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Teresa

Unable to approach people

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Really angry after many week's of reminding T to get copy of her exam paper that she is resitting, she has now missed the dead line and is unable to get one. The reason i am so fed up is because when i have to remind her all the time, she get's really offish and hard work ie wont responed, which i can understand because i get fed up of hearing my own voice also, but we seem to get onwhere on this matter, it's not the first time it's happened. She hate's approaching people doesn't know what to say etc.. hate's talking on the phone it took me 3 week's to get her to remake a appointment at the hospital. And we do all the post it's and has a white board in her room which list thing's that she need's to do etc.. i am sat looking at this thinking what else can i do.

 

 

Teresa

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what age is T and what was this exam for?

 

I can understand where she is coming from about the unable to approach people or make phonecalls/appointments etc.

 

she probably gets 'offish and unresponsive' when you are nagging because you are nagging at her to do something that she finds almost impossible to do. i don;t think its because she doesn't like the sound of your voice. tho she probably does not want to hear you repeat what u have asked her to do when she is already streesed/worried about doing it.

(i think the nagging could just make things worse)

 

not sure what to advise really as i am unsure of the whole situation.

 

but hospital apointments etc could you not offer to help with the phonecall, i.e you make the actual call??

 

 

Edited by something_different

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Hi

 

Any advice is dependent upon age, but my son is nearly 8 (has AS). I'm trying to encourage him to do basic things such as if we're in a shop and he wants to buy something, I'll give him the money and we'll practice what he has to say. A lot of issues with him were down to anxiety ie not knowing what to say. I found practising has helped and he usually comes away with a big smile on his face knowing he's done something for himself. Practising what to say could work well for any age and perhaps social stories might help.

 

C.

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Sounds to me like selective silence or social phobia.

 

i know you don't mean for it to come out that way but very strong emotions mean i cannot remember what i've been told.

What about her homework diary? Or writing a note with her to hand to the teacher?

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what age is T and what was this exam for?

 

I can understand where she is coming from about the unable to approach people or make phonecalls/appointments etc.

 

she probably gets 'offish and unresponsive' when you are nagging because you are nagging at her to do something that she finds almost impossible to do. i don;t think its because she doesn't like the sound of your voice. tho she probably does not want to hear you repeat what u have asked her to do when she is already stressed/worried about doing it.

(i think the nagging could just make things worse)

 

not sure what to advise really as i am unsure of the whole situation.

 

but hospital appointments etc could you not offer to help with the phonecall, i.e you make the actual call??

 

i keep trying to tell my family that nagging and making a fuss will make it worse. This is especially true about showering.

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I can understand where she is coming from about the unable to approach people or make phonecalls/appointments etc.

 

she probably gets 'offish and unresponsive' when you are nagging because you are nagging at her to do something that she finds almost impossible to do. i don;t think its because she doesn't like the sound of your voice. tho she probably does not want to hear you repeat what u have asked her to do when she is already streesed/worried about doing it.

(i think the nagging could just make things worse)

 

not sure what to advise really as i am unsure of the whole situation.

 

but hospital apointments etc could you not offer to help with the phonecall, i.e you make the actual call??

I completely agree. This isn't an unwillingness (actually quite the opposite, I want to be able to do these things) or a little difficulty. It is a major fear/phobia that stops me from doing what I need to achieve. It is deeply distressing to see people doing things with ease that you know you should be able to do and for which there seems to be no rational reason you can't do them. Being nagged and given reminders to do them makes that fear intensify to a point you risk boiling over. You can't explain the difficulty to people, even those closest to you including family who understand ASDs, because it is something so incomprehensible. I've had the same in working with my therapist on making phone calls - she wasn't trying to be difficult or make things harder for me, but she simply couldn't comprehend the problem. Thankfully we have a very good relationship and when I blew (a little!) and just said I can't do it (and not in a give up way in a I really want to and I share the frustration and I'm hating myself right now way) it enabled us to take things further down in thinking about how to manage these skills.

 

I know that's not helpful and not a solution, but I do understand where your daughter is coming from and her reaction seems quite 'normal' in terms of ASDs and social phobia. I really wish I could help you and had the answers as I would be using them myself. I think the extent of such problems really isn't realised and if people who don't have such issues just spend one day thinking about the number of times they 'just go and chat to Mr...' or 'just give Mrs ... a quick call' etc, they may begin to realise how debilitating this is.

 

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It sounds like you're trying to encourage her to take steps to be independent. This is always a good thing, but maybe you need to take smaller steps. When someone pressures me to do things I find hard, I end up feeling guilty and stupid for not being able to do that thing, which makes me more anxious about doing it, and eventually I get upset and tell everyone to #### off.

 

With the phone calls, maybe she could listen to you making phone calls to get ideas of what to say. She could even listen in on a second phone so she can hear both sides of the conversation. You could help her prepare what to say.

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You hit the nail on the head Tally in what i am trying to do, and i take onboard what you said it made me think of how she feels when i'm nagging her all the time, I have backed off in the past to see if she can take control of what she need's to do, but she end's up doing nothing. I am not going to be around forever and she needs to be able to sort thing's out for herself, however difficult she find's it, that life. As for making her phone call's for her i stopped doing that when she turned 18, as i felt it was time to move her on, take charge of her own affairs with a little support form me. She came home from college today and we sat and chatted while she wrote an email to her tutor explaining that she missed the deadline for getting back her exam paper and was asking for more support etc.., she did that and took charge.

 

Teresa

 

 

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glad that u have had a chat about things now. tho writing an e-mail is 100 times easyer than approaching someone in person OR making a phonecall.

 

I still find making phonecalls very difficult, and I even have problems with talking to people I know well on the phone, e.g if my sister phones me.

 

If I do manage to make a call i spend loads of time thinking about it, planning it, working out what I should say, and i prefer to go off somewhere on my own to do it. So it doesn't surprise me it took her 3 weeks to do it.

What harm can it do to make the occasional call for her? because its something she will always have difficulty doing and will always cause a lot of stress.

I know because no one will make phonecalls for me, and while I do occasionaly have to make a phonecall, i will always try to avoid it if possible because of the stress it causes.

 

I have been left to do it on my own for years and its not got any easyer.

 

I do realise you want her to be independant, but life is a struggle as it is without adding to the stress.

 

 

though I could be totally wrong just offering my opinion.

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I know because no one will make phonecalls for me, and while I do occasionaly have to make a phonecall, i will always try to avoid it if possible because of the stress it causes.

 

ditto - and I am NT LOL. Phones are horrible things - so rude! It's like yelling in someone's ear "speak to me, speak to me, speak to me NOW" I always assume I am calling at the most inconvenient time:) I also regularly don't answer my phone when it rings - I'd rather pick up the message and text or email back....

 

I don't mind face to face meetings, but the internet/email is a wonderful thing :thumbs:

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T as a appointment tomorrow with learning support for her forthcoming exams ie: extra time/rest break's/laptop/quiet room in which to take exams, we have written a letter together explaining her need's or should i say she typed it as she much faster then me, which she will hand in tomorrow, hope that goes well for her.

 

Teresa

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T as a appointment tomorrow with learning support for her forthcoming exams ie: extra time/rest break's/laptop/quiet room in which to take exams, we have written a letter together explaining her need's or should i say she typed it as she much faster then me, which she will hand in tomorrow, hope that goes well for her.

I'm glad that seems sorted. I'm sorry I was a bit harsh earlier and in many ways I wish I'd had someone to help make me independent when I was younger. I just find it so difficult explaining these issues to others that when it seems that someone else is going through the same, it kind of gets to me.

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No problem Mumble I value your input as you say you have been through the same kinda thing, all reply's made me rethink my action's, which is what I need sometimes as I know I don't alway get it right, but I will keep trying.

 

Teresa

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hope things go well at the appointment at college tomorrow

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Appointment never happened, the person she was supposed to see was talking to someone, so this head of learning support person just flicked her hand for T to go away, she didn't even get a chance to open her mouth. Hope T will try again on monday, if not will wait to see what happens from the email she sent to her form tutor who is also deputy head.

 

Teresa

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awe thats a shame that the meeting didn't go ahead. hopefully any concerns will b in the e-mail and will be looked at.

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your daughter struggling find hard /difficult to speak on the phone is social anxiety disorder which can be closely linked and part of AS itself i find this task daunting myself even though i know telephone's can't harm me or bote feels that way when i rings i shake and panic fear rises up inside of me i know how weird and strange phobia is sounds it definetly real and there behind the scenes working it magic it so hard to explain in words how it is how gets you!

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You hit the nail on the head Tally in what i am trying to do, and i take onboard what you said it made me think of how she feels when i'm nagging her all the time, I have backed off in the past to see if she can take control of what she need's to do, but she end's up doing nothing. I am not going to be around forever and she needs to be able to sort thing's out for herself, however difficult she find's it, that life. As for making her phone call's for her i stopped doing that when she turned 18, as i felt it was time to move her on, take charge of her own affairs with a little support form me. She came home from college today and we sat and chatted while she wrote an email to her tutor explaining that she missed the deadline for getting back her exam paper and was asking for more support etc.., she did that and took charge.

 

Teresa

 

My family have always let me do things at my own pace bar one activity getting a shower in the morning. i need to have gentle reminders not being told that life is tough etc as that just scares me to death.

 

There should be an alternative way of making appointments like writing or emailing the doctors, what happened to NHS choose and book system?

 

i am unable to phone a certain company in my county. My nasty ex has worked for them and just hearing his voice in the background would be enough to upset me. i ended up missing a donna williams talk and ive wanted to meet her for a long time because of my fear of hearing my nasty ex.

 

There are books on autism and adolescence, yes i need less support from my family since ive moved out but i still need help with cooking, cleaning (that's a physical health issue mind you), understanding people, situations, writing emails so they aren't offensive, knowing when and how to end a friendship relationship, knowing what to wear, knowing if something's good value for money or not.

 

Many of us will need low level lifelong support to achieve education, work etc in our lives. (taking responsibility 2001 NAS report), when my home support is unsettling (usually during summer holidays) i rely on my gran more. But i will do favours for her in return.

 

Despite what is written in past literature, there is some evidence that "we feel others emotions too intensely to cope" so it's possible that strong emotions used in the urgency of your voice are preventing her from understanding. If loud voices are used or aggressive/strongly sounding tones i tend to think "i wish this pain would go away" and start going into my shell. i even was crying last Thursday and my online friends here haven't seen me cry ever.

 

You want whats best for your daughter i get that totally, but the speed in her learning skills that NTs take for granted (such as booking a doctors appointment) are picked up slower in autistics than NTs.

 

Alexis

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She hates approaching people doesn't know what to say etc.

T is not alone here; I hate doing that. It's ok in a formal situation where the other person HAS to listen, perhaps because they are a service provider, and where what I have to talk about is a matter of fact and absolute; but doing it where asking for something I don't have an absolute right to or that is ill defined is always difficult. I used to withdraw into my shell whenever mum wanted me to do things like that. Otherwise I'd just use the formula "Mum/Dad asks:...." and say "well if that sounds silly, it's because it IS silly asking me to do it". Ironically it was realising that at 43, I still couldn't do it as an adult that got me to see a doctor expecting some generic MH help and being dx with AS instead :o

 

"we feel others emotions too intensely to cope"

Yes I can certainly testify to that; family could never understand why I hated sitcoms or movies like them; I could always see the faux pas (that a character was going to make) several minutes in advance and hated feeling embarrased for them; wondering why people can be so stupid, even characters in a comedy.

 

 

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Martin

 

Well done for seeking outside advice and getting identified AS.

 

Alexis

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