Tantrum/meltdown in public.

[Lilypad]

I just need some advice as to how to control my son's temper. I had an awful time with him today when we went to the supermarket to get a couple of things. As it is Saturday, it was very busy and my 7 year old son had a huge tantrum over a little thing where he kept screaming very loudly. Everytime he did it, people were turning round and staring. My other son who is 10 was stirring things up by saying things to annoy him and this was making the whole situation much worse. I was doing all I could to control him and to stop myself from crying. It was a complete nightmare and when I got home I just burst into tears.

 

I just really need to know what to do in this type of situation. My son still hasn't been diagnosed but we saw a paediatrician yesterday who said he definitely shows signs of ASD.

 

For those who have children with a diagnosis of ASD, do you have strategies for coping/dealing with this type of situation? Or do you have someone you can call to talk you through it? I am at such a loss as to how to cope when he is behaving like this. It is my worst nightmare to have people staring at him like he is a monster and at me like I am a bad mother.

 

Please please give me any advice at all...it will be very much appreciated.

[JsMum]

Did you prepare your son in advance to the shopping trip, for example give him time to prepare for the trip by giving him a warning.

 

Supermarkets are very busy, noisy, heavy lighted places, and can effect sensory needs of children on the ASD.

 

Could there be any way you could involve both boys in the shopping trip such as make them both a visual shopping list and they have to search for certain items.

 

Make a list of rules while you are shopping, for example, No been mean to each other, saying nasty comments ect...

 

Make a list of stratagies that will help your Suspected ASD Son cope in a supermarket.

 

In the past we had to start with just a social story of shopping at a supermarket, then we made a trip just to see the supermarket, then slowly we built it up so J could cope five mins inside, we made a time out card so if he was panicing or getting stressed he could walk out for five mins fresh air, where we would do some breathing exercises, and then either try again or go home, evenutally we increased the time at the supermarket, now he can depending on his mood cope for around 20 mins, after that he becomes distruptive.

 

Ensure your not going shopping when he is tired, or hungry.

 

Try and not shop at really busy times of the day.

 

Give your son fiddle toys, ear defenders/ or music players, to soften the noise, sunglasses/ coloured lens glasses.

 

Try and place days you go to the supermarket on his own calander, a calendar has really helped us.

 

Supermarkets are at the end of the day boring, and not of at all interest to a child, it is hard enough with one child, and you have two, so it is very demanding and stressful task.

 

Hope the ideas help.

 

JsMumx

[Lilypad]

Thank you for that, yes you were very helpful!

 

I have decided to make some lists in 'word' to help me with his problems as I have been given advice on other things and then forgotten what exactly I've been told! So, i've used your tips and hopefully they'll come in very useful!!

 

Thanks again

[caci]

When you have kids with ASD, what others see as really simple everyday things seem to cause the most upset.

 

A trip to the supermarket, on a busy day, with 2 kids, is probabaly one of THE hardest things to achieve without problems.

 

AS JSmum said, planning, meticualous planning, before you go will make things easier, but sadly there is no quick fix.

 

Be kind to yourself, and only take them both togther if there is absolutely no other option.

[Suze]

just wanted to add that my son was like this , if I could I would try not to take him with me, if he had to come we make it quick etc.However the main thing I wanted to say was that now he is 15 he is tons better actually enjoys it and helps me, with ticking stuff off the list etc.

[baddad]

Can I just ask what you did/what you do to sanction his behaviour? And is his behaviour 'rewarded' (i.e. can he usually avoid going to the shops or doing anything else he doesn't like if he behaves like this?)You say your 10 yr old was making it worse by 'winding him up'... If he was actually winding him up, what sanctions did you impose on him for doing so, and is he usually allowed the 'reward' of seeing his brother getting more wound up without receiving any sanction? If your 10 year old was actually saying things like 'stop' or 'shut up' or in other ways trying to stop his brother's behaviour it's a bit harsh to judge that as 'winding him [your other son] up'. While not a 10 year old's place to do that, it would actually be an entirely reasonable response...

While the 'strategies' outlined elsewhere can certainly be helpful, they all begin with the assumption that your son has some intrinsic difficulty or 'special need' regarding shopping and that this is related to autism. It could just be that he doesn't like shopping, and that acting up /playing up either gets him a reward (maybe bought something to 'keep him quiet', maybe shopping trips get cut short or maybe he just likes seeing everyone dance to his tune and the sense of control that gives him) or doesn't attract a meaningful (to him) sanction. There are many, many children who behave this way in supermarkets - I see lots of them every Saturday - and generally it is not autism at the root of the problem but boredom or a complete disinclination to be in the shop at all. If he has a special interest (i.e. games console/whatever) would he 'cope' with queuing to buy a new game or controller he wanted? Would he be able to cope with shopping if he knew that not coping with shopping so aggressively led to a full days exclusion from his console (by which i mean the reality of a full days exclusion rather than a 'threat' made in the shop that wasn't actually enacted after the event)?

As I've said, nothing wrong with the strategies outlined, but all are pointless if the 'problem' is boredom/whatever rather than a 'problem'.

When my son was much younger I found that firstly a 'walkman' helped and then a hand held console, but ultimately it was him knowing that like it or lump it we were going shopping and that any aggressive attempts to circumvent that would be sanctioned. I don't think that's any different to the lesson any child has to learn, whether autistic or neurotypical.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

[justine1]

Hi

 

My boys are the same age to your boys(10 and 7), I also have a 4yr old and 2 yr old.My 7yr old and my 4 yr old both have a diagnosis of ASD. I do have the problem of my 10yr old "winding up" his brothers, it is quite normal behaviour. I used to have alot of trouble going out to shop whilst pregnant with my last born, both my ASD boys would be all over the place and it was very stressful. I eventually ceased going to the shops and have been shopping online for 2 years now!

 

However I would not recommend this at all!! I have just moved home and havent had internet access so have started shopping again,my 7yr old is so bewildered by this "new experience" and I have lost him on 2 occasions (though the tantrums are no longer)! So I think I am right back where I started.

 

I would recommend all of what Jsmum suggested, both boys will have to learn how to cope with shopping at some point and more so if your son does have ASD as it will teach him skills for later on in life.So perservere, I agree maybe the boys can take turns going shopping with you,maybe with a special treat at the end? Something to look forward to. Maybe if you know the layout of the shop you can draw a map and your son can let you know where to go next or do a picture shopping list.

 

I agree with Baddad too, if either of them "mis-behave" there should be a consequence to this, it works with my boys as well.

[Lilypad]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

baddad when I say my 10 year old winds him up, I suppose what I mean is that he knows that when his brother is having one of these tantrums, he doesn't like anyone speaking to him at all and he gets really angry if 10 yr old starts to speak to him (however nice/unpleasant he might be) so I think he does it intentionally to get him going.

I also have to say that I have never seen any other child behave like this while I have been out shopping and I always end up feeling as though I am the worst parent in the world.

 

As for online shopping, I always do my weekly shopping online as it is very stressful for me to take them both shopping with me. I work when they are at school, I don't drive and I am a single parent so I am unable to leave them at home if I go out anywhere. Often though, I need to go to the shops for a few things which is what I had to do yesterday. He has never been this bad before but I can see his behaviour is getting alot worse lately.

I am not only talking about the tantrums but other things now too such as, he will shout at people if they even glance at him (he hates being looked at, he seems to lose it when there are any loud noises around and the less stressful things like spinning and licking things are getting more severe.

 

I would just like to know how other people manage and get tips from people like me because at the moment, although I have appointments with CAMHS and a paediatrician, I haven't really been given any advice from them yet as they are still only asking questions about him.

[JsMum]

Justine " Maybe if you know the layout of the shop you can draw a map and your son can let you know where to go next or do a picture shopping list.

 

I really do think this is an excellent idea, however our local supermarket keep on changing where they put thier products so one day Tolilet rolls are on isle 8, the next there on isle 1, so you trapes around and around looking for bog rolls, it really is infuriating, but I do like the idea of the map outlay.

 

Lilypad"I haven't really been given any advice from them yet as they are still only asking questions about him."

 

Others here have been more lucky with CAHMS and support but in my area other than a ADHD Family Effective Training course and Medication we havent really recieved that much from camhs services, we really wanted play therapy and other behaviour modification support that was specific to special needs because mainstream parenting courses Ive had to modify to meet my sons needs, but play therapy and special needs behaviour management in our area there was lack of funding, I have had to seek advice from other organisations such as Contact a Family, BIBIC, and a local voluntary sector that support parents of special needs in my area as J has a mixture of diagnosis plus his social and communication needs.

 

I think looking back J has really come on in supermarkets, and he wouldnt even step foot in primark with the bright lights, now he has coping stratagies he is beginning to broaden out his choices and there is less reason to place in sanctions and ban his consoles as Ive met the underlying reason to his behaviour and reactions, bottom line is J did use to in the past create and kick off just so I would leave the supermarket he didnt care if every console he owned or electronic gadget he had was confescated, as long as he had got out of that supermarket as soon as possible, that was his goal, he hated shopping, but we recieved support from Bibic and other provisions who gave us stratagies and it has really helped us.

 

Due to Js eating issues we go shopping on a daily basis now to buy in the ingredients for his tea, this is giving him a real feel of what it is like to learn the basics of learning the skills to be hopefully independant, he chooses his menue, we then go to the supermarket and he picks up the ingredients, he then takes the items to the self check out, which he loves to do, but I hate the PLEASE PLACE YOUR ITEM IN THE SHOPPING BAG, Over and over again, J even shouts at the vioce over, he then places the money into the self checkout money payment section and takes the reciet and helps carry the shopping bags home.

 

At home he then helps prepare, cut and cook the ingredients and helps make Tea, this way he is involved in all the process.

 

we rarely buy in a weeks worth of shopping as we shop more regularly, it also cuts down the time you shop and most definatly less waste because when we where weekly shopping, a lot of it was going off and went in the bin.

 

I think it is important that children do have choices and be part of the decision process, J is growing into an adolescent now and he can defo make up his mind on what he has for tea and if he is involved he is more motivated into doing the shopping.

 

I think you have to look at the underlying reasons of why a child behaves the way they do, SN or NT and not always act on consequences of that behaviour, because otherwise your just for ever giving out consequences and punishments and you still have to deal with meltdowns/tantrums in shopping malls.

 

JsMumx

[trekster]

I just need some advice as to how to control my son's temper. I had an awful time with him today when we went to the supermarket to get a couple of things. As it is Saturday, it was very busy and my 7 year old son had a huge tantrum over a little thing where he kept screaming very loudly. Everytime he did it, people were turning round and staring. My other son who is 10 was stirring things up by saying things to annoy him and this was making the whole situation much worse. I was doing all I could to control him and to stop myself from crying. It was a complete nightmare and when I got home I just burst into tears.

 

That's the point though, it is not a little thing to him it is a major source of his distress.

 

I just really need to know what to do in this type of situation. My son still hasn't been diagnosed but we saw a paediatrician yesterday who said he definitely shows signs of ASD.

 

Borrow a book on meltdowns or behavioural issues and ASD from the library.

 

For those who have children with a diagnosis of ASD, do you have strategies for coping/dealing with this type of situation? Or do you have someone you can call to talk you through it? I am at such a loss as to how to cope when he is behaving like this. It is my worst nightmare to have people staring at him like he is a monster and at me like I am a bad mother.

 

Please please give me any advice at all...it will be very much appreciated.

 

i wasnt diagnosed until i was 16 and i still get punished for having a meltdown. As if i could choose to be that way? (rhetorical)

[baddad]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

baddad when I say my 10 year old winds him up, I suppose what I mean is that he knows that when his brother is having one of these tantrums, he doesn't like anyone speaking to him at all and he gets really angry if 10 yr old starts to speak to him (however nice/unpleasant he might be) so I think he does it intentionally to get him going.

I also have to say that I have never seen any other child behave like this while I have been out shopping and I always end up feeling as though I am the worst parent in the world.

 

 

 

Hi again lilypad -

For clarity, I'll respond to each thing individually -

 

Obviously I can't know one way or the other if your ten year old is 'trying to wind up' your seven year old, but whether he is or isn't it's a discipline issue that includes both children. Firstly, your seven year old's behaviour is classic 'controlling' behaviour; he is stating, quite emphatically, with his 'tantrums', that he will not be told what to do either by his older brother, or (as he doesn't respond appropriately to you either) by you. He has learnt from past experience that when he enacts these behaviours they go unchecked, and are actually rewarded. Under those circumstances it is odds on you will see an escalation of the controlling behaviours, which is exactly what you tell us is happening. To decrease the behaviours you have to define a 'boundary', stop rewarding them and start imposing meaningful sanctions. An additional and very important strategy would be to start rewarding good behaviour too, but you can't start doing this without having the boundaries in place first, because the boundaries define the 'goalposts' for achieving good behaviour rewards. In terms of sanctions you need to 'hit him where it hurts'. A verbal 'telling off' won't mean anything to him (if it did it would be working in the shops), and neither will idle threats of groundings or any other sanctions that are eventually dropped for the sake of a quiet life. He needs to know that if he does 'A' then 'B' will happen, and 'B' needs to be something he genuinely doesn't want to happen (games consoles and computer/Tv privileges are by far the most effective for most boys - but again, it is pointless saying 'no X-Box for two hours' if the two hours are then spent watching TV or playing on the computer... the consequence has to be meaningful). Along with the sanctions you need to think about how the behaviours are being rewarded and make sure those rewards are taken out of the equation. One very obvious reward from your posts is that he sees his brother being 'blamed' for his behaviours - a huge incentive for any seven year old. Your ten year old is actually suffering the 'double whammy' of not only being blamed for his seven year old brother's behaviour ('he winds him up'), but, by implication, your own inability to control his seven year old brother (the implication being that by 'making things worse' he hinders you in enforcing successful strategies, which, presumably, is a misnomer unless your seven year old's behaviour would be exemplary if only you and he went shopping?). There could be many other 'rewards' too - direct ones like inappropriate bribes (i.e. you saying you will buy him something if he behaves and then buying it even if he doesn't) or simply leaving the shop more quickly. Not nice to consider, I know, but all kids have a selfish streak that will be rewarded just by 'getting one over' parents or other figures of authority, and that's a huge motivator for seven year olds.

In a nutshell, provide boundaries and expectations and (meaningfully) enforce them, rewarding good behaviours if appropriate. You also need, if your 10 year old is genuinely making things worse, to do the same thing with him, showing him that it is not his job to sanction his 7 year old brother but yours, and that you are doing so effectively...

 

'You have never seen another child behaving like this'.

I'd bet you good money that I have, and that many other parents on the forum have too! That shouldn't be taken as an indication that such behaviours are exclusive to autism, by the way; they will apply to any child who hasn't been given or hasn't yet learnt to accept or respond to boundaries and sanctions. Every child you see in a supermarket has a 'social governor' - a definition in their heads of what is acceptable behaviour, what is unacceptable behaviour and (most importantly) where that line is crossed. There are many things defining that line, ranging from parental and local responses to crossing the line and the consequences of doing so to individual psychology and personality, but ultimately the only difference (unless there is a genuine medical consideration like a profound learning disability) between well behaved children and badly behaved children and all children between those two points is where they, and the people responsible for them, draw that line and how they respond when it's crossed. Of course, 'all children are different' - some kids will by nature be less inclined to go off on one in public (maybe because of embararassment or maybe just because they are generally calmer, more considerate people), while others really couldn't give a damn about what anyone else thinks or might actually enjoy and be rewarded by people's reactions to their aggression - so you can't make sweeping generalisations like having one 'good kid' makes a parent a 'good parent' or having one 'bad kid' makes a parent a bad parent... Either way, boundaries and consequences etc are still going to fundamentally define where a child 'draws the line'. Individual psychology will have more to do with which side of the line the child wants to be on, and I'm soft enough at heart to believe that the vast majority, once they are helped to a position where they can make an informed choice for themselves, will make the right one.

 

At the moment, everything you've written suggests just one thing; when you go shopping your seven year old is in control. That's taking the parent/child roles and turning them on their heads. You can adapt your environment to accommodate that topsy-turvy world view, but ultimately you will be disenfranchising your son from the 'world of the right way up'. Later on in life he'll face one of two choices - either having to put in the work himself to get 'rightways up' again, or spending the rest of his life (and perhaps forcing others to spend the rest of their lives) upside down. Neither of those options, to me, have the appeal of helping him achieve rightways upness now.

 

Hope that helps/clarifies

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

Hi Lilypad,

 

I have a dx of AS, and the eldest of my 4 also has AS, ADHD and Dyspraxia (although he's all growed up now, and presumably copes with supermarkets now as he works in one! ).

 

I would say you need a combination of the two approaches: firm boundaries and consequences, coupled with an insight into what may be going on for your 7 year old.

 

To give you an example, if I'm in a supermarket or a shopping mall, and it's very busy this is what happens to me. My hearing and vision go 'wack', so that noises become louder and louder and sort of 'boomy'. I can hear everything at the same volume, whether it's the person next to me, or people talking many feet away. With my vision I see 'too much', so I can see the stitching on people's clothes, the individual hairs of their eyebrows, etc. This whole sensory overload experience can get very frightening, and can tip over into a panic attack. A few weeks ago something similar happened at work, and I had to leave my room. I have often left supermarkets, or just bought the absolute minimum I need rather than my weekly shop.

 

Obviously I don't know if anything similar is happening to your DS. But I do think the suggestion of something like a personal CD player with headphones is a good idea, or a handheld games console, etc. Other ideas like picture lists of food, etc, are all good distractions, too.

 

If you can perservere it is a very good life skill to teach your son, so maybe start with shorter trips, perhaps without your other DS if possible, and see what improves things before trying a big shop.

 

Good luck!

 

Bid

 

Thinking about things, when I was a child there weren't really any supermarkets...my mum gave a list to our local grocery store who then delivered, or we went into the butchers, etc...so no supermarket horrors for me then, although I often had a tantrum over the butchers because the smell made me gag and I found the whole thing awful, with the carcasses and the sawdust on the floor...shudder! I used to beg to stand outside, but I do remember I couldn't explain to my mum why I hated it so much.

Edited November 29, 2010 by bid

[Karen A]

I also have to say that I have never seen any other child behave like this while I have been out shopping and I always end up feeling as though I am the worst parent in the world

 

I just wanted to reasure you that there are probably hundreds of parents who do not have children who behave like this when out shopping because they do not even try to take their children shopping.

 

.You are certainly not the worst parent in the world.My husband and myself went to one of the main London shopping areas yesterday.We are fortunate that Ben can now stay home with our elder son.We only coped for a while ourselves and have decided we will not now go shopping until January at the weekend.It was busy,crowded,noisy and full of agitated people.After an hour in TK MAX and a while elsewhere we had had enough.My husband refused to come into a womens shop and had I persuaded him he would probably have behaved like your son.There were plenty of other adults not doing much better and that was before they had found a parking space.

 

I will now be using one strategy to cope until after the January sales.....the internet.

It is a good life skill to learn to cope with busy environments.However I think it may be worth being realistic.Ben copes very well generally now but he hated the usual place that we go to for a few things yesterday when we popped out because it was so busy.Perhaps think about having another go at shopping in January when it less busy.For now practice on another area that is less of a challenge.An attempt at shopping in December with crowds,noise and tempting things on every isle corner would be the ultimate challenge for many parents.

 

The only other strategy I have developed over the years is a thick skin.I have found that for every person standing on one side expressing an opinion that my children need a slap there is always another on the other side asking why my poor unfortunate children are so unhappy and offering sweets to cheer them up.

The link might give you a few more ideas.It is from the NAS.

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/out-and-about/shopping-strategies-to-help.aspx

 

 

Karen.

Edited November 29, 2010 by Karen A

[JsMum]

I found this, which was by accident as I was searching for something totally different, but found this and thought about your post.

 

Hope it helps.

 

http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Health-and-Development/-/Special-Needs/Behaviour-and-Discipline-issues-for-children-with-Autistic-Spectrum-Disorders.aspx

 

JsMumx

[Sally44]

I totally agree with Bid. You need clear boundaries and alot of structure and visual support. But you also need to bear in mind WHAT might be causing him difficulties and there maybe some things that at this stage he simply cannot cope with yet.

As someone else posted, going into a busy supermarket appears 'easy' to us, but is sometimes one of the biggest difficulties for children with an ASD.

I remember queuing for the cafe, at a well known supermarket chain, my son ordered 'chicken nuggets' and we were told "they are no longer called nuggets, they are called 'chicken chunks'. Straight away I could his anxiety rise, and he said "I don't know, I don't know". So I said what about 'fish fingers' instead. And the woman said "they are no longer called fish fingers they are called "fish nuggets".

At that point my son collapsed on the floor and began screaming!!

He could not cope with the change in name of the food. That made it impossible for him to understand what the food was and he could not chose and he was very upset.

And I had a huge queue of people behind me. I know I apologised and mumbled something about "autism", and the woman said "it's okay take as long as you like". But supermarkets are well known for changing names, labels, location of food items etc.

I had to scoop him up and sit him on a table, whilst holding onto him.

When the food came he had calmed down a bit and we talked about how "the food looked the same" regardless of its name.

But language and choice and 'expectation' is a huge area of difficulty for my son.

[baddad]

I totally agree with Bid. You need clear boundaries and alot of structure and visual support. But you also need to bear in mind WHAT might be causing him difficulties and there maybe some things that at this stage he simply cannot cope with yet.

As someone else posted, going into a busy supermarket appears 'easy' to us, but is sometimes one of the biggest difficulties for children with an ASD.

 

Hi sally/all -

yes, I totally agree that you need to bear in mind what might be causing the difficulties, but that includes bearing in mind that the behaviours might be arising because the child does not 'like' shopping' or 'likes' the attention and/or rewards that he/she gets from enacting the behaviours. It's very easy to make assumptions - especially when the NAS etc 'drip feed' them to parents and normalise them - that there is something HUGE going on in the child's head, and to excuse or actually enable and reward behaviours based on assumptions. If you took that approach to every child of three who 'acts out' in shops, rather than just autistic ones, there would be far more NT children enacting these types of behaviours at age 7, 8, 9, 10 + etc too. The reason most don't are because their parents won't allow it, and because the child knows it won't be allowed, and the exceptions arise when the child knows he/she can and the parents will enable it. If you offer a child - any child - a potential excuse or cop out for bad behaviour they will take it, so any sort of dialogue, however carefully worded, where you ask a child - 'is it the lights' or 'is it the noise' or 'is it the crowds' will be leapt upon, but that does not necessarilly mean it's 'true'. Most of the time there's not even a question/answer process - the 'problem' is projected onto the child purely and simply because some autistic people (usually more severely autistic people who lack conceptual understanding regarding things like 'time' which enable them to make sense of such a trip) might have these kinds of problems. The possibility that the child is acting like a child is rarely introduced, despite being the most obvious and logical explanation.

So, yes, if the child has a genuine and identifiable issue (rather than an assumed one or 'localised ' one - i.e. it's only a problem when the child's in a situation he/she doesn't 'like' but appears not to be a problem when he/she is doing things he/she has chosen to do) then it is absolutely sensible to respond to it, and basic strategies to fend off boredom like a gameboy or MP£ make perfect sense too if boredom is a factor. But beyond that, and regardless of any genuine issue (if any exists) the fundamental and underlying need is for clear boundaries, expectations, sanctions and rewards, because all you'd end up with without them is a child wearing coloured lenses (or blinkers) and headphones, with plugs up their nose to block any smells, tethered to your wrist to stop them running away who is still doing everything they can to get out of the shop... And shopping is something we all have to do, like it or not.

 

NB: I would add that one of my first posts on the forum many, many years ago concerned problems I had shopping with my son. The walkman suggestion, which later evolved into a gameboy, arose from that. My paediatrician advised 'do the shopping while he's at school', as did his social worker and the NAS 'early birds' team. Had I listened to them, my son would probably still be having 'tantrums' in shops - and over many other things where the suggestion was to relinquish control over adult, family affairs to him. Either that or his own sense of social awareness would have kicked in and he'd have remodelled his behaviour for himself an option that, IMO, seems very unfair on the child .

 

Hope that helps

 

L&P

 

BD

 

PS: I would add that I'm not 'projecting' any of the above onto Lilypad's specific situation. I'm only observing that if no expectations were in place, and no meaningful sanctions imposed, then everything else is a moot point, because they are the foundation of any behaviour management programme, regardless of any wider issues that might need to be looked at too.

Edited November 30, 2010 by baddad

[Kathryn]

Don't beat yourself up too much: supermarkets can test the parenting abilities of even the most perfect parents, with their busy-ness and array of things on tempting display - many still have chocolates by the checkout!

 

On a more general note, the reason for the behaviour needs to be analysed before you can figure out how to deal with it. Tantrums because you can't have what you want, need to be dealt with differently from distress due to complete overload.

 

If you find your son's behaviour getting worse, and sensory difficulties increasing. it's worth thinking about whether there are other areas of his life causing emotional stress - at school for example, and looking at ways of reducing those. CAMHS need to get off their backside and help you a bit.

 

In the meantime, if supermarket shopping is one battle too many, I'm all for taking the avoidance route if you can, at least temporarily, until you feel strong enough to try it again - maybe not on a Saturday. Life lessons, such as negotiating a busy supermarket, have to be learnt, but they don't have to be learned all at once and within a certain time limit - and there are ways round things.

 

I wouldn't want to project my own parenting experiences onto you because I don't know what's going on with your son but my experience may give you some hope that things can change. My daughter had a period of about 18 months when she had severe issues with noise, lights, other people and the whole business of being out and about was so stressful for all of us that we just stopped doing all but the most essential trips - basically that was to the doctor and back - and she needed earplugs for that. No amout of sanctioning and rewarding would have helped - she was just not in an emotional state to be able to respond to it and it wasn't a power struggle that was causing the problem anyway. Sure I could have dragged her out shopping but at what cost to my own equilibrium?

 

Nowadays things are very very different as most of the underlying anxiety issues have been sorted, and she has matured. She loves shopping and frequently goes on her own to shop for her and for me. So no lasting harm done.

 

K x

[sesley]

I just need some advice as to how to control my son's temper. I had an awful time with him today when we went to the supermarket to get a couple of things. As it is Saturday, it was very busy and my 7 year old son had a huge tantrum over a little thing where he kept screaming very loudly. Everytime he did it, people were turning round and staring. My other son who is 10 was stirring things up by saying things to annoy him and this was making the whole situation much worse. I was doing all I could to control him and to stop myself from crying. It was a complete nightmare and when I got home I just burst into tears.

 

I just really need to know what to do in this type of situation. My son still hasn't been diagnosed but we saw a paediatrician yesterday who said he definitely shows signs of ASD.

 

For those who have children with a diagnosis of ASD, do you have strategies for coping/dealing with this type of situation? Or do you have someone you can call to talk you through it? I am at such a loss as to how to cope when he is behaving like this. It is my worst nightmare to have people staring at him like he is a monster and at me like I am a bad mother.

 

Please please give me any advice at all...it will be very much appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

first thing is to remain calm yourself and try to ignore the stares hard i know,give your 10 year old the list and see if he can fetch some of the items on it for you if he can do that and come back each time to you with each item.That gets him doing something. Your child of 7 distressed,then you find a way to calm him down by just talking to him,hard i know about anything, whats for tea tonight? for example. What triggers him? the lights?the noise the confusion? Give him a list too and get him to find the things on it.In the future. its unavoidable to go shopping without children particularly if you have no one to leave them with find out when the quitess part of the day for shopping is? Our supermarkets on SAturdays and Sundays are quietest before 10 am because in Scotland you can't buy alcohol before then and most people are still getting up at that time in the morning.

[bid]

On a more general note, the reason for the behaviour needs to be analysed before you can figure out how to deal with it. Tantrums because you can't have what you want, need to be dealt with differently from distress due to complete overload.

 

 

That's what I was trying to say!

 

Bid

[Sally44]

I was at the supermarket today, on my own. The snow seems to have bought out 'the xmas shoppers' and the store was busy.

Whilst waiting at the checkout no less than three adults complained about the queue (which nowadays means 2 people infront of you!)

IMO patience and tolerance has just flown out the window and we live in a "I demand it now" society.

To make it worse, the store was till training at the far end of the checkouts. It was quite clear that that is what was happening, and yet numerous people complained about staff 'chatting' at the other end of the store.

 

I know this is off topic. But NT adults can throw tantrums too apparently.

[MelowMeldrew]

I just need some advice as to how to control my son's temper. I had an awful time with him today when we went to the supermarket to get a couple of things. As it is Saturday, it was very busy and my 7 year old son had a huge tantrum over a little thing where he kept screaming very loudly. Everytime he did it, people were turning round and staring. My other son who is 10 was stirring things up by saying things to annoy him and this was making the whole situation much worse. I was doing all I could to control him and to stop myself from crying. It was a complete nightmare and when I got home I just burst into tears.

 

I just really need to know what to do in this type of situation. My son still hasn't been diagnosed but we saw a paediatrician yesterday who said he definitely shows signs of ASD.

 

For those who have children with a diagnosis of ASD, do you have strategies for coping/dealing with this type of situation? Or do you have someone you can call to talk you through it? I am at such a loss as to how to cope when he is behaving like this. It is my worst nightmare to have people staring at him like he is a monster and at me like I am a bad mother.

 

Please please give me any advice at all...it will be very much appreciated.

 

My ONLY strategy is to not shop with him. If it is clear these areas stress him out then don't take him there. When my lad had meltdowns I just returned him home, there is nothing else I can do about it. What I am doing now is trying to get him to small shops, see how it goes then build up a bit at a time, having said that it has failed so far ! also buses and any sort of crowd will set him off. I'm not bothered what other people think personally, if we did that we wouldn't go anywhere.... if he sees adults behaving badly its hardly any example is it ?

[sesley]

just make sure your kitchen draw is stocked with your favourite chocolate,put the kettle on for a nice brew,to eat with your chocolate and you can have a glass of wine when you have got home,when you get some me time. Its tough the public meltdowns your nerves become on edge so you need me time for your favourite indulgences.If you are into online shopping maybe you should try dot comt,they deliver to your door.

[MelowMeldrew]

just make sure your kitchen draw is stocked with your favourite chocolate,put the kettle on for a nice brew,to eat with your chocolate and you can have a glass of wine when you have got home,when you get some me time. Its tough the public meltdowns your nerves become on edge so you need me time for your favourite indulgences.If you are into online shopping maybe you should try dot comt,they deliver to your door.

 

I wouldn't adopt the online shopping option or i'd never go out the door. If there is service provision use it. Don't let the child dictate your entire lifestyle, having said that they succeed pretty well don't they ! When people ask me about autism I say just look at us we parents live the same way as they do.