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emmasmum

Stressful shopping trip

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I knew it wasnt going to be easy to go shopping for clothes but...

 

My daughter (14, diagnosed last year with Aspergers) lives in skinny jeans, t-shirts with fun slogans and hoodies. She obviously wears her school uniform (polo shirt and black trousers), but that's the variation of her clothing. We go to Australia every few years to visit family and it's a real battle to get her into shorts - she will only wear them on the very hottest of days. She's not worn a skirt since she left infant school.

 

Today we needed to go out and get her something to wear for her work experience interview. The instructions are smart casual - no jeans. I agreed with her that school trousers would probably be OK - so she just needed a suitable top. She hates clothes shopping with a passion - refuses to even look at the clothes I suggest. I did manage to find a plain black linen shirt which she grudgingly approved of - she's tried it on at home and looks beautiful in it.

 

My son had his prom a few weeks ago and my daughter was talking about how she'd like to arrive at hers. Today I saw a beautiful dress but she wouldn't even let me hold it up against her. She said she won't go to her prom as she hates dresses and hates discos. It really upset me and I'm trying to analyse why. I sat and cried in the car on the way home and so did she - she thinks she's a disappointment to me, but it isn't that.

 

Of course I would like her to enjoy the big party they put on to celebrate the end of school. But also I think her self esteem must be so low to not even be able to face trying on a dress and I have to take some blame for that. I have always told her how pretty she is, but obviously that wasn't enough. She's a size 8 with blonde hair and blue eyes - why does she think she looks so awful?

 

Last year we had to go to an event in London and I'd told her jeans weren't allowed - we had the same sort of battle - in the end I allowed her to wear jeans style trousers which weren't denim - she's not worn them since. I did persuade her to try on a dress but she cried her eyes out in the changing room and refused to look in the mirror.

 

No real point to this post, but it helped to write it down - thanks if you got this far

 

Carol

 

 

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Wow! - are you describing me? :unsure::o My everyday clothes are jeans (not skinny, I'm, not a size 8 :lol:), T-shirt and hoodie. If I must go somewhere where the T-shirt isn't acceptable, that gets changed for a normal shirt, but everything else stays the same.

 

Some of the things you say are really interesting and have made me think - one of the thing I hated most about working was having to find things to wear - I was always really conscious of what was right and I hated having to feel uncomfortable just because that was the way things were done. I was the master of excuses when it came to anything formal and manged to avoid everything. Yes, there was an issue of social interaction and having quite enough during working hours, but knowing what to wear and having to present a fake me was really hard. The same was true with university balls etc - I never went to any because I hated the whole fake thing - I spend enough of my time putting on a fake me to fit in that this additional level of fakeness wasn't fun at all in the way I think it is for some people.

 

I feel wrong for not enjoying dressing up in the way girls are expected to dress up, but a lot of it seems so pointless to me, and that's really difficult to get over. My sister is graduating next month and at her uni this is a really formal affair. I want to go to support her, but getting me into a cocktail dress is going to be hilarious. We're going shopping together sometime to put my outfit together; I can't say I'm fully looking forward to it, although the after dress finding doughnuts might just persuade me :eat: (but then the dress won't fit!! :oops:)

 

That probably doesn't answer any of your questions / concerns, although hopefully it helps to know that she's not the only one. :unsure: If you think about it, all this dressing up and right outfits for right occasions is a bit silly; it's all about first impressions and looks rather than about knowing the individual and it's encouraging a very superficial way of viewing others.

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Sorry you had a hard day >:D<<'>

She may change her mind about the prom,can her brother maybe speak to her about it as he has already been? I preferred talking to my bro at that age he was more understanding than my parents,not saying you not understanding,but she may feel she will upset you.

 

Also I am certain she can go to the prom in anything she likes,surely they cannot stop her from going if she comes in trousers and a shirt??I wouldnt know I didnt go to mine I was pregnant at the time!My mum also was a little dissapointed and we even were going to get a pregnancy ball dress but I felt embarrassed,even though I was at school with the same people and they knew I was pregnant.I still to this day feel I let my mum done,not just cause of the pregnancy but also cause I took that "moment" of the prom away from her and myself.

 

I think you should speak to her.I know she may definatley not want to go but it would be awful if she regrets it later on!!!

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I used to HATE wearing skirts and dresses. I had to wear one for school (even secondary), and insisted on wearing black tights with it even throughout the summer. Outside of school and into adulthood, I have worn jeans and very casual clothing all of the time, and always really hated dressing up for parties or formal occasions. At 14, I would have felt extremely uncomfortable selecting smart clothing for an interview. I am 28 now, and it's only in the past few years that I have started wearing feminine tops with my jeans, and more recently than that I have willingly worn a skirt or shorts (and even they are below the knee), and I am 28 now. I have refused to go swimming for at least ten years for fear of showing my body, but I have just started that again as well. Let's face it; pretty much no one looks good in a swimming costume!

 

Whatever the cause of your daughter's low self-esteem, I would say it can't be your fault if you tell her she is pretty. I don't remember my mum EVER saying that to me, but my feelings were definitely nothing to do with what my mum thought of me. I don't think many teenagers pay much attention to their parents' opinions anyway!

 

I always used to be terrified of being noticed. If someone said to me, "I like your top," I would have cringed and not known what to say, and come across really rude, and then felt bad about that as well. So I stuck to very plain things that no one would like. These days I understand better how to take a compliment and say, "thank you," and so it doesn't frighten me any more that someone may notice what I am wearing. I've even got to the point where I actually like it if someone says they like what I am wearing!

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Sound's just like my daughter dx at 10 with AS, she will be 20 tomorrow :thumbs: and it's been a nightmare knowing

 

what to get her, she hate's shopping for clothes with a passion. My friend once asked if i missed going girly shopping

 

like she does with her daughter, i repiled no ! it really doesn't bother me, she know's what she like's and that's it :)

 

she shop's either with friend's or we split up when we go into town, but never buy's any clothes, shoes yes :lol: . She

 

say's i'm to indecisive to shop with ;) and maybe i am :D. Anyway i have got use to it over the years and don't take it

 

personally.

 

 

 

 

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Have you asked her why? My son will only wear plain T-shirts, as he says the slogans make them uncomfortable. He likes comfortable clothes, and it was an effort to get him to put on smart trousers and a shirt for his end-of-year celebration.

 

Would she wear a trouser suit or black trousers with a smart top? Maybe dress it up with accessories - a shawl around her shoulders or tied around her waist?

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sounds just like my 2 NT DD!

 

DD1 refused to go to her prom this year full stop cos it was full of kids from her school she said, didn't want to wear a dress etc. it's only since refusing to attend this she has got a little better with her clothes, but then I live in joggers and polo's. I rarely go out and what to wear is always very stressful. Clothes just don't like me at any size (I have varied from a size 8 to a size 18 over the years)

 

DD2 lives in a footie shirt which I have to prise off her for a wash and trackies with holes in them!

 

At 14 I gave DD1 £50 to go to town with her fashion conscious mate to buy clothes and she came home and gave me the £50 back! Stressed her mate right out!

 

All I am saying is don't worry about it, shorts are not nice things to wear at 14 as you consider yourself enormous regardless of how small you actually are etc. Let her wear the jeans and tops in Aussie, its not gonna hurt anybody is it? As for the work clothes, well I am selling DD1 work experience clothes she chose on Ebay as Brand New with Tags as she never wore them to that and made do with what she felt comfy in.

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I remember the pressures of having to dress a certain way when I was young, and it caused me huge anxiety, to which I rebelled against quite defiantly!

I have never been comfortable wearing shorts, I wore jeans shorts one summer, never again. I hated my legs, i hated my arms and used to wear a jacket even in scorching heat.

Its definately a comfort thing, and thats the trouble, if you feel uncomfortable then its just a miserable experience.

Alot of girls are wearing leggings with dresses now, and leggings with long tops, that can look very smart, and makes a change from trousers.

Would your daughter look through some online stores for clothes, perhaps favourite things and try them on at home if you can get easy returns? I much prefer this way of shopping for clothes, and hate going to real shops to find clothing as I can never find anything I have in my mind.,I dont feel so self concious trying on clothes at home and have time to let the clothes sink in before buying.

 

 

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