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lizj

Maintaining friendships

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I'm not sure that this is in the right place to post, but here goes.

I have an 18 year old son, Aspergers and MLD. He has always struggled to stay friends with people of his own age, things start off OK but soon go wrong. Now that he is older it is becoming more of a problem.

We have the age old problem of helping him become independent while keeping him safe, as he is very socially vulnerable. But now there is a new problem too.

He wants friends and a normal social life, like any teenager. But he always seems to drive friends away by boring them with his interests, and lately he has become a bit of a "know-all". He always has to have the last word in an argument. People get fed up and cut contact with him.

He is quite lonely at college and it makes me sad to see him sitting at home on the computer every night, when he wants to be out with mates. He does not have the self-awareness to know when he is putting people off, and is always surprised when people he thought were friends tell him to F*** Off and leave them alone.

Are there any parents out there in a similar situation, or who have found a way to help?

 

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I am not a parent, but I have struggled my entire life with making friends and also spent most of my teenage years at home with my parents rather than with frineds for similar reasons to your son. My interest is animals and i find it really difficult to talk about anything else. I tend to start talking about animals or will steer the conversation that way and then its difficult to shut me up. It has only been in the last year or so (i'm now 28) that i have learned to keep the animals to a minimum and i will still not notice when i'm borning someone unless they make it very obvious and then i'm normally a bit offended.

 

The only reason its taken me so long to realise is that most people arent direct enough to tell me that i'm not very interesting or i'm going on a bit and as i am rubbish at noticing that someones not interested i just keep elaborating. Luckily my boyfriend i'm with now just tells me when he's had enough and asks me to change the subject. He was the first person ever to be rude enough to tell me that i dont ever talk about anything else and it really made me realise that i have to try harder to be brief when talking about animals and that not everyone is as interested as me.

 

When i mentioed to other family members what he'd said they all said "oh yea you're awfull, you just never shut up"

 

It made me more aware of the problem and although i still go on a bit i do look for cues that i need to stop and try really hard not to talk about animals unless someone actually asks me something about them.

 

I guess what im saying is that the best thing for me was for someone to bluntly point out that I stick to the same subject too much, and sometimes tell me when i'm doing it. I know its rude and you probably dont want to be rude to your son, but i wish my mum had just told me years ago. I do find it really hard not to talk about my favourate subject, but i'd rather try hard and have a normal social life.

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He should be aware that friendship is about sharing - things of mutual interest, and helping each other. With the restricted communication skills it might be good to find an area of common interest which doesn't need too much talking (gardening, e.g.).

Keeping friendships (when having Aspergers) is real work.

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I am an adult with Asperger's, and I have huge difficulties maintaining friendships, and making them in the first place.

 

It sounds like your son's biggest difficulty is with knowing when to back down from an argument, or avoid one in the first place. It's possible to be friends without agreeing on everything, and sometimes you have to accept that you are not going to change someone's opinion no matter how much you go on at them. Hard to learn, but worthwhile!

 

If he will accept your input, then it may be worth going over the reasons for a lost friendship, looking at how the other person may be feeling and what he might have done to cause that without apportioning blame. If he can spot the signs that things are starting to go wrong in a friendship, you may be able to advise him if he is willing to ask your advice. It might also be a good idea for him to tell his friends about his Asperger's, and ask them to be very frank with them if he starts to annoy them. That way, he may begin to see a pattern of similar issues occurring, then he will know what to work on.

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i'm about the same age as he is, i sometimes feel i have difficulty maintaining friendships too, although there are a few that last. i don't think i have the problem of going on about something to the point where others get irritated, generally i'm more comfortable in a position where the other person is talking about themselves and thus try and steer conversation that way. unlike your son i am very much overly self-aware, constantly obsessing about whether i'm getting irritating or just boring or something. i think maybe this comes across when i'm around someone too long.

 

maybe in regards to the argument thing, he just needs to not seem to take things too seriously, even if secretly it is a matter he really cares about? there's a lot to be said for faking it sometimes, or just stepping down and saying to each his own. maybe he just needs to know how? i don't know. like i said my issues are different to his.

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I thought you were talking about my 25 year old stepson in the OP !

The difficulties I see are that aspies are very single minded and therefore get involved very deeply in their preferred subject area. In some instances this becomes so intense that they divorce themselves from the "real world" and cannot understand why others do not have the same attachment or intensity.

 

A few months ago we were talking to The Lad about household bills. For 20 minutes he argued that standing charges on gas, electric and phone bills were unfair. We could not shake him from this belief, nor that he could refuse to pay this proportion of a utility bill. It is difficult to determine if this is being single minded or stubborn, I imagine from what you have told us your son can be like the proverbial dog with a bone and won't let go.

 

Two weeks ago The Lad met a girl. As we have seen before he (metaphorically) throws himself into the friendship/relationship and if they aren't texting him every 5 minutes he becomes irritable.

 

We have engaged a life counsellor who has experience with aspergers adults and students; in her case she is employed by the Job Centres to get long term unemployed into jobs or voluntary work. This way it avoids conflict between the lad and his dad (postings passim) and he does appear to be listening to her. Unfortunately we could only find private counsellors due to his age but as your son is at college and still regarded by the system as a "young adult" can you get in touch with the college to see if they have a counselling service ?

 

As other posters here have said, can you get him to help around the house? I got The Lad to help on the odd occasion in the garden (under the auspices that my back was worse than it actually is) so at least he did something other than play on the PC.

 

As an aside:

At least your son is at college; my stepson has been thrown out of 3 colleges (including specialist colleges), doesn't want to look for a job or claim benefit because he tells people he has got everything he wants at home. He spends 15 hours a day on the PC, smells awful and is regressing mentally due to a failure to communicate with others in his peer group. If you can please get help NOW - once they get to 24 the system will abandon them completely. Adult Learning facilities are scarce and some local authorities don't see aspergers as part of the autistic spectrum (I write from experience in my city).

Love

Magenpie

 

 

 

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Hi,

 

Well I'm 28 with Asperger's and have spent last 7 or 8 years trying to develop a social life, with some success. Unlike most people with AS, I was very happy being a loner in my childhood and just latching onto my parent's friends, as that was safe, easy and comfortable for me. However as an adult one of hardest things has been finding people my own age, as I seem to have natually bumped into the older generation more.

 

I envy all those with AS who have somehow managed to find a relationship. At 28 I have never had a girlfriend, I don't bump into many suitable women or at least find the opportunities to get to know them very well. Would anybody with AS who is in a relationship be able to explain how they found their girlfriend / boyfriend? I really need someone to set up a date for me.

 

My frustration about not meeting any girls has led me to write a humours article which can be read on my blog

 

http://socialdynamicsas.blogspot.com/2010/...ying-oldie.html.

 

I've also explain about my experiences in the social world in other posts on my blog, with my thoughts and perspectives on things.

 

Chris

 

 

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I am a bit late replying to this topic, but you could be talking about my son, he spends every waking hour on facebook, arguing with people and acting like a real" no it all" His opion is the only one that counts and he makes friends only to annoy them, which results in everyone telling him to F.........off!! He wonders why he does not have a girl friend, but he just says the wrong thing all the time. He is also a compulsive lier, saying things to make him look good. I feel so sad for him as he can access friends photos on facebook showing everyone having a good time, but he never gets invited to anything. He wont listen to anything i say to him and at the moment our relationship is not good. He should be out of the house like every other teenager, and it just breaks my heart. :crying:

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I've only just seen this too!

My lad will be 17 in November and hasn't a friend in the world, never has. He has almost given up on people now I think and won't speak unless spoken to. If he is asked something he will answer, but other than that he just stands there in silence not knowing what to say to people. We were at a big family get-together yesterday, lots of cousins around his age who hadn't seen each other in years. They all naturally congregated together in a group and sat around doing what ever teens do, chatting, mucking about, while my lad stood in the corner on his own. In the end he went into another room and watched Top Gear on his own. We now have photos of lads chatting and having fun minus my lad, who is nowhere to be seen. He hasn't a clue how to talk to people and now won't even look at people either. He seems to have regressed so much socially and lost every ounce of confidence he ever had. He used to be such a chatterbox but now it's like he's dead inside, it breaks my heart. I can't see him ever having a friend.

 

~ Mel ~

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