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smiley1590

am i depressed ???

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as most of you know on here my nan has been terminally ill now for 3 years my nan had a fall friday early hours she couldn't get up on her own so pressed her emergency panic button she has around her neck the centre who deals with it called here and my parents went round and picked her up off the floor saturday night she couldn't move and leg hurt loads so she asked my mum to call 999 for an ambulance to come out she has always turned this request down in the past they had to put her on spinal board incase fractured pelvis /broken bones etc then her SATS level dropped rapidly so had to make it quick getting her out her house!

 

then on saturday my parents didn't get back from hospital until 6am next day sunday i was pacing the floors as anxiety was high oviosuly worrying like mad thinking what's happened then yestoday early hours of morning once again a call from hospital saying that my nan had 'taken turn for the worst' and wasn't expected to live to come say goodbye there and then my parents and family (aunt ,uncles, cousins etc) once again her SATS had dropped she trying to fight wearing the mask as uncomfortable all keeps saying is she had enough wants to die too much had enough of living now very sad situation all of this to witness etc

 

she has to wear tight mask to force air into her lungs open her airways as she has serious breathing condition COPD (chronic bronchitis and emphysema) before she went in couple weeks back doctor said her heart valve shutting down

 

my mum goes up hospital early and come back home for abit then goes back up evening

 

the doctors told my mum that she very sick lady she on a ward with 2 others as critcial care which is one down from ITU isn't it? the doctors want to put tube down her thorat so take over her breathing for her so one less battle struggle but they know she'll never wake up with what else she suffering from!!!

 

we been told she got a irratic heart rhythm docs have given her meds for it

 

every time she takes mask off her SATS drop so fast my nan grasps for air and ends up having panic attack because she can't catch her breathe!

 

our household worn down and tired as we one mainly involved in last 3 years as my mum was main carer /next of kin

 

it's so hard to watch someone you love and care about suffer and in pain but know it part of life just hard to admit and accept

 

my NAS support worker thinks i'm depressed she came round to see me today i had tears in my eyes , restless /twitchy anxious down low mood etc not sleeping eating well etc she thinks i should think about ' a pick me up' meds or seeing NAS pyschologist i'm so lost and confused like the world slowed down

 

i lost sense of reality and control grr... feels like emotional rollercoaster up down round and round .... don't know where you stand.....

 

just feel so helpless useless etc .... just waiting for phone to ring all time saying the worst which i know will come soon ... i only saw my nan friday before work i pop into she chatting away ... just overwhelming suffocating .....

 

XKLX

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Hi Smiley

 

Really sorry to hear about your nan. I'm new on here so didn't know. Its a difficult time for you and your family and I can't offer any advice to you really. Its natural to be feeling depressed and helpless as anyone would in your situation and I guess only you can decide if you need medication or some counselling. Sometimes it can help just to know others are thinking of you. And I am. And I'm sending you a big hug.

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i feel myself go downward spiral like everything in complete darkness utter despair and due to away for a week this saturday with my parents ,neice and brother don't know if that happen now need to get away all of us!

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Sorry to hear about your nan, Smiley.

 

>:D<<'>

 

It's normal to feel confused and stressed at a time like this. Having a break with your family might help to calm you.

Maybe your NAS worker is right and some kind of professional help would be a good idea if your depression is severe.

 

Take care

 

K x

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Smiley, It all depends on how long you have been feeling this way. Is it just bacause of your nan that you are experiencing these symptoms or has it been getting you down for a while. It sounds as if you are having a natural reactive episode to the situation, however, If it has been longer than four weeks then you maybe need some counselling or medication. Sometimes it can be helpful just to see you through the painful situation so that you do not dip down in mood any further. Go and speak with your doctor and tell him what is going on. He may advise that you see how things go for a week or two but it is better to at least start the ball rolling now before any nasty thoughts come into your head.

I would say that I hope your nan gets better but I think that may be a little silly so I wish you all the best and hope that the unbearable situation is resolved in the best way possible. I have had severe depression and it is awful so please take note and consider what I have said. I am also a 2nd year student nurse studying mental health if you are wondering how I can write so much on the situation.

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i am getting nasty thoughts i nearly sick or have upset tum wid anxiety docs said nan's SATS have risen and she bit brighter feel like a yoyo on a piece of string up and down driving me mental seriously! i want to deyn anything wrong that i'm feeling this way inside and that i can do this alone!!!

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Smiley, I'm so sorry to hear about your Nan, and that you're feeling so bad yourself.

Anyone in your situation would be feeling the thoughts you're feeling, so don't let it worry you unduly-it's normal, and it will pass.

But it sounds as if you might need some help to get past it, so why not call your NAS support worker and let her/him help you to get some extra support to see you through this tough time. Some counselling and maybe some gentle anti-depressants might be just enugh to help you.

Look after yoursef, Smiley, and don't be afraid to take the help that's offered.

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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the docs told my mum today it be weeks before she out of hospital if manages to pull through i am afraid to get the help and support offered i feel weak! and like a hypocondriac feels like i'm making it up as feel fine on min next min hits me again! so am i pretending i have depression? am i a faker? looking for attention? as i don't want to be! but does this mean i am! i know how stupid and silly this all sounds! but need to know everything's up in the air it such a complicated sticky horrid mess that can't escape or run from!!!

 

 

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feel like i'm trapped down a spiralling black hole no-one can reach me or save me my thoughts racing all the time and irrational thinking everyone staring at ME in the street down town judging me etc became paranoid /anxious feel like want to 'run away' from everything day to day thinking of what next in my family life affecting us deeply my mum stressed out completely everythings getting on top of us!!! feel like bursting into tears all time feel upset angry etc like i'm grieving over a 'seriously ill living lady' then she ain't passed over yet! so weird strange way makes think and feel you never feel secure know exactly where you are what you doing how things going to be! mucks around with my AS head too aswell MH probs ... feel like no one can hear me even my NAS support worker as good as she is feels a million miles away from reality i have work so put on smiles laughs etc it all fake over like with parents etc i block out pain with hurting myself trying punish myself in million ways possible sorry keep moaning feel pathetic , stupid cry baby ..... XXX

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Smiley, you're not pathetic, nor are you a cry baby. You've been through an awful lot this year already and this is another very stressful situation.

What you're describing sounds to me like depression and anxiety, and this is very difficut to deal with on your own. However, with the right support, you can very quickly regain control over those runaway thoughts.

I was feeling exactly what you've dscribed a few months ago, and it took me ages to finally 'give in' and accept the medication offered by my doctor.

I also had some counselling, which was a great help, but at first, like you with your NAS support worker, I felt as though I was putting on an act for her, and she was far removed from where I was. As the medication started to take effect, I started to feel more like myself, and really started to connect with her.

I was worried that the medication would make me like a 'zombie', but it hasn't: I still cry at sad things, but not uncontrollably at everything, and I can also now laugh at funny things, which I wasn't able to do before!

Please talk to someone about this, Smiley, and let them help you through it.

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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i feel i can control should do this on my own the docs trying to wean my nan very slowly off mask in day to less regular periods and wear it at night! my nan's SATS levels are stable she improved abit as mum told me she moaning about everything feels like i'm at times grieving for 'normal' person she once was abled bodied nan that been taken from us robbed my nan can be quite difficult at times and demanding which stressful for my mum so my mum agreed to go on hols for week away with my dad, me ,my 4 year old neice and twin brother feels like my emotions and feelings don't exist aren't real not there hidden! i keep thinking what do i need want help for? this whole thing feels like a fanasty world and like days pass us by as a family unit hopefully this break will give us chance we need spend some quality time together!

 

my mum had fixed belief system now in place due to bad experiences/situations now everytime we go down to norfolk something bad happens at home like people getting seriously ill/dying relatives ( my grandad, my great uncle and aunt) this seems stick like glue she can't fully relax with that at back of her mind never fully 'switch off' so she there sometimes in physical person but not in mental! i feel like it' made up story to 'trick' me my mind plays games with my thinking i seem up at the moment but do come crashing down with a bump!

 

spoke my auntie (my dad's sister) she lives in hertfordshire 1 hour away from us she sent me post saying " thinking of your nan, my thoughts are with you lv you lots xxxx made it real put into reality my auntie was hoping come down this weekend and see us but cause goign away for weeks hols she can't but she said if nan stays stable don't get any worse when we come back from hols she'll pop down and catch up properly! as seen her once since my other nan died 5 months ago so all we have is postings on social networking site isn't same as in reality! i miss her loads!

 

everytime she faced with death she 'bounces' back not to normal but comes back to moaning state! but don't know what to believe where you stand what to think/feel? how to be?

 

i have no security no structure no routine that throws me into mental/emotional turmoil at times over what to do about it i hate feeling 'out of control' helpless!

 

feel like 'a liar' making excuses lame not right etc just keep going over things! now brought back raw emotions/feelings grieving process all over for my other nan hard going to face!

 

i need calm quiet peaceful time which this hols place so brings but then bring back memories of when my nan came hols with us one time ( passed away one) and one's that ill but at least got hold on to happy memories there at home nothing of the sort just nightmare replayed then still then off it goes again....! when will it end? for family too intense! everyone saying how tired my mum looks she got no energy whatsoever!

 

can't wait to know we got there without nothing happening and hopefully saying that way fingers crossed! dragged on too long not that i wish my nan dead! as love my nan to pieces everything to me my family! just so hard difficult to accept and take getting worse each day aspect of downhill slope it taking her down!

 

stuck in middle you think it's going ok then wham something else 'hits' you gets too much altogether! like where that come from!...? left puzzled wondering feeling guilty bad horrid ... etc !

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i now home today we just drove back back to reality nan getting 'itchy feet' to come out of hospital and come home discharge herself but while my mum away with us on hols she asked my auntie and uncle ring up hospital and have meeting with the lady doctor and say that extra support help and care needs to be added to her package and needs to be re assessed before anything else happens ASAP ( O.T's/PT's ,social services rocket team /COPD team)!!! so much involved it's not just a case of letting her go loose she needs medications ready she needs to be have stable SATS levels as she keeps trying without CPAP mask but keeps failing and has to have back on again she has low oxygen levels and high carbon dioxide levels within blood stream which poisonous gas if held too long within lungs!!! everythings so complex through her individual needs

 

she been moaning and grumpy to my BIG sister, my auntie and uncle she very stubborn and lying through her teeth to doctors about care and support she gets at home to get out quicker what she doesn't realise she holding it up even longer the process she needs to go through before anything can happen properly! she thought she'd be out today so she NOT best pleased she begging and pleading doing anything she can put them on her side! she doesn't know my auntie and uncle had meeting with doctor! my nan badly bruised her pelvis and one stage the doctors thought she'd done worse damage and broken it but then think brusing heal in time! the hospital said they not willing to supply my nan with CPAP mask as she'll say she'll wear it to get out of there but won't when get home be different story altogether! my mum said my nan acts like a little child throwing tantrum when someone said NO she throws a fit! stinking one at that!

 

she thinks my mum can still do this on her own again once she comes out my mum's going to tell her straight it CAN'T and WON'T be happening as my mum got health problems herself which becoming rapidly worse caring for my nan! ( stress angina, spine /back/knee probs ME ) the list endless my mum needs more carers in and out of her house as work load stepping up increasingly each day! three years shows care deciation and love my nan can say hurtful cruel wicked things statements which can dig at my mum my mum reached a point of 'no return' she wasn't expecting this to last three years as is thought months not wishing her gone though! just hard work effort everyday!

 

my nan 'funny colour' due to low oxygen levels but when oxygen increased she 'perks up' within herself!

 

my mum pretending we ain't back off hols until tommorrow so that she can have no more night peace and quiet really to herself tommorrow she got a BIG meeting with aunties and uncles to discuss nan care etc but my aunties and uncles speak the talk but don't carry out the 'walk the walk' my mum's fed up people take advantage of her good nature!

 

 

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had some really sad news my nan passed away at 25 past 7 in the morning she fought for 3 years with her terminal illnesses such strong willed lady determined stubborn and missed SO DAMN MUCH!!! i brought her teddy with a hat on saying 'nan' on it which beside her on cabinet that being brought home so i can keep that my nan loved it!!! been broke as nurse knocked it off! LOVE U NAN XXX RIP with grandad NOW PLZ! say hello to him from me! i lost two nan within months of eachother so hard and difficult!

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Really sorry to hear your nan passed away this morning. It sounds like she fought hard. Now she can rest.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

T x

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I'm so sorry to hear about your Nan, Smiley.

It must have been very difficult for you all to see her in such pain and having such difficulties breathing.

You are right, you have had lot to deal with in the last few months.

Look after yourself. X >:D<<'>

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i couldn't sleep last night can't eat much my mum and dad been talking and both agreed we ( me and my twin brother) can attend my nan's funeral don't know when it is yet the funeral directions ringing my mum on her mobile today to start the ball rolling everything in process! it's the first funeral we both been to before so bit scared and anxious to know what to expect etc my mum and uncle have gone round to my nans house to sort out her important documents which they need to inform appropriate people my mum's got so much to do bless her! my mum's gone into 'overdrive mode' for abit to get everything organised we all think my mum fall apart after the funeral as this been my mum's daily routine for 3 long drawn out years so going to be strange weird at a loss really after caring someone close !

 

my mum's had alot of texts and phone calls 3 visitors so far 2 of her best m8s and my uncle my aunt taken it bad big time my mum's got lots flowers cards support around her just worrying me about state she in at the moment though everyone's said even herself it's how she copes with grief then breaks down afterwards she did this when her dad passed away my nan's been cremated with my grandad she owns the plot of land beside my grandad! and my aunt sorting out a photo of them two together to put on the grave as that's what my nan wanted!!! roughly she's got 60-70 people attending approx numbers at the moment my mum wants proper soon so she can sort out food etc

 

i keeping my nan ornament i brought china mini teddy saying nan at the bottom she told everyone i brought it! my uncle great uncle a cleaner knocked it and chipped abit of hat off it my nan weren't pleased at all cause i brought it for her!

 

 

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Please as hard as it is going to be able to do it, try as much as you can to look after your basic needs, eat, even if its soup and bread, try to hydrate as much as possible, but keep off the alcopops, and if you can get some sleep, even naps during the day, you need to keep your body functioning, when sleep and food go out for me, Im in big trouble so just sharing with you the importance of looking after yourself.

 

Is there anywhere your nan liked walking, walking really helps, vist the coast, countryside and walk with nature.

 

It is going to be a really emotional journey the loss you have experiences is a lot to go throw, it will be really painful but go throw the process as much as possible, you will get throw this, ive read enough of your posts to know your a strong young lady and I know your Nan would say the same, write to her, talk to her, her spirit is still around you, if she saw you right now she would ensure you looked afterself, she would ensure you ate and slept when its clear your body needs it.

 

If it all gets too much ensure your safe and get help straight away.

 

I really do send you my deepest sympathies and I will light a candle for your nan as this gives light and peace.

 

All best for now.

 

God bless JsMumxxx

 

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my mum been on phone all day ringing round everyone important people who need to know personal details of my nan etc she work her way down a whole long list!!! my mum,sister and uncle registered my nan's death got death certificate signed my senior doctor as only juniors on weekends so had to wait until today to get that! had to pick her false teeth from hospital to give to undertakers!

 

had undertakers downstairs with my mum,auntie and 2 uncles saying what my nan requested and her wishes at her own funeral songs hymns etc my auntie and uncle are in such a bad mess and state just don't know what to say incase say something wrong to upset them!

 

her funeral on this friday at 12.45am so got to ring work and say i won't be in that day! mum had 2 more friends bring round flowers and cards! she got them everywhere in vases got no more left now! lol hope no one else turns up with them which probably will do! my nan being cremated with my grandad next to him! my mum GOING to TRY read out a smile poem my nan liked and wrote down!!! and do a speech aswell maybe see how she feels on the day if feels up to doing it! she having 'because you loved me' by celine dion in way in on way out last song my nan and grandad danced to in their living room before my grandad died 'lady in red' chris de burgh

 

the vicar said my nan asked to see him quite few times made him laugh! no-one knew in my family this had happened my nan wasn't religious really! but when you know terminal different situation there! all grandchildren spliting costing of having NAN in red and white flowers there about 5 of us wanting to do that! my mum going down florists to order them as need to be ready for then! a load my family comin up from london! we making a booklet with her photo ,name date of birth /death on front inside order of service etc me and my brother it's our first funeral we ever been to at all! my cousin doing the booklet making it up on computer!!!

 

XKX

 

 

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Sorry to hear about your Nan, Smiley. I'm sure the funeral will be a fitting tribute to her and will help you all to express how much you loved her.

 

Take care of yourself this week, >:D<<'>

 

K x

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Thinking of you smiley.

My mum died five years ago this week so reading your last post brought back lots of memories of this time .

Karen.

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feel really tired but can't sleep got work 4-6pm tommorrow and thursday rang work today and spoke to deputy manager as boss wasn't there at the moment so she said no worries about friday it no problem and she said i didn't feel up to coming in it was ok! but need to keep busy!

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feel really tired but can't sleep got work 4-6pm tommorrow and thursday rang work today and spoke to deputy manager as boss wasn't there at the moment so she said no worries about friday it no problem and she said i didn't feel up to coming in it was ok! but need to keep busy!

your body may need to be busy but emotionally and mentally you need peace and calmness, a good walk may help you feel more tired, but you do need to rest, you cant underestimate the emotional trauma your going throw, I bet your nackered, get some fresh air, a good hours walk and then relax with music or a sloppy dvd and take care of yourself as much as possible.

 

I am thinking about you, remember we do care and we want you to be safe and get throw thisxxxx

 

JsMumxxx

 

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the vicar coming round today at 4pm i chosen my funeral clothes my nan probably be in the death section of our local newspaper today flowers have been ordered from my uncle got peach MUM , my auntie has got the gates of heaven like she got with my grandad when he died!,my other uncle having his specially made and won't tell us got wait until friday the day of it! and my mum got a book which is red and white and 7 of the gradchildren including my sister and me and my younger /older cousins have all chipped in to by NAN which red and white flowers

 

got more sympathy cards today keep coming through the post everyday! it crazy! my mum has shoot off everyday still alot to do today she had to finish off cleaning my nan's house as we setting off (close family) from there on friday at 11ish we wrote on our card to go in the flowers "we'll never forget you ,memories last a lifetime" really hard to think of what to put that short and sweet but saying what you want to say! she has got a song playing when when we go in 'because you loved me' by celine dion and on way out 'lady in red' by chris de burgh as last dance my nan and grandad danced to in front room when knew my grandad was terminal!

 

 

c

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my mum got to the buy the food for the wake with my uncle and drop it off later at her best mates up the road as she helping her out doing it by cooking at work in big ovens! friday mornin at half 7 am my auntie ,my mum and my mum's best mate making sandwiches for it too!

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had the funeral y2dai all went well good for her hard to see coffin there knowing the one you love in it and you never going to see them physically again i cried abit my twin brother who i had gold of his arm to guide hom to his seat broke down my mum had to come to him. i still felt very much numb mixed up everything keeps going round in my head alot feel like suffocating yet empty blank my parents know i been acting 'not myself' strange weird i break down at night she had too personal emotional songs played and prayers and seems as it our first funeral think it hits us deeper and harder but if i hadn't gone would hev felt guilty all close family met outside her house first the met up at the crem saw the hurst pull up and funeral car behind my dad had my brother arm and one my close family friend had my arm she could see i was anxious upset just keep staring it's like i wasn't there hard seeing my mum and rest my family cry i don't how i feel and think or where to go from this point! feel 'out of control' trying to be strong feel like i'm melting yet invisible yet want to be shut away as feel like shutting down!!!

 

finding hard put into words and talk it over keep locked it! she wanted to be with my grandad she told the vicar and also the notes (poems) she left for us family explained this since he died she was never the same her world fell apart a huge gaping hole left at least she not suffering i feel selfish to have my mum back after 3 years knowing she hasn't got a mum anymore i havn't got a nan any grandparents left and feel i havn't had enough time or energy to grieve over one left alone two so close yet people said i better off with it happening like this maybe give me the chance to do both together! i so lost confused over everything been a week! week's been a blur she was in newspaper i know grieving process varies just don't know what to do with myself trying to keep busy but still feel missing out of reality!!!

 

 

my mum's now got paperwork to sort flowers she had was lovely ashes are being put in grave plot at monday on 12pm my aunt and uncles going and parents to that!!! then

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Hi Smiley, it sounds as if you coped really well with the funeral. Well done, you. It's a very hard situation, isn't it? I know just what you mean about having that 'unreal' feeling. I've felt like that before at funerals.

It seems so strange to be doing this momentous thing (saying goodbye to a loved and dear one), and yet still having everyday thoughts (like 'did I leave the gas on?', or 'I wonder who'll go from XFactor tonight')...it's almost as if those everyday things have no place on such an important day, but they do, and it's perfectly normal to have them. I think this is what people mean when they say 'Life goes on...'.

My Dad died this time of year 7 years ago. I remember standing in my Mum's conservatory watching the bonfire and fireworks at the pub down the road. We could hear all these screams and shouts of delight and happiness, and I thought 'How can anyone be so happy, and carefree, when someting so HUGE has just happened?' I felt as though nothing would ever be the same again, and, of course, it hasn't been. But things do get better, and you get used to that person not being there, even though you miss them dreadfully.

Smiley, if you feel like you're fine, maybe you're dealing with it, and you are fine. You've done really well on here, describing your feelings and working through them, so hopefully you will just keep feeling ok. Sometimes, we expect to feel a certain way, and it's a bit of a surprise to find we don't. But keep looking after yourself, and allow yourself to feel whatever comes along. You're still very vulnerable after what's happened, and you can expect to go up and down.

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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think is i'm trying to convince myself i'm fine when things feel out of control unstable more than ever it scarying me alot my MH getting worse i can feel it in my head like could 'explode' literally just keep going back on it for some reason like i say just so confused lost etc having AS just complicates things further in my head thinking am i been paranoid over the whole situation am i blowing it of proportion alot more than it is making it a BIG deal? my self harm has increased ..... feel bad guilty horrid if i wasn't an autistic granddaughter maybe could have saved my nans from dying sounds stupid this how i thinking i can't sleep restless over thinking as usual don't know what to do with myself .....

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just want the world to stop and let me grieve i walking around struggling to work out what's happened i feel such a let disappointment to everything i pretending i'm fine and coping the world caving in on me literally i struggling to maintain a smile and not scream run away or burst out crying as i could right now

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Smiley, you really must get help to deal with these feelings you are having. can you talk to your mum? I know she's grieving to, but she would not want you to be getting yourself in a state and not letting her know, I'm sure.

Maybe you could go to the doctor, or your support worker, and let them know you're not ok.

If your self-harming is getting worse, you need professional help to help you to deal with it. Please don't feel that you have to pretend to be ok when you're not. You really have to get some help.

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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i went up to grave with my NAS support worker on our session on tuesday we looked at her flowers they've kept well from the flowers being made last thursday! i kept staring it space saying i can't digest both nans deaths within a year been like a bomb 'exploding' been too much such a shoclk i've got NO grandparents left and that runs deep to know that! i normally go round to my nan's house late morning /early afternoon to see her chat to her watch TV with her keep her company! it's so hard to break the routine i'm used to so until i get over that 'missing link' feel can't grieve over her! i feel so selfish to have my mum back when my nan now 'gone'

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my connexions worker wants me to making an appointment to see a GP before i see her next tuesday i'm torn i DO but i DON'T cause i so up and down it affecting my concentration at work my boss and other workers are 'picking up ' on how much it affecting me but trying to 'get on with it' put brave face on it! i feel like i'm letting my nan down by feeling down and low as she always said don't cry or be sad over me when i'm gone i feel like i killed her personally my NAS support worker said wasn't my FAULT and try not to point blame towards myself but told me probably makes it easier to face somehow!!! i want to keep busy at work find myself 'in a haze and a fog' children screaming shouting makes me angry annoyed irratating!!! find hard to be around people in general

 

XKLX

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i feel such a 'con' a 'faker' going to GP what for grieving how that right i feel like i'd be wasting there time i only cry at nights it gets worse then as have 'thinking time' i listen to emotional songs that describe how things are with the words lhave sense of meaning like hurt - christina Aguilera i been told my another NAS support worker to admit when things get too much not to rush grieving process and sometimes not to put a brave face on it!

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at work today i couldn't stay still had to keep busy but can't explain feel more to it than that hard put into words one my workers said "slow down you have a heart attack" i don't know why this was or what could be? i was talking really fast? cleaning and kept from one job to next not normally this bad at all? anyone put answers to the gaps i don't know?!

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