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McGroo

Friends with Asperger's

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Hi folks!

 

I'm probably a bit aspergery myself, which is why I looked into it and joined this forum. But I've noticed one or two friends who are clearly with asperger's, and I'm wondering how to tackle this issue without being rude or insensitive, asides from shouting "Stop being quite so aspergers purleeze!"

 

One of them does not stop talking and he's always endlessly detailing every detail about everything he talks about to a number of decimal places, which at first is quite interesting, but after an hour it starts to make my ears bleed. I can quieten him down if I get him to help me with some programming, or if he's involved with a task that he's good at, then he can be remarkably quiet, focussed and helpful.

 

It's difficult socialising with him because many of my friends find him a bore and complain that he doesn't listen to them. He can also make quite socially inappropriate comments which I can deal with on a one to one basis but with my friends and housemates it can be quite cringing, and to some, upsetting.

 

He does get on with one or two of my friends, and it would be nice if I could see him in a social context without worrying about if it's going to be awkward or not.

 

I think some of these traits are related to Asperger's, so any insight into this would be welcome.

 

Cheers! :-)

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Hi McGroo -

 

Sorry if this sounds a bit blunt, but you shouldn't say anything at all. Even someone qualified to diagnose autism wouldn't / shouldn't go round 'outing' friends they casually diagnose, regardless of how severe they might consider their symptoms, or regardless of any casual diagnosis they might have made of themselves. Despite the fact that many school dinner ladies, teaching assistants, nursery school attendants, friends of friends of someone who knows someone whose sisters 'got one', lollipop ladies etc feel eminently qualified to offer a diagnosis these days the simple fact is they are not.

 

If you have friends who you feel are a bit 'full on' socially or inappropriate then maybe you could quietly say 'hey sometimes you can be a bit full on or inappropriate'. Labelling them with a disability (and again, though it seems common these days to define every level of social unease or every negative personality trait as 'AS', that is not what 'AS' is) - even if it turns out the label is appropriate - should not be a starting point but a thoroughly researched conclusion. And for the record, I know many boring, cringe-making, inappropriate, full on, self-absorbed etc NT's too!

 

Sorry if this also sounds a bit blunt, but my son has very definite autism and may behave (mildly) inappropriately or seem 'full on' socially sometimes, and the simple fact is he needs friends (NT or autistic) who understand and - within reason - accommodate and accept that. Friends who are made to feel awkward by him or find themselves cringing aren't really helpful to him, because they will be continually chipping away at his self esteem. Trying to put that into context - and i do hate making 'physical disability' comparisons but sometimes they help - would it benefit a paraplegic to be always in the company of people who were embarrassed or felt awkward in the presence of a wheelchair? That is not to say, of course, that it's unreasonable to say 'blimey - this ******** wheelchair weighs a ton' if forced to carry it upstairs or something like that, but that is a completely different thing to cringing at having to sit next to one in the pub.

 

Hope you'll appreciate that I am offering advice/support as requested, even if it's not quite what you expected to hear. In a nutshell, if your friends have personality issues that cause you/them problems then talk to them about the issues rather than trying to diagnose them. If you really do feel that socialising with them makes you so uncomfortable that you don't want to do it in certain contexts, either avoid those contexts or bite the bullet and accept them, as far as is reasonable, 'warts and all'. If other friend in your circle have issues with them then you either have to 'stick up' for them if you feel strongly enough about it, or fence-sit/go with the pack if you don't. Tough choices, I know, so very best to you (and your full-on friends) whatever way you decide to go.

 

L&P

 

BD

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i disagree with baddad, as i could have been diagnosed 3 years earlier if someone had mentioned aspergers/autism to me.

Could you sneak a leaflet about aspergers/autism into his pigeon hole or ask if he has heard of autism in a casual way?

 

Good luck

 

Alexis

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One of them does not stop talking and he's always endlessly detailing every detail about everything he talks about to a number of decimal places, which at first is quite interesting, but after an hour it starts to make my ears bleed.

 

That has to be the funniest thing I have heard in a long time :clap:

 

I actually wouldn't mention Asperger's directly. I would stick to the specific issues that are a problem to you. Quite difficult to do without it sounding like you are saying, "you are annoying," but if you can counterbalance it with positive things as well then he might be able to accept your criticisms. For example, you could say that you enjoy talking about XYZ with him, but sometimes you find he talks about it in too much detail and you'd like to talk about other things sometimes.

 

Whether your friend actually has Asperger's or not, he clearly has a difficulty of knowing when people have stopped being interested in what he has to say. The kinds of approaches you might take with a person with Asperger's might be the right ones, you don't have to mention Asperger's to explain the problem.

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Hi

I agree with both Tally and Baddad.I think what Tally mentioned is good,if he is a true friend,someone you have known for while not just an aquaintance,you should be able to express your feelings about how he "annoys you" as Tally said you can balance it out by saying the positives.

 

I definatly dont think you should mention aspergers,if one of my friends said they think I have aspergers because of the way I go on and on I would most likely be offended.Not saying its shameful or something but it just would upset me.I do expect my friends to say when I am embarrasing them or when I look fat in certain clothing,thats what friends are for IMO.They then balance that by being there when I need them and complimenting me when I look good.

 

With regards to your other friends accepting him as he is,personally I think thats their problem and I doubt you can force them to be friends with him.Who knows he may find them equally as boring.

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Ohhh - I can totally relate to this.

 

I go to a monthly social group for people with Asperger's. As we know, everyone's different, and that includes Aspies.

 

One though, who I think is actually a savant (whether that's ever been confirmed, I don't know, but he can instantly recall the day of the week for any date on the calendar in just about any year), has these really strange things he doesn't like other people doing, for example: taking holidays for more than 2 weeks, getting tattoos done, going to the Glastonbury Festival (he thinks it's rubbish, therefore no-one else should be remotely interested either), etc. :wacko: Totally random things. They make him feel so uncomfortable that he actually left Facebook because he hated seeing people doing those things. He felt he had to "call" them on it on each occasion, which inevitably led to angry reactions, and they're not enjoyable for anyone to read.

 

But at these group meetings each month, he always goes on and on about these things, "hogging" the conversation, and "hogging" the people sitting near him with these "topics". :rolleyes: He added a new one this month as well: not liking seeing primary school girls wearing summer dresses (he'd rather they wear trousers). :blink: So there's your socially inappropriate stuff as well. :unsure: It's all quite jovial and funny to listen to at first - maybe once or twice, but it's really wearing thin now that I've been going on and off for a few years. I'd quite like to talk to some of these other people that he's "hogging" about more interesting things, or just different things would be nice! But it's impossible. And he does my head in. :wallbash: It rather ruins the whole experience for me. :(

 

And sometimes when he says these things make him uncomfortable, he adds, "... because it's part of my Asperger's Syndrome". Well, yes - it's part of yours, but I would hope he doesn't think that's part of everyone's, and I would hope he doesn't convince neuro-typicals that that's the case either. :unsure:

 

This is just once a month (and I don't even go every month), and in a group specifically for people with Asperger's, so you have my sympathy in an ongoing situation with a more "general" group of friends! :hypno: Can't really offer you any advice though, I'm afraid. I just cringe my way through the evening each month, grit my teeth, grin and bear it. :rolleyes:

 

James

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i remember when my son was 2 and a bit years old and a friend said to me that she thought my son had autism. I was really upset as i thought my son was perfect. I left her house and we did not talk again for quite a while, i was to upset with her and myself for realising my son was different. He started school at 3 and they said they thought he may have autism and he was assessed. This was made a little easier by my old friend who already said when he was 2 and a bit that he may have autism. My point is your friend may have already heard that he may have ASD or even been assesed but not quite reached the threshold for a diagnoisis. Have a chat with him but be very careful as this could ruin your friendship.

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