Moving back home

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Whilst my DH has not got a formal assessment or anything he does have many AS traits which also run in his family and our son is thought to have traits too.

 

Basically my question is that we are currently living on the south coast. We have done for nearly 10 years but my husband has always wanted to move back to the north west where we were born and he lived for 30 years. He says he wants the familiarity of his home area - the countryside, people. Also, and quite importantly his obsession is football. He lives and breathes it as does his son now too but for them to go and see their team at the moment means leaving the house at 8am and coming back at 11pm. He would be happier going more often and as DS is obsessed as well if we moved they could do this more frequently and it would be good bonding for them too.

 

My DH really wants to move back "home" and he keeps going on and on about this and hasn't changed him mind in 10 years! It has become a real issue in our marriage as he is not happy where we live. Alot of it is football related but it is not just this as he misses the countryside where we were and the ruralness and his old friends plus being in familiar surroundings especially as DH's parents have died I think it is some comfort for him being in places that remind him of them.

 

My mum and dad live near us now - but they want to move back to the north west too!

 

I however, am feeling fairly settled where we are, children in good primary schools we have a nice house and network of friends. I don't think where we live is brilliant or anything but to me it is as good as anywhere with the benifit of being warmer and drier than the north west too! I just don't like the thought and whole upheaval and stress of a long distance move. Plus will miss some of my closer friends I have made here as a SAHM.

 

Anyway, for the sake of my marriage I am thinking of moving back. As because DH is so unhappy here I really think we won't stay together. Bascially I am moving to try and make our family unit happier rather than because I want to move althought I can see some other benefits - better secondary school, cheaper housing, more rural location.

 

I just wondering if I am doing the right thing as it is a funny thought to commit to somthing so big when I really haven't decided that it what I want to do. I suppose I am just hoping it will make my DH and our family happier in the long run.

 

I also wanted to ask on this forum that in terms of Aspergers is moving to a familar place likely to improve DH's happiness. Is it something that could be due to his having AS that makes him dependent on the familiarity of his childhood and most of his adulthood and hankering for this sameness. Plus I suppose to be close to his "football" which is his obsession too. If it may be linked to his AS I suppose it might make me undertand why he is so fixed on this move.

 

Any thoughts really appreciated. Thank you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I think it's really admirable that you're prepared to put your happiness before everyone else's. However, if your marriage is to survive, you too need to be comfortable with the move otherwise it may prove to be a temporary fix. I think, in short, that familiarity and predictability can without doubt help someone with AS (my son is like a duck out of water, to say the least, when he's anxious as a result of being somewhere new, etc).

 

I guess it's a very personal decision, you have to weigh up whether you could cope with distance friendships (although not easy, moving doesn't necessarily means losing your exisiting friends). In addition, you need to ask yourself whether you and the kids could make new friends, have a better life all round, etc. From a practical point of view it's probably worth making a list of the pros and cons of moving. Can your hubby get into football where you currently live (maybe it's a specific team thing!)? Hubby and I moved in order to give my son privacy, space and scope for independence (neighbours had been awful and moving would mean that R could play in the large back garden without me perched on the doorstep ready to mediate frequent difficult situations). We could have been mortgage free next year which really appealed to my hubby, but I was thinking more about long term issues. It was 2 years ago that we moved and despite living in a building site/museum for that length of time, I think that R has more to gain ie greater independence, privacy (moved from mid-terr house to det bungalow), house has massive conversion scope, etc. Must admit, when I saw R in the back garden with a fellow Aspie 'friend' last summer playing happily, I knew the move had been worthwhile. I think happiness should be the main reason - if you genuinely think you could all be happier, then go for it!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

[star]

Hi

 

I think it's really admirable that you're prepared to put your happiness before everyone else's. However, if your marriage is to survive, you too need to be comfortable with the move otherwise it may prove to be a temporary fix. I think, in short, that familiarity and predictability can without doubt help someone with AS (my son is like a duck out of water, to say the least, when he's anxious as a result of being somewhere new, etc).

 

I guess it's a very personal decision, you have to weigh up whether you could cope with distance friendships (although not easy, moving doesn't necessarily means losing your exisiting friends). In addition, you need to ask yourself whether you and the kids could make new friends, have a better life all round, etc. From a practical point of view it's probably worth making a list of the pros and cons of moving. Can your hubby get into football where you currently live (maybe it's a specific team thing!)? Hubby and I moved in order to give my son privacy, space and scope for independence (neighbours had been awful and moving would mean that R could play in the large back garden without me perched on the doorstep ready to mediate frequent difficult situations). We could have been mortgage free next year which really appealed to my hubby, but I was thinking more about long term issues. It was 2 years ago that we moved and despite living in a building site/museum for that length of time, I think that R has more to gain ie greater independence, privacy (moved from mid-terr house to det bungalow), house has massive conversion scope, etc. Must admit, when I saw R in the back garden with a fellow Aspie 'friend' last summer playing happily, I knew the move had been worthwhile. I think happiness should be the main reason - if you genuinely think you could all be happier, then go for it!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

 

Thanks very much. Good idea about making list of pros and cons of moving. I do think secondary school will be a big plus if we move as there are some very good schools to choose from whilst the local one where we currently live is just average. I'll sit down a weigh it all up.

 

I do think my DH would be happier and calmer which would be good for all of us BUT if I want to make sure all of us wuld be happier in a new situation.

 

Thanks for replying. I am glad your move was so positive.

 

[Tally]

I recently moved back to the place I moved away from only 7 years ago. So much has changed, so many new housing estates have been built and I have lost touch with all my old friends. It has been like moving to a whole new area. Going "home" might not actually turn out to really feel like that.

[Kathryn]

I sympathise with your dilemma as I moved house 13 years ago when it wasn't really my choice - it was to do with my husband's job. I just went along with the decision and we didn't really discuss it. I was really unhappy and resentful for about 3 or 4 years after we moved and so was my daughter, (then 7).

 

 

 

I think football and nostalgia in themselves aren't very good bases for a life changing decision such as this - as Tally says,places change and so do people - they may not be the same as he remembers them. Work, housing,schools and social networks surely must be the most important considerations. As well as the practicalities, your needs and your son's needs also deserve equal consideration.

 

I think communication is so important: you need to be positive that the decision is right for you. With hindsight, when we moved I think we should have sat down and discussed it properly and weighed up the pros and cons for all of us. We may have arrived at the same decision anyway, but I think I would have felt more in control and accepted the move better. Now I have put down root and made friends here so things turned out OK in the end, but it was hard work in the beginning!

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

K x

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I recently moved back to the place I moved away from only 7 years ago. So much has changed, so many new housing estates have been built and I have lost touch with all my old friends. It has been like moving to a whole new area. Going "home" might not actually turn out to really feel like that.

 

Thanks for your reply. This is exactly what I say to my husband. However, for him I know certain things will be the same - his best friend, the football and the countryside will all be very close by. For me it will be equal to where we are now I think or maybe worse initially as I will need to build up local friends. However, I know I will meet new friends and the main thing that could improve my life is if he were happier and our marriage better - but whether this move will achieve those things I am not sure!

[star]

I sympathise with your dilemma as I moved house 13 years ago when it wasn't really my choice - it was to do with my husband's job. I just went along with the decision and we didn't really discuss it. I was really unhappy and resentful for about 3 or 4 years after we moved and so was my daughter, (then 7).

 

 

 

I think football and nostalgia in themselves aren't very good bases for a life changing decision such as this - as Tally says,places change and so do people - they may not be the same as he remembers them. Work, housing,schools and social networks surely must be the most important considerations. As well as the practicalities, your needs and your son's needs also deserve equal consideration.

 

I think communication is so important: you need to be positive that the decision is right for you. With hindsight, when we moved I think we should have sat down and discussed it properly and weighed up the pros and cons for all of us. We may have arrived at the same decision anyway, but I think I would have felt more in control and accepted the move better. Now I have put down root and made friends here so things turned out OK in the end, but it was hard work in the beginning!

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

K x

 

 

Thanks. I think control here is a big issue. I think he finds it difficult to weigh up the pros and cons as in his heart he just wants to go and so I don't feel his judgment is necessarily sound or that he is thinking of the whole family.

 

Currenty where we live ticks all the boxes for work, housing, primary schools and social networks. However, it doesn't really for secondary schools - so that would be the only big pro if we move. Also, social networds for me are based around being at home at the momen and the mums at school and I know this wil change a bit anyway when I start work again myself so I suppose I should stay based on that alone.

 

I might do a pros and cons list myself and present it to him to discuss! In some ways we could do with going to see a counsellor to something to discuss our marriage and especially this issue. Might have a think about that too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[JsMum]

 

 

 

What if you move and after six months or a year your husband isnt happy as he thought he would be and the climax could actually cause additional issues within the marrage because technaclly you have given up soo much for him for what you both would think make you both happier.

 

I would stay put for now and like you say look into some councilling as there could be other issues your Husband is unahppy about but he focuses on the football, and I think you might resent him more if it doesnt work.

 

He has waited 10 years so take time to decide on the overall decision, even if that takes another year.

 

JsMumxxx

 

[justine1]

Hi would you be able to give a trial run of the place you wish to move to?I have moved many times since sixteen biggest move was coming to the UK.I often wish to take my children to where I grew up it was to me the best place a child could grow up,however like many have pointed out,that place has changed so very much,the fact that its another country I could never do that to my kids when they reach 16/17 and want to go then I will allow that(sorry going off topic) I just thought if you were able to go for a few weeks to get a feel for the place,see the shops,schools,where you will be able to work etc.most importantly talk to people about what its like to live there.I do agree with everyone else if he is unhappy the root of that unhappiness needs to be discovered before you can do anything else.I have moved away from a "problem" but it didnt make me much happier.I love the house I am in now,the area,schools everything and dont want to move but I may have to because of study commitments,this puts me in a difficult spot as to what to do for the best,so I do know exactly how you feel.

[star]

What if you move and after six months or a year your husband isnt happy as he thought he would be and the climax could actually cause additional issues within the marrage because technaclly you have given up soo much for him for what you both would think make you both happier.

 

I would stay put for now and like you say look into some councilling as there could be other issues your Husband is unahppy about but he focuses on the football, and I think you might resent him more if it doesnt work.

 

He has waited 10 years so take time to decide on the overall decision, even if that takes another year.

 

JsMumxxx

 

Thanks. I agree in that if things aren't better and we have the added stress of moving things could go alot worse. It seems better to move when in a strong marriage to cope with the stresses the next year or so would bring if we did move.

[star]

Hi would you be able to give a trial run of the place you wish to move to?I have moved many times since sixteen biggest move was coming to the UK.I often wish to take my children to where I grew up it was to me the best place a child could grow up,however like many have pointed out,that place has changed so very much,the fact that its another country I could never do that to my kids when they reach 16/17 and want to go then I will allow that(sorry going off topic) I just thought if you were able to go for a few weeks to get a feel for the place,see the shops,schools,where you will be able to work etc.most importantly talk to people about what its like to live there.I do agree with everyone else if he is unhappy the root of that unhappiness needs to be discovered before you can do anything else.I have moved away from a "problem" but it didnt make me much happier.I love the house I am in now,the area,schools everything and dont want to move but I may have to because of study commitments,this puts me in a difficult spot as to what to do for the best,so I do know exactly how you feel.

 

Thanks. I think we might be able to go for a few weekend breaks in the new year and maybe easter a longer break. Problem is we always visit lots of people when we go which leaves no time to see the area and suss that out as such so maybe we need to go and not visit friends next time round and have a look around.