Argh!!! Why cant I stop getting so annoyed? :(

[KEW]

Hi All

 

Im fairly new to this forum.

 

Long story short, my OH recently (within 6 months) found out he has aspergers. To be fair not officially diagnosed, but reading all the Tony Ayywood books, it was as if they were written for him. He is 35.

 

Anyway obviously Ive always known the way he is (been together for 6 years), and felt once we had discovered aspergers that I understood him more, so it helped our relationship. Well that lasted for only a few months.

 

I get soooo annoyed with him. He never wants to do anything, or leave the house. Last weekend we went out for breakfast to our usual cafe. Now he is never that good in public places, but ive learnt to deal with it and now I guess I know why he is like that. However it was particulary busy that day and he was getting on my nerves!!! On the way there he was ok, and then when we went in he started looking really sick, and pretty much the whole time we were in there didn't look at me (head facing down whole time), and hardly said 2 words.

 

ARGH!!!! All around me where people chatting and laughing away and here I am sitting with someone who cant even smile at me. I kep thinking about how life would be if I wasnt with someone like him. And that made me feel really guilty.

 

Literally as soon as we left and made it back to the car (ie when noone else was around), he gets all hyper and trying to joke around. I was soooo pissed off.

 

Why cant he just chill out in public. Is it me? It this whole aspergers thing just his way of covering up the fact that he doesnt want to be with me?

 

He gets soo ill looking whenever we are out. People (friends - if we are lucky enough to be out with them which is extremly rare) say to him you look awful.

 

Someone please help me cause I fell awful even writing this stuff, but he is really aggrevating me. The whole thing is!

 

But when hes good (like at home) he is amazing and i love him. I just want him to be relaxed all the time whatever we do.

 

Sorry for ranting I just need to get it out.

 

 

 

 

[chris54]

This may not be what you want to hear but it come across to me that, to put it bluntly, you want him to be someone he is not.

I think you just need to accept him as he is and not expect him to want to do, and have fun doing the same thing as you.

 

I personally cant think of anything I would want to do less that going out to a cafe to have breakfast.

[OAASIS]

Hi All

 

Im fairly new to this forum.

 

Long story short, my OH recently (within 6 months) found out he has aspergers. To be fair not officially diagnosed, but reading all the Tony Ayywood books, it was as if they were written for him. He is 35.

 

Anyway obviously Ive always known the way he is (been together for 6 years), and felt once we had discovered aspergers that I understood him more, so it helped our relationship. Well that lasted for only a few months.

 

I get soooo annoyed with him. He never wants to do anything, or leave the house. Last weekend we went out for breakfast to our usual cafe. Now he is never that good in public places, but ive learnt to deal with it and now I guess I know why he is like that. However it was particulary busy that day and he was getting on my nerves!!! On the way there he was ok, and then when we went in he started looking really sick, and pretty much the whole time we were in there didn't look at me (head facing down whole time), and hardly said 2 words.

 

ARGH!!!! All around me where people chatting and laughing away and here I am sitting with someone who cant even smile at me. I kep thinking about how life would be if I wasnt with someone like him. And that made me feel really guilty.

 

Literally as soon as we left and made it back to the car (ie when noone else was around), he gets all hyper and trying to joke around. I was soooo pissed off.

 

Why cant he just chill out in public. Is it me? It this whole aspergers thing just his way of covering up the fact that he doesnt want to be with me?

 

He gets soo ill looking whenever we are out. People (friends - if we are lucky enough to be out with them which is extremly rare) say to him you look awful.

 

Someone please help me cause I fell awful even writing this stuff, but he is really aggrevating me. The whole thing is!

 

But when hes good (like at home) he is amazing and i love him. I just want him to be relaxed all the time whatever we do.

 

Sorry for ranting I just need to get it out.

 

Hello,

 

many people with AS, adults included, want to fit in with everyone esle, but find it really difficult. People with an ASD have difficulties with 3 main areas - communication, socialisation and inflexibility of thought (triad of impairments). They may also have sensory issues, in the form of not liking certain smells, noises, lighting, not wanting to be touched (as can happen in crowded places as people accidentally brush past) and so, going out into a large crowd can be quite stressful for them. This can cause their anxieties to raise and they may shut down due to sensory overload. Many people with AS have difficulty coping with change and like to know before hand of what may happen when they are out. This gives them time to prepare themselves and understand what may happen. OAASIS has an information sheets for adults with AS and for partners of adults with AS which you may like to look at: http://www.oaasis.co.uk/documents/Info_She...rome_Assessment http://www.oaasis.co.uk/documents/Info_She...ers_Resources_2

It may be that your OH does not like busy places and that you may have to go alone, or with friends, but go somewhere less busy with him.

 

Best wishes

OAASIS

[KEW]

Chris - thanks for the reply. I know what you are saying, but I dont want him to be anyone but him, I really just wish I could help him relax.

 

After I had posted this morning I felt terrible for saying all those things.

 

I guess it will take a while to understand it.

 

I can go out with friends or on my own (I often do), but I really enjoy his company and I just wish he could be like he is at home when we go out.

 

Oh I dunno, maybe I was just having an off day myself.

 

[KEW]

OAASIS - Thanks for your reply.

 

I know about the sensory issues and the communication stuff. I guess sometimes I just find it frustrating. I know i shouldn't but I do.

 

The leaflets are very useful. Thanks.

[baddad]

I'd agree with both of the posts above, but would 'qualify' part of oaasis's post...

While some adults with AS do have anxieties around socialisation and may have a preference for social routines and planning my own experiences (as a careworker etc) would highlight this more as a problem for people with more profoundly compromised socialisation skills. Fot the most part I think 'aspies' who can socialise to the degree that they can meet, formulate, and negotiate social situations well enough to establish long term intimate relationships with other people have probably got enough conceptual understanding to 'meet halfway'. That's not, of course, to suggest that no 'adjustment' or compromises should be made; but I think it is an area that communication and negotiation has to be on an equal footing.

Thinking of your own situation and Chris54's reply above: it is unreasonable for you to expect your partner to be someone he isn't, but it is equally unreasonable for your partner to expect you to 'give up' aspects of your own life if they were aspects of your life that he contributed to in the early stages of the relationship.

If, on the other hand, these issue have always been part of your relationship (though I then find it difficult to understand how you got together in the first place?), then the changes you want are based on your changing expectations, and however much you might want to project that onto him it isn't his fault that he doesn't live up to your new expectations. (It's not yours either - people evolve over time and it may just be that you can't evolve together, which is just a sad reality of life).

 

So - in a nutshell: If social stuff has always been part of your relationship and he has managed that in the past, then even if he finds it 'difficult' he should make that effort sometimes for your benefit. If social stuff has always been problematic from day one and you have made adjustments for that in the past then even if you find that problematic you should make the effort sometimes for his benefit. If all these problems are 'new', then whose expectations have changed, and are those changes reasonable?

 

Finally: You've said it makes you sooo angry/upset that he doesn't want/doesn't enjoy socialisation. Flip that over, and you can see it's entirely reasonable for him to feel sooo angry/upset that you do want and enjoy socialisation. There's no 'right or wrong' in that, just 'difference', and just 'cos your kind of 'different' is the most common type of 'different' it's still unfair to make a value judgement. I think mobile phones, X-Factor and 4x4 cars, for example, are rubbish and I KNOW I'm in the minority on that. Anyone else in the same minority will be nodding their heads, but anyone outside of it is probably reading this via the browser on their mobile phone while drving their 4x4 at speed to a supermarket being opened by Susan Boyle and shaking their heads wildly in disagreement... But that doesn't make them right!

 

L&P

 

BD

[KEW]

Hi Baddad. Thanks for your reply.

 

The issues have always been there, and for the most dont bother me.

 

I like to do my own thing often, and understand when he doesn't want socialse and its ok, and I have told him that.

 

For his part, he does try and some out when I ask him to. Say to a party or something, although it is quite stressfull from when he knows about it till it happens. I try and give him as much notice as I can.

 

I guess the thing I find most frustrating is that I understand it when its new/other people, but I dont when its just me and him and the only person he has to talk to is me.

 

Its hard when the person sitting scross from you goes grey and is stressing out. Its hard to watch and know you cant help at all.

 

 

 

 

[Kazzen161]

I guess the thing I find most frustrating is that I understand it when its new/other people, but I dont when its just me and him and the only person he has to talk to is me.

 

Because of his sensory issues he can't shut out all the sights/sounds/smells going on around him, so from his point of view, it is not just you and him, but you, him and a whole lot of different and changing sensory input. Have you asked him what he finds stressful in that cafe? Could you find somewhere quieter, where he would be less stressed by all the sensory stuff, and could concentrate on having a conversation? If the having a conversation aspect is more important than the going out aspect - why not stay in?

[Tally]

Going pale can be a sign on anxiety. In frightening situations, the body can draw blood from the face to concentrate its resources on the parts of the body that enable you to fight or run away. This is obviously not a useful response to the kinds of situations that might make your husband anxious, and over an extended period of time can make you feel light-headed and unwell. People with Asperger's often find they have to work quite hard on the social side of things, but if you weren't feeling very well, it's easy to lose that concentration. This might explain why your husband finds it harder in these situations.

 

After this type of reaction, the body is left with a load of pent-up energy and adrenaline, which might explain why he seemed a bit hyper afterwards.

 

I think that what is upsetting you is the feelings you are attributing to him. His reaction makes you feel he doesn't want to be with you, but you may be completely misinterpreting the feelings that lead to this reaction. Talking to him at another time, while he is calm and relaxed, may help you to understand what is going on - though you need to be aware that people with Asperger's are not always able to articulate their feelings, or even recognise them in the first place. This can make it really difficult to work out what is actually going on. Looking up the physical signs of anxiety might be a helpful way for your husband to work out if this was what he was experiencing.

[Delyth]

Hello

 

My AS husband and I have been together for over 20 years on and off, and lived together for about 11 years. He was diagnosed 3 years ago.

 

I get frustrated sometimes and so does my DH. I think it's inevitable given the nature of AS and the general ups and down of every day life. It can be quite challenging at times. And I'm sure there isn't a parent here who hasn't had days of despair occasionally.

 

Be kind to yourself - I'm sure you are to your husband. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, so having an off day now and then is ok. Even an off month or so too.

 

In time you will be able to work out how to be together in ways that are not so stressful for either of you, it just might seem to take a long time to work it out. Well, it has for us anyway and we still get it wrong at times. And it might be a big disappointment to you to realise that your OH really can't do the social stuff - that's ok too, to be disappointed. I think the trick is to get your social needs met with other people and focus on other positive aspects of your relationship with your OH.

 

It isn't easy, so look after yourself.

 

Delyth

[bid]

Welcome to the forum, Kew

 

I'm an adult with a dx of AS. I've also been married for over 16 years now, have 4 kids and work.

 

However I can still find social situations really, really difficult. Kazzen makes some really good points about sensory overload. For example, when I'm in a busy place, my hearing and vision becomes very distorted, and I can hear all sounds at equal volume whatever the distance to me including people speaking. I also see 'too much' as well, such as the stitching on people's clothes, the hairs in their eyebrows, etc. As you can hopefully imagine, this is very disturbing and overwhelming!

 

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I have to say I'm surprised that you feel so cross if you can actually see that your DH is looking/feeling ill.

 

Bid

[Mumble]

I also see 'too much' as well, such as the stitching on people's clothes, the hairs in their eyebrows, etc.

You mean that's not normal?

 

[KEW]

Because of his sensory issues he can't shut out all the sights/sounds/smells going on around him, so from his point of view, it is not just you and him, but you, him and a whole lot of different and changing sensory input. Have you asked him what he finds stressful in that cafe? Could you find somewhere quieter, where he would be less stressed by all the sensory stuff, and could concentrate on having a conversation? If the having a conversation aspect is more important than the going out aspect - why not stay in?

 

 

Hi Kazzen

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Yeah we have talked about it, and he just finds the noise stressful and the people. His suggestions is for me to take a paper as he has nothing to say! Bit harsh I think

 

A quieter cafe is in order

[KEW]

Going pale can be a sign on anxiety. In frightening situations, the body can draw blood from the face to concentrate its resources on the parts of the body that enable you to fight or run away. This is obviously not a useful response to the kinds of situations that might make your husband anxious, and over an extended period of time can make you feel light-headed and unwell. People with Asperger's often find they have to work quite hard on the social side of things, but if you weren't feeling very well, it's easy to lose that concentration. This might explain why your husband finds it harder in these situations.

 

After this type of reaction, the body is left with a load of pent-up energy and adrenaline, which might explain why he seemed a bit hyper afterwards.

 

I think that what is upsetting you is the feelings you are attributing to him. His reaction makes you feel he doesn't want to be with you, but you may be completely misinterpreting the feelings that lead to this reaction. Talking to him at another time, while he is calm and relaxed, may help you to understand what is going on - though you need to be aware that people with Asperger's are not always able to articulate their feelings, or even recognise them in the first place. This can make it really difficult to work out what is actually going on. Looking up the physical signs of anxiety might be a helpful way for your husband to work out if this was what he was experiencing.

 

Hi Tally

 

Thats sounds exactly like him. I think you are right that I am "second guessing" what he is feeling.

 

We will look up anixety.

 

 

 

[KEW]

Hello

 

My AS husband and I have been together for over 20 years on and off, and lived together for about 11 years. He was diagnosed 3 years ago.

 

I get frustrated sometimes and so does my DH. I think it's inevitable given the nature of AS and the general ups and down of every day life. It can be quite challenging at times. And I'm sure there isn't a parent here who hasn't had days of despair occasionally.

 

Be kind to yourself - I'm sure you are to your husband. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, so having an off day now and then is ok. Even an off month or so too.

 

In time you will be able to work out how to be together in ways that are not so stressful for either of you, it just might seem to take a long time to work it out. Well, it has for us anyway and we still get it wrong at times. And it might be a big disappointment to you to realise that your OH really can't do the social stuff - that's ok too, to be disappointed. I think the trick is to get your social needs met with other people and focus on other positive aspects of your relationship with your OH.

 

It isn't easy, so look after yourself.

 

Delyth

 

Hey Delyth

 

I guess any realationship isnt easy right?

 

I think Ive had my off day and feel better now. We have just came back from a trip to Holland that was pretty good. Dont get me wrong he wasnt being mr socialable, but he was ok. And I love him lots, so I guess whatever happens it will all be ok.

 

[KEW]

Welcome to the forum, Kew

 

I'm an adult with a dx of AS. I've also been married for over 16 years now, have 4 kids and work.

 

However I can still find social situations really, really difficult. Kazzen makes some really good points about sensory overload. For example, when I'm in a busy place, my hearing and vision becomes very distorted, and I can hear all sounds at equal volume whatever the distance to me including people speaking. I also see 'too much' as well, such as the stitching on people's clothes, the hairs in their eyebrows, etc. As you can hopefully imagine, this is very disturbing and overwhelming!

 

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I have to say I'm surprised that you feel so cross if you can actually see that your DH is looking/feeling ill.

 

Bid

 

I guess I was just angry about it all really. You are right in that I should probably be more gracious if he is looking ill, but I was just frustated.

 

As I said earlier we have just came back from a little break away, which I think we needed.

 

Thanks for replying and I must say I do envy your "spidy" senses! Take care <'> <'>

[KEW]

You mean that's not normal?

 

Its like XMen, except its ASD Men