swearing/answering back

[loulou]

Hi everyone,

 

Kai (ADHD/ASD) has developed a new habit of swearing and answering me back over the last few weeks.

 

He's learnt his new words from my neighbour's son, and even though they're not hard core words, it's starting to get to me.

 

He's behaving like a three year old who's just learnt a rude word and keeps saying it all day. His latest words are sh**, di*k, boll***s and blo**y hell. He says them over and over for no apparent reason.

 

Everytime i speak to him, he replies with something like, "Ok stink bomb" or "Yes, you big fat minger!". He's been saying things like that ALL day, at home and out.

 

I've tried ignoring him, but that makes him worse and he says it more and more and even louder. Not pleasant out in public.

 

I've also tried sanctions but that's not working either!

 

Any suggestions anyone? Should i just ride it out and hope it's a phase?

 

Loulou x

[KarenT]

Loulou, I sympathise. I have the same thing at the moment and it's really upsettign me. So far James' 'swear' words are all bottom-related but that's just because he doesn't know any other words - God help us all when some bright spark at school teaches him some of the choicer expletives.

 

What upsets me the most is that James shout one of his curses at me then go off into hysterical laughter for long, long minutes at how funny it all is, and can kick himself into a real paddy because of the over-emotion. I have absolutely no control here, and it's getting worse by the day. Like you, I'm not sure whether to ignore it or challenge it (ignoring would be the approach for NT children, but I know from past experience that not challenging is seen by James to be condoning, so I feel like I have to say something). I'll be watching this with interest.

 

Chin up, you ######, as my son would say!

 

Karen

x

[bid]

Sorry, no advice, just plenty of <'> <'> <'>

 

Bid

[Viper]

Hi.

 

I have never had this problem with either of my AS kids or my 2NT kids. I think it is because I used the thing AS kids have about rules, they follow them to the point of obsession (well thats what I have found with my two anyway) if started from an early age.

 

The first time one of them used a bad word I calmly said " that is not a nice word to use and only people who are rude say that kind of word" and if a word slipped from mine or my husbands mouth I would quickly say "oh I am sorry for saying that it was very rude of me" Now I find my kids tell me off for swearing and on the odd occasion when a word slips from one of their mouths they are mortified and my son even gets upset with himself. We now have a bit of a joke about it ie "uuummm you said a bad word I'm telling Daddy" we then forget about it and we very rarely have any bad language in our house and when we do it is a slip of the tounge.

 

I think if you want to try this you should choose a time when you are not angry and casually bring up the subject of bad language and how it makes people feel uncomfortable and the user look silly and rude, you could say it makes you sad when he calls you names and you would like it if he didn't do it any more. Mention a few of the words and sugest some alternatives ie flipping instead of F***ing. My son also finds the real words for parts of the body quite amusing, so instead of ar*e he says rectum or buttocks and when I feel angry I sometimes say oh testicles, which is not as bad as the alternative. I must add that these words are only used very rarely too and only in fun and not outside the house or they will take on a new meaning of their own and become offensive.

 

I hope this makes sense and that it might help you a bit.

 

Viper.

[KarenT]

Hi Viper. Don't know about loulou but I've tried all of that with no success. We've talked about pretend swear words, real words for body parts etc but it doesn't help. And (this will shock some of you) dh and I NEVER swear in front of James and all this has come about from stuff he's overheard at school. Oh, and the Beano, which I blame for a lot of things I could never have envisaged but it's too late to go back now. Oddly, the few minor swear words he's heard from grandparents etc he's never repeated, it's the bodily-function ones he likes mostly, and 'stinky-head' type words like Loulou's Kai. I can really identify with 'every time I speak to him', that's so James right now.

 

KAren

x

[loulou]

Hi Karen,

 

I don't swear infront of Kai. On the rare occasion that i do (and it's never anything worse than b****y h***), he tells me off!

 

I've tried Viper's approach too, but that hasn't seemed to have worked.

 

He likes "stink bomb" today, which i admit isn't really that bad, but it was embarrassing in the queue in M&S!

 

I think i'll just ignore him and hope he stops soon.

 

Loulou x

[KarenT]

Curse of the week here is 'asshole'. God alone knows where he got that from. He also likes to watch himself in the mirror while he shouts 'bum' and 'willy' at the top of his voice. Oh, it's sooo entertaining!

 

Let us know if ignoring does the trick. It's never worked for us.

 

K

x

[michele]

hi loulou

 

my son is nine and like yours has learned a few nasty words from other children on our street, I think some of the problem is he so desperatly wants to be 'one of the crowd' and they find it quite amusing that he will turn the air blue no even in front of me when they wouldnt dare let their parents hear.

so I sat down with him and told him every swear word I could think of, which he thought was great and then I told him the 'rules'. now he really only swears when he is very angery and upset.

[goodmummy]

Funnily enough right now my son who is 5 is shouting at me because i am trying to get him to sleep without me. He has been swearing occasionaly for 2 years but lately it is constant . Every other word is sh##,punctuated by stinky fart bum.I have tautght him swearing is only for emergencies if you stub your toe or have a near miss in a car. Alot is from school . hoping he gets bored soon if I keep ignoring it.

I know it shouldn't annoy me so much but it just seems such a shame as he has an amazing vocabulary. What worries me more is the violence of the language like 'I'm going to set light to your hair' or about hating god and blowing up his house or more oddly putting something stinky on gods arm that won't come off.

He has said he hates god for what he did to granny - but I don't know whether he really means it. I'm not particularly religious but it doesn't seem very healthy.

Then again he asked to say his prayers(coz he saw the Sound of Music) and siad what about god bless god! so maybe all is not lost.

Back to the swearing though - my little boy doesn't swear at school just all the rest of the time. Makes you feel like your doing some thing wrong. whilst bouncing happily on a friends trampoline he was saying' your mum smells of stinky sh##pooh farts.'

I feel like I am always moaning about him but I just feel worn down and he seems cross whatever we do . often it seems because if he is doing something nice he is worried about it coming to an end.

[goodmummy]

Funnily enough right now my son who is 5 is shouting at me because i am trying to get him to sleep without me. He has been swearing occasionaly for 2 years but lately it is constant . Every other word is sh##,punctuated by stinky fart bum.I have tautght him swearing is only for emergencies if you stub your toe or have a near miss in a car. Alot is from school . hoping he gets bored soon if I keep ignoring it.

I know it shouldn't annoy me so much but it just seems such a shame as he has an amazing vocabulary. What worries me more is the violence of the language like 'I'm going to set light to your hair' or about hating god and blowing up his house or more oddly putting something stinky on gods arm that won't come off.

He has said he hates god for what he did to granny - but I don't know whether he really means it. I'm not particularly religious but it doesn't seem very healthy.

Then again he asked to say his prayers(coz he saw the Sound of Music) and siad what about god bless god! so maybe all is not lost.

Back to the swearing though - my little boy doesn't swear at school just all the rest of the time. Makes you feel like your doing some thing wrong. whilst bouncing happily on a friends trampoline he was saying' your mum smells of stinky sh##pooh farts.'

I feel like I am always moaning about him but I just feel worn down and he seems cross whatever we do . often it seems because if he is doing something nice he is worried about it coming to an end.

[Hectorshouse]

T' language can be terrible, especially in school, lots of f**k offs and you's, along with bl**dy school, its all cr*p anyway so why don't you just f**k off etc ... His TA bears the brunt of most of it, closely followed by the SENCO, and he says it with real force sometimes, unfortunately his TA whose son has AS is scared of my T, she has said at a recent meeting that she felt she couldn't be as firm with T as she was with her own son and that this may have lead to T not respecting her ... oh yep no sh*t sherlock, she is consistently inconsistent, and T call smell out a chink in someones armour at a hundred paces ... you'd think she'd know better!

 

T also loves any toilet humour or bottom jokes, hysterical giggles for ages, usually ending up with him all wound up, and I have heard him swear at his brov many a t time, which usually results in a case of fisty cuffs at ten paces. He has sworn at me, and I do make it quite clear that I don't swear at him because it is not a nice thing to do to someone you love, as it doesnt make anyone feel very good, and would he like it if I started swearing at him when I was in a bad mood ... lots of silence and frowning, but by repeating the same mantra the message is seeping in, and now he picks me up when an odd expletive slips from my mouth.

 

HHxx

[Zemanski]

has anyone tried the token system? - earn tokens for doing without swear words to save up for a treat (you might need to start with very short lengths of time and build up (5 mins if it's really bad or maybe an hour or 2)

 

do remember to notice those times when they don't swear so you can reinforce the positive - not easy

 

giving Com a list of acceptable alternatives helped us when he was young but once he stopped he hasn't started again and doesn't use even the alternatives (they were when he was 3, he's 13 today). now swearing is breaking a rule and he doesn't break rules unless he's in a meltdown.

 

good luck

 

Zemanski

[loulou]

Hi,

 

I've been trying the token system for a few days. I started off by giving a warning, then if he said something rude again, he lost a token. He could "earn" back tokens for good behaviour. There was a reward (�1) at the end of the day if there were 10 tokens in the "good" jar.

 

Unfortunately, he decided the token system was "cr*p" and "stupid", so it didn't work very well because he lost all his tokens in about 5 minutes then got really upset about it. I suppose i'll give it another go!

 

On a more funny note, the new word of the week is "Limo". My neighbour's boy told him that a Limo is your willy and a garage is the female equivalent! Kai didn't get that one at all (thankfully), but he keeps running around the garden starkers and shouting, "LIMO POWER!".

 

Loulou x

[blue]

I know this one....only tooooooo well. My son's favourite sayings are " your gay" and "pooh face".

 

He went to a church run weekly activity for the first time last week. I thought he'd be ok there......but they brought him back saying his "barred for life" for calling everyone gay! I thought he'd be ok at a church run thing......but evidently not! (sorry I have to smile at this)

 

I wish sometimes he'd pick other words....as "gay" is definatly not tolerated by people outside the home. But on the other hand, he dosent mean it, to him it's just a word, and when he say's these words.....he usually gets an immediate responce.

 

We dont respond to these words at home now......completely over our heads.....and we have noticed that........there has been no decline in his usage of them!

 

So we have come to the conclusion...that he cant help it! We try to change the subject....get his attention elsewhere so he forgets what he was saying, sometimes that helps...but mainly not.......references to bums and such are now part of our everyday conversations (what a bummer)....but at the end of the day.....there only words!!!!

[KarenT]

has anyone tried the token system? - earn tokens for doing without swear words to save up for a treat (you might need to start with very short lengths of time and build up (5 mins if it's really bad or maybe an hour or 2)

We use tokens for lots of behaviour management stuff, with mixed results. I suggested to James a few mornings ago that he could earn a token if he could manage not to say any rude words through bathtime, which usually takes about ten minutes. He lasted fifteen seconds ...

 

Back to the drawing board.

 

Karen

x

[Guest Trinity]

Hi everyone I have an 8 year old who when is upset will swear it's usually things like fat ar*e, fat cow and his paticular favorite is b***ch this is very hard when we have to out anywhere, if he has to wait for anything these are always used and directed at me which is quite hurtful, but I know that when Nathan has calmed down most of the time he will give me a cuddle. Nathan like many other AS kids know only what is wrote down, if it is in black and white and it is a rule it must be followed. I made a swear chart for Nathan and at the moment it seems to be working you need plenty of stickers for this one, every time we go out he can earn stickers for not swearing he then sticks them on to the chart for the corresponding day at the end day he is allowed to have something that he likes this pleases him but be prepared for them to go into the rules in more details and let them make the rules up with you then you know that you will have covered everything. we are still working on not swearing at home!

[loulou]

Hi everyone,

 

On the topic of rude words or rather inappropriate use of words, I was out in town with Kai today, when i saw a colleague from work.

 

She came bounding up to me, waving and saying "Hi" (she is quite loud). Kai shouts out at the top of his voice, "Mummy, you can't talk to that big FAT lady!".

 

OMG how embarassing! She is a rather large lady though. I appologised and got away quick. I asked Kai how he would feel if someone said that to him, and he just replied, "I'd punch them in the face and anyway i'm not fat!" .

 

Loulou x

[Guest Trinity]

Hi loulou My son Nathan also speaks very loudly and very inappropriately in front of other or even at home, my friend and I came home from a shopping trip with Nathan a few weeks ago and she broke wind in the car which sent him into fits of laughter he shouted at the top of his lungs you dirty b**ch you bl**dy stink it's making me feel sick, as it was a hot day we had the windows down and were waiting at a set of traffic lights at the time my poor friend went bright red as did I an older lady who was passing by didn't approve of his comment either..I know how embarrassing it is to be out somewhere and they just say what they see! good luck with the trying to stop your son swearing...

[sylv]

Nick also uses swear words if he is upset or gets wound up.....School has punished him recently for it with a red card. When we went in there...the head thought we want to complain the red card, and we said no, the red card isnt that important to us, why he sweared was more interesting as we know when he does it.

 

Anyway...that is another story and a long one which still continues.

[Amanda32]

Hi my son doesn't swear but does say silly words. We went shopping the other week and he said to one of the ladies that worked in the supermarket pointing to the spotted dick in the freezer and saying it but pointing to his private parts... He tends to be rude more than swear and telling me to shut up or be quiet if its too noisy with the music on. As he's had bowel surgery he tends to have wind problems if you know what i mean. He constantly does it in school and out and says, mam smell that do i stink, or mam i just fluffed.....

Loulou i would try a reward thing with him and give him stinkers perhaps if he doesn't do it see how it goes, sorry im not much help but there is always someone on here that as children that swear, my daughter says little things that she gets told off for saying it.

Take care

Amanda <'>

Edited June 30, 2005 by Amanda32

[Lolly]

We use tokens for lots of behaviour management stuff, with mixed results. I suggested to James a few mornings ago that he could earn a token if he could manage not to say any rude words through bathtime, which usually takes about ten minutes. He lasted fifteen seconds ...

 

Back to the drawing board.

 

Karen

x

 

Im going thru the same with my son,who's waiting to be see by CAMHS for poss ADHD/ASD.

Ive tried,ignoring,telling off etc etc&nothing works here!

fave words at the moment here are "kiss my ass" d**k f***s sake and p*** off you big fat b***H(Usually to his teacher):cringe:

[brooke]

I have just read this and realised im not alone up unitl a few months ago my son didnt know any swearwords at all, we dont swear in front of him but he moved schools and unfortuatley is in a small class where a child swears constantly and guess whos picked it up.

I was VERY upset about this at first (and have complained) as it makes it very difficult to socialise when he is swearing and he is only 6yrs old but the worst was when my 3yr old started copying him. Then he copied a racisit word Why oh why do people say these words in front of kids. i have explained to him that these words are terrible things to say but he hasnt got a clue what hes saying. i have tried all the suggestions on here too but it doesnt work.

I have come to the conclusion he will grow out of it not exactly helpful but this is what im hoping and i suppose he was going to learn these words eventually. Also i have had to explain to family members which is hard as some are offended by swearwords but they have been understanding, and it is very obvious that my son is echoing as he says them in an accent, which he doesnt have when sspeaking normally.

Edited June 28, 2007 by brooke

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Difficult one!

 

When my son was at nursery (yes nursery!!!) he was horrendous for using foul language. I appreciated that nursery couldn't ignore it (words like 'f***er', 'shut up', etc). Robert was firstly given a warning and if he continued he was taken out of class and had to take time out, which consisted of him watching a sand timer before being allowed back in. There were occasions, when he'd completely flip and he couldn't be forced to sit in the chair. In addition, staff successful in getting him to take time had had to stay away from him the rest of the day. It was also very much a case of praising his good language, etc.

 

At home it was a different story. Although I'd attempted to get him to take time out, one day I had him sitting on the stairs and had to put him back there 34 times! I was too exhausted to impose that one! Instead I gave him a warning, which I found to be much more effective. Basically, he was told that I'd speak to him once he spoke nicely. Initially, he hated that, but he'd come out of a strop much quicker!

 

Admittedly, it took a few months before he stopped.

 

Sad thing was that at the time he was only 3. It broke my heart to hear him talking with sheer venom! It was also tinged with embarassment that there were people who thought that he'd inherited his vocabularly from me. I completely sympathise with what it's like getting swore at in public, but it's really back to that old thing that people have no idea what our lives are like. You have to deal with it in the best way for you and if that means looking soft (by ignoring it), then so be it. You always get the huff and puff brigade no matter what you do!

 

Things aren't perfect. He's 5 now. I still get told to 'shut up', 'you're stupid', 'I want you dead', etc, but he still gets one warning and is completely ignored until he's nice. For us it works (really!). I felt that the nursery actually gave him attention (like I say, I appreciate it couldn't be ignored), and in the long run perhaps inadvertently made things worse. However, massive improvement.

 

Good luck with this one.

 

Caroline.

[clintess]

I totally know how you on feel, with my children i take away what they really like and only give it back if the bad language stops.This is normally for 24 hours before i give it back and if it happens again i will take it again.Admittidly it took a while before it sank in and the connection was made.Although i havent totally got rid of it,it is def much less.I had previously tried all the time out etc but ds2 never really got the reason behind that.

Ive done the same regarding my teenage daughter regarding answer back and again it is much less than previous.

[becci]

hi,aaron swears all the time.he also takes everything literally.so when he tells me im a fu***** bi*** i say so are you telling me im a female dog that is having sex or are you telling me your upset,he usually says sorry.

the literal thing sometimes comes in handy.lol