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meltdowns in adults

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Saturday night I moved tickets that were pinned to bf's wall to put them in a clip that would make it more tidy. Bf immediately goes in bad mood, and then I spilt beer which I started panicking about because it made a mess etc. Bf's friend started making a big deal of it which made me worse. Bf then stopped talking to me so i went to leave. BF's mother stopped me from leaving as she said i was over-reacting and I ended up having a meltdown in front of everyone.

 

Things did calm down later that night and bf's friend went home - things were fine after that and BF laughed that we both got so worked up over something so stupid as tickets.

 

Got to work this morning and bf's friend emailed me giving me a hard time for making the night awkward for him even though he made the situation more tense than it would have been otherwise.

 

So my questions is really for the adults on the spectrum on this forum - how do you manage your meltdowns if you have them?

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How did you manage them before you were diagnosed? Can you not go back to doing that?

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD :D

 

 

i've never been able to manage them. that's why i was asking.

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i've never been able to manage them. that's why i was asking.

 

Then what did you do in the past to manage the after-effects? Either you can control the meltdowns, or you can't. Dx'd at 32 you'll have either tried every strategy under the sun (if it was a big enough issue) or developed strategies for dealing with the effects of 'meltdowns'. That hasn't changed. Of course, if you haven't tried controlling them then there are probably lots of strategies you could try, like counting to ten or visualisation or CBT, but it seems unusual if this has been a lifetime condition that you haven't rtreid all of those things already.

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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Then what did you do in the past to manage the after-effects? Either you can control the meltdowns, or you can't. Dx'd at 32 you'll have either tried every strategy under the sun (if it was a big enough issue) or developed strategies for dealing with the effects of 'meltdowns'. That hasn't changed. Of course, if you haven't tried controlling them then there are probably lots of strategies you could try, like counting to ten or visualisation or CBT, but it seems unusual if this has been a lifetime condition that you haven't rtreid all of those things already.

 

L&P

 

BD :D

 

usually i tend to leave wherever i am as quickly as possible, go somewhere quiet and let it happen on my own. that's what i do if that counts as a coping mechanism. i've mentioned this before on the forum. i have also had occupational therapy to help combat panic attacks and anxiety in the past when i became agoraphobic so i do try these things. but there are occasions where i am so worked up it simply doesn't work.

 

saturday night i couldn't leave and couldn't do what i usually do and ended up having a really bad one in front of my bf, his friend, and his mother. they expected me just to switch it off because it made them uncomfortable(their words). i was then told i was too sensitive because i was getting really upset over something that didn't matter. this is the first real relationship i have ever been in and i'm not used to having to explain myself or let people in to the point where they see all my behaviours.

 

i'm not sure what you are trying to infer since you have said this is all unusual.

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i'm not sure what you are trying to infer since you have said this is all unusual.

 

I'm not infering or implying anything. I am stating that if this is the first time in 32 years you have found yourself in this situation that seems unusual (and though this may be your first real romantic relationship that would apply in the wider context - i.e. socially, or even within your own family).

 

Taking the word 'meltdown' out of the equation, and replacing it with 'losing it'; this is something I (and most people, I'm sure) have done at various points in my life. In some of those situations I've made a complete ar*e of myself and had to apologise, in others the situation has been one I can walk away from with my dignity outwardly intact (but inwardly cringing), and there have been others where I've had to bite the bullet and live with the consequences.

 

Exactly the same options apply to someone with autism as to someone who hasn't got autism - regardless of whether you use the term 'meltdown' or 'losing it' - and the same options apply for those on the receiving end of the 'meltdown/loss of it' - accept the apology or don't. How much allowance people will make for autism (or any other factor) depends on the individual but in the simplest terms the dynamics remain the same - if person A enacts a behaviour then person A will face the consequences of that behaviour. That's true whether the consequences are the usual consequences, or whether the consequences are different because of an adapted environment (i.e. people making allowances). The bottom line is that either the behaviour has to change or the consequences (adaptive or 'normal', and however negative they might be) accepted.

 

Clearer, I hope.

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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your reaction is the same as DP, he will 'hide' in bed when he is having a meltdown, he knew what was happening and yet I have been his partner for 10 years and tbh although he kept telling me he HAD to do it I didn't understand until recently why.

 

If he cannot get away he will take himself somewhere quiet too

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even before the dx i have always been reserved so when i lose or have lost it i feel bad immediately to the point i torture myself over it for days sometimes, and i apologise pretty much straight away regardless of what the situation has been or whether it has been my fault or not. my family have never been understanding of me so i ended up taking myself up to my room away from things or out of the house altogether as they saw any outburst as me being a drama queen and still do. since then i have stuck with that behaviour because that way no one gets to see it and no one gets to judge me or make me feel self concious bar the occasional time like saturday.

 

i can't expect everyone to be tolerant of my behaviour but i know that there may be more situations like this that i can't control and i guess that is what i am having problems with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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how do you manage your meltdowns if you have them?

 

regardless of whether you use the term 'meltdown' or 'losing it' ... if person A enacts a behaviour then person A will face the consequences of that behaviour.

I'm unclear as to what behaviour is being discussed here. I think that in some cases (not saying this is the case here) meltdown is used too often to talk about normal (to use BD's words) losing it behaviours - it would be losing it if an NT did it, so why is it meltdown if coming from an ASD person?

 

Now, I'm not saying that there isn't a separate subcategory of meltdown, just that I think the term can be applied too widely. The reason I say this here is that everything said in this thread talks about a degree of control - moving the self to a quiet location, asking how to manage it, talking about enacting meltdown behaviours. However, my understanding (and experience) is that a 'true' (sorry, can't think of a better word right now) meltdown has no control; it is about going beyond control. There is no enacting or thought in the behaviours and (at least from my experience) I'm unaware of what I have always done. A meltdown has to run it's course - there is nothing I or others can do (if at 'true' rather than 'pre' meltdown stage) to lessen it - I am unaware of others around me.

 

'True' (still not sure about that word!! :rolleyes:) meltdowns are not, for me, a frequent occurrence but are something I have experienced throughout my life, particularly more so as an adult when trying to negotiate completely unsuitable work or social environments. What my dx has done is allow me to understand these and work (I have regular CBT - might be a useful option for the OP?) on identifying feelings inside me (yes it takes a lot of work and time, but I think it's been worth it) that indicate a 'build-up' and I can do something at that stage to communicate what is wrong, to work on alternative thoughts (very CBT!! :lol:) and if necessary/possible to remove any specific trigger or myself from that trigger.

 

I don't know if that makes any sense or is helpful? I guess the points I'm making are that you need to be aware of what the actual behaviours you are dealing with are, and if you want opinions on things other people have used, I've found CBT useful, but it is a long process and something you have to be prepared to work on. One other thing (not that I'm any good at taking this advice myself :whistle:) is to make sure you're sleeping well and not tired when approaching situations that may be difficult, as this will make it harder to take in what is going on around you and make it more difficult to regulate your response (we all get grouchy when we're tired :ph34r:)

 

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your reaction is the same as DP, he will 'hide' in bed when he is having a meltdown, he knew what was happening and yet I have been his partner for 10 years and tbh although he kept telling me he HAD to do it I didn't understand until recently why.

 

If he cannot get away he will take himself somewhere quiet too

 

But what you're describing is something that I think (?) almost anyone will do - if they're losing it, and want to avoid losing it, they take themselves out of the situation.

Why was that difficult for you to understand? And (if I'm reading 'didn't understand until recently why' correctly) why has the fact that he/you have recently started to suspect that he may have AS suddenly, after ten years provided 'understanding?'. Why is a perfectly normal, perfectly rational and sensible piece of human behaviour being viewed as an indication of autism? (not to suggest that perfectly normal, reasonable and rational behaviours aren't available to autistic people, of course - just a complete inability to see why it would be something 'different')

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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not to suggest that perfectly normal, reasonable and rational behaviours aren't available to autistic people

:lol: :lol: I'm not entirely sure my current level of chocolate eating is either perfectly normal, reasonable, or rational... :eat1::ph34r:

 

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But what you're describing is something that I think (?) almost anyone will do - if they're losing it, and want to avoid losing it, they take themselves out of the situation.

Why was that difficult for you to understand? And (if I'm reading 'didn't understand until recently why' correctly) why has the fact that he/you have recently started to suspect that he may have AS suddenly, after ten years provided 'understanding?'. Why is a perfectly normal, perfectly rational and sensible piece of human behaviour being viewed as an indication of autism? (not to suggest that perfectly normal, reasonable and rational behaviours aren't available to autistic people, of course - just a complete inability to see why it would be something 'different')

 

L&P

 

BD :D

 

I see your point, however I don't have to remove myself from somewhere if I am losing it, perhaps I don't lose it to that sort of level and typing stuff is always harder to explain than face to face! I have never understood some of his behaviours, far from it, but I have accepted they are part and parcel of him, isn't that what a relationship is about?

 

What I mean (and I hope it sounds better but probably unlikely) is that DP feels out of control with himself not other people so he takes himself away to bed and will sleep things off which put him back ready for social demands once again, it is exhausting for him, but I always assumed it was just how he learned as a child to deal with things, which it could be but it could also be something to do with AS, I am not a GP or a psychologist, all I can go on is what I am reading here and from what we have learned. I may of course be completely off track, once he has his assessment things will become a lot clearer all round and for us as a family the main aim of him being assessed is for him to acquire techniques to help him cope and put in strategies so he won't have to go up to bed if he is feeling wobbly.

 

Have probably dug myself in deeper now :whistle:

 

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I see your point, however I don't have to remove myself from somewhere if I am losing it, perhaps I don't lose it to that sort of level and typing stuff is always harder to explain than face to face! I have never understood some of his behaviours, far from it, but I have accepted they are part and parcel of him, isn't that what a relationship is about?

 

What I mean (and I hope it sounds better but probably unlikely) is that DP feels out of control with himself not other people so he takes himself away to bed and will sleep things off which put him back ready for social demands once again, it is exhausting for him, but I always assumed it was just how he learned as a child to deal with things, which it could be but it could also be something to do with AS, I am not a GP or a psychologist, all I can go on is what I am reading here and from what we have learned. I may of course be completely off track, once he has his assessment things will become a lot clearer all round and for us as a family the main aim of him being assessed is for him to acquire techniques to help him cope and put in strategies so he won't have to go up to bed if he is feeling wobbly.

 

Have probably dug myself in deeper now :whistle:

 

But why will an 'assessment' make his behaviours clearer? If they said he had 'wibblers syndrome' would that make it any clearer? If 'going to bed and sleeping it off' was part of the autistic diagnostic criteria then it would be a different thing, but it's not - so saying 'going to bed and sleeping it off' is okay as a coping strategy after assessment but completely unacceptable/understandable before assessment is completely nonsensicle.

So are you genuinely saying that you have never, in your whole adult life, 'lost it'? :unsure: You've never had a row that you've regretted afterwards? Never behaved stupidly in anger and wished you hadn't? Never cut your own nose off to spite your face? If that's true, I really think you should talk to someone - that's completely 'overcontrolled' psychology -and god help you (and anyone in killing range) when you do finally lose it.

By comparison, taking to bed and sleeping it off is really only an avoidance strategy (one equally NT friendly, though, I'm sure) - but it's a hell of a lot healthier...

But i thought i'd read earlier posts of yours where you said your DP didn't handle things that way - that he was 'highly explosive over trivial things' and controlling to the point of 'taking the children's lives away' etc (just went back to double check, they were from your earliest posts).

You also mention mental health problems and depression, which would certainly seem to explain the behaviours you're now highlighting without the need of autism as a further explanation, surely?

 

Very best with the assessment

L&P

 

BD :D

Edited by baddad

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arghhh I am not getting things across as I want to.

 

Yes I have lost it, but I chose not to do that as a rule, I am the queen of cutting my nose off to spite my face. I tend to lose my rag with the kids and misbehaving, I do not like rowing, that is something I don't want to go into, but as a rule I will not get into a row, I chose to walk away as it makes me feel vulnerable and thats another story.

 

Yes DP is highly explosive and volatile and will remove himself at the point he realises he is feeling out of control, I remove the children if I feel he is there already, sometimes I ask him to remove himself. If I am not there and working I will get phone calls and text messages from him constantly, there is a factor of mental health involved for sure, but to what level I don't know, thats for the psych to decide.

 

Maybe he doesn't have AS, maybe he does, I don't know. The past 18 months have hit us all hard and I am reaching out for help with something I do not understand and want to get the right help in the right way for him regardless of a dx, we have put in place as much routine as possible which has helped, I have tried to change my reactions to his outbursts which again has helped. He rarely goes to social situations anymore as he doesn't drink so for him he sees little point in going out as you go out for a drink not talk to people. If thats all we can ever do to help him stay even then that is all we can do.

 

Am going to work now :D

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What does this mean? :unsure:

 

Doing something stupid out of pride or anger

 

An example you might 'get'... say you wanted chocolate bar 'A' (Topic, whatever) and you put your last 50p in a slot machine on a deserted railway platform and pressed the right button but it had been loaded wrongly and delivered chocolate bar 'B' (Snickers, say). If you then lost your temper and threw 'B' onto the tracks and then immediately regretted it (but not to the point of insanity that had you scrambling over the live rail to retrieve it) you would be 'cutting your nose off to spite your face'.

 

My best 'cmnotsmf' was when i was about 11 and I'd got a cassette recorder I'd been coveting for about a year for Christmas. Every day when I got home from school I'd find my brother using it and there would be a major row.... one day I walked in, saw him recording into it and just lost it - grabbed it and lobbed it up the kitchen wall with a triumphant 'HA-HA - Well you won't ******* use it any more, will you!' Took about thirty seconds for 'triumph' to morph into utter, gut-curdling despair'... :lol:

 

:D

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Doing something stupid out of pride or anger

 

An example you might 'get'... say you wanted chocolate bar 'A' (Topic, whatever) and you put your last 50p in a slot machine on a deserted railway platform and pressed the right button but it had been loaded wrongly and delivered chocolate bar 'B' (Snickers, say). If you then lost your temper and threw 'B' onto the tracks and then immediately regretted it (but not to the point of insanity that had you scrambling over the live rail to retrieve it) you would be 'cutting your nose off to spite your face'.

 

My best 'cmnotsmf' was when i was about 11 and I'd got a cassette recorder I'd been coveting for about a year for Christmas. Every day when I got home from school I'd find my brother using it and there would be a major row.... one day I walked in, saw him recording into it and just lost it - grabbed it and lobbed it up the kitchen wall with a triumphant 'HA-HA - Well you won't ******* use it any more, will you!' Took about thirty seconds for 'triumph' to morph into utter, gut-curdling despair'... :lol:

 

:D

Love the story BD :lol:

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Thanks BD :D Why you think I might 'get' something in the medium of chocolate, I don't know!! :shame::lol::whistle:

 

I have another question:

My best 'cmnotsmf' was when i was about 11 and I'd got a cassette recorder

What's a cassette? :whistle::devil:

 

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Thanks BD :D Why you think I might 'get' something in the medium of chocolate, I don't know!! :shame::lol::whistle:

 

I have another question:

 

What's a cassette? :whistle::devil:

 

Actually, it was a wax cylinder, but i thought that would really confuse people! :lol:

Edited by baddad

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I dont have aspergers syndrome but i am a diagnosed Bi polar sufferer and i too can "meltdown" loose it many a time.

 

Its not something im able to controll not when in the midst of a manic episode.......its like a switch flicking and suddenly youre in the zone of irrationality..........

 

Sometimes it starts to happen slowely and in cases like that i will remove myself from the situation and go do somehting else untill the fealings pass but sometimes its like a big woosh and there isnt time to do anything about it.

 

Its easy for someone who doesnt have aspergers syndrome or say other disorders like BI polar to say. oh all you have to do is controll yourself take youreself away from that situation but with all due respect you havent a clue what its like to suffer from these types of things.

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I dont have aspergers syndrome but i am a diagnosed Bi polar sufferer and i too can "meltdown" loose it many a time.

 

Its not something im able to controll not when in the midst of a manic episode.......its like a switch flicking and suddenly youre in the zone of irrationality..........

 

Sometimes it starts to happen slowely and in cases like that i will remove myself from the situation and go do somehting else untill the fealings pass but sometimes its like a big woosh and there isnt time to do anything about it.

 

Its easy for someone who doesnt have aspergers syndrome or say other disorders like BI polar to say. oh all you have to do is controll yourself take youreself away from that situation but with all due respect you havent a clue what its like to suffer from these types of things.

Hi

I dont agree with your last statement.Yes we dont know what its like but it doesnt mean people with neurological "problems" cannot just walk away from these situations,it may not be easy but it is achievable.

 

My brother,as I mentioned before,has had three strokes.It happens that the part of the brain that controls his "fright and flight" instinct is greatly affected.He actually can take up to 15min to feel pain.This also applies to "meltdowns." When you make a rude remark or he just gets fed up he would react very violently,not to people but would smash things up.He had four holes punched in his bedroom wall within the first year of suffering the first stroke.He did lose it quite easily before the stroke but he was 10 times worse after.

 

It has been 7 years since his last stroke(10 years since the first) and I would say it was only about three years ago that I started to see a massive difference with his "meltdowns." He used to walk away at first and then come back and start up an even bigger argument but now he can go and he may take 10min he may take an hour but when he returns he is great again.So you can say its taken about 6 years for him to learn how to do this.He has had help from a psychologist from day one(almost)and he will always have that support.So that may be why.

However I think he put more effort over the past three years as he has been working with kids and they not his kids so he has had to control himself when pushed far.

 

Its not easy but he is living proof that it can be done.

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i think its about acceptable responses. if you've always got away with having a big screaming paddy/meltdown/whatever then thats what you're going to do. we point blank refuse to use the term meltdown for K... she has tantrums out of frustration just like every other 4 year old and with age will be expected to grow out of them, just like every other child. granted the frustration might come from a different place than an NT child (she will go absolutely nutso if the sun shines in her eyes) but its still just a strop because she's annoyed and doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

i go the other way. i dont have meltdowns, i have shutdowns. i can't talk and can't move, just freeze on the spot while my brain catches up with the situation. this can take from a few seconds to hours. these have always been referred to as strops, and thats what they are in my mind. i'm annoyed at the way something has happened - more often than not its because of an unexpected change in routine that someone hasn't bothered to tell me about or if someone has misunderstood why i'm behaving in a certain way. -

 

we went to a HUGE clothes store a few months ago, and my mother got very cross with me because when she told me to go back out the way we had come in while she paid i said i couldn't and she'd have to show me. she thought i was being petulant. i was actually so disorientated by the noise/crowds that i literally had no idea where on earth we'd come from and couldn't have found the way out if i was being chased by wolves. i'm fairly sure NTs get annoyed at these things too (being misunderstood, having plans changed unexpectedly), and since they dont scream and shout... why should i? i passed for NT for 23 years so why get all autistic now?

 

i suppose the answer is to develop acceptable coping strategies for the frustration/whatever rather than coping strategies for the meltdown because otherwise your life is based on the fact that the meltdown is the key, rather than the coping with everyday stress and in that way the meltdown will always be the first response and a desperate attempt to fix it as a secondary response.

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I dont have aspergers syndrome but i am a diagnosed Bi polar sufferer and i too can "meltdown" loose it many a time.

 

Its not something im able to controll not when in the midst of a manic episode.......its like a switch flicking and suddenly youre in the zone of irrationality..........

 

Sometimes it starts to happen slowely and in cases like that i will remove myself from the situation and go do somehting else untill the fealings pass but sometimes its like a big woosh and there isnt time to do anything about it.

 

Its easy for someone who doesnt have aspergers syndrome or say other disorders like BI polar to say. oh all you have to do is controll yourself take youreself away from that situation but with all due respect you havent a clue what its like to suffer from these types of things.

 

Hi Paula -

Sorry, but that's completely subjective... I don't know that much about bi-polar disorders, but i don't think all people with bi-polar have 'meltdowns' (?) and i know for a fact that not everyone with Asperger's does. I also know that absolutely millions of people without either diagnosis claim their tempers are uncontrollable; beat their wives or husbands or kids up, or generally try to dictate/control aspects of other people's lives through aggression, or verbal or physical abuse or even by more subtle means of manipulation like emotional blackmail or 'victimhood' or guilt.

So you don't have to be bi-polar or Aspergers to understand how 'meltdowns' feel - there are millions of people who can appreciate it from both the perspective of 'having' a meltdown and millions who can appreciate it from being on the receiving end of someone elses.

The thing is, though, anyone who happens to have a foul temper and autism can say 'oh, it's not me it's my autism' in the same way that an abusive huisband might say 'Oh, it's not me, it's my jealousy because I love you so much and i'm so scared of losing you' or a child-beating parent can say 'If only you weren't so difficult I wouldn't do it'.

I don't know what a 'meltdown' is, if i'm honest, but I do know that that word - meltdown- is used as a justification by some people to enact behaviours that they would not otherwise get away with. I've also noticed that when autistic children have 'meltdowns' they are often quite specifically directed at 'soft' targets. I've heard some ridiculous parents declaring 'I'm the only one he/she feels safe to let it out on, so he/she saves it up until after school', but, erm, think about it: what's 'spontaneous' and 'uncontrollable' about that?

And apologies to the OP - I know the initial post wasn't about aggression. But i hope you'll appreciate that the terminology 'meltdown' is used to desribe exactly that.

20 years ago, when I first started in care work they used the word 'blow' ('watch out, he's gonna blow'), which, apart from reducing human beings to the level of lugworms (which blow up their own intestines when threatened), had exactly the same conotations. I hated it then, and I hate it now, because while for a very very tiny percentage of the disabled population it may be a real issue (and i'm not making any judgements about any case mentioned in this thread) it is a phrase that has been overused and abused in the same way that 'depression' is applied to feeling down in the dumps, 'Flu' is applied to a summer sniffle and (sadly) AS is rapidly becoming applied to anyone for whom life is anything, for whatever reason, less than a bed of roses.

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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Nope i stand by what i say unless you actually have a condition youre basically sumiseing how you think the person should be able to behave and react you havent a clue unless youve walked in their shoes.

 

I dont want to get into an arguemnt about Bp or autistic behaviour each as ive often said to his own.

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Nope i stand by what i say unless you actually have a condition youre basically sumiseing how you think the person should be able to behave and react you havent a clue unless youve walked in their shoes.

 

I dont want to get into an arguemnt about Bp or autistic behaviour each as ive often said to his own.

 

 

Erm... well I've been remotely 'diagnosed' by several people on the forum in the past so I can speak with absolute authority and say that 'meltdowns' aren't an intrinsic component of the autistic condition :lol: Having not been remotely diagnosed of BP I can't offer authoratitive comment, and in any event I'm not questioning your subjective experience, so I'll keep an open mind about BP ofr now.

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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i understand that everyone is having a different take on what the correct terminology is - i used 'meltdown' because that's the word i have always used when describing it to other people because no one understands 'ackie peevie' which is the name i give it.

 

you have to understand that i come from a background where i have not spent a lot of time with my family(army boarding school til i was nearly 15, father who was always working, mother who was alway working), or have had many friends so by the time i actually decided to go for a dx i had developed a lot of masking behaviours and the coping mechanisms(some lacking as per this post) that i have now. it doesn't mean i am suddenly using my dx as a crutch, it means i have always felt like this but now i have a name for what i feel and now i know i have people i can reach out to if i feel i need help.

 

i get after several of the replies that it may be offensive to other people on this forum, so i won't use it anymore.

 

all i wanted was some genuinely helpful feedback because i feel i need help - i did get that from a few people which i appreciate and am now looking into. but i seem to be getting constantly criticized(not just in this thread) because i don't use the right words, or don't have the same experiences as other people. i'm not in the habit of giving out the minutae of all the feelings or lackthereof that i have, of the stuff i go through everyday just to try and get through the day - i really shouldn't have to.

 

i thought that this forum would give me the chance to talk to people like me and feel accepted for once which i did when i first joined. i really don't feel like that anymore.

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i understand that everyone is having a different take on what the correct terminology is - i used 'meltdown' because that's the word i have always used when describing it to other people because no one understands 'ackie peevie' which is the name i give it.

 

you have to understand that i come from a background where i have not spent a lot of time with my family(army boarding school til i was nearly 15, father who was always working, mother who was alway working), or have had many friends so by the time i actually decided to go for a dx i had developed a lot of masking behaviours and the coping mechanisms(some lacking as per this post) that i have now. it doesn't mean i am suddenly using my dx as a crutch, it means i have always felt like this but now i have a name for what i feel and now i know i have people i can reach out to if i feel i need help.

 

i get after several of the replies that it may be offensive to other people on this forum, so i won't use it anymore.

 

all i wanted was some genuinely helpful feedback because i feel i need help - i did get that from a few people which i appreciate and am now looking into. but i seem to be getting constantly criticized(not just in this thread) because i don't use the right words, or don't have the same experiences as other people. i'm not in the habit of giving out the minutae of all the feelings or lackthereof that i have, of the stuff i go through everyday just to try and get through the day - i really shouldn't have to.

 

i thought that this forum would give me the chance to talk to people like me and feel accepted for once which i did when i first joined. i really don't feel like that anymore.

Sorry you feel that way.But this is also a discussion forum so while someone may seek advice,and often get the advice that suits them,often their original post gets derailed a bit because it will then turn into a discussion.Its happened to me twice and I dont take any offence because I still got the answers I was looking for.Sorry if you didnt on this occasion but I am sure you have found some comments worth thinking about.

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Sorry you feel that way.But this is also a discussion forum so while someone may seek advice,and often get the advice that suits them,often their original post gets derailed a bit because it will then turn into a discussion.Its happened to me twice and I dont take any offence because I still got the answers I was looking for.Sorry if you didnt on this occasion but I am sure you have found some comments worth thinking about.

 

i do understand that posts can often turn into a completely different discussion - and i didn't take offence over that. i am on forums on other topics (non asd related) so it's nothing new to me. i also acknowledged that i did find some posts really useful and was grateful to get them. it wasn't a case of seeking something that suited me - it was just needing advice which i did get.

 

what got to me was yet again i had to defend myself over my late dx, and that i am using it as a reason to backslide, then over the words i used.

 

it's just becoming more and more upsetting to me. maybe i am being oversensitive i don't know. but i'm not perfect and i can't handle things the way someone who is NT can. i'm not using my asd as an excuse all of a sudden as to why i can't handle things as well as others but really if i am to dismiss my autism alltogether when it comes to problems that i have that are directly related to it - what is the point of even reaching out to people who are supposed to understand then?

 

i have achieved a lot over my life, and handled a lot on my own because i have had no one to help me. and most of this was before my dx. since then i have acheived even more because it gave me that little bit of confidence i needed. but this is the same for people with or without asd - sometimes there are things a person just can't handle on their own and sometimes they need someone to help or talk to. this place is actually the only place i reach out to people with my problems and somehow some people feel that makes me less valid as an autistic for doing so.

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Erm... well I've been remotely 'diagnosed' by several people on the forum in the past so I can speak with absolute authority and say that 'meltdowns' aren't an intrinsic component of the autistic condition :lol: Having not been remotely diagnosed of BP I can't offer authoratitive comment, and in any event I'm not questioning your subjective experience, so I'll keep an open mind about BP ofr now.

 

L&P

 

BD :D

 

Glad you've reminded us of that bd, as I was puzzled to find you responding to the OP in the first place - Matzoball had specifically asked for advice from other autistic adults on how they cope. I think your remote 'diagnosis' hardly qualifies you to put your two pennyworth in. :P

 

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Glad you've reminded us of that bd, as I was puzzled to find you responding to the OP in the first place - Matzoball had specifically asked for advice from other autistic adults on how they cope. I think your remote 'diagnosis' hardly qualifies you to put your two pennyworth in. :P

 

Yes, fair point - I did miss that it was an 'autistics only' thread! But then what are you doing here? :P:lol:

However, does 'remote' diagnosis not count? One of mine was by a published psychologist who remotely diagnosed an ex partnet many years after they had split up :whistle: - that's gotta count for more than a casual home diagnosis, hasn't it? :unsure:

Anyhoo, point taken and apologies to the OP for posting my opinions where they don't belong. perhaps the mods can go through and delete them, along with any similar posts from other non-aspies or those with casual or remote diagnosis?

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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Yes, fair point - I did miss that it was an 'autistics only' thread! But then what are you doing here? :P:lol:

However, does 'remote' diagnosis not count? One of mine was by a published psychologist who remotely diagnosed an ex partnet many years after they had split up :whistle: - that's gotta count for more than a casual home diagnosis, hasn't it? :unsure:

Anyhoo, point taken and apologies to the OP for posting my opinions where they don't belong. perhaps the mods can go through and delete them, along with any similar posts from other non-aspies or those with casual or remote diagnosis?

 

L&P

 

BD :D

 

Oh PS: Just out of interest, though, if I had an official diagnosis would that make me 'right'? What's tended to happen in the past - in fact was exactly the case with the 'remote' diagnosis above - when talking about 'challenging' aspects of diagnosis, is that the coin gets 'flipped' and the views of the autistic member(s) are viewed as unreasonbable or unreliable because of the dx :unsure:

Sorry, Matzoball, another 'aside' and potentially off topic, but if anyone's interested perhaps we could start another thread?

 

:D

 

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Oh PS: Just out of interest, though, if I had an official diagnosis would that make me 'right'? What's tended to happen in the past - in fact was exactly the case with the 'remote' diagnosis above - when talking about 'challenging' aspects of diagnosis, is that the coin gets 'flipped' and the views of the autistic member(s) are viewed as unreasonbable or unreliable because of the dx :unsure:

Sorry, Matzoball, another 'aside' and potentially off topic, but if anyone's interested perhaps we could start another thread?

 

:D

 

i never differentiated between diagnosed and un-diagnosed autistics however (only from what i have seen on the forum, not to say you haven't said it in the past) you never mentioned you have had remote diagnosis. From what I have see you seem to regard yourself as NT and only refer to your family's ASD - again only from what I have read. I am probably wrong.

 

from what i have read, i get the impression that you seem to have a problem with my diagnosis being so late on in life and the fact that i can't handle it 24/7 as you seem to be able to.

 

Do you realise how hard it was at my age to go to a gp and say 'i think i am autistic', fight for referral, go through many assessment appointments and hear some pretty disturbing things about what i was like as a child(including almost killing another child), get a dx, then nearly a year later just because i changed gp's get referred again and have to go through the same process and get another dx?

 

then on top of all that have to deal with being bullied at work, losing a best friend because she doesn't think adults can get diagnosed(her having no knowledge of autism at all), not being able to go into a single starbucks in glasgow because that so called best friend has told all her workmates that i am faking an disability? i have had to contstantly defend myself or prove that i am autistic because i got diagnosed at 32 years old.

 

so on the rare occasions i reach out, i really shouldn't have to feel i need to defend myself when all i am looking for is help and people who accept me.

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Sorry, matzoball -

Quick post as your last was directed to me personally.

I should make it clear I was not claiming a 'remote' diagnosis - it was a tongue in cheek reference to posters who have assumed, or actually suggested I am autistic on the basis of my posts.

I would also reassure you that I'm not 'challenging' your diagnosis, or it's lateness, or its implications - I wouldn't/couldn't possibly 'know' about any of those things. I was merely stating that if 'meltdowns' have been a feature of your life for 32 years, then either coping strategies and/or damage limitation strategies for dealing with the implications after the event would also have been a feature of your life for 32 years, as they would for anyone having 'meltdowns' whether autistic or not. That's clear in my first three posts, but things did get somewhat sidetracked after that.

Hope that clarifies things, and, as I'm not qualified (without my tongue in my cheek! :lol:) to post i'll bow out now.

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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Oh PS: Just out of interest, though, if I had an official diagnosis would that make me 'right'? What's tended to happen in the past - in fact was exactly the case with the 'remote' diagnosis above - when talking about 'challenging' aspects of diagnosis, is that the coin gets 'flipped' and the views of the autistic member(s) are viewed as unreasonbable or unreliable because of the dx :unsure:

Sorry, Matzoball, another 'aside' and potentially off topic, but if anyone's interested perhaps we could start another thread?

 

:D

 

'right' has nothing to do with it. IMO it's perfectly reasonable for an autistic adult to ask other autistic adults how they cope with stuff - its similar to parents with young children asking other parents of young children stuff, as opposed to, say, childless adults. And there are certainly precedents of this happening on the forum. Oh & I came on the thread to suggest you but out, & you have done so thats ok :P

 

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Matzoball: in your post you said what you usually do eg. go into another room. In this instance your BFs mother stopped you. So it is worthwhile telling them that when you need to that is what you have to do. That it should not be seen as 'stropping off' or such like. Just that you need some time alone. If that is not possible in someone elses house then you could go for a walk (but bear in mind safety at night etc).

Telling your BF and his mother of what you find a helpful way of dealing with stuff will stop them trying to control the situation in the way they think is best.

 

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