ASD son doesnt want to work

[mummy]

Hi all.

My Asperger's son is 17. He completed high school and left with 9 GCSEs he has now been at college a year and is doing A-Levels. He chose his college because all his friends from school went there.

He is now complaing he never has any money. his 14 yr old brother has a paper round and is quite independant, but AS son isn't. He likes to be at home. He won't even go to the city to meet friends because he is too scared a to catch a bus by himself. He knows he is isolating himself but refuses any offers of help to be more independant because I think he is not ready yet. He is on facebook all the time though!

As for work, he doesn't know what to do. He has been to work with me a couple of times to do work experience (at a complex needs school) but won't go anywhere alone to even look for work as he is convinced he wouldn't be able to cope with going to work at a place he doesn't know or with people he doesn't know anyway. He just wants to be alone at home when he is not at college.

He won't ask for help, won't admit to us he has a problem, but says he's not lazy and he can't help it.

He is also very unhappy. He cries whenever my husband and I argue, he cries if either of us shout at his brother. Is this because he is feeling insecure and is scared of growing up. I don't know. I just feel so sad for him. He is only happy when he is playing tennis at the club behind our house with the old ladies. I am aware of the existence of 'access to work' but I dare not contact them behind his back but he does not want to make the effort.

I am worried he will become a recluse when he leaves college

Is this familiar to anyone else? How on earth do we help him if he appears not to want to be helped?

[Tally]

It sounds like he has significant anxiety which is going to make even looking for work really hard for him. If you can get him to see a doctor about it, he may be able to get help for his anxiety over going to new places and meeting new people. Once he leaves college he is going to have to seek either work or benefits. If he's on unemployement benefits the job centre will nag him to apply for jobs, but if his anxiety is very severe he may be entitled to disability benefits - but he would need medical evidence to back up his claim, so he is going to have to admit his difficulties to someone at some point if he can't manage to look for work.

 

Sometimes you can get a paper round delivering local papers once a week. They normally deliver them to your house and then you have to go round and deliver them on your own. Or delivering leaflets for local shops. You could even go out with him at first if going out alone at all is a problem. The pay would be pretty poor, but it could be a good first step and a little bit of pocket money. Maybe even delivering charity leaflets as a volunteer could be good for him. Something like that would at least take "meeting new people" out of the equation.

 

Are there any jobs he could do at the tennis club? Again, even if it's just voluntary, it could be a good way to start on familiar territory.

 

He may be overloaded from contact with other people all day at college. Perhaps once he has finished college he will be able to cope with seeing other people in work instead.

[oxgirl]

Hi mummy, I can very much empathise with your situation. My lad is 16, 17 in November, and his independence and confidence are both very low. Your lad is very lucky in that he does have friends, though, that is something I can only dream about with my lad, who hasn't, and never has had, a single friend.

 

When it comes to work and growing up, though, your lad sounds to be in a similar position to mine. My lad is going into an ASD specific college in September for a year, something he is very unhappy about. He is too able for it really, but, since he is not ready to go to a mainstream college or to look for work, there is little alternative. He received a form today from the college telling him how he could get a free bus pass, but my lad was terribly upset by the suggestion that he is 'disabled' and doesn't want to apply for it.

 

When he leaves the course this time next year I'm just hoping that he will have moved on A LOT. If he has not, then I don't know what will happen to him. If he isn't ready to join a mainstream course even then and still hasn't the independence ability to look for work then I'm terrified that he'll end up a recluse at hime, the same as you are. At least we have a reprieve for a year, but we will soon be in the frightening position that you are in, where we are out on our own with our lads who are too able to receive help and support but not able enough to get out and make a life for themselves.

 

Sorry, no advice, but very much know where you're coming from, unfortunately. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Kathryn]

I think looking for work at 17 is quite an intimidating prospect for anyone, to be honest.

 

I think Tally has some good suggestions. A voluntary job may help to bridge the scary gap between staying at home and going out and getting a job. My daughter is still at college and has never worked either, but she is soon to start work in our local charity shop which is keen to have her.

 

Even doing a low level voluntary job for a couple of hours a week might enable him to feel useful and help him to gain confidence. There are loads of opportunities out there. If he likes old ladies, charity shops are usually staffed by them, so he might feel quite at home.

 

 

K x

[Paula]

Im in a similar position with my 16 year old son..hes no freinds all his freinds were at his special school he left in june this year and because of the schools location the kids are scattered to the wind....

 

he isnt attending college due to the fact things have failed and all confidence in the place lost.

 

Im looking into getting him involved in a social group for young folks with learning diffiuclties and also trying to get him into voluntary supported work placements and schemes......luckily for me hes keen on this but just needs mum along initially for support till his confidence grows.

 

hes been very depressed and lonely latley as the realisation sets in hes different and what that is going to mean.

 

irrelivent i guess but we got a dog ...........he loves it........its company of sorts for him,something to focus on ie getting the dog fed ect........it forces him out the house the dog needs walking.......and the dog doesnt give a hoot that our sons different............

[The Magenpie]

Hello Mummy.

I have a 25 year old stepson with aspergers who shares a lot of the traits your son is demonstrating. Based on our experience your son may be showing signs of anxiety and possibly depression. Please badger your local authority for support now; it may be that they can recommend a counsellor who specialises in aspergers counselling. Our counsellor persuaded the stepson to get involved in the youth voluntary council so at least he gets out once a week. Additionally she has been teaching the stepson about taking personal responsibility for his actions and his life. The only problem we have is that it is taking a long time to see any results so I recommend you start now, especially as resources for your son's age group are greater then when they pass the magical barrier aged 24.

 

Also see if you have a local Connections/Connexions (were part of the JobCentre setup) as they found the stepson a college place. They can also help with work placements.

 

The resources are out there, even in these economic times but you have to fight for them. We have pestered social services over the past year and finally they are looking to see how they can help.

 

With best wishes

Magenpie

[eismith]

i am 25 with Asperger

 

i left school with 6 GCSE and then wen to college. i had little money and needed a job but i could no cope with geting a job.

 

i kept thinking of things that i could not do like bar and restaurant because of the quick pace and lots of people.

 

my mum than went through jobs that i could manage

 

 

Working in New Look organising the clothes - that i love

offering dog walking services for neighbours or gardening

 

My mum did have to help me ge the job with a lot of pushing but once i got it i love it as i was working alone but had the occasionally work friend help.

[Robyn]

I'm 21 with AS and i went to a mainstream school. I did HNC photogrpahy and HNC animal care at college.

I totally addore animals, i seem to "click" with them more than people.

 

As a result i have been looking for an animal related job.... a few months after finishing my AC college course i asked to volunteer at a groomers and all is good and i think i might have a job their too.

Another thing is the people that work at the dog groomers/ kennels seem to be like me, so we get on well.

 

 

Does your son have any intrests, where he could volunteer his time.... get more experience and gain some more confidence...?

[Bluesbreaker]

18, Aspergers, got 6 GCSE's, Three full A levels and am now at college doing A performing musican course for four years hoping to hit the bigtime...

 

I work at tigers, work = money, money = beer and dates = happy

 

Money = guitars and music = my life.

 

I'm a bar man, well bar staff... and you know how socially demanding those jobs are, im good at it, i just to learn when to not open my mouth...

 

thing is i hate people controlling me, bossing me around treating me like dirt, i don't know your son but if he ever gets a job keep that in mind. also watch out on the depression front as that is pretty important to sort out and can answer a lot of questions (trust me, been there done that, still have it)

[smiley1590]

i can sympathise empathise on personal level with your son when left college after 3 years of being there doing mainstream courses for all that time i felt so scared alone anxious to make the 'jump' 'leap' of giant step into vast world of employment which 'blinds' into a fog makes you lost and confused makes you feel what happens next now that bit over that routine finished hole gap in my life now got to fill do something fast and that be daunting plays on your mind that competing with 'normal' others out there push you into a corner safety comfort zone of what he used to for protection home feels guarded and he knows what to expect what coming next where as employment unpredicted level of independence pf which anxiety and fear grips you tight alof ot time wanting to fight back and do something with your life but scared to make next step without someone 'holding your hand' guiding you reassuring you telling you your next move can be unstable balance can make you have low self esteem feel like failure let down and you keep thinking how am I going to get a job so much involved in the process i broke it down step by step with parents support guidance .... etc i ended up volunteering at local nursery for months and then from there was offered bank staff position i was ready give up and in ... let employment beat me as like climbing a mountain in which never going to get there or succeed as much as next 'normal' person perform and do the job as well .... employment services like job centre and connexions let you find out on your own alone out in the cold with no one fall back on apart from yourself and parents ....

 

when i first thought about getting a job when parents approached in coversations i was thinking how am i going to do this! they don't know what they asking me to do! i so scared of leaving what i'd known for so many years of education right into employment i had to trust and learn this way of learning and adapting new life skills needed to help improve A.S along the way takes alot of courage bravery i cried burst into tears when parents even mentioned employment i was anxious wreck trying get my head around everything was so hard and difficult meeting new people all over new environment to adjust to ..... all i could think of was pressure and strain i was under to be 'normal part' of mainstream society and not let my family down or mess it up like i had in work experience before due to MH probs ( depression) so hard to keep eveything calm when the word and skills of independence is required when all you crave is ever existing reassurance safety comfort zone to catch you when you fall ....

 

i would inquire into voluntary work avenue as gives him insight into working life expections and also social aspect of work environment so isn't shock when real thing is there or offered to him? this may help get him into steady routine pattern from college bringing back in time his self esteem and making him feel worthy proud of what he can achieve in work place .... sounds like trying to avoid the feelings /emotions surroundings employment situation he may bottling up how he 'really' does feel inside as different on outside how about getting him in touch with N.A.S employment team they help find suitable work placements for the needs individual to him as person with A.S.D

 

having no pattern of routine will make depression and anxiety worse just doing nothing he probably bored fed up of living that way don't know how to ask for help and support in right way ...... he needs structure which is productive to building up his skills

 

XKLX

[gazmcfaz]

if it is anxiety making him feel that way could you try to help him with finding work, even part time, I have aspergers, i went through 20 plus jobs in two years because i was always bullied, couldnt understand the till, couldnt look customers in the eye and got called rude. Best job is probably something working alone or with people he knows and trusts. Could try talking to him and say, what is it that makes you so anxious or have such trouble with going out to work, what do you fear will happen? And then talk him through the problems he has with it and try to help

[KezT]

How about volunteering to coach/teach at his tennis club? It's somethig he loves at a place he knows,andmost clubs are happy to take on & train up volunteers - Tenis even has some funding to do so

 

And, as he would need to be CRB's,he wouldn't be allowed to be alone to begin with (and good practise means he shouldn't be on his own at all) so you or one of the "old ladies" could stay with him to alleviate his anxiey.

 

It could lead on to paid coaching work, or just give him the confidence to get out and look a bit more....

[mayB12]

I'd like to bump this thread up a bit, since I am experiencing the same sort of problems with my own son, who is approaching 22. He has traits of Asperger's syndrome rather than the fullblown thing, but it causes plenty enough problems. After completing a science degree, he had a complete breakdown and we dealt with psychosis for many months.

Earlier this year he managed to get some computer work with a local firm, one which was already familiar to him. However, it was a short-term thing and he is now at home again. He has become very uncommunicative and I hardly see him all day, except meal-times when he magically appears from his room.

I am trying to battle my way through the barriers to try and get him motivated. He has a good mind and it needs exercising......but the trouble is, he just doesn't know what he wants to do; it's like every suggestion made is no good.

 

What is important for everyone here, I think, is the fact that this country is rapidly losing jobs and it is going to make life really hard for our young Aspies (as if it isnt hard enough already). I will be going back through the posts made here, to see if I can pick up any ideas for my own situation. I don't want to make him feel as if he's being a parasite, but that's what I AM feeling right now, as I listen to him pacing around his room, hour after hour. It's the ROUTINE they need; my son badly needs a regular routine and I can't provide it.

[Mumble]

It's the ROUTINE they need; my son badly needs a regular routine and I can't provide it.

Why not? If he's living in your house, then he should still be following your rules. So draw up a timetable with him including chores, job seeking, going for a walk/gym/exercise/etc, and that can be his routine. It gives him what he needs, gives him a reason to get out and be out of his room, and provides a way forwards. By saying there aren't many jobs, you're giving him the perfect excuse not to try and find work.

[mayB12]

Why not? If he's living in your house, then he should still be following your rules. So draw up a timetable with him including chores, job seeking, going for a walk/gym/exercise/etc, and that can be his routine. It gives him what he needs, gives him a reason to get out and be out of his room, and provides a way forwards. By saying there aren't many jobs, you're giving him the perfect excuse not to try and find work.

 

Not always as simple as it sounds. I work from home, I'm trying to earn money even if he isn't, damn it. I had all this issue last year when I had to abandon all my own work in order to supervise him 24/7. Every day I had to create a timetable of events in order to give him a routine. Day after day, month after month. Taking him out for a walk is a flaming misery, he does the entire route without a single word. I'd rather go on my own. At 56 I'm brassed off with the whole thing, and I have decided this morning, after reading your comments that I am going to kick him out to the Job Centre. I've given everything I have from within me, and I have no more to give. Stuff it.

[Chris P]

So how did it go yesterday - did you get him to the Job Centre?