Advice on how to cope with a wedding?

[LoubyLou]

We're going to a wedding soon, (note positive attitude!), I've booked accommodation as it's a long drive from home. There are 3 of us - (1)me, pretty burnt-out at the moment with the battling etc (2)DS, 10, who has AS with lots of anxiety problems, generally doesn't want to go (ok so this is 'normal' for boy of his age!), doesn't 'like' any of the very grown-up food in the lovely menu (- ie won't be able to cope with any of the courses, but we're very priviledged to be invited), won't be able to do the 'waiting around' & doesn't want to wear anything other than comfy trousers & a t-shirt (3)OH, lovely, finds social occaisions very difficult indeed, especially if DS becomes anxious/noisy. I know weddings can be stressful for anyone, not least the happy couple! We can't leave DS with anyone else & I can't go alone, so I'd be very grateful if anyone has any tips on what's worked for them, or any ideas on how to cope with the day?

[Cat]

We're going to a wedding soon, (note positive attitude!), I've booked accommodation as it's a long drive from home. There are 3 of us - (1)me, pretty burnt-out at the moment with the battling etc (2)DS, 10, who has AS with lots of anxiety problems, generally doesn't want to go (ok so this is 'normal' for boy of his age!), doesn't 'like' any of the very grown-up food in the lovely menu (- ie won't be able to cope with any of the courses, but we're very priviledged to be invited), won't be able to do the 'waiting around' & doesn't want to wear anything other than comfy trousers & a t-shirt (3)OH, lovely, finds social occaisions very difficult indeed, especially if DS becomes anxious/noisy. I know weddings can be stressful for anyone, not least the happy couple! We can't leave DS with anyone else & I can't go alone, so I'd be very grateful if anyone has any tips on what's worked for them, or any ideas on how to cope with the day?

 

My son attended my wedding (second) wearing a track suit and a cap so that he could pull it over his eyes when everything got too much for him. He was there and that was all that was important to me. Are the Bride and Groom aware that your son has AS? I would hope that they would want your son to feel as comfortable as possible even on their big day. We were able to go through the order of the day with my sons (I have two of them with autism) so that they knew what was coming and when which made it easier on the day but it was still stressful for my eldest who has never been and never will be a socially autistic person. When you say 'we're priviledged to be invited' you might have to accept that your son does not see it that way.

 

Cat

[sesley]

We're going to a wedding soon, (note positive attitude!), I've booked accommodation as it's a long drive from home. There are 3 of us - (1)me, pretty burnt-out at the moment with the battling etc (2)DS, 10, who has AS with lots of anxiety problems, generally doesn't want to go (ok so this is 'normal' for boy of his age!), doesn't 'like' any of the very grown-up food in the lovely menu (- ie won't be able to cope with any of the courses, but we're very priviledged to be invited), won't be able to do the 'waiting around' & doesn't want to wear anything other than comfy trousers & a t-shirt (3)OH, lovely, finds social occaisions very difficult indeed, especially if DS becomes anxious/noisy. I know weddings can be stressful for anyone, not least the happy couple! We can't leave DS with anyone else & I can't go alone, so I'd be very grateful if anyone has any tips on what's worked for them, or any ideas on how to cope with the day?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sons wedding in June. We took him to see the church first and with a itinery on what happens and roughly when. He had to wear Highland dress,which included thick socks and the shoes,complete with a thistle button hole thing.and a plastic Sgian Duhb tucked into his sock. We had to keep him from getting into photos he wasn't supposed to. He likes to pose.We also had arranged for him to go to respite care for evening,to chill and relax. The day, everything went fine until,time to follow the wedding party out. "I don't want to go to a party. I want to go home now." I don't want to go to the hotel for a party I want to go home. So while photos going on, he sat in car protesting. My fault. I should have taken him to see the hotel as well as the church anyway got to the hotel, he had some was uncomfortable with the thistle scratching his face and the thick socks and black hard shoes,so he kicked them off.put them on for the photos then went in for the speech and food. by that time he was very uncomfortable so i contacted the respite care earlier than planned, and he happily changed and went off with them. that was our strategy,complete with mistakes of not seeing the next venue first ,though he amused himself going up and down in the lift in the hotel.He is 10 and high functioning with ASD.If you can find some respite care for him where he will be happy if not do a lot of social stories so he can be prepared for whats to come.

[jollypig]

prior to a recent wedding we asked for a special menu for our daughter all she wanted was apple /chicken + raw carrots+ ice cream ,they catered for her needs and there wasnt a problem . she was ok during the day but didnt want to go to the evening disco so we didnt, at 13 she understood we had to be there but with a little give and take the day went without an issue .

[LoubyLou]

Thank you all so much for you help, tips and advice!!! I think he may well end up going in cap, t-shirt & joggers like Cat's dear son, 'though I will try the favourite-colour-shirt idea just in case it's in any way achieveable ; I will relax much more about it knowing we're not the only ones. I did speak to the NAS who advised using a 'now & next' approach - ie now we're doing this, next we'll visit our hotel, or next I can play a computer game etc. Also asking to sit near the periphery of the room so that DS can be nipped in & out without causing too much embarrassment (not to me, I'm pretty much past that). I may suggest a chat with the caters & be prepared to nip out for hot snack if necessary (chicken with raw carrot would be perfect!). We'll definitely look at photos of both venues if we can find them online & if not try to arrive slightly earlier. We don't have any respite & our days do tend to end up more like Sesley's but hey at least if we make it there & get through the day somehow that will be a success (relative to not going)!!

 

Thank you again so very much for all your advice & thoughts!

[gigglinggoblin]

I was going to suggest if he has a handheld games console he take that or a book or something he can sink into. My ds cant wear school trousers as they make him itch, we got some plain black joggers from next, they dont have elastic at the bottom so they look pretty smart and he wears those most of the time. I'm sure they just want him to be there and if he needs certain things to make him confortable I cant imaghine how anyone could complain (or that any one who matters would). Hope you have a lovely day!

[LoubyLou]

Update: Just to say a big thank-you.

 

We did compromise on the clothes - comfy smart-ish trousers with shirt just for the ceremony, allowed DS to 'dress down' after that. All the advice we'd been given was exactly right: we used "now & next" (ie now wedding, next explore hotel; now meal, next shower - ie something difficult followed by something child finds fun/relaxing & can look forward to); we were able to arrange with the caterer food that he'd actually eat then pop out for chocolate for pud (helped stretch out the time for him a bit); took varied novel activities (£) & favourite drinks & comfort toys; sat near exit. We looked at the venues via the internet in detail as both were too far away to pre-visit. I pre-thought about which bit was most important to me & concentrated just on getting through that, so everything else was a bonus. Only the one big meltdown but that was due to 2 unexpected changes to the ceremony which were completely beyond anyone's control: we coped by making a dash for the hotel afterwards which personally was very difficult (it meant I watched old friends as if through a window and didn't get to say hello), but the main thing was that we did make it through. I was exhausted by the time we arrived & consequently spoke quite a lot of gibberish but so very glad that we went and all-in-all a really lovely day It was difficult repeatedly plucking up courage to explain/ask for the needs in advance but very definitely worth it. PHEW!!!

 

And huge thanks again to all of you who very kindly replied and me encouraged that it was indeed possible!

[jollypig]

WELL DONE IM GLAD IT WENT WELL FOR YOU.