Parenting course

[lucyemma]

Not sure where to start really....ds1 who's 6 started a new school beginning of Nov as his progress was going backwards at his other school where he had been since Jan (we had moved house and he had to change schools). New school has an excellent record and less than 100 kids altogether. We knew that he would be unsettled when he started which proved to be the case, but he has been a lot calmer in the last 2-3 weeks.

 

Ds's problems are mainly interacting with other people especially his peers. He wants to have friends and seems to understand what he has to do but can't put it into practise. He has never had a friend. He seems to get obsessed by a person who he wants to be friends with and then won't leave them alone. He knows people don't want to be his friend so he just annoys people all the time and says "even if I annoy them and they say nasty thngs back, then at least someones talking to me". He has never understood imaginative play and would rather build things, listen to music or watch anything with lights. He has no understanding of jokes other than slapstick humour. He flaps his hands when he gets excited. He can't read expressions or understand tone of voice very well. He is really bright and reads books for 10 year olds easily. He loves learning about science and his current fave subject is particle physics and he can correctly explain all about E=mc2 etc.

 

Ds1 has not been diagnosed yet we saw paed firstly in June and then again in October...next appt Feb. Paed spent 1 hour taking his history on first appt and spent about 5 mins with ds. Second appt she examined him and then sent him to play with nurse...again about 10 mins with him. At the end of the second appt she said she thought his problem was probably autistic and she would chase ed psyc to make a school visit, get a speech and language assessment done and paed would also assess him at school.

 

Headteacher has now contacted paed and between them they have decided that paed does not need to make a school visit because things have calmed down (thats fine by us) but that my husband and I should seriously consider attending a parenting course. Headteacher gave me the form to fill in and a brief cover sheet of what it was all about. It's a course run by social services and on this 1 page of info about the course it clearly states 3 times that "this course is NOT suitable for children who have or in the process of being diagnosed with an ASD". It's a 12 week course where someone comes to your home and teaches you how to deal with your childs behaviour. I feel utterly mortified, do they think his behaviour is all our fault and we are bad parents? Son was really distressed at his other school (long long story) and his anger and tantrums were awful so we contacted Parentline Plus (March) and did a 6 week 1-1 telephone course with them. They guy we dealt was a lifesaver - a retired headteacher of an autistic school and on our first session he said "he sounds just like the kids in my school" and told us to take him to our GP. He gave us tips based on what he used for the boys at his school and they were really good. Every conversation he would comment that we were clearly good parents who put a lot of hard work into dealing with his behaviour. He advised using 123Magic to deal with his behaviour and it works a good deal of the time.

 

Because son does not play imaginatively he always wants me to play games or do things with him. We struggle to do anything when he's around as he requires so much attention, how can we be considered to be bad parents. You'd think we neglected him and never did anything for him. Now, we're going to discuss with paed what the heck is going on but I'm worried that if we don't agree to this is it going to look bad on us? I'm very concerned that the headteacher will be less willing to help out with his social skills at school if we don't do this. Moreover, I've read through loads of stuff on ASD's and he fits the bill perfectly, is it just me or does his behaviour sound normal to anyone else?!?! Just feel really upset at the moment, any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

[justine1]

Hello,my son is also six and just been diagnosed with Aspergers.First of all your son sounds similar to mine in many ways,especially the "clinging" on to one friend,though my son doesnt play with me because he doesnt really interact with anybody,he is also into music and lights.

 

Your paed appts are also quite similar,except the second appt she spent time doing activities with my son this was about 40 min,it was block sequence building,looking at a picture and explaning in detail what he can see,then questions on opposites,things that are similar and lastly she asked him about what he likes to do,who his friends are etc.Even I got to see my son in a new light at this appt,prehaps I thought his behaviour was just his personality and he was a bit different but afte watching him I KNEW he is autistic.

So it is a concern that your paed didnt seem to do any of these activities and spent so little time with your son.What confuses me is that your paed told you he could be autistic but then said he doesnt need furthur help and has not actually givin a diagnosis.My paed sent a report out after the first appt which stated my son has social an communication difficulties(this was also forwarded to the school) then at the end of the second(which was total 1hr 45 min)she said he is on the spectrum and she is sure due to his intelligence that its Aspergers she then gave me loads of info and support group application forms,it was two weeks ago so will take another 5 weeks to get it in writing but she already informed my sons school and the ed physch and autism teacher will come to see him in the new term.

 

I dont really know why they suggesting parenting course when your paed has said he could be autistic?Is your son going fo another appt?Maybe you could clarify with the paed wether he is autistic or not,and ask how long it will take to get a report to state a diagnosis.I also think you should speak to the school again and insist a ed physch see your son,my sons school refused for two months to get the ed physch in as they claimed he needed a diagnosis now he has one they comlainig ed physch is going to come in such a long time,as my son has been excluded twice now.What have the school said about your son?Have they shown any concern?My son also does will academically but his social prbelms cause alot of disruption to his schooling and to that of other children.My son is in yr 2 now and since reception the school showed their concern.Surely if they showing concern they would be supporting what you believe to be the problem not agreeing to send you to parenting courses?

 

Saying all that...before I went for a diagnosis I also went on a similar parenting course to the one you mention whereby a lady came into the home and gave me lots of helpful advice it was also meant to be 12 weeks but the lady was so impressed with my skills she made it 6 weeks,I did learn something from it though,in reletion to my eldest son(9) basically she showed me how I could spend one to one time with him even for 15min and it made a difference.Because I have four kids the parenting course helped for all of them,I am not sure I would have done it if it was just Sam because his problems are so complex its clear its not down to me.Maybe you need to tell the school that you have read the parenting course is not for those persuing an ASD diagnosis and ask them if there is an ASD specific parenting course you can do instead.First though you really need to speak to the paed if you feel you getting nowhere go back to the GP and explain your concerns.

[KezT]

The professional services are always going to look at home life/parenting issues first, before spending time and money on multi-disciplinary reports & dx etc. It's partly a question of resources, but also of probability - where children are showing disturbed behaviour, the most likely explanation is that one - sad but true!

 

We've just finished the 12 week webster stratten course - even CAMHS (who sent us off on it) agreed it was probably pointless for DS, and in fact we've just had two separate reports through stating "no issues with parenting" and "very capable parenting skills" but TBH it is simpler to jump their hoops/tick their boxes than argue with them over something that really won't hurt anyone. Actually, the course was faily good (if slightly annoying in parts) - if we had gone on it two or three years ago, we would probably have found it useful. We were pretty much forced to work out all the relevent techniques ourselves as it took so much effort to get any professionals involved in DS - precisely because both we and the school were coping well with his needs. grrrrrrrr.

 

Anyway, i have tto say that CAMHS have definitely been much more receptive to what we are saying since attending the course. IMO it was worth doing just to get that side of things done & dusted. And if you learn any useful skills on the way, that is a bonus;)

[Sally44]

It might be worthwhile sending in a letter to the paediatrician clarifying what was discussed. Say that the paediatrician said it sounds like ASD, and I would then say that YOU WANT THE PAEDIATRICIAN TO GO INTO SCHOOL to observe your child in school both in the classroom and playground. Our Developmental Paediatrician did go into school. It sounds like school have spoken with the Paediatrician and appear to have other opinions as to the root of the behaviour. So put in your letter that school have given you this form to complete about a parenting course, which specifically states that it is not suitable for parents of children with, or in the process of, receiving a diagnosis of an ASD. Make it very clear that in your opinion his difficulties are consistent with an ASD (if that is what you believe), and not down to bad parenting.

You can also contact the National Autistic Society about where you can get a diagnosis. In most areas there are specialist ASD schools that can do assessments.

Although it is great to hear "he has calmed down", be very careful that school do not use this as an excuse to do nothing.

If he has an ASD and receives a diagnosis that means that his needs will cost the school and LEA money to support him. He has to have 'significant needs' to even receive a diagnosis.

His diffiuclties with social interaction and communication should be assessed by a SALT. Although he is reading way above his years, all aspects of his expressive and receptive speech needs to be assessed, as well as comprehension etc. There are many autistic children who can read way above their years, but do not have the understanding or comprehension behind what they are reading.

Some of this forum have been on parenting courses and have found it useful.

We have never been advised to go on a parenting course. My son has a diagnosis of an ASD, along with other dx as well.

[Sally44]

I also wanted to add that the fact that his is brilliant in some areas eg. science, and very poor in other areas, ie. social interaction = "a spiky profile". This is also consistent with an ASD. My son is also brilliant in some areas - percentile of 93 - and very poor in others - percentile of 2.

[rach04]

I did the parenting course before diagnosis. A- its great to meet parents in the same situation as you and B- it helps in geting the diagnosis. I sat in the course mainly aimed at kids with adhd saying but my lad doesnt do that for the whole 6 weeks. She then threw me off the course (nicely lol) and a week letter i got letters for him to go and see the specialist 6 weeks later he was diagnosed!!! Its a matter of course for them the cheapest option first before going for the expense of seeing the specialist,asd team etc.

But as teenage years have hit us now some of the things i learnt at the courses has really helped. Moral give it a try it cant hurt. <'>

[lucyemma]

Thank you all so much for your advice. The school have been very concerned about his behaviour. Just 3 days after starting at the school his teacher said that he "clearly had a big problem with social skills". After 3 weeks I was called in and spent 45 mins with teacher as they were at a loss as to what to try next with him. In the end they rang the paediatrician to ask for her advice.

 

Had a letter in the post from paediatrician this morning....it gets worse!! She has sent letters to the ed psych several times requesting his involvement but now (after talking to the school) she has decided that this his involvement is only required if the school sees fit at some later date. Her request for a speech and language assessment has been put on hold again....ONLY if the school thinks it necessary it could be done in the spring term. She will not go and see him in school unless...yep you guessed it....the school feel it is necessary at a later date. We have another appt with her in Feb and by that time all she will have done in 10 months is a few blood tests (all ok) and a GARS and Connors questionnaire filled in by us and his previous school.

 

Apparently it was the paediatrician who suggested this parenting course. Will try and speak to her on Monday. Thanks Sally44 I had not thought of contacting NAS about getting an assessment elsewhere.

[Sally44]

Also get yourself a copy of the Code of Practice. You can download it from this site.

The CoP is the procedure school/LEA are supposed to go through with the Special Educatonal Needs (SEN) process.

So as your child moves to school action, and then to school action plus (SAP). At SAP the school is supposed to call in outside professionals for advice. That would include the SALT and EP.

So do you know where you are in the SEN process???

At each stage the CoP gives guidance on what should be done. So it is very important that you have a copy and read through the relevant section.

The SEN is a graduated approach. So as more is put into place there is supposed to be an improvement with the child. And it depends where the difficulties are. So don't believe it if school say "he is doing okay academically". It isn't just about academic achievement. The CoP also talks about social interaction/communication, emotional development, behaviour, sensory difficulties. All those areas need support and professional input.

If the school has recognised that he has poor social skills they should contact the SALT and have them assess (as well as the EP). Social use of language/social communication etc is the remit of SALT. But it takes a while for them to admit that unless you know that. It took me three years to find that one out!

So find out where he is in the SEN process. Then write to school stating that as they have identified that he has poor social skills and behavioural difficulties which maybe due to an ASD have they contacted outside agencies for them to come and assess your son in school.

So definately contact the NAS about diagnosis.

Also contact IPSEA at www.ipsea.org.uk - they know about your educational rights and the SEN process.

And from now on start documenting everything. You need everything in writing. Because if you do end up at an educational tribunal in the future you need documented evidence of all this. So always follow up any verbal conversation with a clarification letter.

Also contact your local Parent Partnership through your LEA. Although they are paid by the LEA, they are there to support parents through the SEN process and they do have to go by the book. But definately get the CoP as sometimes even the PP need to be shown the relevant chapter!! But they can go with you to any meetings in school. Any IEP (individual education plan) meetings to set targets. And they can help make sure the targets are SMART (specific, measurable, achieveable, relevant and time specific.)

[JsMum]

 

 

Hi Lucyemma.

 

As a mum who has been a numerous parenting courses I do understand where your coming from, many parenting courses are not designed for children with special needs, in our area they totally forgot about providing a parenting course for special needs, yet they remembered nt children and teenagers! I felt angry at that, but looking back throw the number of courses I have done I have actually enjoyed, when J was six I recieved a specialist family course and she did support me a lot, she really helped me sort out a visual day planner a reward chart and she listened to me too, it was only for six weeks but it was amazing what we did together, her report also supported me too when she said I was a capable parent, I did other parenting courses too, a nurturing course, which I loved, Ive doen ADHD parenting coruses and others like the tripple p teens parenting course, which I had a 1-1 parenting tutor who understood Js ASD and ADHD, and agreed that our area should be providing more spersific courses, in her report it also supported me, and it gave evidence we had to modify the course to meet Js individual special needs.

 

I do understand the shock that someone proffessional suggests a parenting course when our children have special needs and its not what is needed but if I hadnt of gone on the NT courses I wouldnt of found some of the ideas I have now, I wouldnt of met the tutors who supported me and made me feel I do a good job as a parent, so looking back I am still glad I did the courses available at the time, idealy I would like to attend a spersific Needs parenting course, we are trying to get that provided in our area, the more parents who attend the NT parenting courses with children on the spectrum they might just have to buy in a spersific service.

 

I have nothing to be ashamed about the fact that I have been on a parenting course, I found things that definately didnt work and I used my creative side to find something that might help support J that I might not of found on a spersific course, the parents on many of the courses had similair problems with their children too, many had ADHD and later in the years AS/D added.

 

So it maybe by going on a NT Parenting course you might surprised just how many other parents out there actually have special needs undx/dx children.

 

I am only saying just look a bit further into the parenting course.

 

If you are not happy with your sons Education I would request a statatory assessment, appeal if they dont.

 

National Autistic Society have a educational helpline to discuss the issues around the speech and language assessment and the ed psych assessment, Im sure this is not upto schools descretion, if so then there is something not right in your local authority.

 

JsMumxxx