New to this

[KEW]

Hi all,

 

I am new to this forum. My partner and I have come to the conclusion that he has Aspergers.

 

We've been together for about 6 years, and I have thought for most of taht time that he may have aspergers having read about it early on, however it is only recently that he has begun to accept it. I mentioned it years ago, and he dismissed it, then we never talked about it again until recently.

 

He is dsylexic, and has been having troubles in work over the last few years, and it came to a head over the last few months when he begun drinking agsin after a 6 year abstinence. When he drinks he goes way overboard and is really reckless. We talked about the drinking and decided that there was something behind it, which we suspected was his dsylexia. We found a help group, which amazingly he went along too, and they mentioned associated conditions such as Aspergers.

 

We have now been reseaching it, and read a number of books, and its amazing! Its as if they are writing about him! Its describes him socially, emotionally, his little things he does when anxious, his anixety, his "super" senses, his high pain barrier, his lack of I love you!

 

Where do we go from here? He has changed a lot within the last 6 years, I think he has learnt a lot and seems more confident. and he tells me that he recognises his early years from the descriptions of children within the books. Although he is still very anxious in social situations and this is a real hinder to him. He constantly feels stupid, which I hate as I know he's not.

 

Is a diagonsis important? What can of help can you expect? I read somewhere that you are registered as having a disabilty and I dont think that this would be helpful to him. I think it would make him feel more different.

 

Any help would be appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

K

[KEW]

Sorry i should probably mention he is 34.

 

[Sooze2]

Hiya. My son has ASD and as we have been going through the diagnostic process with him it has been more and more abvious that my DH probably has the same, he often said that he can't see the problem with DS's behaviour because he was the same as a child..... As time has gone on and I have asked him to attend appointments with us he has actually admitted that he can't see it because he is the same but now realises that it is a problem for other people, he has also been very helpful in explaining to consultants about his own childhood experiances and they have seen where DS is coming from and that helped with the diagnosis because of the "strong family history"! Its not a problem for him because he thinks they should accept him for who he is (he's right really) and now when he doesn't show any affection, there are no I love you's at all he just says that he can't help it because he's probably the same as DS, I sometimes see it as a get out clause for him.

 

Thing is, DH has a job a mortgage, 3 kids and a wife. He is doing really well in life and there are a few little bits which I find hard. He really hates social situations like parties or gatherings and I usually go to them on my own but you would never know it because he is a real chatter box! But its me who finds them hard, not him, he is ok with it because he can't see the problem.

 

If your DH is functioning fine but it's others who find it hard then I think it may be a case of acceptance. It sounds like you have a great relationship, he has changed a lot over the years in a positive way. You have given him more confidence by standing by him and helping him and he is helping himself because you are standing by him and you are obviousely important to him. My DH had a pretty bad drink problem and was trying to sort that out when I met him, it had affected his relationships and his buisiness and luckily he recognised it when his buisiness started to go down and managed to sort himself out. He still drinks occasionaly but not to excess which is fantastic due to the brilliant programme he was on.

 

I think a lot of us have ASD traits - I know I do which can infuriate my DH and others at times. I really do believe that in all relationships there has to be acceptance and if the possitives outweigh the negatives then we are on to a winner and can ignore or accept the negatives and learn to focus on the good stuff. Ive just had my birthday and DH has showered me with gifts and even made me a cake - there were no hugs or I love you's but he has demonstrated to me how he feels without doing that bit. In writing this I know I have to accept that side of it, which I find incredably hard but there are parts of everyone that we would change but getting a diagnosis isn't going to change it so (for us) unless the diagnosis is going to change life dramatically then we are going to let sleeping dogs lie here but just try and remember that he is not always aware of what he is doing. Just as I am not always aware about what I do - eg how my being a night owl effects our relationship - that is one way where I am like my son etc

 

Sorry to ramble but you two sound like you are doing great, your relationship is strong and you obviousley love each other. You have to do what you want to do but it sounds to me as if you are both doing great already. xx

[Karen A]

Hi and welcome to the Forum.

I am afraid I might sound a bit negative but feel it is better to be honest than to give you unrealistic expectations.

Although it is possible to obtain an AS diagnosis as an adult it is currently difficult as there are very few centres in the country that provide the service.

Provision for adults with AS is even more limited.

Relate do now have some counsellors with experience of AS who offer support to couples where one has AS.

Individual support is very limited.

To be honest I think that although AS may be the reason behind your husband having difficulties with alcohol it does not change the fact that the use of alcohol is one of the issues.

There are I know various approaches to difficulties with alcohol.However I don't think any of them would be any different if your husband does have AS.

In any case there are no easy solutions to the difficulties adults with AS experience in relationships and in work.Any work and support that might improve things is unlikely to be possible unless the issue of alcohol use is addressed first.

I hope I am being helpful.

Does your husband recognise that he currently has an issue with alcohol ?

Does he want a diagnosis of AS and does he realise that he has difficulties at work and in social situations ?

As your husband is an adult there are very few options available to you.He would need to decide for himself that he wishes to obtain support and what issues he wishes to address.

There are some good books around regarding marriage and relationships where the partner has AS that might be helpful.

Karen.

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

There is no register of disabled people. Although Asperger's can be considered a disability, it would be entirely up to your husband whether he chose to use the term about himself, or reveal his diagnosis when meeting new people or applying for jobs, etc.

 

There is very little support available to adults with AS. It sounds like your husband may already be in the mental health system. If he is very lucky, he may get seen by a professional who can offer him more effective treatment in light of an AS diagnosis, but many mental health workers have not even heard of Asperger's Syndrome and many others have very stereotyped ideas of what it means.

 

I am an adult with AS. I found it impossible to get assessed on the NHS and eventually sought private assessment. For me, a diagnosis was important to help me come to terms with the way I was and help me feel better about the things I struggled with. For me, a formal diagnosis was necessary to give me the peace of mind that I was not just imagining things. Your husband may feel differently and a formal diagnosis may not be necessary for him to make progress in the areas he is struggling.

[skye]

Hi K,

 

I just wanted to share our experience of my DH and his trying to obtain a diagnosis via the NHS in our area. I too was like you. When DD started being assessed for ASD I was reading up on all of the material thinking wait a minute here! This sounds a bit familiar!! Anyway, DH told his GP about what I was saying and at first was in a bit of denial about it and didn't really want to discuss it. I think curiosity got the better of him. He really wanted to find out if this was the reason he had such a hard time in life. He was put in a special school for being "socially disturbed" at an early age. He was severely bullied etc. The GP referred him to a psychiatrist who I don;t think really saw any benefits of an adult gaining a DX., as in what he was hoping to gain by it. It really went no where. He actually told DH it can sometimes make people feel better to say that they have AS and that he was happy for husband to tell people that if he was so inclined. We were extrememly confused by everything the man said, and that's as far as it went. I know that there are a few adults on this forum that have been successful in obtaining a DX of AS, but I think the majority of them did have to go private and fund it themselves. I don't really understand the problem with DX an adult. From what I gather it can be trickier the older you get because you have gone through life being this way and have been able to possibly mask or change some behaviours to be able to function in life. Therefore something that may have been very apparent as a child may not be so easy to see. Anyway, sorry no advice here. I have to say it has actually helped our relationship. I have to make allowances for my DD because she has ASD and I have learned to do the same for DH. Little things that used to get on my nerves or hurt my feelings don't anymore. Anyway, I hope you find some answers. XO Skye

[KEW]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for your words of wisdom.

 

I dont think we will go and get a diagnosis, I dont think there will be too much benefit. Its safe to say havng read lots of books, that he fits the descriptions and that is enough for us. We will keep reading and take on baord any advice that helps.

 

It has helped our relationship too, as I used to get soooooo frustrated with certain things, like not looking at me when I talked to him etc. Now that we have both read about the lack of eye contact I tell him when its important and he makes an effort to do it, by the same token I dont get so frustrated when he doesnt.

 

The poster who says we all have ASD traits is absolutely right. We have christened it asparagus, and when he is being overly affected (like obsessing with autotrader online), I says "asparagus" and he gets it. When I get all "dont touch me", cause I do sometimes weirdly enough, he calls me "asparagus".

 

Its hard though as he was recently off work for a few days due to an injury, and he seemed so much happier. I think he hates work as he's around so many people who all ask him to do different things and he finds it difficult to talk to them. When he went back, I noticed a big change in him. But you know, we have to work to pay the bills.

 

Hopefully as time goes on, everything will get better, as I think it s already.

 

[JsMum]

 

 

I really do believe if an adult has gone throw childhood undx and its possible after an assessment they do indeed have AS in adulthood is vitally important, many children in the 70/80/90s will have gone throw life with AS without dx and look at how many have gone down the wrong route, many prisoners have dyslexia and have similair feelings the biggest been they feel stupid, many adults go down routes that are self destructive because of the feelings and experiences of their childhood and if undx in childhood is a factor I would say that can leave a person pretty down, as they have been let down by the services, my son now dx with ASD wasnt dx until recently, his Father dx with mental health disorders who died very young it is now certain he had Aspergers Syndrome but little was known when he was Js age.

 

I would say that it is vitally important to get a assessment with what your post has described.

 

It could be that he is using alcohol as a coping stratagy but its self destructive and it will eventually destroy him, so if he did get an assessment of AS he would have to deal with the Drinking it maybe the two go in hand, and maybe difficult to sort out the drinking if AS is at the root of it all.

 

I personally would request an assessment of AS from your local GP.

 

Ring National Autistic Society who have further information on assessments for AS in the UK.

 

also asssis

 

http://www.oaasis.co.uk/documents/Info_She...rome_Assessment

 

I wouldnt like to estimate how many adults there is with undx AS but I think its a lot.

 

JsMumxxxx