Any Advice?

[KJayT]

Hi,

 

This is my first post here - I found the forum whilst looking for advice and hope someone can offer some.

 

First, a little background - my cousin and I are very close. She has a just 4 year old son and, again, I am very close to him. I am a teacher in a mainstream Infant school with a fair amount of experience of, and an interest in, working with children with ASD. So I have seen my fair share of ASD indicators, traits, and diagnoses, over the years.

 

To be totally honest, it's been a fair while coming to this. J was a little late to walk and more noticeably late to talk. Although he now talks well, he has somewhat of a speech problem, but there doesn't appear to be a significant language issue. From the age of, I would say, approximately 18mths, he has been fascinated with trains, which by the age of 2 I would categorise as an obsession, originally with Thomas the Tank, but it now incorporates trains of any description. He routinely lines up cars and trains. Whilst he is happy to interact and play with his 5 year old cousin, it doesn't seem to extend to other children - I asked his Nursery if he plays, and interacts with, other children (he has been there since he was a year old) and they said, "he's fine with the other children" and went off on a tangent (I can't really push the Nursery angle as it wouldn't be totally appropriate and it would get back to my cousin). He didn't play with any other children at a party for one of his Nursery classmates I recently took him to. He also dislikes loud noise to the point of upset and, although he will finger paint and make handprints, doesn't like other messy play particularly and likes to make sure his hands/face are clean after eating. I also suspect he may not be particularly temperature sensitive, and also that he isn't particularly sensitive to pain (although this is evidenced to a lesser degree).

 

He is, though, a thoroughly lovely little boy. He's very affectionate with close family, very loving, such a character, my handsome boy. I love him like he's my own.

 

Sorry to go on here, can't believe I've typed all this out! Am I just reading too much into it all because I work around these sorts of issues all day?? My concerns are coming to a head now as he's due to start school next September and I think it's paramount we at least get the ball rolling before then.

 

My biggest problem comes with how to bring this up with my cousin. As I say, we're close, but there's not that closeness you have with sisters where you can say pretty much anything and get over it. I don't know where to start. I've kind of mentioned in passing little things, and I tried messy play at my house when she was here with him (so she saw he won't do it), but I feel the time for hints is slipping away rapidly.

 

I guess it's just a selfish thing, but I don't want to sever our relationship, and the thought of not seeing J is heartbreaking. But from another selfish point of view, I'm caught between a rock and a hard place - if I bring it up, I will probably turn out to be the bad guy; if I don't, and it's brought up when he starts school, I'm also the bad guy for not noticing it, since I work around it.

 

Aargh - I just feel completely lost about it all. If you've read this far, thank you so much. And if anybody has any suggestions at all, I will be very greatful.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Kathryn]

Hi KJay - welcome to the forum.

 

It's a difficult decision to make and only you can judge the likely effect it would have on the relationship with your cousin, and you may not even be able to predict whether she will respond with gratitude, mild interest or horror.

 

I haven't been in exactly your situation but when my daughter was diagnosed, a close friend with a 9 year old asked me outright if I thought her son might have AS. I had often thought that he had traits, but had never said anything apart from casually remarking how similar certain behaviours were to my own child. When she asked me for my honest opinion, I told her that although I obviously wasn't qualified to judge, I thought there was enough evidence to investigate further. Which she did. (He didn't get a diagnosis but that's another story).

 

I suppose a lot depends on whether your cousin has considered the possibility of AS herself. If so, she may welcome the chance to talk about it and discuss the way forward. If not, I'm not sure there's much more you can do than drop the occasional hint and wait to see what happens when he starts school - otherwise she might resent your interference.

 

I don't know if that helps any!

 

K x

[KezT]

When my aunt asked how she should bring it up with her daughter (my cousin) I cheated and suggested she go talk to the boy's nursery school and see if they could bring it up with mum (if they agreed).

 

It's a toughie, but often people don't like it coming from close friends/relations. Its better from a professional..... Obviously you know your cousin best.

 

You could also try discussing ASD symptoms with her in either a general sense or if necessary invent a fictitous child to talk to her about from your own professional life. She may pick up on what you are sayng and relate it to her child and come to the conclusion herself.....

[justine1]

Hi

my brother,like yourself,works at a school he has many years experience with all children,he brought up my sons behaviour when he was 2 1/2 he first started by making jokes about him saying "he's a little tired /grumpy today." I would laugh about it but knew from early on that there is something wrong,it was not until I started saying to him (when my son was 3) I think something is wrong with Sam,that my brother started saying he thinks so to and that he recommends I see a GP.So I guesss that is what Katherine said see if she will say something first,it is hard but you cant force her to accept it if he has got AS I am sure that as a mother she will eventually seek help,if he is not at full time education most of the AS "problems" may not be that obvious so it may be wise to wait till then.I just think you need to step back a bit from the situation,I guess because you work with kids you may go into that "mode" and want to give your cousin your "professional"opinion but as you (I assume) dont care for him everyday at home or school then I think its his mum who will know best.Sorry if it seems harsh,but you are a very caring cousin and I am sure when she needs your support you will be able to provide it.

[KJayT]

Thanks all for your ideas and input - it's helpful to even hear someone else's ideas.

 

KezT - I genuinely do have a child with quite a few similar traits to J in my Nursery class; I have already mentioned that this child is also very into Thomas the Tank (like J) and has issues with toilets outside the home (like J). We are now starting paperwork with him, perhaps I could go down the route of bringing this child up again and see if she picks up on it...

 

As a couple of you have mentioned, she may resent my saying anything if she doesn't perceive any problems with his behaviours, although I know she finds them exasperating at times. Part of me thinks she would find relief in knowing there are reasons for some of his behaviours...perhaps she does already have her concerns, I know her husband doesn't think it's "normal" that J doesn't have lots of friends, or that he isn't at all interested in being out on bikes/scooters etc.

 

I'm thinking the best course of action now might be for me to see if she brings anything up in the near future and then mention the child in my class again...I suspect she may have something to say after this weekend, since they are at a family party I am unable to attend and therefore am not there to take J away from the noise and crowds when he gets upset and bothered by it.

 

Thanks again for the replies - it's so nice to hear opinions from other people who have experience things like this!

[thomastank]

 

Hi there, I just thought I'd tell you my experience as it is quite similar. My son's older cousin has ASD and I have always been very aware of this whenever I went for health checks etc. with my own son when he was younger. The most anyone ever said to me was that he was 'obsessive' during his two year check. I had a very hard time in toddler groups etc. but put it down to terrible twos and as he was my first child didn't think much more of it. My sister in law phoned my husband one night after a family gathering and told him her concerns (my son had spent the whole day playing with Thomas and ignoring everyone at the party). I was furious, angry, hurt, and couldn't accept that there was anything wrong (partly I suppose because he is very different from his cousin and I had very limited knowledge of ASD). I took him to the GP's to prove everyone wrong and as it turned out they were all right and he got his diagnosis in the summer holidays before he started school. It has taken me a long time to completely come to terms with my sons diagnosis but ultimately I know my sister in law did the right and a very brave thing and we are closer as a result. My new sister in law on my brothers side has asked me to tell her direct if I see anything in her son (aged 6 months).

 

Ultimately my son got all the help at school he needed by which time it was obvious something wasn't right (was still in nappies etc. etc.) He has come on leaps and bounds because he now has the right support and I understand him more.

 

Good luck whatever you decide, its a hard one.

 

[Mandapanda]

Hi KJayT

 

and welcome!

 

I have spoken to other mums about their children, and I have always started by saying "You probably won't want to speak to me after I say this, but..." I've never had a really bad reaction yet. I would rather say something, for the child's sake, than not say something when the child might be having difficulties the parent is unaware of. In my personal experience, you cannot rely on school to tell you there is "something wrong with your child", as they do not wish to be seen to be "criticiing" (although they do that in so many other ways!! ).

 

In my opinion from the child's point of view, it is better to explore the possibilities now, rather than wait until he is in such crisis that it becomes obvious to everybody. It may be the things you have noticed are just due to his age/personality, or he could have traits and not fit the whole picture, but the sooner your cousin starts the process of finding out, the better it will be for him in the long run.

 

Good luck.

 

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Difficult situation to be in especially given you're family. Obviously, whilst you're not saying for a minute that you're qualified to say one way or another, nevertheless, you have direct experience and that does count. I've encountered parents that bury their heads in the sand and it's incredibly sad to that often the child doesn't receive the help and support that they need to help them cope at school. Even parents who acknowledge issues head-on have an incredibly tough time fighting to get the appropriate level of support. However, it's so much easier when you've got someone to help you along the way (and your cousin is lucky to have you). I'm not clear whether your cousin acknowledges anything in her child, but could it be that you try the subtle approach? ... ie tell her that you've noticed some similarities and see where the conversation leads. If she's receptive, continue, but if not, I guess it comes down to a direct decision, you continue at the risk of losing her friendship. At the end of the day, you're intentions will be well meaning and there's no criticism intended. Failing that, supposing your cousin mentions that her child is perhaps challenging or any small trait, that could be a green light for you to produce a pamphlet from eg NAS on strategies used - that way, you're not directly saying 'I think kiddo has ...', but instead you're saying 'these strategies are often used for children on the spectrum - might be worth employing some strategies' - might be that your cousin puts two and two together herself.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.