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Sooze2

Going to ask Teacher to give my son a time out

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Just wondering if I am doing the right thing.

 

DS is slipping back into his "can't be bothered" attitude ways and it is really getting to me. For part of his homework this week he had to write a letter to his hero, first he couldn't think of a hero, I gave him some ideas. Then he didn't know what to write so I looked him up on wikipedia and found loads of info for him to write about. He still couldn't be bothered to write anything down, we got to the stage where he wrote "you are my hero because" last night by which time it was time for bed - 9.30. Tonight he has been out and done things with his freind and started homework when he got home but still couldn't be bothered and said he didn't know anything about the person, looked it all up again. I started writing things down for him to copy and he still couldn;t be bothered :wallbash:

 

I told him to add to what I had writen which wasn't much because his attitude was getting to me and he couldn't be bothered and sat messing around with the pen so I just told him to add Yours sincerely to what he had copied. He then started stropping and saying that he didn't know how to write a capital Y because no one had taught him!!!! :wallbash: He's 10! It was almost 10pm by this time!

 

Ive decided to ask the teacher to give him a time out because he can't be bothered to do his homework, he has a bad attitude and expects me to sort it all out for him so he doesn't get told off at school. I spend ages doing his maths with him which I don't mind because he needs the help there but this is over and above the call of duty don't you think. I have 2 other children to help and they haven't done their homework which needs to be handed in tomorrow also because I spend so much time with him! Am I really supposed to sit and do his homework for him, if so what is that point of it.

 

Anyway, back to the original question, should he get a timeout for being lazy and attitude king. Will he every learn if he keeps getting away with it? Am a just a very hard parent?

 

I am very worried we are heading back to where we were last year where he would tantrum for ages over homework which is something I won't ever go through again.

Edited by Sooze2

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Anyway, back to the original question, should he get a timeout for being lazy and attitude king. Will he every learn if he keeps getting away with it? Am a just a very hard parent?

 

I am very worried we are heading back to where we were last year where he would tantrum for ages over homework which is something I won't ever go through again.

 

 

Is your school supportive? Sometimes schools may see it as you loosing control if you ask them to sanction him. There is a book called Children are from heaven, its quite a good book and they speak of rewards a great deal? were you able to tell your son for instance, that he could not go and see his friend unless he has done his work?

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He really isn;t bothered about rewards, he will actually do the opposite of what you are asking if there is a reward at the end of it. If I had stopped him seeing his freind he still wouldn't have done his homework so it wouldn't have worked - tried that many times before.

 

I think his teacher will be supportive because the other parents think she is too strict and started the year with firm boundaries which parents haven't liked. I think my son needs that level of authority but gets away with some things because he has a diagnosis, he is very manipulative and will use this to his advantage.

 

I want to stop enabling him when it comes to his written homework because he refuses to do it unless I am siting next to him telling him what to write and since I went into school last week and saw what he is now capable of (amazing progress!!!) I feel it is now time for me to back off and let him see the concequences of him fighting the system. If he can do the work but CHOSES not to surely he is responsible for it, not understanding is one thing but he is making a free choice to be a pain in the bum and that is the bit I don't like. I've got to this stage before where me and his teachers have joined forces and we have all seen that he was playing us and stood by grinning like a chesher cat as we discussed what he had been up too! He's a sly one is my boy!

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Hi

 

It looks like you are doing all you can to help him do his homework by researching and spending time with him, but perhaps there needs to be a shift from homework being a negative experience to a positive one. Getting the school to punish him on your behalf will get you nowhere in the future and is just passing the buck.

 

We have developed an sort of quasi-reward system that works for us. All our children have morning jobs and DS's job is to empty the dishwasher. This is something he doesn't enjoy but he knows he gets pocket money by way of a reward at the end of the week for 'helping' and 'trying hard' etc. If he has extra homework or spellings to do, we will trade his dishwasher job for spelling practice in the morning before school. He is also allowed 30 mins 'screen time' on school nights, ie internet games/PSP/Wii. If there is a bit of homework that needs doing and he does it without complaint, and does his best, he can gain extra screen time. He will often want to homework in order to generate screen time. The boundaries are also quite clear. No 'screen time' at all until the homework is completed - or at least attempted (there are some evenings his head is not in the right place and it becomes obvious that pushing him will just cause distress, so it is left for another day - which he and us agree to.)

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Thing is, they would have punished him long before now if I hadn't kept stopping it from happening by doing most of it for him!

 

This is the boy who was banned from the playstation and TV for 2 months due to constant bad behaviour and attitude and still didn't care! I think I will give your suggestions a go and see how we get on, mornings are out though - mornings are not my strong point!

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Sometimes children get rebellious and some experts reckon that this resistance is actually good becuase they need to assert themselves. Like everything you know your child more than any1 in this world. Sorry if this seems nosy, how does Ds react with Dad? maybe he could help. Also with DS condition it means he may have not made the connection of why he needs homework, coz i gather he is clever. work is for school and home is for play. One thing that may help is when he comes in from school, he has a drink and get cracking with the homework, and i can appreciate the homework can be heavy going sometimes and with the twins it cant be easy. Perhaps you are better to ask for the sanction at school, but as some1 has pointed out you dont want him to feel that you are not in control. keep at it.

 

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Thanks mygifts, good idea to do the homework as soon as we get in. A teacher told me not to do this because they needed to unwind but I agree with you, I could then say that when homework is done then he can do what he wants rather than him starting to relax and then having to start work again which I think may be the problem. We usually go to the park after school so they can unwind so they should be ready to start again when they get home. I will do that when we get the next lot.

 

Thing is he knows I am in control and he knows I always follow through with what I say, he is just rebeling which he always does after a few weeks back at school, but this time I know he can do the work where as before he couldn't which is why there is no room for negosiasion (spelling?) now.

 

Dad is a non starter, he has absolutely no patience with DS and homework, they just wind each other up - they are very similar. Dad had huge problms with school and refused to do homework resulting in his mum giving up on him by the time he was 8, we think he is dyslexic and he will spend more time telling the children how the English language is fundamentally flowed because of the spelling of words than actually doing anything!!! :rolleyes: He's lovely but not a great help with this sort of thing which is why I come here and ask silly questions :wacko:

Edited by Sooze2

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For what it's worth, we have half half an hour of wind down then do tea/homework - the order depending on how hungry he is. F is not allowed to play on his x-box unless he has done his homework. There is no negotiation about it, that's just the way it is. The pattern has to be the same every day or F can't cope and won't do it at all.

 

Speaking as a teacher, I think it's fine to help with what he finds difficult, eg, finding a hero to write about or explaining maths but the rest has to be left to him. The whole point of homework is learning to work independently. If he doesn't do it then send him into school without it and let him face the consequences. If there are no consequences - ask why as school should be chasing this up and making him catch up at break time This sounds harsh on him but I don't think it's fair for you and your daughters to become stressed because of what your son is choosing to do (or not do)! It will be far worse by secondary.

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hi all ,my situation is slightly different as my dd is 13,but shes not been at school for 18 months and even trying to get her to do work at home is nigh on impossibe:wallbash: she is so wrapped in her own world,but we did have a big blow up a while back because things came to a head and she wouldnt do the work that a home ed teacher had set her,we took tv ,comp the things she loves away and it was awful ( there is a posting from me a while back re it) and the same as other people have experienced it doesnt work it makes no difference,so i came to the conclussion to punish her didnt help.but when we finally talked it was english she was to do ,and whilst at primary school we didnt think she had any problems and the teachers there never mentioned anything,my dd finally said she just couldnt do it because it was having to give her opinion and she said it was too confusing. :robbie: so weve spent ages going round in circles just to find she cant do it,she is bright and there is still hope i am now considering home education but have to look into it more,but punishing didnt work and she did seem to relax when i said forget it :thumbs: saying that boys are different to girls so this is just my opinion and as said she is older than your ds,but hope it sorts and also found i relaxed more so could be worth a try if only for your own sanity >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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I think you need to ask to see the school's Homework Policy to see what's expected. I'm pretty sure the policy will not say the parent has to spend many hours supervising homework. I also have a hunch that the avoidance tactics are to disguise the fact that he finds it too difficult.

 

I would change the routine and have a word with the teacher to agree what is an acceptable period of time to spend cajoling, then when the time is up put the books away. Whether it is finished or not will decide what is permitted for the rest of the day. If you have some very clear rules and stick to them it should get better.

 

However if he is still struggling after a while then maybe the homework should be set at an achievable level.

Edited by call me jaded

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I really can't remember who posted this a while back, but someone had a similar problem to yours as regards sanctions/rewards, and the person (Bid? Jaded?)replied saying turn it around...instead of saying 'you can't go out until you've done your homework,' say 'when you've done your homework, then you can go out,'. That way, it's not a threatening thing, it's a positive.

I try to do this with everything now, and it really works with my very defiant and manipulative little man!

 

I also totally agree with the other posters...homework is for the child, not the parent. If your child needs some support with it, try to support him without actually doing it. If you find he can't (or won't, but who knows which it is, sometimes!) do it, write this on the sheet, sayng how long you've spent, and what he was able to do, and leave it at that. Let school decide if he was capable of doing it, and deal with him accordingly, since it's they who set the work in the first place, they must know what they expect back.

 

Good luck! :thumbs:

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Speaking as a teacher, I think it's fine to help with what he finds difficult, eg, finding a hero to write about or explaining maths but the rest has to be left to him. The whole point of homework is learning to work independently. If he doesn't do it then send him into school without it and let him face the consequences. If there are no consequences - ask why as school should be chasing this up and making him catch up at break time This sounds harsh on him but I don't think it's fair for you and your daughters to become stressed because of what your son is choosing to do (or not do)! It will be far worse by secondary.

 

Thanks for the teachers perspective, I think the problem here is the lack of consequences at school. I know he has difficulties but he needs to know that he has to try which is what the problem has always been, he will fight till he's blue in the face, I will tell him he will get a timeout if he doesn't do it and then nothing happens which means he knows he can get away with it. Being punished for doing your best is wrong but when you can't even be bothered to pick up a pencil then that is out of order. Now that his anger (adhd) is under conroll I need to make sure I stop helping him for hours and let him decide IF he wants to do the work and make sure the teacher punishes him if he doesn't just as you say. I should have sent him to school with nothing today instead of getting him to copy what I had written for him especially since he went to bed really late because of it - it's no good at all!

 

I'm trying to instill somesort of work ethic into him but in my opinion the school are far too soft on the kids which isn't going to help them at all in the long run. I'm so old fashioned aren't I!

 

Oh, I also understand that he may not know what a Hero is etc but he has written some very imaginative things at school lately, poems, stories etc which I read last week so I know he can do it. He's a great manipulator and I think he has been pulling the wool over everyone's eyes a wee bit too long!

 

Thank yo all for your helpful replies, you are all wonderful.

Edited by Sooze2

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The pattern we have is, in from school, tea (dinner or what ever you call your evening meal in in you part of the world), then home work. Then play, he doesn't do telly or electronic games, not interested.

Home work is set three times a week (Year5).

Some days he will do his homework spontaneously, Some days we have to remind him, Some days we have to insist.

It clearly says that homework should take no more than 20 minuets, so if after that time he wants to carry on fine, if not I just write 'run out of time' at the bottom of the page and that's it. We give him help, but do not do it for him, I have to admit that some days it is an unreadable page of nonsense but if that is what he wants to take in then its up to him, Iv told him as much.

 

I had to laugh when morning jobs were mentioned, our morning job is eating breakfast and getting dressed. I get up at 7.30 (or come in from work) and I'm lucky if he is ready to go out to school at 8.40, then its a mad mile+ dash down to the school for 8.55.

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Ha Ha, yes put it this way, at 8.40 this morning 2 of my children were in the shower. At 8.54 I was plaiting their hair, luckily we live next to the school - all the children were in school when we got there at 8.56 but luckily the door was still open so we could sneek in just in time! That about sums up my morning routine! I run a tight ship, everything is timed to the nearest mili second and the sudden need for a poo or the loss of the hair brush throws us out! Its just a shame my timings don't start a little earlier in the morning really eh! :lol:

Edited by Sooze2

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everything is timed to the nearest mili second

 

Id love to be able to do that but when breakfast can take anything up to half an hour it don't work, Each spoonful is pondered and contemplated for an eternity before being eaten, now when I say spoonful I mean each corn flake or whatever it is that day, it can take 10 minuets to get an answer about what he want for breakfast in the first place and the amount? its what you or me would eat in one mouthful but no point in putting more in the bowl, if you do he just ends up not eating anything at all. And then there is getting dressed, I wont go there. lets just say that by the time I leave him at the school gate I am completely shattered.

 

Back to the original post.

 

I try not to expend any energy on doing homework, life is hard enough already.

Edited by chris54

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Re the great work done at school...how much support does he get to do it? You are not a TA and I do wonder if homework should be differentiated for the disability..it's just not fair on the parents. Try what you can but I agree,write down about the attempt then leave it.Yes maybe he could do a bit at lunchtime but I still think it should be lessened if the child is not in the usual structured lesson with the usual support...just my opinion..

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Id love to be able to do that but when breakfast can take anything up to half an hour it don't work, Each spoonful is pondered and contemplated for an eternity before being eaten, now when I say spoonful I mean each corn flake or whatever it is that day, it can take 10 minuets to get an answer about what he want for breakfast in the first place and the amount? its what you or me would eat in one mouthful but no point in putting more in the bowl, if you do he just ends up not eating anything at all. And then there is getting dressed, I wont go there. lets just say that by the time I leave him at the school gate I am completely shattered.

 

Back to the original post.

 

I try not to expend any energy on doing homework, life is hard enough already.

 

Sorry Chris, I was was joking :thumbs: . My place sounds very much like yours in the morning which is why we only get mili seconds to get the final shoes/coat/hair part of events done in time for the school door closing in our faces and getting a late ticket most mornings. Someone always wants a poo, can't find tie, spills breakie all over clothes, is sick due to trying to shove too much in their mouth or cries and goes slower due to me asking them politley (DS) to walk a bit quicker than a slug while finding shoes/tie/jumper. I ask DS "can't you see what time it is" to which he replies "the teacher didn't teach us how to tell the time" which isn't true but he decideds to start a debate over that blah blah blah. Then DD decides that she wants to stay with me just before we enter the school building and starts crying loudly thus announcing to the teachers that we are sneaking in very quietly and can usually get away with it because their Surname begins with a W so are last to be called on the register but by the time I have dragged her to the door the other 2 are in but she has to get a late ticket due to being locked out which takes at least 10 minutes because the secretary seems to be pretending to be busy doing something important but is really laughing at how late she is making us even though we weren't actually late at all because it was all timed to perfection!!! Silly woman, its always her fault I'm late! :whistle:

 

As a cereal late/just in time person the art of rushing cup is mine. If I get up early (rarley) we still rush due to me saying we have loads of time. I was born a night bird so have spent all my life oversleeping you see, I tried one of DS's menatonin once but it didn't work! Also having spent 9 years with DS not sleeping I now don't know how to go to bed when tired due to spending so very long being tired I think that is how normal people feel so ignore it!

 

OMG now that was a proper ramble wasn't it!

 

 

Portia - Ive not thought about it like that before and think that you are probably right. Also if he's not surrounded by his class mates working he may not be so inspired to do it. Anyway I have spoken to the TA about it (not his because she's never around!) and she agrees that he is out of order and trying it on a bit so we'll go with him giving it a fair go but if he just has the "Can't be bothered" attitude that is when he will get a time out. xx

Edited by Sooze2

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