What to do at christmas?

[justine1]

Hi all

I am in a really awkward situation at the moment,my brother has invited me and my four kids to his place for christmas day and to be honest I dont want to go.First of all as I am a single parent it would be nice because he will do all the cooking and I can relax a little but thats about the only positive,I have not spent christmas day with him for many years because my ex didnt get on with him and his little family and last year we spent boxing day together.The negatives are:I dont know how my kids will behave on the day,one AS one possible ASD and two very boisterous NT,they can at times be little angels but this can change in minutes.I also think christmas is strictly for family and my brother has invited other people some of whom I dont know,this makes me uncomfortable,plus if the kids act up dont know their reaction!I dont drive so I cant just leave if things get to much I need to wait for my sisterin law to take us home.The other issue is my brothr has very expensive "things" even got new carpets two months ago,in the past he has got very angry when the kids touch things this upsets me,he also has a son who is very rough and he is also spoilt ,doesnt get told off properly,so it seems hard on my kids.So all in all I am worried that instead of it being relaxing I am going to be uptight,tense.I did tell him my concerns and actually said I wont come then spoke to my mum and dad neither of whom are in the UK right now so they want us to be together as a family,my mum said I should just take whichever son has a meltdown upstairs,seems fair enough but what happens to the other three esp. my baby who will be scared if I suddenly dissappear upstairs.Well I then said to him I will come,but have said this could change on the day,but now he has prepared everythig and I will feel so bad not to go,I hate dissappointing him but I think I would prefer to be at home where we are all relaxed and its unlikely any of them will have tantrums!What on earth should I do?

[oxgirl]

It's a difficult one. To be fair to him though, if you've said you'll come you need to let him know soon if you've changed your mind. Could you have dinner at your house with your children and just pop in to visit with your brother and his family for a couple of hours in the afternoon? Agree a time in advance that you'll stay to so that everyone knows where they stand and you'll know when it will end.

 

~ Mel ~

[baddad]

Hi

 

I think you're probably not doing yourself any long-term favours by edging away from your own life because of fears about how your kids might behave. That said, I can fully understand your apprehension, and there is no point in you being there if it just makes for a miserable day for you and a difficult one for the kids. So no easy answers I think ultimately you have to do what YOU want to do - taking the kids and your brother's feelings out of the equation. If YOU would like to go, don't let the kids steal that from you - and if they don't behave make them behave (seriously - they are kids, they shouldn't be dictating your life it should be the other way around). On the other hand, if YOU would rather just stay at home, then you should find a nice, polite way of saying that to your brother that won't (hopefully) cause offence. Given that you've already said yes, if the latter do so ASAP, as oxgirl suggests.

That compromise of going for tea also sounds like a good one...

If you would like to go then talk to your brother about the possible problems. If he's up for it, go for it - taking a 'you have been warned' sort of view of it all

But the most important thing, IMO is that you shouldn't not go because of the way your kids behave, and if they do act up after 'fair warning' come down on them hard. Don't treat the autistic child differently in that respect, other than making reasonable adjustments when you see they are necessary. He's just as capable of being un-angelic for non-autistic reasons as the other three.

Hope you have a good one, whatever you decide

 

L&P

 

BD

[justine1]

Thanks for your replys.No the kids are not dictating what I do at all in fact they would love to go and they know to behave when we there,I think its me!My brothers house is small and 90% of the time he comes to mine because of four kids my house is not as immaculate as his!I hate feeling caulstrophobic which I will do given the size of the house and the amount of people,big and little!My brother has an "odd" attitud towards my kids at times,like I say if for example his son is jumping on the furniture and one of mine does the same I will tell mine off and he will tell mine off but he wont do the same for his son,I know its his home but his son is at my home more often and I dont treat him this way,I leave them to sort him out if he is misbehaing and discipline my own kids.I did also think of going for a short visit but he said he is making lunch etc but like you say I have warned him that if we do come there may be melt downs and that it is likely we may not come,so he is aware.He does take offence when I say "no thanks" because I did say this then he told my parents who rang me nagging me makin me feel guilty Also the short visit is not practical in that they are a good 20 min drive away,so if I am there 3 hrs most of the day would have gone,saying that its worth considering.Either way I always see him over christmas,so will just make plans for day after boxing day(27th) or new yr.Thanks again its helped me get my head around things a bit!By the way my NT kids cause much more mayhem than my AS son,Boys will be boys!

[baddad]

Hi again Justine

Sorry - I don't think my other post was very clear ...

I thought from your post that your main concerns were about how the children might behave at your brother's and the difficulties that would arise if they played up. So when I said about them dictating your movements I meant it in terms of their behaviour putting you off of going rather than them not wanting to go / trying to stop you going. Hope that makes sense now (?)

If it's more to do with how you feel about going then I think the compromise (going for a few hours/going on boxing day) is probably the best way forward - but make it clear to your bro (if the former) that you can 'only stay for so long' and make sure your SIL is aware of that if she's the one you depend on for a lift.

 

I'm in a very different position here because my son has no sibs, so if we get invited out anywhere it's more a case of me going for him, IYSWIM. If you've got four at home and they play okay together then that's less of an imperative, but if they'd like to go i think the 'afternoon visit' or rescheduling for the 27th offers a good compromise again.

 

Hope that helps

 

L&P

 

BD

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Can you be honest and tell him what your fears/concerns are? If you're not feeling relaxed and comfortable for fear that the kids will misbehave, etc, the kids will likely pickup on that. Maybe one option would be to go, but for a set short period of time, another would be to have your brother over to visit you for a short period of time (hopefully bringing Christmas dinner with him!).

 

C.

[Kathryn]

You have to spend Christmas in the way that feels right for you and your family, and don't worry about what will please your parents.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

K x

[Sallya]

Justine,

I think days like this are possible, if you are prepared. Take a toy for each which will occupy them. Give them best behaviour warnings, and tell them how you want them to behave.

You've prewarned your brother, and told him about your misgivings, so I think you've got to feel the fear and do it anyway. So to speak!

Have a backup plan if things get too rowdy./claustrophobic. A trip to the park, or a walk to let off steam/wear them out.

s

xxx

[trekster]

Hi all

I am in a really awkward situation at the moment,my brother has invited me and my four kids to his place for christmas day and to be honest I dont want to go. First of all as I am a single parent it would be nice because he will do all the cooking and I can relax a little but thats about the only positive,

 

This post is really hard to read due to being in one paragraph. Personally i would just tell him straight that you cant mentally manage it.

I have not spent Christmas day with him for many years because my ex didn't get on with him and his little family and last year we spent boxing day together. The negatives are:I don't know how my kids will behave on the day, one AS one possible ASD and two very boisterous NT, they can at times be little angels but this can change in minutes.

 

This clearly indicates it could be too much both for yourself and your children. Do you think hes trying to help you out? Being a single mum i mean. What would you do instead that you could use to convince your brother "sorry bro i cant go this year as im doing x instead?"

I also think Christmas is strictly for family and my brother has invited other people some of whom I don't know, this makes me uncomfortable, plus if the kids act up don't know their reaction! I don't drive so I cant just leave if things get too much I need to wait for my sister-in law to take us home.

 

Sounds like you are scared of becoming trapped in an unresolvable situation? Even i would refuse to go somewhere i couldnt escape from when things got too much.

The other issue is my brother has very expensive "things" even got new carpets two months ago, in the past he has got very angry when the kids touch things this upsets me, he also has a son who is very rough and he is also spoilt, doesn't get told off properly, so it seems hard on my kids. So all in all I am worried that instead of it being relaxing I am going to be uptight, tense. I did tell him my concerns and actually said I wont come then spoke to my mum and dad neither of whom are in the UK right now so they want us to be together as a family, my mum said I should just take whichever son has a meltdown upstairs, seems fair enough but what happens to the other three esp. my baby who will be scared if I suddenly disappear upstairs.

 

Sounds like you need "the little book of no" it helps you to be able to stick up for yourself as stock phrases you can use to get folk off your back.

Well I then said to him I will come, but have said this could change on the day, but now he has prepared everything and I will feel so bad not to go, I hate disappointing him but I think I would prefer to be at home where we are all relaxed and its unlikely any of them will have tantrums! What on earth should I do?

 

His problem as you did warn him it could change. If he cannot understand that change that isnt your fault. Sounds like your brother is autistic to me since he didn't understand that "i might come" doesn't mean "i will come". Be firm tell him it will be too much for you to manage and you don't wish to get into a "i told you so" type discussion afterwards. Also mention you cannot cope with his reactions to your kids and that he scares them (if true). It is your xmas as well as his but you dont have to spend it together as you know yourself and kids better than he does.

 

Alexis

 

[trekster]

It's a difficult one. To be fair to him though, if you've said you'll come you need to let him know soon if you've changed your mind. Could you have dinner at your house with your children and just pop in to visit with your brother and his family for a couple of hours in the afternoon? Agree a time in advance that you'll stay to so that everyone knows where they stand and you'll know when it will end.

 

~ Mel ~

 

Thats another important point, routine is even more important around social times such as Xmas day when things are different on the tv and presents happen as well. i know some autistics that have to be told in advance what they are being given for Xmas as they cant cope with that uncertainty.

 

She mentioned she might come not that she will come, my reaction to that "i might come" would be "is there anything i can do to help you decide?" or "is something wrong maybe we could come to a workable solution" or "why do you think it will be too much for you?"

 

Harder to agree a length of time to stay if you cannot drive and you've got 4 kids, excellent idea if you can work around the transport issue though.

 

Alexis

 

[justine1]

Thank you Trekster.Sorry I didnt put it in paragraphs,I am usually typing with one hand,either holding my baby or trying to eat at the same time,hence I also use no punctuation!

My kids are not scared of my brother they do like him but my kids are mixed race so we sometimes feel that when he tells them off he has a prejeduce tone,sorry its very hard to explain what I mean as I dont want him to be seen as a racist cause he is not.He looks after kids on a daily basis as he works at a after school club and he has two at the club on the spectrum so he does understand certin things.He has had three strokes and has suffered depresiion in the past so I really feel guilty when saying "no" to him.

 

My brother does accept/understand it if I say "no" but I feel guilty and its mostly our parents who are putting pressure on me.

 

Anyway I think in the end I have decided not to go,its not the kids behaviour that I am worried about.I couldnt care less to make small talk with people I dont know,Like Trekster has mentiond since my eldest was born we have a routing on christmas and our own personal traditions,specific programmes we like to watch etc. I think the day will run smoothly if I am relaxed in my own home.There dad may come over anyway so he will take them for a drive which gives me a proper break.By the way it seems as though my 16 month old has flu,he has had a high temp for three days,really bad cough and my other two are in a similar situation,I know they may be better soon,but at least I have another excuse not to go!I will make plans to see him though.

 

thanks again eveyone for all your comments.