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soraya

What to do now?

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Hi Everyone, havent been here for a while but things are not good. Nick is now 17 and has left school with only 2 GCSE,S , he failed 3 as he did not revise at all as he said he would "walk It" !! He was going to do a public services course at college but he needed 5 GCSE to gain entry and so this is not an option. He now says he doesnt want to go to college and will get a job!!. At the moment he is obbsessed with facebook, he is on it untill about 4am and sleeps untill 3pm, he is lazy, his room is a tip, and when challenged he gets very angry and aggresive. At the moment I feel as if I have let him down as all the fight has gone out of me, since he was 5 I have challenged school, other parents, social services, and have just had enough, I thought things would improve after puberty and school, but you just get different problems!! Also my parents are now both old and infirm and Nick has had so much out of me, I now need to give my parents some time, but Nick just doesnt understand. :(

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Hi Everyone, havent been here for a while but things are not good. Nick is now 17 and has left school with only 2 GCSE,S , he failed 3 as he did not revise at all as he said he would "walk It" !! He was going to do a public services course at college but he needed 5 GCSE to gain entry and so this is not an option. He now says he doesnt want to go to college and will get a job!!. At the moment he is obbsessed with facebook, he is on it untill about 4am and sleeps untill 3pm, he is lazy, his room is a tip, and when challenged he gets very angry and aggresive. At the moment I feel as if I have let him down as all the fight has gone out of me, since he was 5 I have challenged school, other parents, social services, and have just had enough, I thought things would improve after puberty and school, but you just get different problems!! Also my parents are now both old and infirm and Nick has had so much out of me, I now need to give my parents some time, but Nick just doesnt understand. :(

 

Hi soraya -

very difficult situation and tbh I don't know what to suggest, but I would say as far as education goes there will also be options further down the road. Obviously better now rather than 'down the road, but down the road is good at a pinch...

If Nick is saying he will 'get a job' I guess all you can do is keep the pressure on for him to do so - making sure he's getting to bed early enough to attend job interviews, getting to the job centre etc. I don't know how you achieve that around the 'angry and aggressive', other than to say that if trying the nice way doesn't work then tough love is probably the only other option. Much harder with a 17 year old biggun than a seven year old littlun, but it's that same old thing of there having to be consequences in either case :(. The obvious place to start, sanctions wise, would be with facebook - but you're going to need some sort of contingency plan to deal with the anger/aggression that will undoubtedly arise.

I guess the biggest problem you face is that while he was at school you still had the law on your side. Now he's left, there is really, other than a twice yearly jobseeker's interview, no pressure on him other than that which you apply at home. If he has a social worker active on his case it could be worth getting them involved in the hope that having someone official talking to him about his post-school options and long-term wellbeing can stimulate some sort of action from him.

 

Sorry there's not much meat in this reply, but hope you can find some sort of carrot (or stick) that'll move things forward soon.

 

L&P

 

BD

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Hi BadDad ,Thanks for replying, Yes I know you are right regarding facebook, but the only thing to do would be to hide the lap top, but do l really want the house smashed up, and the police called? I dthought i had left all that behind, but Nick seems to be deppressed at the moment, due to hving o friends and he is now 17 and 14stone!! I will try not giving any money first!! I was looking online about a 12 course run by The Princess Trust and made enquires but it has had dthe plug pulled due to cutbacks, what a suprise!! Oh well what to do with an angry aspie teenager!! :tearful:

Hi soraya -

very difficult situation and tbh I don't know what to suggest, but I would say as far as education goes there will also be options further down the road. Obviously better now rather than 'down the road, but down the road is good at a pinch...

If Nick is saying he will 'get a job' I guess all you can do is keep the pressure on for him to do so - making sure he's getting to bed early enough to attend job interviews, getting to the job centre etc. I don't know how you achieve that around the 'angry and aggressive', other than to say that if trying the nice way doesn't work then tough love is probably the only other option. Much harder with a 17 year old biggun than a seven year old littlun, but it's that same old thing of there having to be consequences in either case :(. The obvious place to start, sanctions wise, would be with facebook - but you're going to need some sort of contingency plan to deal with the anger/aggression that will undoubtedly arise.

I guess the biggest problem you face is that while he was at school you still had the law on your side. Now he's left, there is really, other than a twice yearly jobseeker's interview, no pressure on him other than that which you apply at home. If he has a social worker active on his case it could be worth getting them involved in the hope that having someone official talking to him about his post-school options and long-term wellbeing can stimulate some sort of action from him.

 

Sorry there's not much meat in this reply, but hope you can find some sort of carrot (or stick) that'll move things forward soon.

 

L&P

 

BD

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My answer is treat for depression. Also there are a few books about "Asperger's and adolescence", "multicoloured mayhem", "how to be yourself in a world that's different", "Anxiety and depression workbook for dummies". I used to be the angry teenager but for some reason worked hard at school as I was motivated to do so. Pushing people away is the tell tale sign of depression as is being absorbed on the PC.

 

However the services that were meant to support me let me down so I've done what I can to dig myself out of the gutter.

 

1st I went off gluten, dairy, aspartame and MSG. 2nd I went on 5htp, omega 3s and b50s. Then I attempted various courses (having a breakdown in the middle of one) before getting 3 A levels grades A-C.

 

You could do a deal with him "be on the PC for only x hours per day and I will help you find friends". www.nas.org.uk and try the Autism Services Directory to find "social groups for people with Asperger syndrome".

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Good to see you, soraya but sorry to hear it's in such difficult circumstances. :(

 

Don't blame yourself - there comes a point where he has to take responsibility himself,and make some decisions, and it may take a while but until then there's a limited amount you can do as a parent - apart from do a bit of research into opportunities on his behalf and ensure you look after your own needs.

 

There are various diplomas and apprenticeships which combine work experience and study/training - if your Connexions service is any good they might be able to help you look into the various options available.

 

K x

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Hi Soraya,

 

We are in a similar situation with AJ - he left school last summer with acouple of qualifications - absolutely refuses to go to college and spends his time on computer and out at night time. He did get a gardening job earlier this year (3 days a week) and managed to lose it within 3 weeks cos he couldn't be bothered to get up!!

 

His anger and aggression have improved however especially since his girlfriend appeared 6 months ago - but she is too young to be a proper role model for him. And the trouble is there are so few jobs out there even if they've got a string of GCSE's and they know this which makes it even harder to motivate them into trying.

 

I am now thinking that in 2 months he will be 18 and able to sign on for job seekers allowance and that is pretty much it!! At least that lifts some of the financial burden off us cos between 16 and 18 there are no benefits, we lost our tax credits and child allowance and have been supporting him as well - not an ideal situation at all so really sympathise with you.

 

Stella xx

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Hi Soraya,

 

Your son is still young enough to get help from social services and connexions in relation to assessments, housing and job seeking. However I get the impression that he has had his confidence shaken due to failing to pass 3 gcse's which he thought he would walk. He may not admit it is his actions which have caused the failure as some aspies have no sense of responsibility (my 25 year old step son is like this).

 

I have spent many hours reading this site over the past 18 months and it is not uncommon for aspies to become obsessed with the PC but you must establish boundaries sooner rather than later as to internet access, otherwise they will be on it 24/7. In our case we disconnected him from the wifi completely for repeated violations. However some neighbour hasn't secured their wifi so my step son hacks into that.

 

We have engaged a counsellor who deals with long term unemployed and very slowly she is making a difference, but in our case we have to pay. Can the jobcentre refer him for you ? Our counsellor believes my stepson has some form of depression and is working with him to try to get rid of the negativity. Additionally she has opened doors with the local volunteer agency.

 

As for potential violence, I am lucky we don't have to deal with that, but neither should you. Other correspondents on this site often refer to "tough love" so you may have to deal with potential aggression by lawful means, if only to establish a boundary.

 

I have just come back from our counsellor. She believes the biggest mistake we have made with the step son is we have tolerated his non co-operation and negativity to the point where we have "spoilt him". Food for thought.

 

With love

M

 

P.S. My stepson won't sign on for jobseekers allowance as (quote) " I don't want a job". So we have a long way to go yet and when they get over 24 it becomes more difficult.

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Well what a turn around! Nick has signed up at college for a level 1 professional cookery course, we are into the 2nd week and so far so good. Last week was induction week, which he found very hard but he went everyday and even went on the teambuilding day at Blacklands Farm, which he said he wasnt going to do but the tutor seemed to be able to talk him round, which is a first because normally if he doesnt want to do something he digs his heels in!! He still spends all evening on the computor, but is sleeping better as he is getting up at 7.00am. I am keeping everything crossed and hoping that as he really loves cooking he will want to keep going,very early days but i am very proud of my boy at the moment :thumbs:

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Well what a turn around! Nick has signed up at college for a level 1 professional cookery course, we are into the 2nd week and so far so good. Last week was induction week, which he found very hard but he went everyday and even went on the teambuilding day at Blacklands Farm, which he said he wasnt going to do but the tutor seemed to be able to talk him round, which is a first because normally if he doesnt want to do something he digs his heels in!! He still spends all evening on the computor, but is sleeping better as he is getting up at 7.00am. I am keeping everything crossed and hoping that as he really loves cooking he will want to keep going,very early days but i am very proud of my boy at the moment :thumbs:

 

 

:thumbs::thumbs::thumbs:

That is great news.

Karen.

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Fantastic! :thumbs::thumbs: And what a sensible career choice - no matter how bad the economy gets people still have to eat. Be it flambe fillet for those with lots of conkers, or barbecued burgers for those at the lower end of the feeding trough, there's many a good living made in catering.

Very best for the rest of the course and hopefully for the advanced level one next year

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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Thanks everyone, still cant believe it is all still going so well, i have my life back, and was able to spend quality time with my mum and dad today, although the house is very quiet with nick gone from 8 till 4.30!! He has been doing a barista course this week, which is coffee making from the flash stainless steel machines in coffee shops, Nick is now a walking expert on coffee, and knows every bean!!! :lol::lol:

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Well, we lasted 2 weeks!! Nick walked out of college today as he was told he could not hve his mobile phone on him, he tried to lie by saying he had to have it as he was an emergency contact for him grandparents! his tutor phoned me to confirm this and i told him it was a pack of lies.Nick is very angry with me for not backing him up, but i told him i would not lie for him, he now says it is my fault and he wont continue the course. What an idiot i am to think things could change :crying:

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Well, we lasted 2 weeks!! Nick walked out of college today as he was told he could not hve his mobile phone on him, he tried to lie by saying he had to have it as he was an emergency contact for him grandparents! his tutor phoned me to confirm this and i told him it was a pack of lies.Nick is very angry with me for not backing him up, but i told him i would not lie for him, he now says it is my fault and he wont continue the course. What an idiot i am to think things could change :crying:

 

Hi soraya -

Don't give up just yet. If Nick was enjoying the course then he may reconsider, especially if you play it all down so he's not getting any feedback from it. Young peeps are certainly capable of cutting their noses off to spite their faces, but usually less inclined to do so if they aren't getting any mileage out of it. If he wasn't enjoying the course, or has just decided he likes doing nothing more, then the phone is just the excuse he was looking for - nothing to do with you, despite his efforts to 'guilt' you into feeling it is or to wriggle out of taking responsibility himself. Absolutely right not to back him up in lies - certainly not a precedent you want to set even with something as innocuous as a phone, and at seventeen, with enough social understanding to lie, make up on-the-spot excuses, duck responsibility for his own actions and project it elsewhere he's certainly canny enough to understand a simple rule like 'no phones' even if it's not one he wants to adhere to...

I hope he is interested enough to return, and that if he doesn't you don't take any completely unjustified 'guilt' on yourself. Hard, I know, but another factor you need to consider if he doesn't return to college is how you handle him being at home again. You want to safeguard the gains you've made, and try really hard not to let it go back to him staying in bed all morning and facebooking most of the night. :(

 

L&P

 

BD

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