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mygifts1306

Positive reinforcement for behaviour

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Which sanctions are people using to encourage good behaviour,

 

Hi to all, I am having a little dilemma about this and just want to know what other parents are doing about this, just to have a little exchange about this.

Scenario

You are collection Ds/dd from school and the teacher says, “ Could I have a word please”, and she says Ds/DD have not had a good few days, he has been hitting, shouting and messing about. Lets just say you are the type of parent who reminds Ds/DD who is on the spectrum about proper behaviour ie, please don’t hit and if you are cross just count down from 10, or just tell the teacher, play with your soft toy... you get the picture....

Do you

a) Say, alright honey, lets go up the road and we can talk abut this and just walk away

B) Say come here honey, and give him a cuddle and tell him you are not happy

c) Say, I am not happy with your behaviour and you wont be getting the Wii, Xbox, Playstation

This is where i am getting with this, Children with aspergers syndrome need a lot of love and support, but how does one make sure they are not scaring the child. The child with Aspergers syndrome, gets very anxious and maybe, just maybe he will tell you how his day was.

I am a parent who likes to give a lot of thought to everything I do, more so now, that I know what the condition is called. I just wonder if you would like to comment on this thread at all.

 

Thank you for reading. mygifts

Edited by mygifts1306

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I am not a parent, but I don't want to live in a world where aggression is rewarded. Providing clear boundaries of behaviour and consequences for breaching them is not frightening or abusive. Children SHOULD be frightened of the consequences of breaking the rules. That is healthy and normal.

 

At the same time, it's also important to understand the root causes of the behaviour, and whether there were any mitigating circumstances. But he is never going to be willing to work on finding alternative ways to deal with stress if he doesn't understand that his current methods are a problem.

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Does your son have any additional support? STATEMENT 1-1 TA, Social and Communication aids, a place to go to calm down, he may also find it difficult to count down from 10 unsupported, social skills training, anger management.

 

I recieved a booklet from NAS about classroom and playground stratagies there very good, Js in a special school now and has a lot more in place also his enviroement is set up to help support him, he still explodes at times and it is unexceptable and he has recieved consequences but the school have put in place extra provisions and recourses to prevent or reduce the incidents ocurring.

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=528&a=13865 (these are available in booklets from nas)

 

Have the Teacher write a report on the situation so it can be logged so if you need further resources you have evidence.

 

Also request a meeting if things deteriate.

 

JsMumxxxx

 

Edited by JsMum

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We have tried all of the above:) But through trial and error have finally reached some kind of agreement as to how these things work with DS!

 

First, rewards and punishments have to be completely separated. We tried doing extra time on the computer for good behaviour & losing time for bad - absolute disaster!!!!

 

Second, DS needs very explicit boundaries - just saying don't hit other kids didn't work, and punishing him when he doesn't understand what he's done wrong is not helpful..... We are slowly getting to a stage where we are breaking things back down again now, but decided two years ago that the simplest rule was just "don't touch anyone, in any way, without explicit permission at that moment" - I think DS really does not understand the difference between pushing/hugging or playing/fighting:(

 

Also, we have learned to keep school and home separate - if the teacher grabs us at the end of the day and tells us there has been a problem, we tell him off and decide any punishment while still on the school premises (this may mean 10-15 mins hanging around school, but so be it). Once we are home, it is a different place, and there is no point trying to continue/discuss a school issue at home - or vice versa.

 

Finally, whatever punishment you decide to go with - make sure both you and he can live with it - and make sure you've got somewhere else to go from the punishment of there is further bad behaviour! DH had a habit of immediately banning all screen time for bad behaviour a while back - it just meant that we had screaming rows every day and once he had given the punishment, DS could do anything he wanted because the worst had already happened! Another thing to think about is your son's anxiety levels - it was explained to me like this: Imagine it is your first day in a new job - everything is new and you are trying to make a good impression to everyone you meet. At the end of the day, you will need to de-stress/relax somehow. For our ASD kids, every day is as stressful as that day is for us. Most ASD kids need some de-stress time - and for many, that is on the computer. If you remove all access to their de-stresser, they are going to get worse behaved, not better. MY DS is pretty much guaranteed 30 mins screen time of some kind each day, because it makes everyone's life easier.......

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[Hi, I think you are an incredible lady, thank you very much for your responses, " Dont touch anyone" its definately better for As children who only understand black and white, and probably discussing school conduct at home is counter productive. Ds likes the Xbox very much and if its taken away he hates it, So if he has had a bad day he can have screen time. Thank you very much. hope you are well.

 

kind regards

 

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c) Say, I am not happy with your behaviour and you wont be getting the Wii, Xbox, Playstation

This is where i am getting with this, Children with aspergers syndrome need a lot of love and support, but how does one make sure they are not scaring the child. The child with Aspergers syndrome, gets very anxious and maybe, just maybe he will tell you how his day was.

I am a parent who likes to give a lot of thought to everything I do, more so now, that I know what the condition is called. I just wonder if you would like to comment on this thread at all.

 

Thank you for reading. mygifts

 

 

I would go with "c" but tell the teacher he is to get a timeout when he misbehaves at school. So when the teacher tells you he has done x or y at school instead of you saying you will take his x box away just say the teacher will give you a time out for that at school and let her know that is how you want her to deal with it if they do it a different way go with what they say if you agree. School have loco parentis when your son is in their care so they should deal with it as long as you are happy with that. My son will respond to that much better than bringing it home and me punnishing him for something he has done at school, the same goes for homework too.

 

I don't ask the school to punish my son for something he has done at school so ......

 

Just to add that is only what I would do because that is what my son responds to, he needs consistant firm boundaries and immediate punishment if I wait till later he has no idea what he is being punished for - just like all kids really. Your son may be different.

 

Punishment sounds awful eh - but you know what I mean, time out, grounded, playstation taken away etc :lol:

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Thats you, Yes like yourself I go with C, for instance last week was not so good, so he didnt get xbox but he had tv, as i felt it would be cruel to send him to his room. The teacher does timeout, i think she was merely telling me for information and also to see what could have caused the upset, as he gets like that if the routine is upset at home. Its because he had the halloween costume that Dh bought 2 weeks before, so we made the mistake of showing him it, he was waking up at 6 am asking if he can dress up. So i think he was thinking about his costume, but still I dont know why that would make him lash out and scream in class, and I guess that aspergers there, something that i have come to understand, so everything is definately going to be low key, i started a thread on christmas survival for aspergers children and the responses were amazing, so planning is very important i have gathered, and to be led by him as well. Does your ds smile? mine not so much, but he laughs at jokes and things but tend not to smile so much.

 

kind regards

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Hello

 

Personally i would work on what is causing him to "act out". He could be reacting to some sensory stimuli in the room that others cannot hear.

Request that the school purchases "asperger syndrome practical strategies for the classroom" as this book describes in detail what can cause certain behaviours in asperger kids. When under extreme stress many autistics cannot think what they need to do they just use their "flight or fight" instincts.

 

i have this problem myself with the way words come out (i would rather hit myself than another person unless they grabbed me) under extreme stress. What is extreme stress for an autistic is a lot lower than extreme for a neurotypical. Low frustration tolerance is part of the executive function range.

 

Definitely DON'T use the c option its the equivalent to taking away something pleasurable because your kid has had an epileptic attack. As for the hugging that would depend on his stress levels at the time and whether he is able to cope with hugs. i know this sounds strange but certain types of hugs literally hurt me.

 

i almost hit an airport security woman as she didn't accept that "use the want please" meant "no frisking please". i just about managed to stutter "don't touch me im autistic" and flap in a distressed manner before she understood. If she hadn't reacted by using the wand (and the person assisting me hadn't responded in a negative way to my vent after the event) it could have been a lot worse. i could have shut-down been labelled as uncooperative and not permitted to fly. All because i was so overloaded i was unable to show my "this person has Asperger syndrome" card (which would have prevented the misunderstanding possibly).

 

What sort of in class support does your child receive? Could you offer to sit in on the class to see when he is doing these behaviours? Would moving him to a quieter area of the class room help? Can he read the blackboard? Have you asked him why he hits people?

 

i had a star card during my penultimate year at primary school (i was still undiagnosed at the time). Kids knew how to wind me up and how gullible i was at the time. They told me they had eaten 6 portions of food so i attempted to "break their record" believing it to be true.

 

i was unable to do this so i transformed into super girl in the playground and shouted at dinner ladies trying to convince them to change their minds. i hated the confusion of lunch and playtime and often sat in the corner with a coat over my head. Even my severe circulation disorder wasn't recognised at the time (leading to numb painful fingers and feeling punished for getting older by being made to wait longer for food).

 

i was eventually dragged inside (literally) by 2 dinner ladies. i shook my fist at them saying "you wont get away with this!" i couldn't face looking at the teacher so i sat crossed legged on the mat facing the window. i was then told off for "turning my back on the teacher" as this was rude (wasn't my reason for turning my back on her) and i didn't have the words or ability to describe why i was behaving that way at the time. i forget what happened next due to my brain blocking out the memories of the rest of the day.

 

My teacher then told me how disgusted she was with my "unreasonable" behaviour and went to tell my mum. i begged her not to tell my mum as i feared i could be beaten up again like i did when i hit someone at a birthday party in front of mum (she has apologised for this incident i might add). i pulled at her trying to stop her from telling mum but it was no use. i was then accused of "pushing the teacher" and all sorts of things under the sun. i lost 1 years worth of pocket money for this incident (also i have been apologised to for this punishment), that was the beginning of my (still current) depression.

 

i was even surprised the next year when my teacher mentioned what a model student i was. i think the fact that her voice was softer compared to the previous year so i was able to listen without echoing in my ears. Despite being very verbal i was unable to explain to the teacher that i couldn't see the blackboard. My theory of mind meant i thought everyone else saw the same as me.

 

i wish i could go back and change the torment of my later schooling years but i cant. i hope my story can help other parents and teachers understand that there is often a hidden communication to autistic behaviour.

 

Alexis (who finds by avoiding benzoates she can understand people better without being tempted to hit them).

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hard one. my ASD 9 year old is high functioning,he wamts everything his own way and will often choose not to do things his teachers ask if he is so inclined. He finds school extremly hard to cope with and home because of a conflict of interests and yes he ends up hitting . He does know its wrong and usually punishs himself,often he gets scared with his own behaviour and becomes even more distressed, at home i get him in his room and leave him 5 mins then go in and talk him out of it,of why what he does is wrong. His penaltys are no Wii or DS lite or pooter or tv if he has been really outrageous. The whole lot for the rest of the evening. The school are great they are very understanding and tolerant of his needs and challenges and between us we try to find solutions,not easy when he is so unpredictable. What workd one day,may not necessairly work the next,so back to square 1.My son bought me a punch bag 2 christmas's a go and i have been getting him to hit that instead of things or me. The worst thing was he slamed doen on my laptop in anger so i banned him for 2 days from it,he counted down the days,but he understands and promises not to hurt my pooter like that again or he gets a life ban from it. being as they are all so different and you know your people individually you find what works for you and how it suits your characters.

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Thank you for your reply and your thoughts. Who wrote the book that you described? Ds was tickling other children last night at gymnastics, and the teacher had a word, I think i will take him out of it altogether, and he has been mean to the girl he shares the car with, i am at my wits end just now. I dont hit at all, I tend to yell in frustration, and i am working on it,I am only human. I am findin it really hard to deal with it just now, i hope the things will improve, all i want is to understand my son a bit more, and just now i feel he is slowly drifting away.

 

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Thank you for your reply and your thoughts. Who wrote the book that you described? Ds was tickling other children last night at gymnastics, and the teacher had a word, I think i will take him out of it altogether, and he has been mean to the girl he shares the car with, i am at my wits end just now. I dont hit at all, I tend to yell in frustration, and i am working on it,I am only human. I am findin it really hard to deal with it just now, i hope the things will improve, all i want is to understand my son a bit more, and just now i feel he is slowly drifting away.

 

i cant tell who you are talking to (since you didn't mention my user-name). But if you mean the one about the strategies in the classroom, that's an NAS publication and written by Leicester county council. i don't understand the term im only human since were all human?

 

Have you looked at the interventions part of this site? Theres some ideas in there of treatments to help your son.

 

Alexis

 

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Alexis, the phrase "I'm only human" is something people say when they admit they are not perfect. It doesn't mean they think that other people are not human. mygifts1306 is trying to say that she is trying to find ways to deal with the way she sometimes shouts, but that as she is imperfect like all humans, she might never get it 100% right.

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Alexis, the phrase "I'm only human" is something people say when they admit they are not perfect. It doesn't mean they think that other people are not human. mygifts1306 is trying to say that she is trying to find ways to deal with the way she sometimes shouts, but that as she is imperfect like all humans, she might never get it 100% right.

 

Ah ok thanks for the explanation, parents give yourselves a pat on the back for the struggles you face with your autistic kids :thumbs:

 

Alexis

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I found that with my parents all I wanted for them to do was to listen and ask me why I was so badly behaved, I am not officially AS but I know that coming from a familythat may feel like they don't listen can be very hard.

I would suggest listening to the problem, seeing ways he can maybe express anything that he doesn't understand and then firmly display why the things he does are wrong and also the consequences of them.

I am not a parent just someone who feels like this didn't happen much when he was a kid.

Hope everything works out with your son!

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I found that with my parents all I wanted for them to do was to listen and ask me why I was so badly behaved, I am not officially AS but I know that coming from a familythat may feel like they don't listen can be very hard.

I would suggest listening to the problem, seeing ways he can maybe express anything that he doesn't understand and then firmly display why the things he does are wrong and also the consequences of them.

I am not a parent just someone who feels like this didn't happen much when he was a kid.

Hope everything works out with your son!

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I found that with my parents all I wanted for them to do was to listen and ask me why I was so badly behaved, I am not officially AS but I know that coming from a familythat may feel like they don't listen can be very hard.

I would suggest listening to the problem, seeing ways he can maybe express anything that he doesn't understand and then firmly display why the things he does are wrong and also the consequences of them.

I am not a parent just someone who feels like this didn't happen much when he was a kid.

Hope everything works out with your son!

 

Problem is if people asked me why i was behaving in a certain way my answer was "i dont know i just dont understand what im doing wrong and when". This was dismissed as a lame excuse because at the time my verbal abilities hid my asperger disabilities. i agree that having someone listen to about why im doing something since as ive told people today "i dont have a selfish bone in my body".

 

With me behavioural reactions could be a number of causes, but b6 + magnesium supplements have helped the most.

 

i also wish you well, by asking how to help your son you have already proved your parenting abilities on here. :thumbs:

 

Alexis

 

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