Another newbie

[justageek]

Hello all, not sure where to start so I might as well just go ahead and introduce myself.

 

I am 32 years old Dad of 3, run a internet marketing company, and suspect I may have aspergers syndrome.

 

I have always been a bit of a geek, would rather deal with something technical that other people, and never really thought much of it, through out my teenage years I pretty much lived in my bedroom to avoid social contact and throughout school I was bullied by one group, then another, then another.

 

I dont like talking to people, unless its a subject I know, and there are quite a few subjects I know as I tend to become quite obsessed with learning about things, so I'll spend hours and hours reading up on the latest technical advances and just hope and pray that when I am around people there will be something in the conversation that lets me talk about what I know, apart from that I'll just sit quietly in the corner.

 

My wife has joked a few times that I remind her of Spencer Reed from Criminal minds, technically intelligent but a bit of an idiot when it comes to people, I tend to take things too literally and miss the joke, or say things that while logically correct dont always go down to well.

 

A while ago a woman with an aspergers child said I had aspergers tendencies and I just laughed it off but more recently we have become quite close with a family with 2 aspergers children and again she;s pointing out the similarity's. I decided to do an couple of online tests and scored highly both times fitting the profile of aspergers, and the more I read about it the more it fits with my life, it explains relationships and friendships that have failed without me really knowing why.

 

As it stands at the moment I'm pretty happy, I dont have any close friends, but I get on ok with my colleges, I'm reasonably successful in my chosen career, but since I did the tests this has been hanging over me, I keep reading about it, wondering if there are things that I should be doing, or second guessing myself before I speak, I sometimes wish I could get away with just emailing people in the office rather than actually talking to them.

 

Anyway, ramble over, I suppose Im just looking for some direction, is there any benefit from going to the doctors and getting a diagnosis, or as I've got through 30 years so far might I just read up a bit and try to learn some people skills.

 

On the flip side, I'm also afraid that I don't have aspergers, it seems to answer so many questions, but if I'm wrong Im just left with questions.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

justageek

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

The diagnostic process can be very difficult. Asperger's is poorly understood and some NHS practitioners will rule it out for stupid reasons. Others haven't even heard of it! Since you are not having extreme difficulties, they may well argue that it is not financially worthwhile to assess you. The alternative is going private, which is what I did 2 years ago. Even with a diagnosis, you will find there is very little support available to adults anyway. For me though, a formal diagnosis was important as I doubted myself and feared I was using this as an excuse to not work on things I found hard.

 

For now it's probably a good idea for you to learn as much as you can about Asperger's and get a good idea of whether it makes sense to you. The more you learn, the more you will pick up tips and ideas of how to cope in the situations you find hard. You don't need a formal diagnosis to do this! And even if it turns out you don't have Asperger's, the coping tips you learn may still be helpful to you.

 

It's worth talking it over with your wife, because often we can be unaware of the way we come across to others - she may have noticed signs you hadn't. If she can develop a good understanding of Asperger's, then together you might be able to find better ways of relating to each other, and ways that she can support you in social situations.

[tired and fed up]

I'm not much use Im afraid as Im actually going through the process with my 6 year old daughter BUT I just wanted to say that I think your taking the step in the right direction by even exploring the idea that Aspergers might relate to you and coming here and sharing it of course

 

Good Luck!

[trekster]

Hello all, not sure where to start so I might as well just go ahead and introduce myself.

 

I am 32 years old Dad of 3, run a internet marketing company, and suspect I may have aspergers syndrome.

 

I have always been a bit of a geek, would rather deal with something technical that other people, and never really thought much of it, through out my teenage years I pretty much lived in my bedroom to avoid social contact and throughout school I was bullied by one group, then another, then another.

 

Sounds like me when i was at school and im 2 years younger than you.

I dont like talking to people, unless its a subject I know, and there are quite a few subjects I know as I tend to become quite obsessed with learning about things, so I'll spend hours and hours reading up on the latest technical advances and just hope and pray that when I am around people there will be something in the conversation that lets me talk about what I know, apart from that I'll just sit quietly in the corner.

 

Sounds like asperger syndrome to me. Im the same and recently my topics of conversation have seemed a bit too narrowly focussed despite having many topics that i can discuss. i just dont know when or how to bring them into the conversation so fear of boring the other person i just wait until someone else brings them up.

My wife has joked a few times that I remind her of Spencer Reed from Criminal minds, technically intelligent but a bit of an idiot when it comes to people, I tend to take things too literally and miss the joke, or say things that while logically correct dont always go down to well.

 

Another asperger sign

A while ago a woman with an aspergers child said I had aspergers tendencies and I just laughed it off but more recently we have become quite close with a family with 2 aspergers children and again she;s pointing out the similarity's. I decided to do an couple of online tests and scored highly both times fitting the profile of aspergers, and the more I read about it the more it fits with my life, it explains relationships and friendships that have failed without me really knowing why.

 

Yes it does sound like aspergers to me.

As it stands at the moment I'm pretty happy, I dont have any close friends, but I get on ok with my colleges, I'm reasonably successful in my chosen career, but since I did the tests this has been hanging over me, I keep reading about it, wondering if there are things that I should be doing, or second guessing myself before I speak, I sometimes wish I could get away with just emailing people in the office rather than actually talking to them.

 

Many undiagnosed autistic/asperger folk just want to know for sure. its a natural reaction. i didnt have any friends until i went to college post diagnosis and 1 of them i meet up on a regular basis. i even attend my asperger social groups in Bristol, im fortunate that there is such as choice in my area so i make the most of them.

Anyway, ramble over, I suppose Im just looking for some direction, is there any benefit from going to the doctors and getting a diagnosis, or as I've got through 30 years so far might I just read up a bit and try to learn some people skills.

 

When the autism act is better solidified it could help you get access to services. You could read the NAS leaflet on diagnosis "a label or a signpost?" It doesn't unfortunately automatically entitle you to benefits like DLA but you will know for sure whether you are asperger or not.

 

On the flip side, I'm also afraid that I don't have aspergers, it seems to answer so many questions, but if I'm wrong Im just left with questions.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

justageek

 

i doubt you will be wrong considering your 1st post. Welcome to the forum

 

Alexis

 

[justageek]

Thanks for the replies, I don't think I really need a diagnosis, and I don't want to claim DLA so that's not an issue. What I really want to learn about are the coping mechanisms and how to deal with things, maybe I'm wrong but surely there are methods I can use to get around my issues?

 

Is there much support for adults? its clearly the social side of things I have trouble with, and the more i think about it the more I can see how this might have effected my family, is it hereditary? or am I likely to nurture my kids in to my ways? If I don't go go down the diagnosis route and just try to deal with things myself does that make me a fake?

 

The problem is i don't know where to start, I'm kind of feeling a bit stunned at the moment.

 

But more importantly I have to know... whats with the rabbit?

[trekster]

Thanks for the replies, I don't think I really need a diagnosis, and I don't want to claim DLA so that's not an issue. What I really want to learn about are the coping mechanisms and how to deal with things, maybe I'm wrong but surely there are methods I can use to get around my issues?

 

In that case maybe you are after book recommendations? If you want specific social skills training then contact the NAS and see if they have a socialeyes project in your area.

Is there much support for adults? its clearly the social side of things I have trouble with, and the more i think about it the more I can see how this might have effected my family, is it hereditary? or am I likely to nurture my kids in to my ways? If I don't go go down the diagnosis route and just try to deal with things myself does that make me a fake?

 

Depends what you mean by support? It is what NTs (so called normals) call a postcode lottery, ie you get the services depending on what area of the country you live in. Bristol has a range of social groups that i enjoy but i hear Yorkshire has one.

 

There is still a debate about whether autism is hereditary or not. Did you mum have problems giving birth to you? Mine did and i was left too long and so born late. She bled a lot afterwards and needed 1/2 her blood volume replacing. It took a long time for me to be born and difficult birth can cause autism/aspergers according to some experts. Personally i think you inherit the tendency to develop autism then something sets that autism off.

The problem is i don't know where to start, I'm kind of feeling a bit stunned at the moment.

 

But more importantly I have to know... whats with the rabbit?

 

Overload is a natural feeling when you are searching for answers. i know of one book "aspergers in love" that mentions the parenting side of asperger syndrome and other parts of asperger syndrome.

 

Alexis

[Tally]

What I really want to learn about are the coping mechanisms and how to deal with things, maybe I'm wrong but surely there are methods I can use to get around my issues?

This is where learning as much as you can will come in. Before you can improve on your issues, you need to know what they are. In order to work that out, it might be helpful to learn about typical issues in Asperger's and see which ones you think you have. Remember that you may not be completely aware of how you come across to others, so they may be able to point out difficulties you weren't aware of. Although Asperger's is a lifelong condition, you can always learn and develop new skills.

 

Is there much support for adults?

No.

What you may be able to find are support/social groups where you could meet with other adults with suspected and confirmed Asperger's. The National Autistic Society run some, but there are some other organisations as well. You would probably not need a formal diagnosis to attend many of these groups.

 

Its clearly the social side of things I have trouble with, and the more i think about it the more I can see how this might have effected my family.

What's important to focus on is what you are going to do about it, rather than what have you done wrong in the past. You have obviously got a lot right to have maintained a marriage. It's normal for each partner to have different roles in the household and in parenting. You can use the knowledge that you have Asperger's (or at least traits of Asperger's) as a springboard for making improvements.

 

If I don't go go down the diagnosis route and just try to deal with things myself does that make me a fake?

No. It means you may come to the conclusion that you probably have AS. You just won't be able to say with 100% certainty that you definitely do have AS. This is something to consider when you decide whether to tell people about it. You will find that many people in the autism community recognise the hurdles people face in seeking diagnosis and take you at your word if you believe you have undiagnosed AS.

 

Is it hereditary? or am I likely to nurture my kids in to my ways?

Autism is thought to be hereditary as it seems to run in families. But you can get one case in a family with no other relatives seeming to show any sign. Do you already have concerns about your children?

Although your children may imitate you to an extent, they are not necessarily going to develop the same difficulties as you. Any chance they have to come into contact with others will give them the opportunity to develop social skills - this will include things like school, clubs, and even at home with each other. As long as you're not isolating yourself to the extent that your children are missing out on these things, they will have ample opportunity to develop social skills.

[justageek]

No concerns for my kids, they seem to be just as crazy as everyone elses, its more a case of if I should be more aware to keep an eye on them.

 

With regards to my birth, I honestly dont know, my mother certainly had undiagnosed mental issues, she was a compulsive liar, a hypochondriac and all in all a bit of a cow, she isolated herself from the rest of the family and as a result they dont really know me, although since my mums death many have commented on the amount of time i spent in my room and just put it down to keeping away from her.

 

Both my parents have passed away so there is nobody I can ask about me growing up, but I do have issues with my child hood as I doubt many of my own memories, when you live with a liar, you come to believe that their stories are true, and when you find out they are not it casts doubt on what you think you remember.

 

 

 

[justine1]

No concerns for my kids, they seem to be just as crazy as everyone elses, its more a case of if I should be more aware to keep an eye on them.

 

With regards to my birth, I honestly dont know, my mother certainly had undiagnosed mental issues, she was a compulsive liar, a hypochondriac and all in all a bit of a cow, she isolated herself from the rest of the family and as a result they dont really know me, although since my mums death many have commented on the amount of time i spent in my room and just put it down to keeping away from her.

 

Both my parents have passed away so there is nobody I can ask about me growing up, but I do have issues with my child hood as I doubt many of my own memories, when you live with a liar, you come to believe that their stories are true, and when you find out they are not it casts doubt on what you think you remember.

Hi and welcome,I dont know whether to laugh or cry,because your mum sounds just like me!My six yr old has AS and I strongly suspect I do.I have always lied since I was achild I cant help myself.When I was little I lied about stupid things like I told people I had a younger sibling and when they asked where this sibling was I used to say she's at a relatives.In my teenage yrs I lied to school friends that I had older friends from outside school,I gave them names ages even addresses(I was 12)I kept this up for two yrs!!!As an adult I have learnt to control my lies a bit more and it is usually,to me,to protect myself.My eldest son (NT)is now confused about lies because I lied alot up until 3yrs ago but as he is nine he can remember the lies,I think this has helped me change.I also think I am a cow!I do seem moody and get angry alot,with silly things but never with my kids,but they see me getting angry with the PC or dog poo on the pavement and I dont want them to be angry at society like I am!I also used to be hypochondriac,I have four kids now so I dont have time to be sick let alone pretend to be sick,but I did do this for about 10yrs maybe longer.I was a poorly child,have heart problem and asthma,often got bronchitis and spent months in hospital,so I got lots of attention,so in between when I was sick I would convince myself I was ill and at 13 medically I was fit and have been since then but still used to stay off school loads and convince my mum I was "dying"Sorry I am going on and on but I just thought I would share my thoughts.Good luck with everything and welcome to the forum!

[Kathryn]

But more importantly I have to know... whats with the rabbit?

 

That's Robbie - he's kind of a forum mascot and he's been around a long time. I think he has something to do with Elefan who started the forum but I can't remember the explanation for his presence - there is one I'm sure... possibly... .

 

 

K x

[bid]

That's Robbie - he's kind of a forum mascot and he's been around a long time. I think he has something to do with Elefan who started the forum but I can't remember the explanation for his presence - there is one I'm sure... possibly... .

 

 

K x

 

didn't she have a house rabbit back in the day??

 

Welcome to the forum, Justageek I'm another adult who was diagnosed with AS when I was 40.

 

Bid

 

[trekster]

No concerns for my kids, they seem to be just as crazy as everyone elses, its more a case of if I should be more aware to keep an eye on them.

 

With regards to my birth, I honestly dont know, my mother certainly had undiagnosed mental issues, she was a compulsive liar, a hypochondriac and all in all a bit of a cow, she isolated herself from the rest of the family and as a result they dont really know me, although since my mums death many have commented on the amount of time i spent in my room and just put it down to keeping away from her.

 

Both my parents have passed away so there is nobody I can ask about me growing up, but I do have issues with my child hood as I doubt many of my own memories, when you live with a liar, you come to believe that their stories are true, and when you find out they are not it casts doubt on what you think you remember.

 

My dad was the compulsive liar and nasty asperger, my mum was the trusting naive asperger. Mums still around but she keeps saying things to me that really hurt like "be less autistic then" as if it was faked or something!

 

Hopefully your wife would be able to go with you to any diagnostic referral?

 

Alexis

Edited November 26, 2009 by trekster

[trekster]

didn't she have a house rabbit back in the day??

 

Welcome to the forum, Justageek I'm another adult who was diagnosed with AS when I was 40.

 

Bid

 

i didnt realise i had been talking to an aspie lately. Cool.

 

Alexis

 

[parentsofdisabledchildren]

Welcome to the forum

[parentsofdisabledchildren]

Welcome to the forum

[Vanna]

welcome to the forum, just a geek.

I like you have made it almost 30 yrs with no dx, ( or the wrong one ...) but am pursuing an official dx. I think at least at work (provided I get a job, and this is when I started thinking I may have AS is due to the fact I cant communicate, thus keep losing jobs) then they have to be more accomodating if you are offically dx'ed. Someone correct me if I am wrong?

Basically I was similar to you growing up, a bit of a loner, didnt get a lot of other people, but the flipside, I did always want friends, but always felt left out that no one seemed to like being my friend as much as I liked them, which I could not understand as I thought I was nice.

Also, Im married as well, which has not always been easy or understanding because of my issues, which we now chalk up to AS which is better as I dont feel so blamed. Anyways, good luck with whatever you decide to do. Just thought I would come say hi...

 

Vanna and this odd rabbit, who now I sorta get ... I just thought it was cute ....

 

[Lifevoyager]

Hi Justageek and welcome! Hope you manage to access some local support. I go to a local support group and a formal diagnosis is not required.

 

Vanna- I can so identify with what you said about friends... that was so me- desperately wanting friends and thinking that people liked me and I fitted in, then finding out they were actually laughing at me behind my back... I have also been told that people notice that I am 'different' and can find it difficult to deal with, whereas for years I just assumed that I did the friendship thing ok- obviously not!

 

Coming on here and realising that we are no longer alone is so special I think.

[trekster]

Hi Justageek and welcome! Hope you manage to access some local support. I go to a local support group and a formal diagnosis is not required.

 

Vanna- I can so identify with what you said about friends... that was so me- desperately wanting friends and thinking that people liked me and I fitted in, then finding out they were actually laughing at me behind my back... I have also been told that people notice that I am 'different' and can find it difficult to deal with, whereas for years I just assumed that I did the friendship thing ok- obviously not!

 

Coming on here and realising that we are no longer alone is so special I think.

 

i can identify wih both your experiences as well.