going out!!!

[jlogan1]

i am still very new to all this but wondered if anyone has any advise or is going through the same thing,dd of 13 not yet dx with aspergers( who knows how long we will have to wait)hasnt been to school for 18 months,but one big issue is she wont go out full stop(although rather reluctantly went to her one friends yesterday) but finds it very overwhelming.

going back she wont go anywhere and wont see anyone,but shes as happy as can be ,but makes life very difficult ,have 2 siblings who do go out and its horrible to leave her at home,she enjoys it ,but what do i do long term?

i end up feeling guilty because she is missing out on so much,does anyone esle have children that just wont go out,we have spoken of going to stay at granparents next year for a holiday,but she has already said no way just leave me at home ,which at 14 cant be done ,but not fair on the other 2.

Or do i just leave it and hope she will eventually change,just worried that it could be like this forever ,pshycologist has said very hard to work with because she doesnt want to go out,if she did would make things whole lot easier,anyway enough, just wondered if anyone else in same situation,and yes have tried persuasion,but not a lot works.

[KezT]

Not had to deal with this per se, but general advice would be...

 

start with small trips, regularly repeated, so the concept of going out is less scary

 

try and find something she really wants to do/somewhere she really wants to go/ties in with any interest she has and encourage her to just go there - until she is used to going out a bit

 

reward charts etc for each trip she attempts

 

Lots of positive imagery of where you have been when you go without her.

 

Lots of info to her before you go anywhere so she knows exactly where, why, what it will look like, how long it will take, who will be there etc

 

Has she said why she doesn't like going out? DS hates crowds, so we avoid anywhere fun & exciting in the summer, or the shopping mall at any time I know of some children who have a dislike of a particular colour (so won't go to specific supermarkets) or sound etc.

 

And finally - she may well not want to do any of the things that her siblings are doing. She could really be quite happy at home on your own. Remember you are not being a bad parent by not forcing her to do things she hates!

[Mandapanda]

Hi jlogan

 

My eldest will happily go out, just doesn't see the need most of the time. He went out to meet with friends once to 'hang out' - he came home early cos he was bored!

 

My youngest doesn't want to go out, it has to be a good enough reason for him to go. He will go to library and cinema sometimes, or shopping for computer game etc. He's not exactly frightened to go out so he's not agoraphobic, just feels safe and happy at home and knows he can control his environment to a greater extent at home. There are too many unknowns when he goes out, who he might see, what might be said to him, what he might do in front of other people etc.

 

 

 

[JsMum]

 

 

 

would your gp refer her to a Occupational Therapist, they can work at stratagies that are overwhelming at the moment,

 

For my son who has sensory issues due to crowds, noises, smells and also doesnt like to leave his comfort zone and will aviod change does really resist the idea of going out, but we have worked hard over the last few years and use a sensory aproach, he also has warnings and we work on areas he really finds stressful for example supermarkets, at one time he just would strip to underwear, kick of his socks and shoes and run around until he found a place to hide, usually carosells of long clothing were he would bury himself, or make dens out of the loo rolls, lets just say he doesnt do this anymore, we have a visual time table and a visual step by step aproach, he also has a get out card where he can access fresh air and reenter when he is calmer.

 

He can manage pretty well with all the measurements in place however there are some activties that have had to be prosponed but we never give up, we try another day and eventually he does it.

 

J has high levels of anxiety and mental health conditions as well and these all add on additional difficulties for J but we take a lot of precautions and it does mean lots of planning, warnings and preperations.

 

When J is relaxed and calm he copes a lot better, at the moment were lucky as he is able to attend activties at the moment but he does withdraw later but that is his way of dealing with it, so if she is ever successful in going out there has to be plans made for a return to base and to help her cope with her own surroundings again, its all transitions, home, supermarket, bus, car, what ever it is, its a change and they need time to process their enviroements.

 

Have you had any assessments from social services, my son recieves a sessional worker to work on his activties, recreation and to help increase his social skills and communication.

 

So do look into what services and provisions are available from your local authority including special needs activities.

 

Keep a diary or a ABC chart to monitor her reactions and behaviours to going out, so that in the future you can see if there is any improvements and there is evidence from the past and presant if you require further services.

 

Anyway hope this helps.

 

JsMumxxxxx

 

[jb1964]

hasnt been to school for 18 months,but one big issue is she wont go out full stop(although rather reluctantly went to her one friends yesterday) but finds it very overwhelming.

pshycologist has said very hard to work with because she doesnt want to go out

 

Hi,

 

Just wanted to say - been through a similar thing with our daughter. She was diagnosed at 12yrs following school refusal (after starting comprehensive). We were also told that if she refuses anything then it's difficult to coax her.

 

She missed practically the whole first year of comp (yr 7), during year 8 they started home tuition for a while and then in the end of year 8 and start of year 9 she started flexi-time as an attempt to get her back into school - it took nearly 3 years just to start to feel comfortable with her surroundings, knowing where to go, where everything was - recognising some of the teachers and some of the children and knowing what she was expected to do etc - without the whole thing of just coping with school, homework etc.

 

Her anxieties during this time were massive, the transition into comprehensive adding on top hormones and puberty made her a recluse - it was extremely difficult to get her to leave the house and there would be periods of weeks/months without stepping through the door other than a hospital appointment etc and that was a feat in itself.

 

She didn’t want any sort of socialising – it was as though the whole thing had totally drained her for a very very long time. Bribary, bargaining, punishment or compromise unfortunately never got us anywhere.

 

Finally in Yr 10 she started to settle down in school and suddenly wanted to socialise – this then became the hardest part – the wanting and needing friendships and suddenly feeling very lonely and sad.

 

Since then she has wanted to ‘go out’ – started off with perhaps the library or sitting in the car reading while I pop into the shop etc – although I have to say most of her 'going out' is usually just sitting in the car - occasionally she’ll visit McDonalds and more recently she will go in WH Smith for 5 mins to pick a magazine (but that is about her max. – she starts to feel sick and dizzy from the heat/noise etc of many shops). She will also sit in WeatherSp**ns with my hubbie (providing she has her ipod and magazines, if it’s quiet and there are seats by the door where it’s cooler) while I take the little one round on the food shop. We have also taken her out on several trips that involve her interests, i.e. Theatre, Anime Convention, Cinema etc.

 

Three years ago I thought she would never leave the house – things did get better in that respect but it also can move into a different realisation.

 

Take care,

Jb x

 

[Cat]

 

We had this with my middle son who practically did not leave the house for four years. Yes it was a great worry while it was going on but I realise now that he physically and mentally needed this time at home.

 

It is difficult when there are other children I had a toddler myself during this time and had to ask my Mum to come and sit with my middle son because although he did not want to leave the house he did not want to be home alone either. My son had suffered a breakdown in year 7 and he never returned to school. If your daughter is quite happy then I am tempted to say try not to worry. We offered our son opportunities to leave the house but it really had to be something that he wanted to do or mean something to him before he was interested. Forcing the issue just made him ill.

 

It all started to change when he became 16. He started asking if he could go out. He wanted to socalise with other young people his own age, something he had never been interested in ever, and he started to care about what he looked like, and smelt like to thank goodness.

 

As for the missing out on things. Your daughter is only missing out on something if it is something that she wants to do. It took me a long time to come to terms with what I thought that my son should be doing and what he actually wanted to do. The two things were totally different. My son did not want to see films, go to theme parks, watch footie, go swimming, have sleep overs etc etc. It was me who thought that he should be doing them.

 

My son is 22 now and has the social life that is right for him now and basically that is all any of us can want for our children.

 

Cat

[jlogan1]

oh thanks i now feel as though not alone <'> <'> seem to find it difficult to find anyone with girls of that sort of age .jb1964,hope you dont mind me asking how old your dd is now?am just finding things so hard,difficult to get head round the fact that shes happy as she is,but obviously being a mum i want more for her.

as you said and tried have tried the bribary,bargaining etc ,she got new moblie the other week and gosh did she really want it but when it came to go collect she just couldnt go,went all flushed and weird with just the thought of leaving the house,so if that didnt get her out dont have much hope ,saying that she did come out with just me last week ,we are fairly close to an airbase and she wanted a look there is a nimrod parked at the front gate so she could get quite close to take photos,planes are quite big on the agenda

so it looks like i will just have to wait and go at her pace,whilst trying of couse but without any pressure.

thanks cat for your reply too school is really big issue have even had educational phy on phone to day and have meeting next wednesday,she says we need to talk through what strategies we can use,but she doesnt seem to hear that fact that it doesnt matter what strategies she comes up with dd wont budge and will just not go to school the school need to accept this and help with work but they just keep rattling on about how to get her to school and forgetting the school side,

luckily managed to have words with dd today and said after brother and sister go back to school on thursday we must sit down and she can pick some subjects she might like,she wants to learn Latin any one have any ideas where i can get info?and thats only because its in twilight but i'll go along with it if it means she will do some work.

and the missing out is like you say its only missing out if she wants to do it and she doesnt,its just a shame cos years ago she did go to cinema and she also learnt to swim at primary school and used to love going now but wont even go out door and being 13 is when everything starts happening and if its that time of the month i stand even less chance she wont even let her friend come round

but thanks for r <'> replies at least i have hope that in the future things may change and i just need to be patient.

julia

[jb1964]

jb1964,hope you dont mind me asking how old your dd is now?

 

she wants to learn Latin any one have any ideas where i can get info?and thats only because its in twilight

 

and being 13 is when everything starts happening

julia

 

Hi Julia,

 

My daughter is 16 and just left school (started College but we've started to hit the same problems as when she started nursery/primary/comp) - we've also found it hard also for info on girls - L gets annoyed when she reads stereotypical interests for ASD including trains or maths.

 

Re: the Latin thing - I'd just do a google - probably loads of stuff about - know what you mean though about wanting to try something only because of something they're interested in - my daughter started to drink coffee after reading something to do with 'Waiting for Godot' and loads of other stuff she's tried because of her interests.

 

The teens when everything starts to happen - yes it was and it bypassed my daughter because she wanted her own time - by the time she got to wanting friends and socialising everyone had grouped up and this was the hardest part for us - the sadness and all that goes with it (and it continues she's currently on anti-depressants) - but I honestly don't think there was anything we could have done differently - she just didn't want/need it - at that time the whole strain/anxieties of starting comp. and becoming a teenager was too much.

 

Tony Atwood said that the teens are the worst period for an Aspie and I have to believe him - and I also believe things will get better - they have to.

 

Take care,

Jb x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cat]

oh thanks i now feel as though not alone <'> <'> seem to find it difficult to find anyone with girls of that sort of age .jb1964,hope you dont mind me asking how old your dd is now?am just finding things so hard,difficult to get head round the fact that shes happy as she is,but obviously being a mum i want more for her.

as you said and tried have tried the bribary,bargaining etc ,she got new moblie the other week and gosh did she really want it but when it came to go collect she just couldnt go,went all flushed and weird with just the thought of leaving the house,so if that didnt get her out dont have much hope ,saying that she did come out with just me last week ,we are fairly close to an airbase and she wanted a look there is a nimrod parked at the front gate so she could get quite close to take photos,planes are quite big on the agenda

so it looks like i will just have to wait and go at her pace,whilst trying of couse but without any pressure.

thanks cat for your reply too school is really big issue have even had educational phy on phone to day and have meeting next wednesday,she says we need to talk through what strategies we can use,but she doesnt seem to hear that fact that it doesnt matter what strategies she comes up with dd wont budge and will just not go to school the school need to accept this and help with work but they just keep rattling on about how to get her to school and forgetting the school side,

luckily managed to have words with dd today and said after brother and sister go back to school on thursday we must sit down and she can pick some subjects she might like,she wants to learn Latin any one have any ideas where i can get info?and thats only because its in twilight but i'll go along with it if it means she will do some work.

and the missing out is like you say its only missing out if she wants to do it and she doesnt,its just a shame cos years ago she did go to cinema and she also learnt to swim at primary school and used to love going now but wont even go out door and being 13 is when everything starts happening and if its that time of the month i stand even less chance she wont even let her friend come round

but thanks for r <'> replies at least i have hope that in the future things may change and i just need to be patient.

julia

 

 

We ended up home educating our son Julia after two disastrous attempts to get our son back into school. Neither the school nor the LA could actually understand that our son could simply not attend no matter what. I was not happy having psychiatrists having their fingers in our pie either because some of the things they suggested just made matters soooooo much worse and that in turn made our son worse. I joined a home ed list and it was like someone opening the windows and letting the fresh air in. Not only did the parents on the list fully understand where we were at, they also had some really good suggestions and ideas as to how we could move on from where we were. I have been a member of that list for 7 years now. Although my son was very bright he could not cope with school work so instead we did life skills and communication skills. He still makes the best lime cheese cake I have ever tasted in my life and he can change a bed faster than I can. He's not bad at cleaning windows either. Once he had calmed down, which did take a long time, he started watching programmes on the OU and also started watching teacher TV. This actually proved to be a very good thing because he did eventually want to learn again.

 

There were times when my son’s one and only friend (who thankfully stuck with him) would stand having a conversation with my son through a closed bedroom door because my son refused to open that door to see his friend.

 

My son does go to the pictures again now, he plays pool, he is an avid Ice Hockey Fan and he has a season ticket for our local team. He has loads of on-line friends and they talk on skype or whatever it is called and I would say that he is now happy and comfortable in his own skin. For many years he was not comfortable in his own skin and the people who all wanted a say in his life were all seeking to normalise him in my opinion. I did not want him normalised. I wanted him to accept himself for who he was because who he was and still is, is a pretty OK guy. Once my son found himself he found an inner peace and that was when things started to improve for him.

Edited October 26, 2009 by Cat

[jlogan1]

thanks for replies,dd has noticed that i have been on website,and is in total denial ,its not me and thats the end of the conversation!!wont even discuss it,so at moment just trying to explain that unless she goes to assessments we dont know,trouble is her brother,whos 12 knows theres something going on so its like a big secret which would be so much easier if we could talk about it,but when she wont accept it its difficult to explain it to him.we will see what next weesk meeting throws up but not expecting much,have been told i will have 30-45 mins and thats it!!

am going to look into home ed as well and will google latin but being bit diffirent dont want to start spending lots of money on something that she will only do for 5 mins!even tried at whsmith but they have nothing on latin at all.

like your son she has 1 friend and i just hope she sticks by her she is only 12 so its difficult for her to understand as she feels dd has let her down by not being at school to be with her! kids!

can you believe shes just been running round garden with sparklers in pitch black but she loves it ,shes done her pumpkin and got that lit and it makes her happy so i cant complain if she has a good day so do i.

julia

[Cat]

thanks for replies,dd has noticed that i have been on website,and is in total denial ,its not me and thats the end of the conversation!!wont even discuss it,so at moment just trying to explain that unless she goes to assessments we dont know,trouble is her brother,whos 12 knows theres something going on so its like a big secret which would be so much easier if we could talk about it,but when she wont accept it its difficult to explain it to him.we will see what next weesk meeting throws up but not expecting much,have been told i will have 30-45 mins and thats it!!

am going to look into home ed as well and will google latin but being bit diffirent dont want to start spending lots of money on something that she will only do for 5 mins!even tried at whsmith but they have nothing on latin at all.

like your son she has 1 friend and i just hope she sticks by her she is only 12 so its difficult for her to understand as she feels dd has let her down by not being at school to be with her! kids!

can you believe shes just been running round garden with sparklers in pitch black but she loves it ,shes done her pumpkin and got that lit and it makes her happy so i cant complain if she has a good day so do i.

julia

 

My son was 13 when he finally got his diagnosis and I know that we were fortunate that he accepted the diagnosis. It answered many of his questions because he knew that he was different. But knowing and accepting are two very different things. Who wants to be different to everyone else at that age? I was very worried about how my son would take the diagnosis because in my own head I thought that finding out that you have a form of autism at that age must be like finding out that you were adopted. I am not proud of the fact that even though my son accepted his diagnosis I had to trick him to get him to leave the house for the ADOS assessment. My youngest had just been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism, had he not have been my middle son would probably still be un-diagnosed but that is a different story, and I told my middle son that the Doctor wanted to see him to talk about his brother's autism I then had to keep my fingers crossed that he would actually comply with the assessment. He did but he tells me now that that was only because he thought they were trying to find out why him and his brother were different. It was not a time filled with happy memories that's for sure.

 

In a way accepting a diagnosis is not as important for your daughter as it is for you right now. Even without acceptance you can develop strategies that will help her. For us it was adjusting the way we were with our son as opposed to the way we had been with him for the 13 years before we found out for sure, although I had known from him being 3 that there was something. There are parents on the HE-SP list, which is where you will find those of us home educating our children with autism and other sens, whose children never actually got a formal diagnosis for many reasons. One being that they were not believed by the medical people. But by making adjustments to their lives and allowing their children to be themselves without the pressure of having to try to be normal they have found a way through. I will shut up now because I sound like someone who has just seen the light

 

Here is a link to the HE-SP site http://www.he-special.org.uk/content/joinhere.php

 

Cat

Edited October 27, 2009 by Cat

[jlogan1]

hi thanks for link for home ed,have joined and will see what is going on!we are hopefully on the move with work she has said tonight that she wants to do a project on asylums!!! ok so its a weird one but it brings in her twilight book and her ghosts( halloween and most haunted live on!) so i have said perhaps we can go to library to see if there is anything there,not sure she will come but said as long as she is doing some form of work its better thatn none i also managed to get a latin dictionary from library and have put on order a beginners set for latin again from library.

unfortunatley if she refuses to go to assesment dont know what will do but will cross that bridge when i get to it.

in the meantime have also told her she needs to do the history that school have sent.

but since she hasnt been going to school at all she does seem more relaxed so will just 'go with the flow'

julia