kerryt84 Report post Posted February 1, 2010 I wasn't sure whether to post here or in off topic, but I do feel it is a result of my AS so I put it here. When I was at Uni I was casually seeing a guy. When I left Uni we stayed in touch and nearly started dating, but I decided it just wouldn't work. We have stayed good friends since though. The problem is that he has been chatting to my sister lots and went and visited her a couple of weeks ago. Now he has sent me an email telling me that he really likes her and has strong feelings for her and will I give permission for something to happen. My life is based on rules, usually unvisible and sometimes things that others find hard to understand. One of the rules in my mind is that it is totally unacceptable to go out with someone who has been out with your sibling. To me it is like a law amongst people that isn't allowed to happen. The email he has sent me has sent me into a total panic and I just don't know what to do. I read a post a little while ago about someone ehose son had started cubs (or similar) and couldn't cope with the fact that friends from school were there too. I feel like I should liken how I am feeling to this. He is my friend and I cannot cope with the thought of him being her friend too. I know this sounds like I am jealous, but I really can say for certain that I am not. He is a nice guy, but certainly not my type, and my boyfriend is 100 times better than him and I'm very happy. My sister has just come out of a relationship where the guy treated her very badly so I would love her to find someone that would treat her well. I know this guy would treat her well and they would be happy together, but that does not stop me feeling panic whenever I think about it. I really think this is an issue to do with my AS, although some of you may disagree. This is the same sort of panic I feel in many situations that are difficult for me due to AS. I don't necessarily want to know what to do, as I know I should let them go out together. I want to be able to explain to my friend why I find it so difficult to accept it. He knows I have AS. Does anyone know what causes this sort of thinking and how I can best explain it? Also if there are any good links? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted February 1, 2010 Well, you didn't go out with this guy so there's absolutely no reason, by your own 'rules', that he can't go out with your sister. Be generous and wish them well. Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justine1 Report post Posted February 1, 2010 Hi Personally I dont think its to do with your AS(though maybe you react 50% worse in the situation than NT would)I was in a similar position my self when I was a teenager.I had a "guy friend" and never thought of him as more then he began to have feelings for my best friend,I was very jealous.Again like in your situation it was not because of I was in any way attracted to him I think I felt betrayed maybe that when he is with her she will tell him secrets I told her and vise versa,or they were generally gossiping behind my back. It did play on my mind so much that I did think I had feelings for him and even told him I did he ended up breaking it off with her to be with me but it didnt last cause I still saw him as being just a friend.So I ended up hurting both of them.My friendship with her didnt last either,though we have moved on and talk now.I am not saying yours will end this way but if you let your emotions take over you could hurt their feelings.If the relationship is in its infancy then you never know it may turn out,and as you say he may make her happy. In my opinion you may be more worried that he will hurt your sister,like the other guy,then that will affect your friendship.I think if it does work you will overcome these feelings in time.If he visits you and your partner together with your sister it will ease any tension there may be. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kerryt84 Report post Posted February 1, 2010 Well, you didn't go out with this guy so there's absolutely no reason, by your own 'rules', that he can't go out with your sister. Be generous and wish them well. Bid Yes, I can see why you would think that, but I slept with him and in my eyes that is as good as going out with him. I know I should wish them well, but I just can't comprehend the situation. I feel such panic that the rule shouldn't be broken. Whenever I think about it I start crying and near a meltdown. I would hope my feelings improve in the future and I'd grow to accept it, but what if I don't, and I have a meltdown every time I'm around them? I probably will tell them to go for it, because I don't feel I should have the power to get in the way of such things, but I would just like to know how I can explain it to my friend. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted February 1, 2010 (edited) Just think around this situation... You don't want to be with this guy, you already have a boyfriend of your own... Personally, I don't think you have any 'permission' to give. Both this guy and your sister are free agents. I don't think you need to explain anything to this guy, other than to say you wish them both well. How would you honestly feel if you messed up what might be a really lovely relationship for your sister? That would be a very selfish thing to do. Bid Edited February 1, 2010 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kerryt84 Report post Posted February 1, 2010 Hi Personally I dont think its to do with your AS(though maybe you react 50% worse in the situation than NT would)I was in a similar position my self when I was a teenager.I had a "guy friend" and never thought of him as more then he began to have feelings for my best friend,I was very jealous.Again like in your situation it was not because of I was in any way attracted to him I think I felt betrayed maybe that when he is with her she will tell him secrets I told her and vise versa,or they were generally gossiping behind my back. It did play on my mind so much that I did think I had feelings for him and even told him I did he ended up breaking it off with her to be with me but it didnt last cause I still saw him as being just a friend.So I ended up hurting both of them.My friendship with her didnt last either,though we have moved on and talk now.I am not saying yours will end this way but if you let your emotions take over you could hurt their feelings.If the relationship is in its infancy then you never know it may turn out,and as you say he may make her happy. In my opinion you may be more worried that he will hurt your sister,like the other guy,then that will affect your friendship.I think if it does work you will overcome these feelings in time.If he visits you and your partner together with your sister it will ease any tension there may be. Thanks Justine. The thing is it is nothing to do with telling secrets (they both know all my secrets anyway) and I'm not bothered about gossiping. I know he won't hurt my sister and that they would be happy together, it's just that it is breaking the rules. It's not an emotional thing, more of a logical thing in my mind. It's going to sound strange but what you said about him and her coming to my house nearly made my head explode with confusion. Only my current boyfriend can be in my house, I could not begin to imagine an ex in my house, let alone them talking to each other. I feel like I'm not explaining myself very well Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kerryt84 Report post Posted February 1, 2010 Just think around this situation... You don't want to be with this guy, you already have a boyfriend of your own... Personally, I don't think you have any 'permission' to give. Both this guy and your sister are free agents. How would you honestly feel if you messed up what might be a really lovely relationship for your sister? That would be a very selfish thing to do. Bid The last thing I want to do is be selfish, that's why I will probably agree to it. But how do I overcome my feelings of panic? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted February 1, 2010 Well, to be honest, first of all you have to get over this idea that you are going to agree/allow/grant permission, etc. These are two unattached adults, over whom you have no ownership. As for how you get over your negative feelings or panic: I'm afraid adult life is full of situations we don't like, but as an adult one just has to cry in private and get on with things as positively as one can in public. Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tez Report post Posted February 1, 2010 (edited) As I'm on the spectrum I can relate to what you're saying, but the way I look at it if it was me, is that it's a question of problem ownership and in the same situation as you, I would consider it my problem, not your sisters or your friend. I'd wish them well and hope that all turned out to be perfect for them and then deal with my own feelings in private. I have been in a similar situation where I felt this way about something my mother did. Rationally I knew she'd done nothing wrong, that it was absolutely nothing to do with me, but it went against my rule base and caused problems for me. I've never told her the problems it caused me. I smiled told her of course she should go ahead with what she wanted to do and wished her well. Sometimes it still hurts me inside and it's years on, but why should I make it anyone else's problem but mine. I think if I found it too difficult to cope with, I'd know that I would need to speak to a Counsellor to help me, but I would never want my rule structure to stop someone else having a chance of happiness. Edited February 1, 2010 by Tez Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted February 1, 2010 I think that if they like each other, they will probably have a relationship regardless of what you say. If you say you don't give permission, they will just do it behind your back and you will all fall out in the end. Maybe if you can try to appear happy with the situation and let it happen, you will eventually come to terms with it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kerryt84 Report post Posted February 1, 2010 Thanks Tez, your post really helped. I think that is what I will have to do. Like you said it's my problem and I won't let that get in the way of their happiness. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chris54 Report post Posted February 1, 2010 One of the rules in my mind is that it is totally unacceptable to go out with someone who has been out with your sibling. To me it is like a law amongst people that isn't allowed to happen. This is a comment on the above statement. I just don't know were you are coming from with this one. Cant see anything wrong with it at all. If he had dumped you for your sister that would be one thing but that, from what you say is not the case here. Even if it were there is nothing wrong other than in the mind of the aggrieved.. My father had a girlfriend who later married his brother, my aunt and uncle. No one ever had a problem with it. If you don't accept the situation and be happy for them you could end up alienating you sister. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted February 1, 2010 Hi Kerry, As others have said, there's not much you can do about this situation. Although it was kind of your friend to ask permission, the relationship probably would have happened with or without your blessing anyway. I don't think it's fair to tell your friend, or your sister, that you have a problem with their relationship. Why burden them with an issue that's essentially yours alone to deal with? You have a boyfriend of your own: if you can't genuinely be happy for them, at least stand back and let them get on with their relationship without worrying about your sensibilities. K x. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
