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LisaKaz75

want another child

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Not sure if this post is going to come across well, but to say in advance I do not wish to offend anyone

 

There is kind of two strands to this post. Am desperate for another child Leo (now 3 diagnosed autistic) is the 2nd child from 4 IVF attempts. I would love one last chance to give a sibling, but A) am frightened of coping if I had another autistic child and B) worried about Leo coping with a little person in his space

 

I see from posts on here that many of you have more than 1 child with ASD how do you cope?? honestly

 

And how do your children cope? Do they ignore their siblings or interact with them?

 

I know this is a very personal question, but it is driving me and my husband mad. We have even thought of trying to adopt a child in a few years, where they are older and can understand Leo more and perhaps rule out the risk of another child with ASD

 

Any thoughts welcome

 

LisaKaz x

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Hi

From my experience you may want to wait,though it depends on your own situation. I have four boys my eldest and Sam(ASD) are 3 years apart, then Dan(ASD) came 2 1/2 yrs later and Eli 2 1/2 yrs after that. I cant cope!!!

 

The age gap is an issue really and now I feel my elest son is a carer to Sam,more so now as I am a full time student and single parent.My ex husband,the father of all four boys, is not very supportive,not financially or just helping to care for his boys. However, when I left him almost 3 years ago Dan(4) was not coping without him and now after long talks Dan has moved in with his father. This has made a huge difference for all concerned.I really couldnt cope with both my ASD boys living under the same roof,bottom line Dan didnt want to be here he didnt eat or sleep and now he is with his daddy he is happy.

 

Well as I say aside from the ASD issue I find it so hard to keep the balance my eldest is 10 now and feel I havent been there for him and he has missed out on soooooooooo much.If I could go back I would only have had 2 kids, they are expensive and time consuming. I love my boys so much and cannot imagine life without them but it is sooooooooooo hard! Even when I was with their dad it was hard, we both worked long hours and we never saw each other it was bleak.

 

With Sam I dont know what the future will hold, but he has had so many problems with education (he is bright but has been excluded many times and now is attending a ASD unit) that I really believe its the beginning of a long battle.

 

As I say I dont know your sitaution,but I assume it will mean you going for IVF again? If so it will cost money, isnt it better to put it towards the education of the children you have? If I was in that situation I would do exactly that.Adoption is also a very good alternative but again I would wait. What ever you decide I think it would be very wise to wait,at least until Leo is at school, that way you will know how much more support he needs etc.

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Just to add to my post that my two ASD boys get on very well with each other, they dont play in the traditional sense but they do interact at their own level. Though they dont get on that well with my eldest and youngest who are both NT.

 

If I were in a position to have a child I ont think the fact they may have ASD would bother me that much. I mean I really wanted a daughter but have ended up with four boys, its hard cause I would still love a daughter but I ont love my boys any less. An I certainly dont love my two ASD boys any less than my two NT boys.

 

However I think knowing what I know I would make sure I was more mentally,emotionally and most imporatntly financially prepare for a child in case they did have ASD. I mean my eldest son is NT and he is gifted I wish I had thought things through and had money to send him to a private school an save for Uni, but now I am having to make huge sacrifices to make sure he can still get everything he needs to succeed. So I think either way having a child is a huge decision.

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Well, I have 4 children, with my eldest having AS, ADHD and Dyspraxia. My second doesn't have a dx, but is very spectrumy with sensory integration disorder.

 

I was already pregnant with my second when he was initially diagnosed with Dyspraxia, then pregnant with the third when he was diagnosed with AS and ADHD. I lost a surprise baby next, then had my fourth who was planned but we didn't think would happen as I was older with gynae problems.

 

The thing is, you can never tell what's going to happen with children. For all the possibility of having more on the autistic spectrum, we actually ended up with the last two both having severe multiple food allergies which are life threatening.

 

It's undoubtedly true that having an older brother with AS has impacted hugely on the other three, sometimes negatively but also sometimes very positively too. And I do think that the other three have helped him a lot in very positive ways, too, if only because it's been impossible to focus all the attention on him. I think if he had been an only child it would have been very, very easy to over-focus on his autism, whereas a bit of 'just having to get on with things' can be very healthy for all kids.

 

Sometimes in life you just have to go for things...it's a bit like asking can you afford a baby? The answer is usually 'no', but people just go for it anyway :lol:

 

Would I do it all again...definitely!! We've loved having a large family, and I think all the kids have benefitted from each other.

 

If it would make you feel more confident either way, you can always ask your GP to refer you for genetic counselling. I have no expereince of this, but maybe someone else here may be able to help.

 

Good luck >:D<<'>

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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I have two children, with a 6yr age gap and they both have autistic spectrum conditions. My eldest was already diagnosed when we decided to try for another. I did not seriously think he would have any problems but he was diagnosed when he was almost 3 (both my children are high functioning, and dont have any serious health issues accompanying their autism though they have things like excema, hypermobile joint poor muscle tone which many children with autism have as well). I don't think I will have any more children, for me it is more than enough for us to cope with.

Its a personal thing though, I have met many families, some large and some small and often with more than one child with autism or other needs (medical as well). I think if you want it then you will cope and find a way.

 

I would in your position consider and write down all the possibilities of your possible decisions to have/ not have another child.

(i,e, not having a child, having a child, having a child who is then diagnosed with ASD, having a child who is then diagnosed with another medical or neurological condition, adopting an older child)

 

And then for each try and think about the positives and negatives of each scenario and ways of minimising the negatives.

I am sure if you did this from the heart and compared possible decisions and outcomes it will become clear to you what your decision will be. If you have another child you will have no way of knowing if the child will have autism or another medical condition but at least you will know what steps you can take to minimise negatives if this did happen, and you may identify many positives as well so even if it did happen that the child was on the spectrum you have thought about how you will manage/ cope.

You know yourself and your family best and comparing it to others (who may be more or less able to cope for a number of reasons) may mean you are influenced to make a decision that is not really right for you XXX

Good luck

 

p.s. Am I right in thinking you have two children now (an older sibling of your child with ASD?)

 

p.p.s. we had genetic counselling after youngest was diagnosed, they took a very detailed family history, my youngest son had blood tests to check for genetic defects and fragile X etc. They did not find anything. I took eldest to the appointment (they had asked me to) but he has never been tested for genetic defects like fragile x etc. And they never even spoke to, looked at or examined him. They looked at youngest's skin to check for signs of a particular condition associated with autism. And they they said any further children I had would have a higher than usual chance of being on the spectrum (cant remember exactly it may have been 25% increase over normal population), and said that when our children were older and if they wanted to have a family they ought to come and see them if they wanted. And that was it. Not sure what else I was expecting though!

If my son had had a gene which could be identified as the "cause" of his autism, or indeed if a child has a condition like haemophilia I think they may have been more use and better able to give us an more accurate idea of whether a child would have XXXX.

Edited by westie

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Hi all and thanks for your responses!!

 

Leo is an only child (I lost 4 previous pregnancies), and that is another consideration, I want someone to be there for him as well as me and my husband. I dont mean a carer just someone. i am an only so I feel pressure of parents etc.. and would love Leo to have someone to share this with

 

Realistically, we have had a tough 6 years! We got married, I had an ectopic, a miscarriage and another ectopic, then hit rock bottom. I had gone from a high of marriage to low of loss of fertility. Leo is our world! but we only received diagnosis a few weeks ago and my head is spinning!!

 

I just feel its changed our plans and may be it should not have done

 

Sorry am rambling. but its lovely that you all get the question and can share your feelings

 

Thanks

 

LisaKaz

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I don't think there is any 'right' way to feel in this situation.

 

We've always thought that a child could just as easily be badly injured or contract some disabling illness (and in fact nearly 2 years ago our youngest DD was knocked down by a car, and was extremely lucky to be left with only a disabled hand and nothing worse). We also had a Downs scare with our fourth, picked up at the routine 20 week scan, and while we were waiting for a more detailed scan we decided that if it was positive we would use the rest of the pregnancy to set up as good a support network as possible.

 

Again, losing a baby also made us think differently afterwards: although it was unplanned, losing it made us want another baby regardless of any risks.

 

We are all different and have different experiences that influence our choices...I hope you can both reach a decision that feels right for you.

 

Bid >:D<<'>

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wow if your child was only diagnosed a few weeks ago you will have a lot on your mind anyway besides this issue. Maybe in a few months, when you understand more about the diagnosis and your child is getting more help and support (and perhaps you will have built up a network of people to support both you and your family) then it will be easier to make a decision.

 

It sounds like you have had a tough time over the years, it has not been easy for you has it?

 

>:D<<'>

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Hi I havn,t read other people replies as i am on my way out to DS1 annual review but wanted to reply. Marcus was 8 when i gave birth to twins. Marcus has ASD and dyspraxia. We did lots of preparation work with him prior to the twins arrival told him the truth about how life would change, what would happen when I went into hospital, discussed the possibility of my needing to stay in hospital for a period of time if i had a caesarian or the twins were preterm etc. We tried really hard to keep his routine the same when they were 1st born and my friends were great helping take him to school etc as were all my family. Obviously life changed, his routine changed a little, he was used to coming home from school doing his homework and then having tea and then time on the PS2, there were times when this couldn,t happen because I was busy feeding or one or both of the babes was unsettled, there were odd times we were getting fish and chips at 21.00 hours. Marcus coped with all this, helped when he wanted to by passing nappies, switching of breastpump etc but on the whole took very little interest in the babies. This changed when they became mobile and could get his things, Marcus became upset if they touched his things and would shout at them. He was never physically aggressive but i watched closely. This has got worse as they have got older. They all argue a lot. At times Marcus will try to play with his siblings but often gets it wrong, it either goes to far in play fight and someone gets hurt(usually Marcus who is 5ft7 and stockily built, little Piers who is in age 3-4 clothes can knock ten bells out of him) or he invades there personal space and generally annoys them.

Piers was diagnosed with ASD at 5 and although different to M in many ways they have similarities and clash horribly. Also M is a very aloof ASD who is intensely private and P is a very loud, boistrous in your face ASD, this makes for an interesting family life as you can imagine. Throw into this Lydia who also has ASD traits (although undiagnosed) and it is even more lively. Lydia finds her brothers difficult she is often embarassed by her brothers behaviour and is very blunt with them telling them when there behaviour is innapropriate or if they smell (see post on lack of personal hygiene). On the whole I cope well now I don,t know any better and although at times i think why does everything have to be so hard on the whole you just get on with it. DH doesn,t cope as well but is getting better, his world fell apart when Piers was diagnosed and he suffered from depression at this time but is slowly coming to terms with it all.

We thought long and hard about having more children and were reassured ASD wasn,t genetic and as my husband isn,t Ms dad we would be OK, obviously that isn,t the case and they now say that the ASD probably is genetic and travelling down my family line. For all this I wanted another baby DH didn,t and I had womens surgery last year and the docs recommended I be sterilised. I agreed partly due to this and partly because at that time we were going through the diagnosis with Piers and Marcus was having a very tough time at school. I now deeply regret this decision. All of my children are extremely hard work but I love them all and try to do my best by them. The only regret i have is that none of them get enough one to one time and I often meet myself coming back IYSWIM. Life is different for us and I do sometimes envy friends who can just do things on the spur of the moment without a seconds thought but on the whole I wouldn,t change a thing, they are unique people who all have good and bad sides like everyone.

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