(obsessive)Relationship between daughter and cat

[vicbee]

I recently put a lot of time and effort into deciding whether we could have a pet in our household and we came to the decision that it would benefit our household and I was 100% sure about the breed of cat we got and how it would fit in with my daughter's difficulties. We purchased an Oriental Shorthair which is bred from the Siamese and I chose this breed because they are very dog like, they like a lot of fuss and dont mind being handled - which would be perfect for my daughter as she likes being hands on. 3 months now, we have had our little Cocoa and she is an absolute pleasure and really has brightened our household and my daughter really loves her and takes care of her....HOWEVER...she has integrated Cocoa into her 'routine' but to a point where it is causing problems. She takes Cocoa up to bed with her for half an hour until it is light out time. I have to 'pick Cocoa up' from my daughter's bedroom at 9pm. My daughter normally goes to her nannas every other weekend so that I can have a break but we have had huge problems with this lately - her not wanting to go because she doesnt want to leave the cat. I was supposed to go away for 2 days and my daughter was going to stay with her nanna and the cat was to be looked in on twice a day by my neighbour. My daughter went into complete psycho mode about a week before I was to go away and after many days of agressive behaviour I figured out that she did not want to leave the cat. She said she was unsure about me going away for 2 days instead of 1 but she was more concerned that the cat was going to be on her own and she didnt want to leave her. I ended up not going away but still sent her to her nannas for one night so I could go out for a meal. I happened to text my mum that evening to see if everything was alright, and I said that I was on my way home. She must have told this to my daughter because what followed was one of the worst experiences my mum has had with her with aggressive behaviour. When I got home, I had to sit on the phone to my daughter for 40 mins to try and calm her down. It was like a hostage negotiation. She wanted to come home desparately, but my mum doesnt like driving in the dark - I live 25 mins away and I had had too much to drink to drive. The situation was completely out of control but there was nothing I could do except try to calm her down and get her to go to bed. It was around 11.30 pm by this time and my mum had been trying to get her into bed since 10pm. She normally loves going to her nannas and she is usually as good as gold for her. The next morning she kicked off again because my mum wouldnt hurry up and take her home. We are now in a situation where she will not go to her nannas to sleep over and my mum is the only person who looks after her so that I can have a break. My mum is feeling really low because she feels she should have coped with the situation better but I know that once my daughter goes into one - there is no calming her down so there isnt much anyone could have done. I feel like I am being held to ransom by a flippin cat!!!

 

Anyone else experienced problems with the family pet?

[justine1]

Hi

First of all are you sure its because of the cat? What I mean by that is sometimes children cannot open up about how they feel properly.It may be that she knows when she goes to her nans house you are going out and this may be whats upsetting her as it means she is "missing out" somehow.

It may very well be that she just wants the comfort of the cat,like when children go sleep elsewhere they take a teddy.

 

How have you explained to her why she cannot take the cat to her nans? Also is she aware of when she is going to her nans and when she will be coming back?

I would suggest that you give her a digital watch and explain and make note of when she will leave and come back.If this is not possible you can incorporate it into a daily schedule,something visual,example write 12pm Lunch and a picture of someone eating or just a sandwhich,then after that write 13.00/1pm going to nans and a picture of nans house or a car driving away.

 

Then tell her each time you going that she can have time with her cat,again incorporate this into her schedule along with a pic of her and her cat,she can then spend 30min or so cuddling her cat and saying her goodbyes.At the same time have an arrangement beforehand with your mum as to what she will be doing when she gets there,maybe your mum can have a schedule for her home.Then say that when she returns home she can tell cat all about what she did at nans.

 

Also take lots of pics with her and cat and create an album that she can take when she goes to nan.Assure her that her cat will be just fine and that he/she is taking care of her room for her until she returns.Maybe get a cheap camera so she can take pics at nans and then show cat these when she gets back.

If possible maybe you could but a stuffed toy that looks similar to cat and keep that one at nans as a substitute.

 

I think you are very lucky that your mum gives you a break.I havent had any break from my kids in 10 years!!!

[got the tshirt]

This is one of the reasons we don't have a pet, I know my kids would be like this, Dd1's xboyfriend bought her a hamster once she wasn't really bothered about it so the younger 2 adopted it, we had to buy it toys and find babysitters for it and of course when it died they were absolutely devastated.

You are being held to ransome and you need to set out some really firm boundaries with your daughter. Remember to give lots of warnings of impending visits to give her chance to get used to the idea. Maybe she could leave something special of hers to keep the cat company.

I agree with justine, you are very lucky that your mum gives you a break. I can't get babysitters and have had one 2 night break in 21 years. Don't let a cat spoil your time out [ even if it is cute].

[Tally]

I know adults (not-autistic) who do not like to go out for the day for fear of upsetting the cat. I've known people whose biggest concern on starting a new job after a period of unemployment was how the cat would cope.

 

Maybe you and your daughter could do a little bit of research about cats and what they need. Cats are solitary creatures who spend most of their life sleeping. It might reassure your daughter that Cocoa is quite happy while she is away at her nanna's.

[baddad]

Our first cat was a disaster - Son just could not leave the poor thing alone. He loved her dearly, but she was a nervous, timid cat (rescue cat, didn't realise quite how nervous timid, iykwim) and he drove her mental. He was also totally 'hyper' in his fascination for her, so it all went a bit t!ts up

 

Second cat was an absolute joy - she used to scratch him to bits playing and they were inseparable. she kipped on his bed from the day we got her. Sadly she had an argument with a car (she used to cross the road to go shrew hunting in the fields opposite)

 

We now have Tabitha who's a cross between the two. She's very 'nervy' but adores him and sleeps on his bed every night. She's the first thing he looks for when he gets home from school, he feeds her, gives her her tablets (she's on steroids!) and she is a hugely important part of his life.

On the downside, i have to say she's the only cat i've ever had that i don't particularly like! She dribbles when you stroke her (ewwwwww) and has an eating disorder and IBS (hence the steroids). I have no doubt, based on the law of sod, that she will live forever

 

So hope that's reassuring that 'obsessive about' isn't an entirely bad thing, and very best with all the not leaving and stuff. I think tally's advice is good - some 'social stories' too, maybe about how cats are very independent and need their own space and can look after themselves quite happily if nobody's about but there's food.

 

He doesn't go as often now, but is also a registered 'cat cuddler' at the local CPL. He says he wants to do work experience there when he's older. Pets generally can be a great addition to a kids life, so i hope you get it all sorted

 

L&P

 

BD

[vicbee]

Thank you all for your absolutely brilliant responses - especially Justine1 - your ideas are really good and I will defo put into practice. I know I sound lucky to have someone to look after her now and again but I am a single mum dealing with her on my own 24/7 and I am so grateful to have a mum who recognises my needs. She is my rock and I count my blessings every day because without her - I too would never have any respite. Unfortunately my mum takes my daughters ways very personally and I dont always empathise because I have really become hardened to the way she is with me so much so that I very rarely tune into any other emotions. I guess it has been a coping mechanism to help me deal with her on my own - by switching off my emotions so that they dont get hurt by her because I know she cant help it.

 

That aside - I would rather have the cat in our lives that out of it. She is very much a comfort thing to my daughter but I also think it is another element of control for her - ie she can (almost) control the cat and also uses the cat to control the situation. Just another one of those problems that we hit every day I guess. If its not one thing - it will be another!!! I guess Im lucky my daughter obsesses over the cat - my friend's 16 year old autie daughter obsesses over boys - and I mean OBSESSES!!! Her worries are more about her daughter getting pregnant...!! Im sure that will be heading my way in a few years too!!

[jlogan1]

hi i too have dd of 14 who is pretty obsessive with pet cat( or her cat as she would say) poor thing has to be put on her pillow every night,whether she likes it or not,the problem being my dd wont have her bedroom door open so i have to wait til she is asleep( could be any time between 6pm and 9 am!!!) depending on her sleep pattern to rescue the poor cat just incase she wants to go out.i must admit cat it 4 years old and her brother had fatal fight with a car 2 years ago,and am dreading the day anything happens to this cat.luckily she is pretty smart and keeps close to home but not sure what dd would do.the way i look at it is you have to remember the good bits and hopefully they outway the bad bits,if it gives children some sort of comfort and reassurance it must be good.although my dd also seems to enjoy being ripped apart by the cat and seems to enjoy being covered in war wounds.she has also one used the poor cat to self harm using her claws to scratch herself,hopefully it was a once off.

hope things work out.

julia