Jump to content
Fido

Please help guys, I'm really struggling here

Recommended Posts

Please don't see a long post and skip me. If you feel you want to help someone then please read on. Thanks.

 

Hi, I've actually just registered as Leesome but am posting under my wifes name as my account is yet to clear.

My wife is a member as we have recently recieved an Aspergers diagnosis on our 6 year old daughter and our 11 year old lad is almost certainly on the spectrum and is about to start the assesment.

 

I have spent all my life struggling on with Obsessive thoughts (normally health related, but also always change related) that have caused me real grief for long periods. I can trace this back to my teens and I am now 42. However anything pre-teen is lost to me.

 

We have spent 2 years fighting the system to get an assesment for our daughter and during this time my wife has gone from hitting the floor and ending up on Prozac, to becoming fully enveloped with the Aspergers and Autism spectrum and getting very well versed in this area indeed. She has thrown her entire being into making sure our kids get the best they possibly can.

During this learining curve she has been more and more convinced I am also on the spectrum for many reasons.

 

I have taken the AQ test and did it honestly to find I scored 38. The educational phsycologist looking after Mollie has done a very "off the record" check on me and say's he will be amazed if I wasn't Aspergers.

 

I am now in the very expensive process of getting fully assesed at the priory in Birmingham for Aspergers.

The thing is, the more we are learning about my childhood from familly and friends, the more certain the Aspergers outcome is.

 

I was diagnosed some 8 or 9 years ago with OCD and at the time the diagnosis it's self provided a real boost as I suddenly believed I could be helped and it explained so much in my life.

But this is different.

I have such a negative...I know better than you..attitude that it is scaring me now and if it is Aspergers then I feel that all hope of ever being happy is lost, as, unlike OCD, there is no doctor that is going to help me with this one. I.m out of hope and totally alone. I am frightened stiff that one day I will simply find suicide the easier option but I have never seriously thought that way.

 

Aspergers people are renowned for not doing change well and I have always been that way.

So picture this, we have got the massive pressure of Mollie, meaning I have dropped my Karate, evenings at the pub, team game I was involved with, gym work Stoke City away games, Speedway away meetings and pretty much anything else that I enjoyed doing. I have gone from 100mph man, to being invloved with virtully nothing at all.

Mollie is looking like she is going to have to leave main stream schooling.

Jake is about to start High school with all the problems that brings to an Aspy child..

We are moving home to an area I really have not wanted to go to. In all fairness, I have come round to it but it is still a massive change as I have spent my entire life in one area and this is away from it..by 1 mile.

My Border Collie is 15 years old but is now very weak and may not last too long, maybe weeks.

 

 

So the pressure on me is now massive and I am doing regular panic attacks.

 

And now the realisation that I am Aspergers.

As I have read on here, many people feel so relived to finally have a reason for the way they have struggled.

For me an Aspergers diagnosis is so much different as it means that I feel I am doomed to feel this way with no hope of ever thinking better things.

I used to have this vsion of me being a real dude to Jake and his mates as he grew older as I have always been young and wacky in thought and deed. Now I am just dying on my feet and Jake must be able to see the difference in his old man.

Maybe the good parts of me are Aspergers and the rest is something else but I really need to find how I can move forward cos the way I am is not fair on my kids or my wife.

 

One last word. My wife didnt ask for this and she has ben fantastic. I am stuck with my troubles, whether I am single or married to Kylie and living in a million pound mansion, my life would be the same, but for my wife it is so different and she has opted to make it her lifes work to make sure our kids get the absolute best chance they can possibly have, regardles of the life sacrifises she has to make. She is now in an houshold with 2 Aspergers kids and an Aspergers husband yet she doesnt concentrate on how her live could be, but on how her life is.

Why cant I be like that!

 

So please, if you have been kind enough to read this, can you offer me any advice, maybe a phone number of a group or expert. I live in Stoke. I really need help now.

 

Leesome

Edited by Fido

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

 

It may well be linked to your anxiety generally, and also the fact that there are so many changes going on at the moment for you.

 

Moving house is a difficult thing for anyone, but with the added pressures of Aspergers it's not surprising you're feeling overwhelmed.

 

As I understand it (my daughter was diagnosed last year aged 14) there ARE strategies you, and those around you, can adopt.

 

My daughter has been suffering depression around change (growing up, leaving school etc) and CBT has really helped her.

 

NAS have an excellent helpline and it might be worth giving them a call in the first instance. I'm sure they will be able to signpost you to some support.

 

HTH

 

Carol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For parents

 

Liz Martin

Chair

Parents Forum Staffordshire

40 Churchward Drive

Stretton

Burton-on-Trent

Staffordshire

DE13 0AU

 

Tel: 07939 061311

Email: parentsforumstaffordshire@btinternet.com

 

For autistic/asperger adults

 

Staffordshire Adults Autistic Society

PO Box

2977 Newcastle-under-Lyme

Staffordshire

ST55 9DN

 

Tel: 01782 633040

Fax: 01782 633040

Email: infosaas@ntlworld.com

 

**A common reaction to the realisation that you are autistic/asperger is to have a reactive depression. Being autistic or not doesn't change who you are, but it gives you an idea of what difficulties you might face so you can try and work around them. There are many autistic parents around my mum being one of them and we have a good relationship now shes accepting my aspergers. i hope you find some answers soon, good luck.

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Get back to doing those or some of those activities again!

 

No reason why you can't still have a life as well as your wife, involve the kids (yes it is hard) in the stuff you love and it becomes family time as the kids will be sharing their time with the people they love the most - their parents!

 

As for the rest of how you are feeling, I hope you can start coming to terms with an AS dx as there are positive things to come from that from what I have read as well

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Fido,

 

My husband went through a similar thing when our lad was going through the dx process. We were asked to read a book on AS before our next appt. and my husband put it off and put it off until the day before the appt., when I confronted him about not reading the book. He broke down and ran upstairs sobbing saying he couldn't read it, he was terrified of what he might find out about himself, that it would mean all his memories and all his life up until then had somehow been a lie. That was twelve years ago. It took a while, but my husband did come to terms with the possibility that he might be AS as well as our son, although he never bothered to go through the dx process himself.

 

Do you think going through the process yourself is beneficial for you? It sounds as if you are terrified that the consultant might tell you that you have AS, so why put yourself through it? Maybe it's more about accepting that you are who you are, with or without a label, and giving yourself some time to come to terms with that. That's only my opinion, others may feel totally differently, but I know my husband didn't want to be told what he was or was not, he just decided to come to terms with what he is and what he has achieved and has moved on.

 

Also, why did you feel it necessary to stop all the activities that you enjoy? You can support your children and also your wife whilst still enjoying your own pursuits. In fact, I think it's more important for parents like us to have their own outlets and interests and I'd urge you to maintain your 'you' time and for you to support your wife in having her 'her' time too.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

 

~ Mel ~

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Leesome, and welcome to the forum.

 

I am an adult with Asperger's. I was diagnosed 3 years ago and I am 28 now. Whilst I was relieved to get the diagnosis, I did also feel a little sad to read about all the things I struggle with that the doctor identified.

 

The diagnosis won't change who you are. If you have Asperger's, then you still have it, whether you have a diagnosis or not. Your wife presumably likes you the way you are, otherwise she would not have married you and had children with you.

 

Although Asperger's is a lifelong condition, people with Asperger's can always learn new skills and find ways to get around the things they find difficult. A diagnosis can give you a new starting point to work from and perhaps offer a different approach that could work better.

 

It sounds like you are suffering from a lot of anxiety and depression at the moment, and it's not surprising considering all the things you have going on. These are common in Asperger's, but are not actually part of the condition. They are something you can get help with and recover from, and an Asperger diagnosis may enable you to obtain more effective treatment.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Leesome

 

We recently got a diagnosis for our 20 year old son after many years of wondering what was happening. We had been told so many things since he was a child from he is just wanting attention to he is just being spoilt etc.

 

AS diagnosis has made a difference in our lives, it has made many things make sense. I am not AS but it is very possible my other half is, and he knows it too.

You sound so similar to my husband. And so I will tell you what I would tell him, which is that there are some things we just cannot change and so we need to make the best of whatever situation we are in. It may sound trite and I do not mean it to. I have always been the positive one and he always see's pitfalls even when there are none.

 

It makes a difference to me if my husband is AS, it makes me understand things he has done over the many years and it also explains how he is with me to an extent. Your wife will feel the same I am sure. For so many years I felt it was something I did wrong because I could not work out his moods, his tone of voice nor the atmosphere he could cause when things didn't go right.

 

 

 

You said this.

 

And now the realisation that I am Aspergers.

As I have read on here, many people feel so relived to finally have a reason for the way they have struggled.

For me an Aspergers diagnosis is so much different as it means that I feel I am doomed to feel this way with no hope of ever thinking better things.

I used to have this vsion of me being a real dude to Jake and his mates as he grew older as I have always been young and wacky in thought and deed. Now I am just dying on my feet and Jake must be able to see the difference in his old man.

Maybe the good parts of me are Aspergers and the rest is something else but I really need to find how I can move forward cos the way I am is not fair on my kids or my wife.

 

One last word. My wife didnt ask for this and she has ben fantastic.

 

I am sorry you feel like this but you are not doomed. What would you tell someone who felt like you do? If they asked you for help?

 

 

You are the dude to your son no matter whether you have AS or not. Just cos you are his dad.

 

You are imagining everyone can see what you are feeling and thinking. They cannot honest.:) But we can all feel this at times. hey you are normal :thumbs:

 

Your wife and your kids love you just as you are. And so do all your friends. You have survived all these years and while a diagnosis may throw you a bit emotionally, it is not the sum of who you are. You are more than this and the people who know and love you already know this.

 

It might take some time for you to realise this but you will get there. I promise.

 

I hope you feel better soon. It takes time I know but you will get there.

 

PS get back to the activities you loved. You deserve to have fun too

Edited by scotkaz

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to the forum!

 

Having a young child , especially one with special needs, can often mean that a lot of the other things you used to do go on hold while you deal with what is in front of you.

 

This is a normal part of the process and happens to Parents whether or not they are on the spectrum themselves so there is no reason to believe it is happening because you have Aspergers.

 

Getting late in life diagnosis does not change who you are or what you can do. It may help you to understand things but it is a label. I have seen adults who come to believe they have Aspergers or Autism suddenly start to believe they can no longer do things that they were able to do relatively easily before, at least until they regain their equilibrum which can take a few months. The feelings yopu have now are not unusual, but much of the angst you feel now will pass.

 

If you could do all those things you used to before you can do them now. You may no longer have time or energy to do them because you are devoting that energy to your children, but a potential diagnosis does not mean you are now incapable of doing them.

 

Simon

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...