Police and social services called......

[Paula]

he ran away from home yesterday againe after things didnt go his way...........he had no shoes on.........it was raining and hed no coat.........my husband went looking for him but after an hour of searching we couldnt find him.I called the police after around 20 minutes...........anyway we did eventually find him wandering round in some local woods soaking wet feet sodden............nightmare..........

 

prior to this hed been aggressive ,makeing threats to stab and kill slash car tyres ect...........

 

To cut a long story short i cant take no more ........i contacted the authorities explained im at the end and a social worker is comeing to see me on monday............

 

Im a wreck with the mental stress of it all........our son is constanlty ranting and screaming that he hates us and doesnt want to live here so basically sod him then......ive given all i can give im exhausted with it all........

 

the devestateing thing about all this is when he was missing a part of me thought i hope i never see you againe.......what sort of evil mum must that make me.........but im a mum whoes been beaten down by 16 years of careing for someone that no matter what you do doesnt appear to give a toss,shows no emotion towards you its like looking at a blank set of emotionless eyes at times..........im sick of trying to understand him,fed up of makeing allowances,sick of every blasted aspect of our lives been overshadowed by his condition......and when he just says i hate you i want to live somewhere else and never see you agine then you think well sod of then lets try and make this happen.......

 

Ive never cried so much.........

 

 

my husband is also worn out by it all.......he says he hates him because of all the distruption and why cant he have been normal........thats thge first time my husband has ever said that........

 

I hope someone can offer help,respite a solution............thats if there is one.......

 

Somedays i feel like throwing myself of a bridge.........my sister said dont be daft and after ten years of keeping it quiete i told her i had actually taken an overdose once because i couldnt face another day of aspergers...........

 

Why do things have to hit rock bottom........why have i struggled on and on putting a brave face on.......monday i will not be wearing a brave face ill let the social worker see exactley how im fealing........

[lorryw]

Hi Paula,

I very rarely post on here anymore but your post hit a nerve.

I do know exactly how you feel. Nothing I can say will ease how you are feeling at the moment but my thoughts are with you.

Be totally honest with social services and tell them exactly how you feel. We spent years putting on a brave face and never admitting (even to ourselves) how things really were.

Try to be kind to yourself.

love Loraine

[justine1]

Hi Paula

Sorry things have reached this point for you <'> It is very clear you all need a break from each other,him saying he doesnt want to live there may sound harsh but at that age he may feel "trapped" being with you and your hubby day in day out. Most teenagers get "respite" away from family by retreating to a mates and crashing there for a few days,it seems in his case hes got "nowhere to run to no where to hide"

 

By getting a break from each other it will bring you all closer I am sure of that.Surely there must be some sort of residential setting he can go to? Maybe Monday- Friday then he can come home weekends. If SS dont do anything write to your MP,this is unacceptable for all of you,you are all unhappy.

[bubblesboo]

not an evil mum!!

just someone under stress,

thinkin of you, try and take care of yourself

xxxx

[JsMum]

I cant understand why you have to wait until MONDAY thats an eternity when a crisis has happened, what did the police do? could he not of been admitted to a secure accomadation/service for his own safety, what if he runs away again in the meantime?

 

I wouldnt wait until monday with the feelings you have had and Im sure you and your husband dont hate him, but hate the behaviours he is displaying, and Im sure you would of been deverstated if he had not of been found, under severe stress our minds and thoughts are not rational, they dont comprimise or understand the wider issues, Im sure you love your son deep down and have showed great resiliance and determination or you wouldnt of got to 16 my son is 13 and he has already been in emergency foster care, and respite, I cant manage more that three or four days anymore or Im really struggling in every area of my well being, its clear you have a lot to deal with, you also have your own needs and it is clear you need urgent support, Id be back on the phone today and insist urgent support, and also write to you MP now.

 

JsMumx

[sawjd]

Hello Paula,

 

I am so sorry for everything you are going through at this moment. I hope the services give you and him respite. It is gut wrenching but him going to stay somewhere else preferably local if possible seems like the best solution even if its just short term temporary. You are a loving mother, loving parents, i know it seems that you are going against instinct but him staying and being like this is dangerous. I have lost count how many times i have had to lock the eldest ones door when his rages went overdrive and how he threatened to kill himself. I was lucky enough to have a sister who would give me a couple of days breathing space. I know yours is a more serious situation.

 

Can i ask has no medication been prescribed or worked before now that may help. I have found going in person to the local mental health unit and not going until someone has seen you sometime works, get proof that you have been in person to your local mental health unit, this proves to the social worker your intent is serious. Can you film or record his behaviour in any way and also get the police record of attendance and names of the officers who you spoke to. Do a check list of people who are willing to support you all.

 

I wish there was something more positive to say but know this you have got this far, you have done all you can.You are not alone in thinking at times such thoughts. You will come out the other side. It will get better, you can't go through hell forever.

 

churhill said, When going through hell.....keep going.....it will stop.

 

Take care of yourselves, thinking of you.

 

sarni.

[Kathryn]

You did the right thing by calling SS - hope they come up with something on Monday to take the immediate pressure off and that his needs are looked at with his long term future in mind. It seems that educationally, what he's been left with is a token amount of provision which is completely inadequate, from what you've said.

 

Keep fighting, as you always do

 

<'>

 

K x

[Paula]

Thankyou for takeing the time to reply............i wish no one understood because then no one would have been or is going through a smiliar thing........

 

Today is a better day........thank god.............as jusual hes acting like nothing happened......ive spoken to him explained how upset it makes me and his dad how his behaviour is unacceptable but how i understand his needs also and im trying to meet them but obviously im unable to anymore and it makes me sad......i said we love you .........what more can i do.

 

Services especially social services are stretched to the limit in my area......they did get back to me imediatley when i phoned up for help......but the soonest they can get to me is monday......

 

The childresn disability service for the area who provide respite ect have said they only provide respite for disabled kids and .........and i know this will be hard to beleive.........they basically said my son doesnt meet the criteria as aspergers isnt a disability.........i was shocked.......she said i realise youve got problems but we cant help youre son.........i asked about direct payments ect i dont understand what there about......againe she said id have to be assessed and as she put it.......i can tell you now you wouldnt qualify youre son doesnt meet the criteria........all they could do was refer to social services........they may not even be able to help i dont know........

 

The only silver lineing is he does start a scheme working voluntary tommorrow i hope it goes well at first he can only do one day but theres the potential to do up to four.......

 

Im takeing it easy today slumped like a bag of rags recovering from the emotion of it all...........

 

Life is never easy i guess.......

[JsMum]

Paula this time year I was told exactly the same that my son didnt meet crieteria, it was only after contacting NAS and Contact a family who told me to get this in writing, once it is in writing you can Appeal, because if it is proven that your son needs respite then it should be provided because it doesnt go by criteria, but by need.

 

Last Summer we didnt recieve anything, this summer we recieved both sessional worker and respite in a specialist respite residential service.

 

I absaloutly advise you ring NAS and look at contacting a Solisitor firm that specialises in Community Care law.

 

My son didnt meet the CDT Criteria but he is now in a new service called Childrens Disability Service, a service for ASD/HFA/ADHD families.

 

Have you had a Initial Core Assessment?

 

JsMumx

[Paula]

No i havent had an initial care assestment.......and its been a long time since ive spoken to the nas........i will get back in touch with them and persue things but i just need a little time to recover from this latest argy bargey......once the social workers been out on monday ill reasses and gather me strenth yet againe and push for help........

[JsMum]

No i havent had an initial care assestment.......and its been a long time since ive spoken to the nas........i will get back in touch with them and persue things but i just need a little time to recover from this latest argy bargey......once the social workers been out on monday ill reasses and gather me strenth yet againe and push for help........

You see that is a big sign that you must try in the very near future to get the support you need because you are now in a posision that you havent even got the strength to fight back right now, the LA have got you right where they want you, powerless because your sooo exhausted!

 

JsMumx

[Enid]

Hi, sending support from someone who is in your position many a night, and day! last night he didnt get out as doors all locked but he screamed and raged for 2 hours and threw his sky plus box from the ustairs window, I beg for help but get none, I am going to get 1 night as his school starting next week, but that is a new scheme and nothing to do with SS, Like you last night I though this is it I am not taking another minute of this sh't and worry and fear, but then today I just got on with it, school run, work, littlies hospital appointment, and we just pretended it never hapened, feel a bit like a battered wife...... anyway there are loads on here like you, just surviving day by day, no life is it, but its the hand we have been delt. keep strong love.

[Paula]

Enid.............empathise utterly

 

I get up every day go about me business smile on the face inside im screaming..people ask how you doing hows your son............i say fine all ok yep were good...........what would happen if i said i feel like ###### hes doing me head in today he thretened to kill me and ive been sat crying for an hour........All i can think is im a stronger person than i ever thought i could be.........

 

 

Thinking of everyone whos just going to be getting through another rotton day with a brave face...........

[bonbons]

hi paula

completely know where your coming from...very similar story with my 14 year old daughter....running away/threatening to run away resulting in police involvement, doors kicked through and other things my husband and I have worked hard for destroyed, abusive, aggressive, controlling, wants to go into care, hates us, wishes she was dead,self harming issues,frequently excluded from school for same behaviours etc.Today, after a positive start back at school with excellent new strategies in place, we find her once again exlcluded, although, the school were partly to blame as they failed to act on information I had given them about a part of her new timetable that she would be unable to cope with, for which they apologised, but still excluded her! Grrr! After 'the phone call' from school, I sat in the staff room at work today, and had a big cry! 1 step forward and 6 back AGAIN!

We have 3 other children , a son of 22 and Twins of 19,and I thought to myself for the first time today how completely different raising them to be the respectful, loving,and well mannered adults they are, and getting them effortlessly through school, has been, and this almost seems like another life!! I will never say to my youngest that she has changed my family, of course not..NEVER...but I have to admit secretly to myself that she has!! Her dx is recent, and it does help to try and understand and deal with her behaviours and thought processes better, but the impact on family life is the same. My marriage is strained as my husband is coping less well and cannot seem to adopt the same sort of 'don't take it personally' attitude that I have learned to have when she hurls insults, and my twins are still at home ( though one of them is moving in with her boyfriend at the end of this month, speeded along I'm sure, by her sister's behaviour. My other children do not understand her condition at all, they are just fed up!

you know though, despite all of the above, when, on occasions, she does engage, and laughs out loud, and says I'm the best mum in the world, and comes for a walk with me and the dog and chats on and on and on, I remind myself how much I do love being a mum, and how hard a job it can be sometimes....some days much more than others!!!....Gosh, I've gone on a bit...and feel much better for it! Hope you manage to pick yourself up too Paula! We all seem to ....somehow!?

Edited September 10, 2010 by bonbons

[Paula]

Yesterday was a better day...helped by the fact he started a voluntary work based scheme run by mencap he realy enjoyed it and was full of chatter about his day and what hed done...........they said he did good and he will be going two days a week tuesdays and thursdays it will help him and help me also...........

 

I often wonder what family life,my life would have been like if our son had been "normal" but i guess well never know.......I dont feel good about blameing my son for my own mental health but it hasnt helped.........breakdowns,depressions,panic attacks ,all atributed to stress acording to the gp ..then thy say do you have stress in youre life ..............errrrrrm yea...........then they say you must avoide.........but how can you.

[MelowMeldrew]

Yesterday was a better day...helped by the fact he started a voluntary work based scheme run by mencap he realy enjoyed it and was full of chatter about his day and what hed done...........they said he did good and he will be going two days a week tuesdays and thursdays it will help him and help me also...........

 

I often wonder what family life,my life would have been like if our son had been "normal" but i guess well never know.......I dont feel good about blameing my son for my own mental health but it hasnt helped.........breakdowns,depressions,panic attacks ,all atributed to stress acording to the gp ..then thy say do you have stress in youre life ..............errrrrrm yea...........then they say you must avoide.........but how can you.

 

Stupid advice isn't it ? 'Less stress' sorted.... without support there is little way to avoid stress, unless you emigrate to live on an mountain top or something. I confess the last 3 months I considered that !! We don't want support for us really (I don't), but I DO need support for my son, since if he is calmer and more relaxed, then I am. Mine can stress us out every waking hour of his day, we just get told to 'hang in there' by some twerp of a consultant who must be an failed hippy or something...

[Kathryn]

Yesterday was a better day...helped by the fact he started a voluntary work based scheme run by mencap he realy enjoyed it and was full of chatter about his day and what hed done...........they said he did good and he will be going two days a week tuesdays and thursdays it will help him and help me also...........

 

Good news so far Paula, I hope it continues to go well, you both need this.

 

K x

[joybed]

Hi Paula i too am sending you huge hugs. I also have been in your situation with my 14 year old, fortunately at the moment he is relatively calm but i spend every day waiting for it all to kick off again. It is an incredibly difficult situation we are all in and unfortuantley there is little support out there. I too hated the behaviours Marcus displayed got fed up of being punched and kicked, was upset for my other children that they should have to deal with all this at there young age, and argued so much with my husband we were on the brink of divorce. I am fortunate in the respect that my parents give me repsite but this comes at a price as there way of keeping him calm is to let him have all his own way and that can,t happen at home with 2 other children who also have there own issues. I used to spemd my life waiting for the weekends and a break but then felt very gulty about feeling this way. Marcus too used to say home wasn,t the place for him and he hated us. I got by by remembering it was his behaviours I hated and not him but it is very difficult to be patient time and time again with someone who doesn,t accept your help.

I also remember needing to go into hospital and trying to find a social worker who would understand i needed help with the children only to be told i wasn,t a priority, so 5 days after major surgery I was dealing with a huge meltdown from a very strong 5 year old with aspergers. I hope things get better and someone listens to you but we are here and truly do understand.

[Paula]

Thanks wish you didnt understand because then you wouldnt be in the same situation.

 

 

great news exciteing stuff Social services have realy come up trumps realy earned there wages.....ive been sent a leaflet through the post........full of phone numbers for stuff that isnt relevent one bit...........thats the best they can come up with coz im not a priority were just not that disfunctional enough..........i guess i should be happy were not.............You gotta laugh hey........

[MelowMeldrew]

he ran away from home yesterday againe after things didnt go his way...........he had no shoes on.........it was raining and hed no coat.........my husband went looking for him but after an hour of searching we couldnt find him.I called the police after around 20 minutes...........anyway we did eventually find him wandering round in some local woods soaking wet feet sodden............nightmare..........

 

prior to this hed been aggressive ,makeing threats to stab and kill slash car tyres ect...........

 

To cut a long story short i cant take no more ........i contacted the authorities explained im at the end and a social worker is comeing to see me on monday............

 

Im a wreck with the mental stress of it all........our son is constanlty ranting and screaming that he hates us and doesnt want to live here so basically sod him then......ive given all i can give im exhausted with it all........

 

the devestateing thing about all this is when he was missing a part of me thought i hope i never see you againe.......what sort of evil mum must that make me.........but im a mum whoes been beaten down by 16 years of careing for someone that no matter what you do doesnt appear to give a toss,shows no emotion towards you its like looking at a blank set of emotionless eyes at times..........im sick of trying to understand him,fed up of makeing allowances,sick of every blasted aspect of our lives been overshadowed by his condition......and when he just says i hate you i want to live somewhere else and never see you agine then you think well sod of then lets try and make this happen.......

 

Ive never cried so much.........

 

 

my husband is also worn out by it all.......he says he hates him because of all the distruption and why cant he have been normal........thats thge first time my husband has ever said that........

 

I hope someone can offer help,respite a solution............thats if there is one.......

 

Somedays i feel like throwing myself of a bridge.........my sister said dont be daft and after ten years of keeping it quiete i told her i had actually taken an overdose once because i couldnt face another day of aspergers...........

 

Why do things have to hit rock bottom........why have i struggled on and on putting a brave face on.......monday i will not be wearing a brave face ill let the social worker see exactley how im fealing........

 

 

Do not feel guilty at all, and don't let SS try the guilt trip either. You can do your best you can do no more than that, yes there but for the grace of go, a number of us, we carry on until we can take no more, then still feel obliged to carry on ! A child does not even have to be directly aiming aggro at you, simply their behaviours or and compulsions can get too much. We've had 3 adults here at times just trying to get him back to planet earth long enough to sleep a while. SS say no restraint can be used, and the medical people say he is medically fit, so, no medication either, back to you mum and dad ! My boy is 15 and counting, again "It's an puberty" thing he will grow out of it, erm... maybe not ! especially if nothing is done to help parents to cope with it, and him. We would be in the same boat as you if he ever decided he wanted to step outside the door on his own, I fear we are nearing that decision with him. His confidence is increasing while his self awareness remains near zero and that's the problem.

[smiley1590]

i was personally in same personal situation as your son being physically aggressive violent etc ... my parents were worn out tired stressed could'nt take anymore strain pressure they was at breaking point literally no one was listening professionals it frustrating and annoying ... for us all i used to run away from home as just try run from 'yourself A.S ,your life' has your son got MH probs depression?

 

it's hard when things so out of control and happen so rapid and fast you feel useless helpless i know my parents did i felt like i let them down i felt so angry with myself i lashed out to closest like the saying goes it's true struggling to cope and couldn't verbalise what was going on ... i was so lost and confused i'm blamed myself i felt guilty bad for doing what i did but felt 'cover behaviour' for depression and anxiety that how it displayed as anger when really behind closed doors in my own world it was really down to M.H probs .... in the background destroying everyone'd lives i was so sad miserable i hated myse;f alot i couldn't face life myself .... didn't know what to do make 'everything alright' to fix 'things ' i understand the everyday battle /struggle /fight so tiring draining for all involved...

 

XKLX