Hello, newly diagnosed son

[sleepflower]

Hello

 

In October my son who is about to turn 8 was diagnosed with Aspergers. He is awaiting having an assessment in school to see what his specific needs will be. I have been doing some reading around it and looking for as much information as I can.

 

The main problem is that his father (we are not together) is completely scathing of the diagnosis (despite being told by several professionals that it is the case). He seems to have taken parts (he clung on to the fact that lax joints cause his bad handwriting and says that L is just clumsy and has bad coordination). He also said the bullying L underwent last year was 'just playground banter' when it was actually fairly bad bulllying.

 

 

I am just worried that his lack of acceptance will lead to L not getting the help he needs - his father has already says he doesnt want L getting help if it will affect his educational choices (not sure what that means) and talked about taking L out of the assessment.

 

L is the centre of my world and has been since he was conceived (he was IVF). I split with his father when he was 2, but we have deliberately tried to always make the important decisions together, and be amicable for L's sake. Ever since L was born we have had lots of appointments, physio, ent, speech therapy, occupational therapy, EP, art therapy, child development (he was discharged age 3, however that was the same clinic baby P went to with a broken back and they didnt realise) which I have taken him to. I love L to pieces and just want him to get the help he needs, and to be happy. Currently we have not told L of his diagnosis.

 

If anyone has any ideas how to get his father to accept this, as I really do not know what to do...

 

thank you....M

 

[JonnyN]

Hi, speaking from experience of Aspergers it is of utmost importance that the father of your child adapts and supports your recently diagnosed son. With the right support and correct parenting, you must be able to encourage your child, as with any neurotypical, to achieve the best that he can. An aspie brain is not very much different than the normal brain, I would say its just unbalanced, where we dont do well in certain things, we do twice as well in others.

 

Acceptence has got to be the primary goal for the father of your child, I would recommend that the father of your child was encouraged at the very least to get a better understanding of Aspergers before he made any judgement. Theres plenty on the net about it. I'm still trying to understand myself, everyday I search different sites and look for books about certain things. At the moment im studying Aspie relationships for example as im looking for a relationship. The good out of this is that Aspergers has been recognised early for your son and there is so much support out there for your son. Your son needs to understand in the future aswell and the more support he has, the better he will understand.

 

Make no mistake, Aspergers is not wholy such a bad thing, we just interpret things differently and think a little bit differently. With the right support from both you and the father of your child, you may just find that what you were worried about might turn out to be false. Some of the worlds greatest inventors and business people have been thought to have been an Aspie.

[justine1]

Hi welcome to the forum.My 6 yr old has AS,I am also on my own left my kids father last FEb and I am in a similar situation.My ex believes everyone,GP schools etc,are "ganging" up on our family by saying Sam has a problem,its really hard to get him to understand,he sees nothing wrong with Sam especially as Sam is intelligent and makes us laugh and the fact he is honest.As far as I know he cannot stop you from getting the help your son need even if he has parental responsibility,as your son is in YOUR care its ultimatley your decision,if he doesnt agree he can take you to court but thats unlikely,just try stay firm on your decision I know how hard it is,its a real battle In the end all I can do is make sure my son gets the help he needs,in the long run I a sure my ex will see it that way and see the benefits.You have come to the right place,there is lots of help and support on here.

[Sally44]

It may just take time. Even if he is having regular contact with his son, that may amount to one or two days a week? This will probably be on a one to one basis. In those circumstances he may well appear not to have many difficulties. You cannot make anyone believe the dx. I had years of my parents talking about 'firm boundaries' etc. Well we had those. My husband would say there was nothing wrong. But I could see the difference when we went to children's parties or social gatherings. When he started school I knew he didn't have the skills needed either academically, emotionally or socially.

My husband has never been to a meeting, seminar or read a book. I done just about everything. But I suppose the information I had was a slow drip effect on my husband. So every time my son did something that would be considered 'autistic' I would point it out to my husband and also give my understanding of how that difficulty could be helped or improved. My husband now has a much better idea.

My son is not making good progress in school. So 'life choices' can be limited by a child not getting the support they need.

I think you just need to continue doing what you are doing. And try to give him little pieces of information as and when it happens. Maybe your husband is worried that a dx will mean some kind of loss of parental control and your son could end up in a special school or something similar???

If he has a dx of Aspergers he is likely to be high functioning and may well do okay academically. You will probably have to fight tooth and nail to get the supports and professional input your child needs. That is simply because it costs the school and LA money to meet your child's needs. No-one is going to be falling over themselves to help you. If you explain that to your husband he might become a little more proactive.

Sometimes people just take on different roles. In my case I became the 'autism expert', and my husband maintained normal family life. So we balanced eachother out. You might be coming across to your husband as being totally obsessed about this dx. But I think that is almost inevitable because there is no manual you are given along with the dx. We have all had to find it out ourselves and learn how the dx affects our individual children.

Maybe your husband feels that all these labels and assessments are going to be a stigma and some kind of barrier. But if you do nothing your son's difficulties may well cause a stigma and a barrier to all kinds of things. People give labels to others whether or not they have a dx. So a label of Aspergers is probably better than some of the other labels or names he could be called because of any of his behaviours or difficulties or querks or obsessions etc.

But I would say it took my husband a good two years to come to terms with his dx.

[sleepflower]

thank you for your tips. L's father has agreed to read the book on aspergers I bought so hopefully that will move him forward.

 

I got a letter from speech therapy today about him having some sessions on how to talk to other children so things are moving forwards.

 

thanks again, M