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Chloes mum

siblings and hobbies!!

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Hi, I'm quite new here and in need of some advice about how to help siblings understand ASD behaviour?

I have two children, C aged nearly 7 who has recently been diagnosed with AS and ADHD, and M who's 8 and NT.

Cs behaviour can obviously be very challenging and time consuming and I think her older sister is jealous as a result. She thinks that her little sister is more special than she is because she has problems. C can be very unpredictable, lashing out violently without warning, destroying her sisters things etc. M has now started to be violent back as a result, and in some ways her behaviour is worse!! It has got to the stage now where they can't really be in the same room together without a massive fight breaking out - we can't leave the house together as a family as it is always a disaster.

I have bought M books explaining ASD, such as 'my sister is different' etc, but this just seems to reinforce the message that her sister is 'special' and she isn't!! I always make sure that M has some regular 'one-on-one' time with me or her dad, but this doesn't seem to help much. Basically I think they hate each other and would happily kill each other if left to their own devices. How can I help them have a better relationship?

 

Also, changing the subject slightly, does anyone else have a problem with hobbies and ASD kids? C attends rainbows (girl guiding for little ones) and due to her challenging behaviour I always stay to support her. However today at the group C ran off and kicked another child before I had chance to stop her. The 'teacher' (who also happened to be the mother of the child who got kicked) then grabbed C by the arm and dragged her to the side of the room, shouting at her that she was mean and that it was unacceptable to kick someone. I went across straight away and the 'teacher' then shouted at me too. A few minutes later I overheard another child complaining to the teacher about something C had said to her, and the teacher replied (in front of all the children) 'just ignore her, she's a very mean little girl'!!! I took offence to this and C was very upset by it, so at the end of the group I had a polite word, and tried to explain that C is autistic, not mean, but I was basically told that I was overreacting. Am I? Woud anyone else have objected to their child being shouted at and dragged off, as well as her telling the other kids that she was a 'very mean little girl' instead of trying to explain that she can't always control her behaviour? Whats the best way to handle this??

 

Thanks

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With regard to hobbies, we just gave up in the end. With our son we tried Beavers, Cubs, St John Ambulance, music groups, church youth group and a wind band. We were asked to take him out of them all, and we just did it without making a fuss. School was enough of a battle and we couldn't face yet more hassle in the evenings.

Volunteer adult leaders of youth organisations are just not trained or equipped to deal with kids with challenging behaviour. And if they don't complain about everything, the other parents will.

The most annoying thing is that often the behaviour of the "normal" kids is worse, but they seem to get away with this sort of thing.

The only way for ASD kids with behavioural problems to access a social group, is if they are willing to recruit a volunteer to give one-to-one supervision for your child. I am sure Blue Peter did an appeal on this quite recently - someone on here might know how you can find out about this provision?

Edited by lizj

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If anything the Rainbows leader was over reacting and clearly does not understand ASD behaviour. She obviously needs a bit of education and understanding of the issues and it's a perfect opportunity to teach the other girls about it.

 

Looking at the Girlguiding website -

 

http://www.girlguidi...sabilities.aspx

 

Girlguiding UK is an inclusive organisation and we are committed to ensuring that our members with disabilities are able to enjoy the challenges and benefits guiding offers.

 

  • We provide resources and advice for Leaders to help them support and include members with disabilities.
  • Our programmes include activities and resources designed to raise girls' awareness about disabilities.
  • Grants are available from a fund to help members with disabilities participate fully in guiding. The funding might be used to provide transport to a guiding event, special equipment, or training for Leaders.

 

It might be worth contacting someone higher up in the organisation to ask for advice.

Edited by Jota

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I ,m shocked by the guiding leaders reaction , she has just taught all the other girls that your daughter is mean.... :shame: .......an appropriate reaction should have been to bring her daughter and yours to one side and asked your daughter to apologise to hers and explain why she kicked , then to explain that kicking is wrong and hurts others etc etc.I would,nt send my child back to an environment like that.My son did beaves and other clubs and socially for him they were a nightmare.

 

ok going back to the sibling rivalry....treat both the same , hitting name calling etc not allowed and they both should be disciplined in the same way.Its not fair for C to destroy her sisters things , you may find you have to clamp down hard and there maybe some tough times ahead but if your daughter is kicking and lashing out violently as you say it has to be knocked on the head.My son was difficult at that age and would be pretty rotten to his younger sister, he went to his room at the slightest start of an altercation to cool off and I tried to get him to vent his frustrations out on a tramnpoline or his obsessions always calmed him and helped him focus.Best of luck suzex

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However today at the group C ran off and kicked another child before I had chance to stop her. The 'teacher' (who also happened to be the mother of the child who got kicked) then grabbed C by the arm and dragged her to the side of the room, shouting at her that she was mean and that it was unacceptable to kick someone. I went across straight away and the 'teacher' then shouted at me too. A few minutes later I overheard another child complaining to the teacher about something C had said to her, and the teacher replied (in front of all the children) 'just ignore her, she's a very mean little girl'!!!

 

The fact that your child has an ASD is in some ways irrelevant here in relation to this woman's reaction. She was bang out of order. She should not be manhandling any child, dragging them anywhere, or saying horrible things to them and in about them in front of other children. The child is not 'mean', the behaviour is and there should always be a clear distinction made. As a parent I understand her instinct to protect her own child but if she has chosen to be a Rainbows leader then it is her responsibility to treat all the girls with respect and to act as a positive role model to them as well as to her own daughter. You have every right to complain about her treatment of your child first and foremost and then to explain to her about ASD and the potential reasons your daughter did what she did. Other than that, I agree with everything Suze has written. Oo, I'm really cross now :angry:. By the way, I work daily with a child who has SEN and pulls other children's hair and I volunteer at Cubs sometimes so I understand the stresses but would be mortified with myself if I ever behaved that way to a child or in front of other children, no matter how annoyed I was with their behaviour.

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ITA with everything sammysnake said, that is terrible :angry:

 

Harvey (AS) goes to Scouts (he did Beavers and Cubs first) and loves it, there has been the odd problem but the leaders from all the groups have been absolutely brilliant, I've had a couple of phone calls which isn't too bad to say he started Beavers at 6 and he is now 11! He only started Scouts recently and I went in to speak to the leader to make him aware of Harvs AS and was surprised he didn't seem at all bothered and asked no questions, turns out they already have an AS child in the group!

 

The only other thing he does is guitar lessons, we are very very lucky in that the guitar teacher who comes into school is his uncle (well not actually a blood relation uncle but he and my hubby have been friends since babies and may as well be brothers!) he obviously knows all Harvs background and Harvey is very comfortable with him so that does make a huge difference. He has just started playing guitar at music centre too, will be interested to see how it works out, he wasn't very keen to go but gave it a try (his little sister plays violin there so we are down there anyway), we are only 2 weeks in, this isn't his uncle who takes the group so I think he may take a while to settle in.

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Thanks everyone for the advice - I am very tempted to make a formal complaint, but I am worried about being labelled as a trouble causer or an over-protective parent. also C enjoys going to the group and there are a couple of kids in the group who are really good with her, so I feel it is beneficial to her. If I complain I'm worried that its just going to make things awkward when I have to face this woman every week, but on the other hand I feel really uncomfortable doing nothing as I do feel that her behaviour was totally unacceptable!!

Thanks for the link to the girl guiding disability policy - I think I shall mention tha next time!!

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