any of them. You're not going to see them again and whilst you may be dwelling on it, I doubt they even remember walking past you (or or the hundreds of other people they will have walked past that day).

 

[I'm Aspergers Not Stupid]

If you find yourself in conversation with anyone for any length of time, try looking at another part of their face. If you briefly focus on the eyebrows, the nose or the ear, it can look as though you're making eye contact. My brilliant drama teacher gave me this tip when I was a child and did speech and drama exams - it really helped take the intensity out of the situation when I was in a room with just the examiner.

 

K x

That might be helpful, but is there a certain amount of time I should do that for? because if I'm giving them the impression of giving eye contact and stare for a long period of time they might think I'm staring them out. But anyway yeah it sounds useful for thanks for your advice.

 

As for people in the street, if they're strangers and you have no need/desire to form any sort of relationship with them, I can't see the need to make eye contact with any of them. You're not going to see them again and whilst you may be dwelling on it, I doubt they even remember walking past you (or or the hundreds of other people they will have walked past that day).

 

Yeah I guess its possible even though I feel like It's a big deal not giving a certain amount of eye contact, others might not care what so ever...maybe your right and I shouldn't look at anyone but I'm not sure where to look If I'm not looking at them. I don't like the idea of looking down cause I feel I might give the impression of vulnerability so I've tried things in the past like pretending to yawn because you can basically cover your face while yawing...but that didn't go to well my acting skills ain't that good I guess.

 

I'm not sure if anyone might find this helpful but I've started not long back. If I'm walking with someone on the street...I pretty much try and keep a conversation going with that other person I'm walking with (Even though it doesn't really come natural) just to have a reason to look at the other person while I'm walking past people. That way I'm not worried about looking vulnerable or if I'm intimidating the people I'm walking past.

[Sooze2]

If you find yourself in conversation with anyone for any length of time, try looking at another part of their face. If you briefly focus on the eyebrows, the nose or the ear, it can look as though you're making eye contact. My brilliant drama teacher gave me this tip when I was a child and did speech and drama exams - it really helped take the intensity out of the situation when I was in a room with just the examiner.

 

K x

 

Hi, Ive heard that a lot of public speekers do as Kathryn said to over come nerves when talking to a large groups of people or even just speeking 1:1 with someone. Apparently the other person thinks you are making eye contact even if you are actually staring at the frown lines at the top of their nose.

 

Oh and you are allowed to look away from their face too, don't think you need to stare at them for the whole conversation, I once had a freind who used to say that she must "do" eye contact throughout an entire conversation and would seemingly stare unblinking for absolutely ages, it became a wee bit un-nervering.

 

I find eye contact difficult and it is very hard to get the balance right isn't it. Sometimes I find it hard to look at someone if they are being very intense but there again if they don't look at me at all (like my DH) I find that off putting in conversation too. BUT (rambling now I know) on the other hand I am very aware that I examine and study people's faces/hands/whole body/clothes if I like them/etc when I talk to them just because people and how they look or dress facinate me for some reason - I often wonder if this puts people off talking to me!

 

 

[Kathryn]

That might be helpful, but is there a certain amount of time I should do that for? because if I'm giving them the impression of giving eye contact and stare for a long period of time they might think I'm staring them out.

 

Good point - it can be intimidating to feel stared at. What people tend to do in ordinary conversation, is look away while they're speaking and then look back at the listener, making brief eye contact, just before they've finished what they're saying. Resuming eye contact is a non verbal way of saying " your turn to speak now - I'm ready to listen".

 

K x

[I'm Aspergers Not Stupid]

Hi, Ive heard that a lot of public speekers do as Kathryn said to over come nerves when talking to a large groups of people or even just speeking 1:1 with someone. Apparently the other person thinks you are making eye contact even if you are actually staring at the frown lines at the top of their nose.

 

Oh and you are allowed to look away from their face too, don't think you need to stare at them for the whole conversation, I once had a freind who used to say that she must "do" eye contact throughout an entire conversation and would seemingly stare unblinking for absolutely ages, it became a wee bit un-nervering.

 

I find eye contact difficult and it is very hard to get the balance right isn't it. Sometimes I find it hard to look at someone if they are being very intense but there again if they don't look at me at all (like my DH) I find that off putting in conversation too. BUT (rambling now I know) on the other hand I am very aware that I examine and study people's faces/hands/whole body/clothes if I like them/etc when I talk to them just because people and how they look or dress facinate me for some reason - I often wonder if this puts people off talking to me!

 

Thanks for seconding Kathryn's advice, and also thanks for telling me about how you feel about eye contact...personally I wouldn't think people would be put off if you was looking at someone with a fascination. If anything if it was me I'd see it as a complement that there's something fascinating about me, and I'm sure many others would view it the same way. Thanks again.

 

 

Good point - it can be intimidating to feel stared at. What people tend to do in ordinary conversation, is look away while they're speaking and then look back at the listener, making brief eye contact, just before they've finished what they're saying. Resuming eye contact is a non verbal way of saying " your turn to speak now - I'm ready to listen".

 

K x

 

Thanks that will hopefully help me a lot especially that "your turn to speak thing". Now I about it, many do that to me when they want me to speak, but it's kind of a hidden rule of communication or something so I didn't really notice in till you pointed it out. Hopefully it will help me a little more when speaking to people because I feel sometimes people think I'm ignoring them or something. Thanks again.

 

[Jannih]

I am sure most of us here have been in that dilemma ie. how much eye contact or none at all. I have sometimes been accused of staring ie holding eye contact for longer than I should. On one specific occasion I tried to avoid this problem by taking my eyes off the person who I was speaking to and looking at other things. I was then told that there were obviously problems with my concentration !

 

There is no straightforward answer as each community has its "rules" regarding eye contact. You will find that in areas with a dense population such as London, people do not do make eye contact with strangers whatsoever.

 

When I visit my sister in her very small village I will actually say "good morning" to strangers but only with a very brief meeting of the eyes - so brief it probably does not get noticed by the person on a conscious level.

 

I think you will also find that people from ethnic minorities will be more sociable towards strangers of their own race , simple for the reason they are a minority and will draw some camaraderie from that alone. Lets face it, we are an ASD minority group and in spite of our social difficulties, we are all arranging to meet up at Christmas with a bunch of "strangers" we only know from this forum !

 

I find travelling on puiblic transport a bit uncomfortable at times, if someone is sitting opposite me. So the way round that is to read a book or newspaper.

 

I think wherever you live in this country, it is acceptable to walk past strangers in the street and totally ignore them altogether and not worry about eye contact.

 

By the way I'm a Londoner. Regarding Mumbles remark , I could see it was a "bit tonge in cheek" but knowing that one of the problems of having an ASD is not knowing if someone is serious or joking, maybe in retrospect it would have been wiser to put a "Funny Face" emoticon or a "LOL" after it.

 

But hey-ho we all make mistakes.

Edited October 10, 2009 by Jannih

[smiley1590]

i'm a learning tips and advice atm on how to tackle this part of how AS affects you socially within a conversation interacting i have been told to look at nose mouth so below eyes or just behind the person you speaking to like a wall etc then it still looks like you ARE making eye contact so they don't know any different but makes it easier less stressful and anxious for you in them situations where you will use it!!! try it with a mirror yourself first see what face feature etc works for you the best as different people will prefer use different parts but i hope this will work as did for me the main key to this keep practising and don't push yourself too hard and much!!! and that eye contact can be used occasionally and not all time so glance away!!! i'm on a social communication course at the moment working on key areas need to be covered due to AS .....

 

hope helps others reading this too takes awhile to adjust to looking at any facial features or behind as been looking at the floor for so long etc then can lead to bigger things such as getting to understand facial expressions abit better so one step at time!!!

 

take care

XKLX

[Jannih]

i have been told to look at nose mouth so below eyes or just behind the person you speaking to like a wall etc then it still looks like you ARE making eye contact so they don't know any different

take care

XKLX

 

I interview the public, and often a person will look over their left shoulder, thinking I am looking at something else far more interesting than them !

 

 

[I'm Aspergers Not Stupid]

I am sure most of us here have been in that dilemma ie. how much eye contact or none at all. I have sometimes been accused of staring ie holding eye contact for longer than I should. On one specific occasion I tried to avoid this problem by taking my eyes off the person who I was speaking to and looking at other things. I was then told that there were obviously problems with my concentration !

 

There is no straightforward answer as each community has its "rules" regarding eye contact. You will find that in areas with a dense population such as London, people do not do make eye contact with strangers whatsoever.

 

When I visit my sister in her very small village I will actually say "good morning" to strangers but only with a very brief meeting of the eyes - so brief it probably does not get noticed by the person on a conscious level.

 

I think you will also find that people from ethnic minorities will be more sociable towards strangers of their own race , simple for the reason they are a minority and will draw some camaraderie from that alone. Lets face it, we are an ASD minority group and in spite of our social difficulties, we are all arranging to meet up at Christmas with a bunch of "strangers" we only know from this forum !

 

I find travelling on puiblic transport a bit uncomfortable at times, if someone is sitting opposite me. So the way round that is to read a book or newspaper.

 

I think wherever you live in this country, it is acceptable to walk past strangers in the street and totally ignore them altogether and not worry about eye contact.

 

By the way I'm a Londoner. Regarding Mumbles remark , I could see it was a "bit tonge in cheek" but knowing that one of the problems of having an ASD is not knowing if someone is serious or joking, maybe in retrospect it would have been wiser to put a "Funny Face" emoticon or a "LOL" after it.

 

But hey-ho we all make mistakes.

 

@Jannih

 

Thanks I found what you said very interesting. The first paragraph I can relate to very well and that's why I have so much confusion about eye contact because I find it difficult to find a middle ground. I also found ethnic minorities possibly being more sociable towards others there race very interesting. Also that newspaper seems to be something well worth me looking into. Thanks alot again for your comment and everyone else's so far for that matter, I will try and apply a lot of these things said in the near future.

 

i'm a learning tips and advice atm on how to tackle this part of how AS affects you socially within a conversation interacting i have been told to look at nose mouth so below eyes or just behind the person you speaking to like a wall etc then it still looks like you ARE making eye contact so they don't know any different but makes it easier less stressful and anxious for you in them situations where you will use it!!! try it with a mirror yourself first see what face feature etc works for you the best as different people will prefer use different parts but i hope this will work as did for me the main key to this keep practising and don't push yourself too hard and much!!! and that eye contact can be used occasionally and not all time so glance away!!! i'm on a social communication course at the moment working on key areas need to be covered due to AS .....

 

hope helps others reading this too takes awhile to adjust to looking at any facial features or behind as been looking at the floor for so long etc then can lead to bigger things such as getting to understand facial expressions abit better so one step at time!!!

 

take care

XKLX

 

@smiley1590

 

Thanks for your time and advise...I will try that mirror thing out today probably and try and find what I feel best with from everyone's suggestions. Thanks.

Edited October 11, 2009 by I'm Aspergers Not Stupid

[caci]

If you feel comfortable with the idea of sun glasses, could you try ordinary glassess with reactalight lenses.? I think you could get non-prescriptions lenses if you don't actually need glasses to help you see.

 

These are tinted in even dim light, and at a hint of sun light go darker.

[I'm Aspergers Not Stupid]

@caci

 

Interesting idea, It's not something I know a lot about because I don't need glasses to see, but I'll try and look into it and find more information about the type of glasses you mentioned. Thanks.

[louloutinks]

Hi sorry to hijack this thread bit I am a newbie and my son has autism. He could never ever look me in the eye so at around 2 I tried something with him to gain eye contact. It took just under 2 years repeating this everyday until he could look at me without saying 'look at me' and now I find, with me, his eye contact is pretty OK, but when he is talking incessantly about his interest he gives me full intense eye contact (nigh on glaring) and if I look away, he grabs my face to get the contact again. He has just turned 7. His reading teacher told me that for the whole year, my son never gave her eye contact until the last day when he looked at her once, sideways!

 

Can anybody enlighten me please on the above??

 

Many thanks

 

Lou

[louloutinks]

Anyone?????!!

[Mike_GX101]

Have a look into this eye:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:A_woman%27s_eye.JPG

 

Behold the intricate beauty of the human eye - see it the way it really is; like a flower that is blooming in the spring. Just consider how special it is to be able to see - what would it be like to a blind person who has always been blind who has never been given the opportunity to see the human eye for all its vibrant colours and intricacies? How special it is to be able to meet the gaze of another and just be awed by such beauty.

 

Now tell us what it is that is so haunting about looking into someone's eyes that makes you feel so uncomfortable? Tell it how it is...

[darkshine]

Now tell us what it is that is so haunting about looking into someone's eyes that makes you feel so uncomfortable? Tell it how it is...

 

I can tell you - it feels like people look through me, like they can see into me.

 

But then there's another side to this - I look into someone's eyes and so much is there and with some people its too much, too much emotion, feeling, thoughts.

 

So what do I do about it? I practice looking into people's eyes when I talk to them, and I find that its a little easier with some people than others - so I realise that it is possible - although it is very difficult to do with some people cuz its like being burnt and that can feel impossible - but I refuse to label it as impossible - it can feel impossible at time, although that isn't the same thing - but I practice when the chances arise anyway, even if it means I only look occasionally.

 

And then I try to not be bothered that I can't meet certain people's eyes - cuz they can either accept me or not - I know I'm trying to deal with my issues with holding a normal gaze with people so if some people have a problem with it when I cannot - then its their problem and not mine.

[karmadestiny]

Hi sorry to hijack this thread bit I am a newbie and my son has autism. He could never ever look me in the eye so at around 2 I tried something with him to gain eye contact. It took just under 2 years repeating this everyday until he could look at me without saying 'look at me' and now I find, with me, his eye contact is pretty OK, but when he is talking incessantly about his interest he gives me full intense eye contact (nigh on glaring) and if I look away, he grabs my face to get the contact again. He has just turned 7. His reading teacher told me that for the whole year, my son never gave her eye contact until the last day when he looked at her once, sideways!

 

Can anybody enlighten me please on the above??

 

Many thanks

 

Lou

 

Hi lou,

 

My son didn't make eye contact until he was around 7 or 8 with me and much later with his teachers...Eye contact is all about trust...Like yourself I tried working with him, keeping eye contact with him while talking to him and if he looked away I would gentley gesture him to look back into my eyes again... but at school things were different...Its all about trust, if he is lucky to have teachers who understand his diagnosis they will to work with him too...and make sure they sit to his level and gentley keep coersing him to make eye contact...Is your son on the SEN register and are the Autism communication team involved?... They will help his teachers to use different stratagies needed from visual cues to support through services...If he is on the Sen register talk to his SEn co-ordinator about how they can help him progress at school...If not find out if the school have a SEN co-ordinator, make an appt as soon as...the earlier his needs are met the better for him...I hope it helps...

[Sa Skimrande]

Mainly for when you're walking passed people in the street, or on buses and all that.

 

I get worried about if I'm giving to much or to little eye contact. I feel given to little eye contact gives the impression of being an easy target (people have jumped me a few times trying to steal things). Also that if I give to much eye contact, that I can either intimidate others or start fights that way (I've fought over that also). I find it very difficult to find a balance and many times it makes me feel like I should avoid going out even when I have things I should do.

 

I've thought about wearing sunglasses, so I can walk passed and people wont be able to know any different...but wearing sunglasses around autumn/winter time or if it's late and gets dark would probably draw attention to myself. So that idea I can only really apply for two seasons and I'm left with the other seasons to try and find a balance of eye contact that feels foreign to me.

 

Does anyone have any tips or tricks what so ever?

 

Two methods I have employed, the earliest one was focus on the inside of the back of someone's head and stare through them of which I was told when I do that it is very unnerving for the poor sod that gets that treatment, so I reserve that one for special occasions. The other is to glaze the eyes so everything loses definition, that way one is aware of what is happening, but others think you are not watching. But I find when walking around glazing the eyes which is defocusing slightly I am not distracted by details that would make me unaware otherwise, as I am one that gets easily distracted by details to the point I become unaware of other things happening around me.

 

I discovered the slight defocusing method when I was trying to work out how to see colour in black and white for the purposes of Ansel Adams Zone system photography and I used to use a special filter to convert colour into tones until I learned defocusing also works as the filter also sheds the colour definition. Now I can see in black and white when the need arises, but I find getting rid of definition by defocusing the eyes slightly one can remain in their own little world but be perfectly aware of whats going on around them and the other thing of course are miscreants cannot cause a problem because they thing one is staring at them.

 

Edited to add animals depend a lot for their survival on changing tones in light, that being they are more aware of light and shade than we are, whereas my photography training has taught me how to use tones of light particularly the extremes to be more aware of pending danger, but maybe it is common to aspies I don't know, but I read somewhere we tend not to like bright light and I agree when the light is bright I am more wary.

Edited October 26, 2012 by Sa Skimrande

[Mike_GX101]

Did you know that cats hate being stared at. Cats will often avoid people who stare at them and are more likely (when in a party of many people) go to the one giving them least attention, perhaps because they're the people with fur allegies or because they simply don't like cats.

 

Two cats who dislike each other will stare each other out. On the other hand two cats that are in good company will not maintain eye contact for long and will instead noticeably blink at one another. It works for us too - blink at your cat several times with 'softness' in your eyes and the cat will relax. Stare at it though with a hard stare and it will send the wrong signal and the cat will probably find the nearest exit (unless you happen to be a mouse in which case it would attack with claws at the ready).

 

The reason many find eye contact so difficult is because it can provoke many different reactions in those making eye contact from love to reassurance to challenge. This is how many bar room brawls get started - someone unwittingly makes eye contact with the wrong person and all hell breaks loose. I believe with those on the spectrum that it is the inability to 'read' these signs that can quickly escalate situations because eye contact is maintained too long and the learned reaction to ensuing escalations is to not make eye contact at all because it simply isn't worth the risk of getting it wrong. It is a kind of learned survival mechanism which sadly operates also as a barrier to communication especially when it comes to things like dating.

 

With a love of routine it is almost a learned addiction. And so of course to increase eye contact you would have to get over the addiction of not making eye contact which may well be a very deeply ingrained addiction which has taken a life time to shape. But it is only an addiction nevertheless and every addiction can be overcome given sufficient willpower.

Edited November 18, 2012 by Mike_GX101

[Mannify]

Anyone else find you can make eye contact, but actually tear-up if eye-contact is prolonged, or if you become earnest while making eye contact? I always thought I just had over-active tear-ducts, but the issue is eye-contact related - and this is something I've realised since a conversation with a professional. I can make eye contact for a while, but then it actually makes me tear-up.

[robert7111a]

I'm fascinated by this topic. Yes, I often find if I engage in casual conversation with (particularly) somebody in authority, such as one of my doctors, my eyes start to well up. This is embarrassing and I have to pull a hanky out to pretend to blow my nose (and wipe my eyes at the same time)

 

I have finally realised why people are giving me funny looks or looks of hostility: I am looking at them for too long (i.e. seconds). The reason I look at people is to try and observe and learn non-verbal cues. I have also finally made my wife understand why I look at people - purely for the reason to observe their non-verbal body language. It is like a second (or foreign) language to me.

[raydon]

I remember as a child always being told "Look at me when I'm talking to you". Even now I never look at people when I'm talking to them, but I do stare when they're not looking. I find reading faces impossible, and eyes make me uncomfortable so it is easier to not look than be confused, so the tone of voice becomes the overiding signal.

 

Except when I was in danger of my life, I stared unblinking into the attackers eyes, I knew if I blinked he would strike, for when you blink you are momentarily blind, and vise versa if he blinked I could evade him. That was enough for him to back down and walk off cursing me. So there is a primeval instinct which overides the daily eye contact avoidance. It's a similar scenario to the cats as described by Mike.

 

I don't agree that it is an addiction, is it not down to a lack of confidence or self esteem and part of that "small talk" communication barrier?

 

[Mannify]

I'm fascinated by this topic. Yes, I often find if I engage in casual conversation with (particularly) somebody in authority, such as one of my doctors, my eyes start to well up. This is embarrassing and I have to pull a hanky out to pretend to blow my nose (and wipe my eyes at the same time)

 

Yay, Robert, I'm not the only one. Yeah, bloomin' embarrassing, isn't it? I sort of look away and roll my eyes in a certain way, and kinda change the subject, even if it isn't something about which I feel particularly emotional. And, yes, the 'importance' of the person doesn't help - another thing that happens sometimes is that I get a kind of 'flash' in my brain that's mainly grey but with yellow flecks in it, and it paralyses my thought and my mouth goes prohibitively dry. Sometimes I can pull it round, but sometimes the only remedy is to splash my mouth with water, which both sorts the dryness issue and simultaneously resets my brain, lol. I know that's kind of off-topic, but it occurs in similar circumstances to the tearing-up thing, although not usually together, lol.

 

Anyway, thanks Robert

[sesley]

I cant do eye contact,so to look like i am paying attention when people want to talk to me using eye contact,i look at something in there direction and i am listening ,but i cant do eye contact and they think i am taking in what they say and i am,but i am not locking on to there eye.Thats my strategy . i must have some of my sons autism traits,because its how i have always been