Hello from a partner

[Melanster]

Hi everyone

 

I'm married to someone who I think is undiagnosed Aspergers. I have read in various articles about Aspergers traits in adulthood and see some traits in my partner (difficulties with empathy, negative ruminations, self obsessed with specific topics, anger, obsessive behaviour and thoughts, alcoholism, difficulties with boundaries). It has not been smooth sailing and attempts to try to talk about things have resulted in countless arguements, misunderstandings, and unresolved feelings. I have my own personal issues, I will be the first to admit, and my own shortcomings in maintaining long term relationships have reared its ugly head in my relationship with my partner. I feel very alone and disconnected. My partner's parents have passed away and his brothers don't keep in regular touch -- my family (parents, siblings) live in Canada and although we do have some friends in London, they are not close and do not necessarily experience what I experience. I have brought up the idea of Aspergers to my partner, to which he hasn't denied. Anyways, I'd like to hear from anyone who has a partner with AS or someone with AS who is married.

thanks

[bid]

Hi Melanster.

 

I have a dx of AS and I've been married for over 16 years.

 

Can I just say that anger, alcoholism and difficulties with boundaries are most certainly NOT traits of AS. If you read the DSM diagnostic criteria such things don't appear at all.

 

I think there are quite a few very misleading things around at the moment, especially on-line, which seem to link various negative behaviours to AS, in particular with adult men.

 

Anyhoo, welcome to the forum.

 

Bid

 

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

I am an adult with AS. I am not in a relationship, but I have been in the past. It can definitely make things interesting, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing if both partners want to make things work.

 

Probably the best thing you and your husband can do now is try to learn more about Asperger's and see if it still makes sense.

[Melanster]

Hi Melanster.

 

I have a dx of AS and I've been married for over 16 years.

 

Can I just say that anger, alcoholism and difficulties with boundaries are most certainly NOT traits of AS. If you read the DSM diagnostic criteria such things don't appear at all.

 

I think there are quite a few very misleading things around at the moment, especially on-line, which seem to link various negative behaviours to AS, in particular with adult men.

 

Anyhoo, welcome to the forum.

 

Bid

 

 

Thanks for your message Bid. I've worked with young people with Aspergers so I'm familiar with the DSM, but I wanted to get a personal perspective from others who have been there, as well as from adults with aspergers. I can imagine that negative behaviours arise from others not understanding Aspergers (my husband grew up in northeastern England in a working class town and he was bullied for being different). Anyways, we have our ups and downs like all couples, we are both aware of each other's shortcomings and try our best to not blow things out of perspective.

Melanster

[Melanster]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

I am an adult with AS. I am not in a relationship, but I have been in the past. It can definitely make things interesting, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing if both partners want to make things work.

 

Probably the best thing you and your husband can do now is try to learn more about Asperger's and see if it still makes sense.

 

 

Hi Tally

 

There are many positive things about my husband (sensitive, creative, intelligent) which balances him out and has made my life more interesting -- I do need to keep things in perspective, same as he. We are learning to say sorry a lot sooner, instead of ranting on and making things worse. I am also learning to communicate very clearly to him what I am thinking and feeling, and that also helps.

Melanster

[Vanna]

hi Melanster, welcome to the forum.

 

I'm married too, but have un-diagnosed AS (for myself - not husband) for which I am pursuing a diagnoses. I agree, marriage is hard at the best of times, never mind when you throw in any excess baggage, such as AS, etc! It can be hard when the AS person can't differentiate moods, tones, or have empathy, or express emotion in a normal way.

 

However from personal experience, I do think it is different when it affects women rather than men, as we do tend to be more emotive and expressive then our Aspie male counterparts.

 

We live in London, but I am from the states, so that is where all my family is, so that's another issue between us, always only being my husband and I and never having anyone else in our life. He is not from London, so neither of us have anyone down here, so to speak.... which can be hard and lonely I guess.

 

Personally, the more we as a couple have learned about AS, the more we think it explains a lot of what I do and helps to allow him to try and understand me. And it also has helped me so much to understand something of myself that I have gone almost 30 yrs just thinking I was odd, and no one understanding me, which is a pretty huge deal for me.

 

good luck and hang in there!

 

Vanna

[Tally]

Personally, the more we as a couple have learned about AS, the more we think it explains a lot of what I do and helps to allow him to try and understand me. And it also has helped me so much to understand something of myself that I have gone almost 30 yrs just thinking I was odd, and no one understanding me, which is a pretty huge deal for me.

Hopefully, learning about AS can eventually help you realise how your husband differs from you, so that you can make adjustments too. I think it's really important in a relationship that you meet each other half-way where possible.

[Melanster]

hi Melanster, welcome to the forum.

 

I'm married too, but have un-diagnosed AS (for myself - not husband) for which I am pursuing a diagnoses. I agree, marriage is hard at the best of times, never mind when you throw in any excess baggage, such as AS, etc! It can be hard when the AS person can't differentiate moods, tones, or have empathy, or express emotion in a normal way.

 

However from personal experience, I do think it is different when it affects women rather than men, as we do tend to be more emotive and expressive then our Aspie male counterparts.

 

We live in London, but I am from the states, so that is where all my family is, so that's another issue between us, always only being my husband and I and never having anyone else in our life. He is not from London, so neither of us have anyone down here, so to speak.... which can be hard and lonely I guess.

 

Personally, the more we as a couple have learned about AS, the more we think it explains a lot of what I do and helps to allow him to try and understand me. And it also has helped me so much to understand something of myself that I have gone almost 30 yrs just thinking I was odd, and no one understanding me, which is a pretty huge deal for me.

 

good luck and hang in there!

 

Vanna

 

 

Thanks Vanna for your message and support. Through all the difficulties we've encountered, we are still each other's best friend. We are trying to understand each other (although easier for me to try understand him, as there is an AS framework to work with. Although I do try to tell him what I'm like, I'm not aware of my behaviour as so much of it is unconscious and only when my partner reacts to things I do or say, do I realise what I am doing -- hope that made sense).

 

[Vanna]

hi Melanster

Well at least you two are still committed to be there for each other no matter what, so that's a great start. Another thing is sometimes when he is reacting it may not be only what you just said/did. It could be building up. Then again, that could be just me... Sometimes things bother me for a long time as I tend to bottle all my feelings and then I will just explode, randomly. I'm trying to be aware of it, but it's something I've done since childhood. A lot of behaviour IS subconscious, that's why it's so hard to change - unless you know why you absolutely have to. Good Luck

 

 

[Ric]

Thanks for your message Bid. I've worked with young people with Aspergers so I'm familiar with the DSM, but I wanted to get a personal perspective from others who have been there, as well as from adults with aspergers. I can imagine that negative behaviours arise from others not understanding Aspergers (my husband grew up in northeastern England in a working class town and he was bullied for being different). Anyways, we have our ups and downs like all couples, we are both aware of each other's shortcomings and try our best to not blow things out of perspective.

Melanster

 

[trekster]

Hi Melanster.

 

I have a dx of AS and I've been married for over 16 years.

 

Can I just say that anger, alcoholism and difficulties with boundaries are most certainly NOT traits of AS. If you read the DSM diagnostic criteria such things don't appear at all.

 

I think there are quite a few very misleading things around at the moment, especially on-line, which seem to link various negative behaviours to AS, in particular with adult men.

 

Anyhoo, welcome to the forum.

 

Bid

 

i disagree anger can be a major problem for autistics. ive got severe boundary issues and one book on autism and alcohol suggests a link.

 

[baranigirl]

I am convinced my partner used alcohol as his prop for his still to be dx AS, even he can see the link having given up drinking (he was not an alcoholic but 'needed to unwind with one' after work) just over a year ago, the past 18 months have been a living hell for me and the children

[Karen A]

Hi everyone

 

I'm married to someone who I think is undiagnosed Aspergers. I have read in various articles about Aspergers traits in adulthood and see some traits in my partner (difficulties with empathy, negative ruminations, self obsessed with specific topics, anger, obsessive behaviour and thoughts, alcoholism, difficulties with boundaries).

 

Hi Melanster.

I have a son who was diagnosed with AS last year.He can certainly demonstrate empathy and does not ruminate about negative things.

I do not have AS and my husband certainly does not have AS.

However I have in the past exhibited most of the difficulties you describe including difficulties with empathry,negative ruminations,obsessions,anger and difficulties with boundaries.

Fortunately I did not grow up in an environment where alcohol was accepted as a way of dealing with difficulties otherwise I would almost certainly have been an alcoholic.

My behaviour in the past placed our relationship under extreme stress.

I mention all of these things to demonstrate that generalisations are not always helpful.

As you will gather I am a women.I had a recognised history of chidhood trauma which caused anxiety and depression when my history caught up with me.

All of the traits you detail can be related to various mental health difficulties .

I have remained with my partner and our relationship is now much more healthy than it was.

However this is largely due to a commitment on my part to work on the issues behind the difficulties we experienced.

The same could be said if your partner does have AS.

A diagnosis may help him to understand himself better.However it would not provide a reason for lack of empathy,obsessions,anger or alcoholism to be acceptable for you to live with any more than my previous difficulties made my behaviour acceptable for my husband.

Karen.

 

[Delyth]

Hi Melanster

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

My partner was AS diagnosed just over three years ago. We've been together for the past 20 years and have three children. Since he was diagnosed and the difficulties he has with communication understood by both of us, our relationship has become much stronger. Now we can generally work through issues rather than going round and round all the time! Before this diagnosis though, we were both pretty miserable and our relationship was very troubled. It was a very lonely time indeed.

 

There is a support group for partners in east london - www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk and you would be welcome to come along and share your experiences if it would help.

 

In the meantime, feel free to ask any questions or share. It's probably best to post in the "Beyond Adolescence" area.

 

Best wishes

 

Delyth

[Melanster]

i disagree anger can be a major problem for autistics. ive got severe boundary issues and one book on autism and alcohol suggests a link.

 

 

One of the speech and language therapists I work with works with teenagers with Aspergers and she says her sessions end up as counselling sessions, as they are very angry with their peers and don't understand them. My husband has anger issues - the littlest things can result in explosive behaviour. Nights out have been a nightmare, especially with alcohol involved. I've drastically reduced the amount of alcohol I drink when out, because I don't want to react negatively and angrily to my husband's inappropriate behaviour (e.g. flirting openly with other women in front of me) although I feel I have every right to be angry with that.

[Melanster]

I am convinced my partner used alcohol as his prop for his still to be dx AS, even he can see the link having given up drinking (he was not an alcoholic but 'needed to unwind with one' after work) just over a year ago, the past 18 months have been a living hell for me and the children

[/quo

 

My husband is not an alcoholic but likes a drink to 'unwind' -- the problem is that he doesn't know when to stop, and continues to drink and gets argumentative. I don't like having conversations with him when he's in this state because he will dredge up the past and all the nasty things that I have done to him (which I hope I have made amends for). Afterwards (e.g. the morning after) we talk about it and he is more aware of the effect alcohol has on us. I sympathise with you, it is an absolute nightmare, I hope things are better for you and the children.

[Spooky]

Hiya Mel,

 

Booze mixed with any kind of issues or problems can often make any given situation a lot worse.

Being on the AS can make us blame a lot of things on AS that have no real relationship to it. A lot of the time trying to decide what is caused by autism and what is just simple errant or bad behaviour is very difficult. Age can also be a factor (I'm 44 and have a nice shiny 2 seater sports car when I have 3 kids and a wife at home)(we do have a family car as well) so occasionally us middle aged kids can behave a little *unusually* to say the least

The house being taken over by my Lego addiction is starting to wind the wife up as well (of course the 200 Lego kits are for the kids honey not me)

 

It may sound daft but try making light of the AS situation if you can?? it may not work for you and is not very politically correct but it can sometimes provide light relief. (my father in law refers to me as "the pleb" and the wife thinks there should be a new catagory on Who Wants to Be A Millionare called ask the spaz (I have an iq in the high 160's so often can answer most of the questions))

 

It can make the situation lighter and allow people to see the less serious side of being autistic.

 

Doesn't work for everybody but it does for us

 

best wishes

 

Spookz

[Melanster]

Hi Melanster.

I have a son who was diagnosed with AS last year.He can certainly demonstrate empathy and does not ruminate about negative things.

I do not have AS and my husband certainly does not have AS.

However I have in the past exhibited most of the difficulties you describe including difficulties with empathry,negative ruminations,obsessions,anger and difficulties with boundaries.

Fortunately I did not grow up in an environment where alcohol was accepted as a way of dealing with difficulties otherwise I would almost certainly have been an alcoholic.

My behaviour in the past placed our relationship under extreme stress.

I mention all of these things to demonstrate that generalisations are not always helpful.

As you will gather I am a women.I had a recognised history of chidhood trauma which caused anxiety and depression when my history caught up with me.

All of the traits you detail can be related to various mental health difficulties .

I have remained with my partner and our relationship is now much more healthy than it was.

However this is largely due to a commitment on my part to work on the issues behind the difficulties we experienced.

The same could be said if your partner does have AS.

A diagnosis may help him to understand himself better.However it would not provide a reason for lack of empathy,obsessions,anger or alcoholism to be acceptable for you to live with any more than my previous difficulties made my behaviour acceptable for my husband.

Karen.

 

My husband and I have worked very hard to try to understand each other -- we've gone some serious upheavals and have considered ending the relationship several times. I would say that I love him more than I ever have -there are still some anxious moments -- e.g. when we go out and there is alcohol involved -- but what I have tried to do, is to talk about it beforehand. Sometimes, my husband reacts with anger whenever I bring up the issue and turns the issue around pointing the finger at me and my behaviour when I drink (I have drastically reduced the amount I drink, since being married). What has worked for us is listeing and communication, which is hard work!!

 

[Melanster]

Hiya Mel,

 

Booze mixed with any kind of issues or problems can often make any given situation a lot worse.

Being on the AS can make us blame a lot of things on AS that have no real relationship to it. A lot of the time trying to decide what is caused by autism and what is just simple errant or bad behaviour is very difficult. Age can also be a factor (I'm 44 and have a nice shiny 2 seater sports car when I have 3 kids and a wife at home)(we do have a family car as well) so occasionally us middle aged kids can behave a little *unusually* to say the least

The house being taken over by my Lego addiction is starting to wind the wife up as well (of course the 200 Lego kits are for the kids honey not me)

 

It may sound daft but try making light of the AS situation if you can?? it may not work for you and is not very politically correct but it can sometimes provide light relief. (my father in law refers to me as "the pleb" and the wife thinks there should be a new catagory on Who Wants to Be A Millionare called ask the spaz (I have an iq in the high 160's so often can answer most of the questions))

 

It can make the situation lighter and allow people to see the less serious side of being autistic.

 

Doesn't work for everybody but it does for us

 

best wishes

 

Thanks for the message. I agree that humour can diffuse a situation -- my husband and I have developed some stock phrases and pet names to let the other know that we are just joking. The thing we would like most is family and close friends around to act as a buffer so that it's just not the two of us --interactions between us can be intense and serious-- but we are working on developing relationships with people in our area.

 

Spookz

 

[Tally]

I've drastically reduced the amount of alcohol I drink when out, because I don't want to react negatively and angrily to my husband's inappropriate behaviour (e.g. flirting openly with other women in front of me) although I feel I have every right to be angry with that.

Erm . . . yes you do have every right! You should not have to walk on eggshells around someone who is behaving unreasonably. Some people have relationships where that kind of thing is accepted, but anyone who wants an unusual relationship like that really ought to have sought their partner's consent before assuming it's acceptable. Presumably you have told him that you don't find this acceptable. Why would he want to carry on doing something that upsets you?

 

My husband is not an alcoholic but likes a drink to 'unwind' -- the problem is that he doesn't know when to stop, and continues to drink and gets argumentative.

You may not call it alcoholism, but if he is unable to stop once he starts, that is a type of drink problem.

 

Afterwards (e.g. the morning after) we talk about it and he is more aware of the effect alcohol has on us.

You seem to have got stuck at the first step. You have both recognised that drinking is bad for your relationship. You both carry on drinking anyway.

[Melanster]

Hi Melanster

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

My partner was AS diagnosed just over three years ago. We've been together for the past 20 years and have three children. Since he was diagnosed and the difficulties he has with communication understood by both of us, our relationship has become much stronger. Now we can generally work through issues rather than going round and round all the time! Before this diagnosis though, we were both pretty miserable and our relationship was very troubled. It was a very lonely time indeed.

 

There is a support group for partners in east london - www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk and you would be welcome to come along and share your experiences if it would help.

 

In the meantime, feel free to ask any questions or share. It's probably best to post in the "Beyond Adolescence" area.

 

Best wishes

 

Delyth

 

 

 

Thanks for your support and website. At this point in our relationship, there are more ups than downs, which is a huge relief. We don't hold onto negative feelings as much as we used and apologise to each other much sooner for our bad behaviour! I am following my husband's lead re: whether a diagnosis would be helpful. I think it would help explain a few things to him (e.g. he wonders why he doesn't have friends).

[Melanster]

Erm . . . yes you do have every right! You should not have to walk on eggshells around someone who is behaving unreasonably. Some people have relationships where that kind of thing is accepted, but anyone who wants an unusual relationship like that really ought to have sought their partner's consent before assuming it's acceptable. Presumably you have told him that you don't find this acceptable. Why would he want to carry on doing something that upsets you?

 

 

 

 

You may not call it alcoholism, but if he is unable to stop once he starts, that is a type of drink problem.

 

 

You seem to have got stuck at the first step. You have both recognised that drinking is bad for your relationship. You both carry on drinking anyway.

 

 

The problem with drinking (for some people, including me) is that people react to events excessively, more so than they would if they hadn't been drinking. I have recognised this in myself and have made changes. I like a drink during a social gathering but know my limits and adhere to it. My partner on the other hand wants to continue drinking once he starts -- this is where his lack of boundaries come in. He is not fully aware of how his drinking affects his behaviour, so yes I would agree that he has a problem. He has acknowledged his 'bad' behaviour and the pain it has caused but it remains to be seen whether he will take that on board the next time he has a drink. I have read an online article that links some people AS with alcohol difficulties because of issues with boundaries.

[justine1]

Hi

It may be true that there is a link(or not) but in my opinion you need to separate the two,whether he has a dx or not,he needs to deal with alcohol issue first before seeking help for anything else.His behaviour can be linked to the alcohol not AS and therefore he is unlikely to get a dx in his current state.

 

It doesnt appear he is getting help for this,just trying to beat it himself,so my suggestion would be to get this sorted first.Even if he only drinks a small amount daily or a large amount once a week,you do not know how it is affecting him internally as it varies from person to person.And people who have abused alcohol may later on suffer mental health problems.

[trekster]

One of the speech and language therapists I work with works with teenagers with Aspergers and she says her sessions end up as counselling sessions, as they are very angry with their peers and don't understand them. My husband has anger issues - the littlest things can result in explosive behaviour. Nights out have been a nightmare, especially with alcohol involved. I've drastically reduced the amount of alcohol I drink when out, because I don't want to react negatively and angrily to my husband's inappropriate behaviour (e.g. flirting openly with other women in front of me) although I feel I have every right to be angry with that.

 

That wasnt me that said those comments. Im totally opposite i do agree anger and aspergers can be related. ive had depression based anger for many years as a part of my aspergers.

[denny]

hi, i to am married to a undiagnosed AS , it can be very challenging at times but we have been married now for 13 years, and have had our problems, but he wouldn't be the person i married if he didn't have his strange ways ,but i found the more i learnt about aspergers the better i was able to handle different situations, like if i am feeling down ,alot of the time he doesn't seem to notice or know that all i need is hug, so now i ask for a hug, itis all about having different stagergies,but there is alot of information and help out there. i also have a son who has been diagnoised as having AS which makes for a interesting family life, but i wouldn't have it any other way,(maybe sometimes)

 

hope everything goes well for you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[dawnie]

 

Hi everyone

 

I'm married to someone who I think is undiagnosed Aspergers. I have read in various articles about Aspergers traits in adulthood and see some traits in my partner (difficulties with empathy, negative ruminations, self obsessed with specific topics, anger, obsessive behaviour and thoughts, alcoholism, difficulties with boundaries). It has not been smooth sailing and attempts to try to talk about things have resulted in countless arguements, misunderstandings, and unresolved feelings. I have my own personal issues, I will be the first to admit, and my own shortcomings in maintaining long term relationships have reared its ugly head in my relationship with my partner. I feel very alone and disconnected. My partner's parents have passed away and his brothers don't keep in regular touch -- my family (parents, siblings) live in Canada and although we do have some friends in London, they are not close and do not necessarily experience what I experience. I have brought up the idea of Aspergers to my partner, to which he hasn't denied. Anyways, I'd like to hear from anyone who has a partner with AS or someone with AS who is married.

thanks

[/quote

Hi Melanster

 

I'm also married to someone who we think may have Asperger traits. This is only because we were looking at the symptoms for our son when alot of them related to my husband as well. One of them was 'rocking' which he's always done ever since he was a kid. He used to have times when he would just lose it and chuck stuff about but he's learnt to calm that down. But he cannot communicate well with our sons ( but then not alot of men can ), conversations are always led by him and always on what he wants to talk about and will give his opinion whether you want it or not! Very self-centred. Good sense of humour and we can really have a laugh together sometimes but after 13 years being together I've called time out on our marriage because I find it hard enough to deal with our 6 year old without having to cope with him as well. Some of you may read this and think it probably selfish, but I've done everything I can think of and my main priority is my son who needs my help more than hubby does. He can't deal with our sons emotional outbursts but I can but when he's having a go at him, I feel that what I'm trying to achieve with my son regarding coping techniques and managing his behaviour all falls apart when hubby sticks his nose in.

Anyone else out there experiencing this

[rag31]

Hi there

 

My dh has AS and since we found out about it it has helped loads. We now discuss contentious issues by email and I can't tell you how much that has improved our relationship!

 

Also I am having to try to overcome my 'politeness' and stop expecting my husband to know that I mean one thing when I say something else ("I'm fine" when clearly I'm pissed off!) and also to tell him when I want something instead of waiting for him to notice the signals. Also, when I fail to tell him what I want or need (it's really hard to change this in my experience!) I have to work on not getting irritated when he doesn't realise.

 

I've realised now that most of the problems over the years have been purely as a result of us misreading/misunderstanding each other. I wish we'd known years ago about this because many of our problems would have been easily avoidable.

 

I'm now really conscious about things that upset my husband that he hadn't talked about and I hadn't noticed (see, works both ways LOL!) and I can empathise about that.

 

Knowing is very very helpful, but I have to say that when I first realised my dh had AS I went online and found various forums and websites that were extremely depressing and pessimistic and upset me for a while. Especially as my children more than likely have AS too - I don't want to think of them as these horrible people that they seem to be described as everywhere. Because I am their mother and I know they are not horrible at all. They are wonderful, loving and fantastic! :-)

 

So, we try very hard, we go through some rough and some good times, but I see us growing old together and enjoying our family and activities together over the years. This is due to our increased knowledge about AS and the understanding that this awareness has allowed us.

 

Becky

xx