family ignorance of ASD splitting family

[sawjd]

Hello sawjd (sarni)

 

Please can someone tell me if you think i am being unreasonable or better still how to manage D with personal information.

 

D is 18 years old and has mild ASD. The family (my Other halfs family) acknowlege this but don't really want to understand.

 

D has problems of communication at some levels. I have found a page of questions on how to start a conversation to a girl which to me would come naturally to any 18 year old without ASD.

 

Throughout school i have done my best to try and get him to learn from his mistakes, make things easier for him to understand, getting him to manage things by himself. He does have a job at our local sainsburys ( i managed to get him an interview and the company prospects, who deal with learning difficulties, attended the interview with him). He had trouble doing cvs and kept handing them into all the shops he wanted to work in, just because i happened to mention its great when you have job that you are interested in. He took my word and just did cvs for the shops he liked and when they said they would get back to him he believed them, even though they did not have any vacancies.

 

Anyway....we have tried to explain to members of the OHs family that D has difficulty in understanding things at times. OH has a sister in law (even though they are not married OH keeps reminding me, even though i say it doesn't matter) and she has on three occasions poked her nose into private affairs within the last year regarding teaching our son. I am really getting fed up with it. I have tried to explain to her that D takes things litrally.

 

He had a really good relationship with my OH brother, then he met this woman, and he had a good relationship still but D noticed that he could not talk as often to OH brother (brother never there always out with this girl,) then they had a baby, D kicked off big time as he was (along with me and my OH not invited to go up to the hospital) yet the new gran was and OH sisters got to see new baby. D was deeply upset and kicked off right in my face, kept screaming at me why weren't we allowed to go. D had the impression he was going to be there at the birth as everyone was so excited about her going in to have baby. I believed they would have at least told him what was what and why he was not meant to be there, i do try and tell him these things but he does not believe me and then people like OH brother and his partner get cross and say why don't i explain, PLEASE EXCUSE THE CAPS BUT WHAT THE HELL DO THEY THINK I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO. Anyway i was upset and said to them when we did get to see them two weeks later, why did they not send a small text to say when they come out they will see us?.

 

Apparently she got annoyed with me and said 'excuse me i was having a baby and dealing with new stuff' (joke= i did not know it takes two weeks to have a baby)anyway i expected OH brother to text D and explain. They just dumped him.

 

Second time she put her foot in it she was asking him about girlfriends and did he have a girlfriend by now, D now thinks to himself,because i am 18 and they have mentioned i should have a girlfriend by now i have to have a girlfriend, hence the page of questions on how to start a conversation, D has only just spent his first year getting to grips with working, this is the first job he has ever had. Dear god i have tried to explain about not implying such things as he takes it literally,why can't she get the message.

 

Third time, she put her foot in it, now this time she really overstepped the mark, we have said to D in order to make him understand about paying his way he should pay towards the cost of living, its a contribution, he tells everyone he is paying rent, we have reminded him that its a CONTRIBUTION. We set the record straight on that one, it is a minimal amount compared to what other people ask, as council tax has gone up we asked for a bit more, next thing i know we got told by D that she has said to him 'ask your parents why its so high'. (£50) This covers everything even the gaming battles on line. What the hell has it got to do with her. We our his parents do they really think we would rob our own son its disgusting.

 

We have told D to stand up for himself and given him chance to do so but he does nothing so i have to intervene because we keep getting this grief from him because of what family are saying to him, i think they know this and are trying to split us up, as this keeps happening. OH has said to her don't bother to text him or call him about such stuff as he does not understand. OH sisters understand now as they made the mistake of telling D i could go to prison for not getting little one into school quick enough,

He thought the police were coming round the same day to take me away.

 

Finally the nail in the coffin..... the disgusting text......On friday just gone, D went out for a drink to try and socialise with a few collegues who know about his condition ( at least i thought they did) they left him alone and he got so drunk he became unconcious, trapped behind a toilet door the security guard had to break it to get to D and got an ambulance and he then got taken to hospital, luckily he had his phone on him otherwise i would have been none the wiser. I trusted him, silly me as he got drunk once before but we got him home. I thought he did actually learnt something from it, as he went for another drink with work colleagues and was ok and came back at a reasonable hour as they gave him a lift, this time they left him alone anything could have happened. D texted people from hospital instead of me, i had to ring him, i asked him why did he text people( i asked him this a few days later when i think it sunk in) he said ' i wanted to see if anyone cared'. Do you think he did understand in the end?. I had to go through his phone to find out what happened, he got messages of 'are you alright' what happened' etc. The next day he got a message from his aunt..... this woman has not long had a baby and is 28years old, they own their home (soon) and she drives, i thought she was responsible . Her text reads ' heard you went to a gay bar and got done up the xxxx is that y u ended up in hospital ?.

 

I explained to D that maybe she did send it as a joke but even so it was not funny. He sent her a text saying it is not funny. I did not know he did this, so i tried to speak to her but couldn't and left a message saying ' D told me the text you sent (which he did) him and to be honest i thought better of you'. I got this call back from her saying i was patronising and how dare i speak to her like that i am not her mother. She also briefly apologised but said she was sick of it and she was angry at me as it was meant as a joke and should know she is not a nasty person. I RARELY SEE HER OR SPEAK TO HER SO HOW CAN I KNOW HER THAT WELL. Also i got from her that all 18 year olds go out and get legless and her son will do it, I could not believe what i was hearing. I have been with my OH (and his family)for 15 years and have two children. I am 40 years old. There is no respect from this woman at all.

 

We keep having this trouble on and off with D giving us feedback about what is said and we ask have you got this right ?. Definately right about her interfering with

his contribution, and it being none of her business. I know that to be true.

 

Should i just keep out in future, i did explain to D that i don't expect the whole world to change but i expect the family (which i thought she was)to understand or a least be a bit more tolerant. How do i handle this type of situation, i will speak to be civil but if she blanks me in our company (Nans birthday next week)OH does not know what to do. It could kick off again. Any suggestions, ( i have tried giving them leaflets, you think the sister would know aswell as they are school teachers and come across children like our K who is mild ASD (possible SID).

 

 

Please help,

 

many thanks sarni.

[justine1]

Hi

This is an awful situation as you want to protect your son but at the same time he obviousley needs to make his own decisions about who he wants to socialise with.The "sister in law" doesnt seem to understand your son at all but you cant oust her from the familt even though you are older.

 

My ex had a similar problem with a sister in law,she started taking control over everthing that the extended family did,she had no respect for her husbands older brothers and sisters who should have more authority than her.Eventually they had a meeting and told the brother that his wife needs to back off a bit or he risks losing them.

 

Maybe you can get your OH to hold such a meeting,not to threaten but just explain your sons needs,maybe if his sisters understand they can help get the message across to the in law.It is worth a shot.I think if you dont get along with her there is nothing more you can do other than just act civil,you dont have to be her best mate.

 

Also maybe speak to your OH brother and see if he can spend time with just him and your son,if not then see how your son feels,if she is making things hard on him then he may have to let go.

[fiorelli]

I'm sorry that you seem to be having some problems with your son lately. However, I'm not so sure that the problems you have detailed are all about your Sister in Law. Surely it shouldn't have been up to SIL to say to your son that he couldn't be at the birth of her baby? If he has problems with communication at some level, maybe it should have been worked on/brought up before the point of birth when and how it would be appropriate for your son to see the new baby after it was born? I have to say that for (more than) 2 weeks after my children were born, the last thing on my mind was my nephew and when he wanted to see the baby. If there was such a strong bond between your BIL and your son before, then any 'issues' in their relationship should have been addressed earlier.

 

As your son is 18, he is legalled classed as having the mental capacity to make his own decisions and choices - even if they are the wrong ones. From what you have written, your son made the choice to drink to excess. Your son made the choice to send text messages whilst in hospital to 'see if anyone cared', and chose not to send one to you (maybe because he already knew the answer to the question in that case was a big fat 'yes'?!). These may have been the 'wrong' choices, or 'bad' choices - however they were his, and his to make. Use them as a learning tool with him. I do however, agree with you that the reply from your SIL was innappropriate.

 

I think asking about girlfriends is a perfectly normal thing to ask an 18 year old (I do it to my 12 year old - and even my 8 yr old!), and it can only be a good thing that he was looking at ways to open up conversation (in my view anyway!). I questioned how much lodge my sister used to have to pay our mum. There were many reasons for this: because of how much my sister earned, I didn't want her being taken for granted, I didn't want her to think life is a free ride etc. etc. etc, I don't know your son's situation, but by the sounds of it, he doesn't work. For someone not in employment, £50 a month is a lot of money. Maybe your SIL thought this too, and wondered why your son had to pay so much, and said what she did out of concern for him?

 

I don't know. I'm not there. These are only my views on the situation as you have discribed it. But I really don't think that your SIL is entirely to blame, and I certainly don't think that 3 times in a year is something to get fed up over.

[MelowMeldrew]

Hello sawjd (sarni)

 

Please can someone tell me if you think i am being unreasonable or better still how to manage D with personal information.

 

D is 18 years old and has mild ASD. The family (my Other halfs family) acknowlege this but don't really want to understand.

 

D has problems of communication at some levels. I have found a page of questions on how to start a conversation to a girl which to me would come naturally to any 18 year old without ASD.

 

Throughout school i have done my best to try and get him to learn from his mistakes, make things easier for him to understand, getting him to manage things by himself. He does have a job at our local sainsburys ( i managed to get him an interview and the company prospects, who deal with learning difficulties, attended the interview with him). He had trouble doing cvs and kept handing them into all the shops he wanted to work in, just because i happened to mention its great when you have job that you are interested in. He took my word and just did cvs for the shops he liked and when they said they would get back to him he believed them, even though they did not have any vacancies.

 

Anyway....we have tried to explain to members of the OHs family that D has difficulty in understanding things at times. OH has a sister in law (even though they are not married OH keeps reminding me, even though i say it doesn't matter) and she has on three occasions poked her nose into private affairs within the last year regarding teaching our son. I am really getting fed up with it. I have tried to explain to her that D takes things litrally.

 

He had a really good relationship with my OH brother, then he met this woman, and he had a good relationship still but D noticed that he could not talk as often to OH brother (brother never there always out with this girl,) then they had a baby, D kicked off big time as he was (along with me and my OH not invited to go up to the hospital) yet the new gran was and OH sisters got to see new baby. D was deeply upset and kicked off right in my face, kept screaming at me why weren't we allowed to go. D had the impression he was going to be there at the birth as everyone was so excited about her going in to have baby. I believed they would have at least told him what was what and why he was not meant to be there, i do try and tell him these things but he does not believe me and then people like OH brother and his partner get cross and say why don't i explain, PLEASE EXCUSE THE CAPS BUT WHAT THE HELL DO THEY THINK I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO. Anyway i was upset and said to them when we did get to see them two weeks later, why did they not send a small text to say when they come out they will see us?.

 

Apparently she got annoyed with me and said 'excuse me i was having a baby and dealing with new stuff' (joke= i did not know it takes two weeks to have a baby)anyway i expected OH brother to text D and explain. They just dumped him.

 

Second time she put her foot in it she was asking him about girlfriends and did he have a girlfriend by now, D now thinks to himself,because i am 18 and they have mentioned i should have a girlfriend by now i have to have a girlfriend, hence the page of questions on how to start a conversation, D has only just spent his first year getting to grips with working, this is the first job he has ever had. Dear god i have tried to explain about not implying such things as he takes it literally,why can't she get the message.

 

Third time, she put her foot in it, now this time she really overstepped the mark, we have said to D in order to make him understand about paying his way he should pay towards the cost of living, its a contribution, he tells everyone he is paying rent, we have reminded him that its a CONTRIBUTION. We set the record straight on that one, it is a minimal amount compared to what other people ask, as council tax has gone up we asked for a bit more, next thing i know we got told by D that she has said to him 'ask your parents why its so high'. (£50) This covers everything even the gaming battles on line. What the hell has it got to do with her. We our his parents do they really think we would rob our own son its disgusting.

 

We have told D to stand up for himself and given him chance to do so but he does nothing so i have to intervene because we keep getting this grief from him because of what family are saying to him, i think they know this and are trying to split us up, as this keeps happening. OH has said to her don't bother to text him or call him about such stuff as he does not understand. OH sisters understand now as they made the mistake of telling D i could go to prison for not getting little one into school quick enough,

He thought the police were coming round the same day to take me away.

 

Finally the nail in the coffin..... the disgusting text......On friday just gone, D went out for a drink to try and socialise with a few collegues who know about his condition ( at least i thought they did) they left him alone and he got so drunk he became unconcious, trapped behind a toilet door the security guard had to break it to get to D and got an ambulance and he then got taken to hospital, luckily he had his phone on him otherwise i would have been none the wiser. I trusted him, silly me as he got drunk once before but we got him home. I thought he did actually learnt something from it, as he went for another drink with work colleagues and was ok and came back at a reasonable hour as they gave him a lift, this time they left him alone anything could have happened. D texted people from hospital instead of me, i had to ring him, i asked him why did he text people( i asked him this a few days later when i think it sunk in) he said ' i wanted to see if anyone cared'. Do you think he did understand in the end?. I had to go through his phone to find out what happened, he got messages of 'are you alright' what happened' etc. The next day he got a message from his aunt..... this woman has not long had a baby and is 28years old, they own their home (soon) and she drives, i thought she was responsible . Her text reads ' heard you went to a gay bar and got done up the xxxx is that y u ended up in hospital ?.

 

I explained to D that maybe she did send it as a joke but even so it was not funny. He sent her a text saying it is not funny. I did not know he did this, so i tried to speak to her but couldn't and left a message saying ' D told me the text you sent (which he did) him and to be honest i thought better of you'. I got this call back from her saying i was patronising and how dare i speak to her like that i am not her mother. She also briefly apologised but said she was sick of it and she was angry at me as it was meant as a joke and should know she is not a nasty person. I RARELY SEE HER OR SPEAK TO HER SO HOW CAN I KNOW HER THAT WELL. Also i got from her that all 18 year olds go out and get legless and her son will do it, I could not believe what i was hearing. I have been with my OH (and his family)for 15 years and have two children. I am 40 years old. There is no respect from this woman at all.

 

We keep having this trouble on and off with D giving us feedback about what is said and we ask have you got this right ?. Definately right about her interfering with

his contribution, and it being none of her business. I know that to be true.

 

Should i just keep out in future, i did explain to D that i don't expect the whole world to change but i expect the family (which i thought she was)to understand or a least be a bit more tolerant. How do i handle this type of situation, i will speak to be civil but if she blanks me in our company (Nans birthday next week)OH does not know what to do. It could kick off again. Any suggestions, ( i have tried giving them leaflets, you think the sister would know aswell as they are school teachers and come across children like our K who is mild ASD (possible SID).

 

 

Please help,

 

many thanks sarni.

 

My son won't have anything to do with half siblings or they with him mostly. He just doesn't want to know them. If they visit he goes up to his room and waits for them to go. It's been like that from day one.

 

[sawjd]

Hello Fiorelli,

 

Just to clarify a few points,

 

I did check my original message and i did put in that D does work and that his colleagues left him on his own, someone who is vulnerable when they are on their own is not right and before he went out i spoke to the guy who said he would keep an eye on him, he didn't. He did not contact me to say that D is on his own and could i go and get him. The guy had to leave as he had work the next day. Lucky D was found otherwise i would be arranging a funeral.

 

Secondly, i am getting fed up with having to explain with the SIL. Its her that is making a big thing about 3 times in a year and then she said she had, had enough, she ought to try living with his demands.

 

I have checked that because D works £50 is enough. Online gaming battles is expensive.

 

Thirdly,

 

When i tried to speak to SIL about when she came out of hospital, i said one line of text on his phone would have been enough. Also SIL and BIL had nanny running around and his sisters running around helping. So they had plenty of help but just cut D off. SIL and BIL was told before the birth about D and how he would like to be there, they told me to joke to him they were having the baby in scotland, i said i know it was strange but he would like to be involved somehow. They just laughed it off.

 

D thought that he was a part of this family, they think otherwise, i have had on and off heated discussions about D and how they tease him. I have had it in part with my family, they know better now.

 

Where D works there is a girl he likes and he told me they (staff) are making sure that he works the same shift as this girl, Ds words were to me they are making me work with her, by chance the other day, i mentioned this to his boss, and she told me HE is asking for same hours as her. I can see this may develop into him watching her every move while she is at work and who she speaks to. Which is why i urged caution.

 

Yes i can see its perfectly normal to ask 18 years olds, but D needs to do it off of his own back and not because he thinks people are pressuring him. He is not totally like other 18year olds which is what i was trying to explain to her and her arguement is he is, which is insulting, i have explained his history and showed reports, does that mean all the consultants were wrong aswell, all the teachers in his schools, hospitals etc. I know children develop over time but this condition will be with him always as thats what they told me. We obviously see what he is like at home and the things he does, but just because they don't see it (they don't see him often enough)doesn't mean it don't happen. (i am thinking of tree falling over in the forest and does it still make a sound, just because you are not there doesnt mean it don't happen). It really is very insulting of her to suggest after the struggle we have had that D is ok and its me making him like it. K his brother has been diagnosed aswell and the school want 8 hours of support for him, wonder what she will say to that. Nothing to do with me this time pushing for help, the school noticed it and brought it to our attention. So its not me going mad or over protective.

 

Sorry but one last thing, he did get drunk before at a friends party which is what i also put and thought he learnt his lesson then. My concern is the anxiety he feels holding conversation with people may make him drink more as SIL and FIL has said its ok to get drunk now and again. No its not, On D birthday (18th), he got tipsy and she called him 'screaming like a little ######'(he was yelling a bit). I have told her D tells me everything but she obvioulsy has not learnt. Neither has D however it is a good thing that he is writing down questions like, whats your favourite film, whats your favourite colour etc.

 

Maybe she has finally learnt her lesson as she has said for me and D not to call her anymore, funny that , we told her not to respond to his texts ages ago before the drink incident. I can admit i am still learning about D, some people never will.

 

I think with d its getting to understand the consequences somehow. At least we are going to get further help for him.

 

Thanks for your post.

 

Best wishes

 

sarni.

[sawjd]

Hi

This is an awful situation as you want to protect your son but at the same time he obviousley needs to make his own decisions about who he wants to socialise with.The "sister in law" doesnt seem to understand your son at all but you cant oust her from the familt even though you are older.

 

My ex had a similar problem with a sister in law,she started taking control over everthing that the extended family did,she had no respect for her husbands older brothers and sisters who should have more authority than her.Eventually they had a meeting and told the brother that his wife needs to back off a bit or he risks losing them.

 

Maybe you can get your OH to hold such a meeting,not to threaten but just explain your sons needs,maybe if his sisters understand they can help get the message across to the in law.It is worth a shot.I think if you dont get along with her there is nothing more you can do other than just act civil,you dont have to be her best mate.

 

Also maybe speak to your OH brother and see if he can spend time with just him and your son,if not then see how your son feels,if she is making things hard on him then he may have to let go.

 

[sawjd]

Hello Justine,

 

Thanks for the post.

 

I am hoping it can be resovled but i think that they may feel there is too much against us and that i may have too much to cope with as OH has ms.(he is not in a wheelchair though. Its not too much if the family are all supportive. Which is what i have been trying to get them to understand. Don't think OH has the energy or heart to stick up for me. Which is why i mentioned the 15 years of being together, and why i thought it would count for something.

 

We can try talking again but i would rather go with your suggestion that we remian civil as i think i have lost what respect i did have for her. She wants to hog the limelight with her baby who is now i think six months old, fine. (sorry its just the way she acts, first time baby but she is the only one who has had one if you know what i mean)

 

Something worried me the other day, (sorry if its going off topic) but K told me and OH that we love her baby more than him. wow what a statemnet out of the blue. We were not talking about her baby, but when we visit FIL likes to talk about her baby a lot and how good he is in front of K at times. Can't really talk to him to make him understand that this is not good for K. I just get the impression that we are all not really wanted anymore, fine by me but before K was diagnosed they just wanted K and not D or me. Never offer to go out with us, not even once in the last two years. She (MIL) has been helpful when i have rang in the past about getting food shopping and she has offered to pick us up but i would have really like to go out with her and my son but she just does not want to know. Everytime i try to talk to her, there is not much of a conversation with her. Not so bad when we are at her home, but i do get 'you go out and we will have K'. Before i made the effort to take him up there after school and we would visist a least once a week, FIL makes a point of saying expect we will see you next easter in a joking manner when i know he is really trying to say 'why dont you bring him up more often'. MIL suggested i take K out to after school club to get rid of energy, which is late after school,so now visists are minimum. I got the blame for this.

 

Thats all stopped as i got the blame for not taking him up there anymore to visit when in fact a majority of the time its OH ms that makes him feel fatigued, it will be even more difficult now. We got accused of using them for just being child minders/babysitters even though this was a joke, i felt bad as the saying goes many a true word said in jest,and i haved heard how they like to drop hints when something is really wrong instead of coming out with what they want to say. With all this going on before the drinking incident how can things ever be truly repaired. I guess i will just have to wait and see.

 

Best wishes, thanks for reading.

 

love sandra