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baranigirl

hello, am new to all this

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hiya

 

have found this site as my partner is undergoing diagnosis for aspergers, have read up a lot on it and it was me who suggested he speak to the GP about it last year. Waiting to see a psychiatrist to confirm or deny the theory. Our 3 yr old daughter shows similar traits, but her nursery SENCO has said she feels there is nothing wrong she is just shy, time will tell on that I guess?

 

I am coming here for advice on how to deal with the anger and frustration he feels when things go wrong, having just had another major meltdown week, I need some tips to get me and the 4 kids through his mood swings and dreadful behaviour towards them

 

We have put routine into his working life as he was on shifts earning good money and is now working 8-4 mon to fri which suits him better, but his earnings are now half, meaning I have had to find more work and he has to sit the kids an awful lot more which is where the problem is...

 

helps :D

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hiya

 

have found this site as my partner is undergoing diagnosis for aspergers, have read up a lot on it and it was me who suggested he speak to the GP about it last year. Waiting to see a psychiatrist to confirm or deny the theory. Our 3 yr old daughter shows similar traits, but her nursery SENCO has said she feels there is nothing wrong she is just shy, time will tell on that I guess?

 

I am coming here for advice on how to deal with the anger and frustration he feels when things go wrong, having just had another major meltdown week, I need some tips to get me and the 4 kids through his mood swings and dreadful behaviour towards them

 

We have put routine into his working life as he was on shifts earning good money and is now working 8-4 mon to fri which suits him better, but his earnings are now half, meaning I have had to find more work and he has to sit the kids an awful lot more which is where the problem is...

 

helps :D

 

Hi baranigirl

 

Welcome to the forum. I have certainly found it very helpful on here. You will be offered some very differing opinions so can pick out what suits you and your situation.

 

How old are your other 3 children?

 

A GP is unlikely to be able to diagnose and it can be tricky to get referred to somewhere for adult diagnosis. GP may refer your partner to Mental Health Services but don't be put off. This can be a way to access a referral to the Maudsley Hospital (or somewhere nearer to you), but it probably depends how 'bad' they feel he is. It may be helpful if you can go with him to at least some appointments as they will need a 'collateral' history - in other words someone else's point of view of his history.

 

Watch out for anxiety in your daughter - my son was always very quiet, a model child, but really he was desperately trying to fit in and not embarrass himself or draw attention. He was even selectively mute for a while.

 

Good luck.

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Hi Mandapanda

 

Thank you for that :D

 

My children are 16, 11 (not with my current partner) and almost 4 and 19 months with my current partner

 

I have been to most of the GP appointments with him last year as he was signed off with depression, lots of anxiety attacks and other situations I don't want to go into right now, ultimately resulting in him speaking to the GP about AS, he had a referral to a psychologist at the same time and in fact saw 3 different ones, all of which said they were not trained to help him from what he was describing (this was before AS was even thought about) we are still waiting on the referral to mental health, which the GP initially refused to do earlier on in the appointments (I specifically requested this) as he felt there was no need, once AS was mentioned and he did an on screen test with my partner the mental health assessment became a necessity.

 

He used to drink quite heavily and smoke, the smoking was given up a few years ago and as it was his stress relief he is now struggling to find another, the drinking got worse during this period and once he was on anti depressants he gave up drinking as well, he does have an occasional one now he is off the meds as they did nothing for him in 10 months!

 

My nearly 4 year old is a selective mute at nursery and is quite an anxious child, she often tantrums when she gets confused and frustrated, ok yes something 3 year olds do, but this is a different type of tantrumming (not that she even has at nursery) in fact she is a child I do not recognise at nursery!

 

He saw an occupational therapist at his last job when they were trying to get him back to work and offer alternatives for him, she said within 30 seconds of meeting him that he was not AS which immediately wound him up as she had said 'hello, how are you' to him really slowly as though his mental capacity was affected, he is an intelligent man, but has no idea how to deal with social situations (unless drunk) or empathise with anyone, am sure you all get this I will say oh my friends son is really poorly in hospital on a ventilator and could die etc. type of scenario and his reply will be something along the lines of oh well it could have been worse!

 

He is highly explosive and over trivial things, chores not completed by the older children within his very unrealistic timeframe, they are not allowed to sit and be kids, they always have to be doing something constructive, he is taking their childhood away :(

 

I am a member of many different forums, so I understand how they work and not everybody has the same opinions, but I am after more understanding and knowledge to try and give us all as calm a household as is possible.

 

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HI

I just wanted to say I understand what you are going through.My husband treated our kids the same.Especially my eldest son(9) he put lots of pressure on him to work hard at school(noT always a bad thing.)He would also expect a certain level of respect from them,in the end our kids were scared of him.

 

My son with AS,used to self harm because of how my ex was,I didnt know that was the reason a the time,but since I left him(2 years ago) my son has never self harmed again.As I say I left him in the end.He would accuse me of all sorts, phone my work to check that is where I was,call me stupid and critisize everything I do.He even banned me from seeing my family,when I contnued seeing them he locked me out the house,twice,the second time(I was 5 months pregnant)wa the final straw and so I left.

 

He has never smoked at all and he drinks 4 cans of guiness once a month,a littl more over christmas,I have only seen him drunk once 10 years ago before my kids came along.So I know his behaviour is not down to any of that.I just cant be sure it is AS,though when I went to get help from the GP for my son she asked about my ex and shesaid he sounds AS.Again even if he is it doesnt excuse the behaviour,especailly towards his own children.

 

On another note,is he treating the kidsthat arent his differently to his own?I was in this situation as a child,my mum re-married when I was 13 and her husband seemed to buy my acceptance of their relationship,he made lots of promises but ended up ousting me and my older brother,he pretended he was sending my brother away(to come to the UK) for his own good to become more mature,he was 19 at the time and knew nobody here and was thousands of miles from me and my mum.Then when I was 16,going to partys etc he told me to get out the house and I never returned,again at 19 I came to the UK.Sorry I will get to the point,my mother stuck by this man when she knew how horrible he was she allowed me and my brother to be kicked out of the home and we were both denied a stable future.She has now left him and married again,but I can never forgive her,she visits every three years,as she still lives abroad,but it is always tense and dont have much to say to her,it usually ends in tears.

So I am just saying if things are really so bad you need to put your kids first,I know its hard like I say I have been there,I have four boys 9,6(AS) 4 and 18months so it most definatley not easy being on my own.And I am still so in love with my ex doubt,even after two years,I will move on.But the joy that my kids are having a normal childhood,and me feeling I can watch what I want,go shopping when I want and even eat what I want,it is really worth all the hard work of bing a single mum.

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Hi Justine, thank you for that, yes I know what you are saying and I am very conscious of that as my ex husband treated me in a similar fashion to your ex, I too lost a lot of contact with people he deemed unsuitable, but have re-established those friendships since splitting in 2001 from him.

 

DP is not treating the older ones differently cos he isn't their father, he has known my 10 yr old since she was born and has been brilliant with them until the whole pressure of shifts exploded him. I have put some steps into place to help him learn to keep calm, as in his Mum is coming over Wednesdays when she can to help him with the kids. He is just not coping with 4 of them and the different demands they have due to their ages (ie 10yr old very hormonal, but unable to express her emotions properly yet, 4 yr old very demanding, needs to be occupied 20hr a day and then the toddler is just a baby, then the 16yr old is working for her GCSE's as well as being a huge help around the house)

 

He needs to come in from work and have half hour to wind down before facing the family duties, unfortunately with me leaving as he walks in the door it is not possible for him to do this, if anyone has any techniques he could try we will give them a shot!

 

The smoking and drinking was his stress relief and although he never did a huge amount of either it was the one or two that calmed him down to deal with day to day living, since that has stopped he has been unable to work out something else.

 

As a teenager he was aggressive and refused to attend school, he was diagnosed with dyslexia just before he sat his GCSE's and therefore failed all of them, since we have suggested AS he has dealt with his dyslexia differently as he now believes that there is also other reasons for him not achieving as a teenager and he is not using it as an excuse, I have seen his confidence in this area rise, it is now just the anger we need to manage better.

 

If I ffelt my children were suffering as a result of this I would not hesitate to leave however we are talking about a short period each day and I know we can get through this if there is something we can teach him to do

 

He is aware I am seeking help on his behalf and constantly asking what has been said etc. so I know he wants to do this as much as I would like him to

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Hi Justine, thank you for that, yes I know what you are saying and I am very conscious of that as my ex husband treated me in a similar fashion to your ex, I too lost a lot of contact with people he deemed unsuitable, but have re-established those friendships since splitting in 2001 from him.

 

DP is not treating the older ones differently cos he isn't their father, he has known my 10 yr old since she was born and has been brilliant with them until the whole pressure of shifts exploded him. I have put some steps into place to help him learn to keep calm, as in his Mum is coming over Wednesdays when she can to help him with the kids. He is just not coping with 4 of them and the different demands they have due to their ages (ie 10yr old very hormonal, but unable to express her emotions properly yet, 4 yr old very demanding, needs to be occupied 20hr a day and then the toddler is just a baby, then the 16yr old is working for her GCSE's as well as being a huge help around the house)

 

He needs to come in from work and have half hour to wind down before facing the family duties, unfortunately with me leaving as he walks in the door it is not possible for him to do this, if anyone has any techniques he could try we will give them a shot!

 

The smoking and drinking was his stress relief and although he never did a huge amount of either it was the one or two that calmed him down to deal with day to day living, since that has stopped he has been unable to work out something else.

 

As a teenager he was aggressive and refused to attend school, he was diagnosed with dyslexia just before he sat his GCSE's and therefore failed all of them, since we have suggested AS he has dealt with his dyslexia differently as he now believes that there is also other reasons for him not achieving as a teenager and he is not using it as an excuse, I have seen his confidence in this area rise, it is now just the anger we need to manage better.

 

If I ffelt my children were suffering as a result of this I would not hesitate to leave however we are talking about a short period each day and I know we can get through this if there is something we can teach him to do

 

He is aware I am seeking help on his behalf and constantly asking what has been said etc. so I know he wants to do this as much as I would like him to

That is really good that he wants help for what he is going through.My ex was not able to except any responsibilty for his actions,even know he blames my family.He also wont except Sam having AS he thinks its social services wanting to label him.Maybe he could also be feeling that because you have had to go to work,and he is earning less,that he is not fulfilling his role as a father,this may lead to anxiety.Is there any other family member who can help out with the kids?Not everyday but maybe once a week so he gets a break.

 

Also maybe he is not sure what to do with the kids to keep them occupied,I know the older two may not want to play as such,but maybe it would be good to have a visual timetable,you can all sit down as a family and discuss it.With the chores you can do a separate one,that way the older ones know what to do and when prehaps it will avoid him getting aggitated.I think this will hep the whole family.

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are you sure my ex and yours are not the same person? haha

 

I think the lists are a great idea, I shall have a look tonight after work and see what I can draw up.

 

No other family are near, his mum travels 20 miles as it is and all my family are abroad, so it is just us and his mum who works full time as well! Weds are the worst day as monday the 2 youngest are in nursery til 6

 

tuesday is my day off

 

weds we have sorted

 

thurs my oldest id home at 4.30 to help

 

fri I work at 5.30 so am here for the first bit he is home and the 4 yr old is in nursery til 6 too

 

Sats and Sun I also work, but he can go out for the day etc, I just need to give him arrangements else he won't do anything!

 

Yes I do think him earning less is a huge factor in this, but at least he is earning and we can always sell up and rent if it gets too stressful! He is not a money orientated male, but I think he wants to provide for his family and is feeling he can't, I told him last yr when he was off sick I would find additional work (I was already working 16 hrs) which I did and I now average 20-25 hours a week as I cant fit in anything else!

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Hi Baranigirl

 

My partner has AS but rarely has meltdowns (thank goodness!) so I'm not sure what to suggest...

It's great that he's keen to get some help and it sounds to me that professional help is needed really to deal with this level of anger.

Have you tried walking away/out when he does meltdown or can he find a place to take his anger? And has he any idea of the effect of his behaviour on his family? Are you able to discuss it at another time?

Sorry for the questions!

 

Hope you get some ideas here... and do make sure you keep yourselves safe. Angry adults that are out of control are particularly scary!

 

Best wishes

 

Delyth

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Hi Delyth

 

Yes I do walk away when he has a meltdown and after he has calmed dow he will talk things through, he always wants to 'leave' when he is having a meltdown, but whe I point out to him the only difference would be him sleeping in a different house he realises it is not what he wants really.

 

The kids are preety good with him and his anger does not spill over into anything violent, but he ca be quite scary for sure!

 

He is likeing the timetables and I just need to print them off so he has a visual check on timescales for things, all I need for him to do is let the kids be kids!

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The kids are preety good with him

 

Hi baranigirl

 

Is he perhaps aware of this? It could make him feel worse, ashamed.

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Hi baranigirl

 

Is he perhaps aware of this? It could make him feel worse, ashamed.

 

I think there is an element of that there, I can't imagine how he feels if I am honest, he can't provide prperly, nor can he care properly, must make him feel awful :(

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"it is now just the anger we need to manage better."

 

Is it anger or is there a possibility it could be frustration at not being able to comprehend situations and circumstances? or possibly read "body language"?

 

In adults sometimes things that are not "logical" or "definable" can cause all sorts of frustration that outwardly appears to be anger.

 

Have you broached the possibility with him that he *could* possibly be on the spectrum hiself?

 

kind regards

 

Spookz

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Yes that is part of it, the frustrations he can't explain at work overspill when he walks through the door and it all comes tumbling out, have said to leave it at work, but he can't :(

 

He is fully aware of where he sits on the spectrum and is actually pleased there is a reason for him feeling / behaving the way he does

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have said to leave it at work, but he can't :(

 

Been there :( that's the worst part, trying to leave it at work is like trying to get to the moon to him. He knows it's possible but just can't do it.

 

I've learned as an adult that there are things I can't comprehend or understand and I've found the only way to deal with it is not to try. Sounds daft but it does actually work.

Up until I found out what was causing it I would happily turn myself inside out (and everybody around me) looking for logical explanations or solutions even in situations where there were none possible.

 

It does help me to understand our 6 year old (diagnosed last year) a lot better and make things easier for my wife.

 

If your hubby wants another bloke to natter to I'm only ever a phonecall away :)

 

best wishes

 

Spook

 

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