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Toilet Worries

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I'm sorry to bother you all, but I'm getting terribly worried about needing the loo when I am at university or with my freinds. It's not a fear of germs or loud noises thing, more a mixture of feeling embarressed/vulnerable and not being sure what is polite,finding the right moment to say something if I need to go, and working up the nerve to speak.

 

I know I'm being silly about all this, but it is really causing me a lot of anguish and discomfort, so any advice would be really appreciated. There have been a few times when I have been so desperate for a wee it feelt like someone was stabbing a knife in my bladder, but I just couldn't say anything so had to keep holding on, and even in one case drink some coffee which just made it worse, until someone asked if I needed to go.

 

Just to give an example, recently I went round to a freinds flat and I was already desperate to go when I arrived, but I was too nervous to say anything because I (I'm not sure what the right word is) didn't just need a wee, and I wasn't sure if it would be rude and how soon after arriving it was ok to ask. We had coffee and a chat, and then sat down to do some work but I still couldn't find the right moment to says something, even though my freind (who is really kind and knows about my autism)noticed I was really worried and asked me a couple of times if I was ok. I just couldn't concentrate on what I was reading, and in the end I did manage to ask, although it took me about 10 minutes to steel my nerves. About an hour later we had had lunch and I was just leaving and needed a wee again, but I just couldn't find the right moment to ask, and I was a bit embarressed about needing to go again so soon. In the end I didn't manage to, and had to stop in a layby on the way home, and it was really embarressing having to go with all those cars going past, when if I'd just managed to say a few simple words to my freind I could have gone in privacy and it would have been perfectly normal.

 

I'm really sorry for the long post, but I'm getting really worried about this and it is causing me a lot of discomfort. I know its only a matter of time before I end up in a situation where I just can't hold on any more, so I'd really appreate some advice.

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Hi

 

Firstly you're not being silly. Many people have problems with toilet for many different reasons, it's just that they don't talk about it often.

 

I have to go fairly often as I have had urine retention which can lead to serious problems. I used to be proud of being a woman who didn't always need the loo wherever I went, however I do now!

 

I would suggest you always try to go to the loo before going out, even if you don't feel you need to. Perhaps you are not noticing you need to go due to anxiousness about going out, being on time etc.

 

Try not to let this anxiety spoil or even stop you going out. Your friend would probably be really upset for you having to go in a layby. Speak up next time, everyone has to go, so everyone should understand.

 

The example of going to a friend's flat is fairly straightforward. It is perfectly OK to say Hi and when they say to sit down or would you like a drink, say 'could I just use your bathroom first?'. You could also use this phrase before starting on a task like going on the computer, or before leaving.

 

Best wishes

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I used to have problems with this as I used to be extremely shy generally - not only asking about going to the toilet.

 

It's not rude to arrive at someone's house and ask to use the toilet straight away. Everyone has to go, so no one is going to judge you for needing to use the toilet.

 

Perhaps the answer is to think about some things you can say and practice them on your own until they feel comfortable to use with other people. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier.

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I have seen a post somewhere about people who have a medical problem which means they often need the loo at VERY short notice. I think it is ISB (irritable bowel syndrome)

 

Anyway, there are cards available for these people to show if they are in a queue for a public loo and need to jump the queue.

 

Would something like that help you in public places ?

 

I agree with the others about it being fine to ask at a friend's house.

 

Maybe if you are out with friends you could ask if anyone knows where the ladies is, rather than actually saying you need the loo IYSWIM

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This has been a life-long issue for me too! I always used to find using toilets away from my own home very difficult: they smelled and felt 'wrong'. I learned to manage to a point as life went on, but I struggled with the euphemisms people used: would you like to wash your hands? and so on. Also I could never judge the right moment in a conversation when it felt appropriate to ask!

 

I don't recommend the way my problem was resolved: I lost my remaining inhibitions when a nasty illness led to the surgical re-plumbing of my system (how's THAT for a euphemism!). On one hand this can lead to some total toilet disasters very occasionally, but it also means I have to drink lots more water just to keep the system running! That's really fun when you are Vicar of five churches, none of which have toilets, so it's become a matter of careful planning involving identifying non-overlooked corners of graveyards!!

 

Sorry, this post doesn't offer much in the way of new insights, but it comes with my warm sympathy and understanding over this particular issue, which is one that can become quite restructing in terms of activities and social life.

Edited by Chris P

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Thanks for all of your kind answers, I feel a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one who gets worried, and that other people think it isn't rude to ask to use the loo. I think I just have to force myself to say something when I need to go, and hopefully it will get easier. Practicing stock phrases might help as well, although I think I might get a few funny looks if I asked where the ladies is!

 

I hope you don't mind, but could I ask a few more questions about situations that particularly worry me? One thing I particularly struggle with is making an excuse to slip out when I am with a group of people. For example, last week I went to a party where about six of us were sat round chatting. I just couldn't find the right point in the conversation to excuse myself, as interjecting in the middle of a discusssion would seem rude, and when everything went quiet I just felt too vulnerable as I knew everyone would hear me and there were a couple of guys there I didn't know that well. I could't just quietly say something to my host either because she was sat on the other side of the room.

 

Also I quite often have a problem in public toilets like the ones in the library, as if I have to go in a cubicle and there are always people outide I get too shy to come out, and sometimes can get stuck there for as much as half an hour if its busy. Sometimes I even can't work up the nerve to open the door even if there isn't anyone outside in case someone walks in. I know I probably just have to force myself with this , but its not easy and I feel so sheepish.

 

I know this is a bit silly, but do people you are with notice how long you are taking in the loo? This particularly worries me if I, um, have to do more than a wee, but can also be a problem if my bladder is really full, or I have been holding on for a long time. Sometimes I have panicked and stopped while I am still bursting because I am worried people will notice I am taking too long, which can be really painfull and means I need to go again really soon.

 

I'm sorry for another long post, but I would really appreciate your advice. If I can just stop myself worrying about all of this it would make a huge difference to me.

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Hi, it's thanks to people like you who are prepared to admit these issues, that stops others of us with similar issues feeling so strange/different/whatever. :)

 

I guess there's two issues, the leaving groups and the going out of the toilet/worrying about spending too long. Both of these apply to me and I think the reason may (at least in part) be due to an awareness of my HFA, as I don't think these were such issues when I was younger, pre-dx. What I think has happened is that I am much more aware now that I've really struggled to understand and respond to what others may be thinking, whereas before I was blissfully unaware that anyone thought differently to me or was thinking any things about me at all as I wasn't thinking them (if that makes any sense at all!! :wacko:). Because of this awareness of a 'deficit' (for want of a better word) I now am super-aware that others may be thinking different things, but because I still really struggle to know what they may be thinking, I tend to come up with all sorts of possibilities and try to choose the most appropriate, and often, for whatever reason, I often choose one that involves others thinking of me in a negative way, perhaps because of how others have thought of me in the past and perhaps too because at least if I go for the most negative, they can't be thinking any worse of me :wacko::rolleyes:.

 

Where I'm going with this is that I spend so long thinking about what others might be thinking now that it then affects what I am able to do, so exactly the situations you outline - I panic about leaving a group because I'm thinking so much about what they may think of me (even if in reality they're probably not thinking anything, or at least anything negative). Stock phrases hasn't helped me because it's much more about the issues with what others are thinking rather than what to say.

 

I don't know how much these issues are affecting you / how much you want to address them, but you may find, as I have, that a CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) approach helps as this works on altering your thought patterns and coming up with alternative thoughts. There's CBT books on things like social anxiety which may help, or you may be able to be referred for some CBT counselling through your GP.

 

As to your question of whether people notice if you spend a long time in the loo, maybe sometimes, but it's not something they're going to ponder for any length of time. If you think about it, it's probably better to make sure the job's done properly the first time (if you get what I mean) rather than going several times which would probably draw more attention to the issue. If you think you're a long time, you can always say when you come out, sorry, long queue for the hand-drier (or whatever).

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seems weird,strange,odd type of social anx behaviour .... but i can personally relate to this as i get like this too feel like being 'watched' in toilet situations or listen to when in toilet feel embarrassed shy .... didn't know why now know as i have official diagnosis at same time of A.S of social anxiety disorder i feel uncomfortable uneasy when at someone house and need the toilet desperately feel too shy to ask so i just wait until get home .... and by that time crossing my legs and bursting for the toilet when reach home! relief when get in the toilet ahhhh........ feels so good! even when go public toilet checking if anyone's watching me think paranoia as usual mind playin tricks on me!!! start feel panic rise if there is toilet que get angry annoyed irratated frustrated for waitin .... must be common A.S related anx /social anx public issues surrounding

 

XKX

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Did you know you can get a RADAR key so you can use the disabled loos ? They are not just for wheelchair users.

 

We got ours from our council (free) but they sell them in a lot of disability catalogues and on EB#Y for less than £5.00. You don't have to declare why you want it, or sign any forms.

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That's a very good point about the RADAR key. I have one and it has given me a lot of peace of mind. I have never had to use it myself, only once when I was out with my grandma and the loos were a bit manky, she was very pleased to use the disabled one.

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Thanks again for all of your replies. I think you are trying to say that people aren't quite as worried about me using the loo/what I am doing there as I think they are? Deep down I think I've always half known this, although it still doesn't stop me getting terrified whenever I feel I have to go.

 

CBT might be a good idea, although I think I would far rather look at a book than talk to my GP about this. I did know about RADAR keys (I think I read it in another thread), although I'm not sure if it would be much help in my case. It's not really the environment of loos that worries me, more what people are thinking about me; so I think I would probably feel more embarressed coming out of a disabled toilet than I do with a normal cubicle.

 

I really hope you don't mind if I ask another question, although its probably me over thinking things again. Everyone seems to agree it is ok to ask to use the loo, but I'm sure I have got it into my head from somewhere that it is a bit of a social misdamena to, um, do more than a wee if you are at someone else's house or out with people? Sorry, I know you must be getting fed up with me, but it would really help to hear someone refute this. Also when does it become ok to ask? Obviously if you can't hold on anymore there isn't a lot of choice, but is it ok if you probably could wait, but would be much more comfortable for going?

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Thanks again for all of your replies. I think you are trying to say that people aren't quite as worried about me using the loo/what I am doing there as I think they are?

This is certainly what I am trying to say. I do recognise the difficulty of convincing yourself of this though!

 

CBT might be a good idea, although I think I would far rather look at a book than talk to my GP about this.

A trained therapist can be very helpful for guiding you through the process and offering you help for your specific problem and another person's perspective on it. However, there are some very good books which can offer a very good second best option.

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