New, confused and curious

[anpuca]

Hello, sorry if this is in the wrong section, I wasn't sure where to post it.

 

I'm new here and was wondering if any of you who have been diagnosed with Asperger's would agree that the things I describe indicate that I too may have it? Or is it more likely to just be social anxiety?

 

(Sorry, this is going to be very long by the way)

 

Firstly, I am female and 17. Nothing from childhood would really be indicative of an autistic spectrum disorder- there was no language delay, no avoidance of eye contact, no marked trouble socialising- I was simply shy and academic. (OCD and general obsessive tendancies, eg. a fixation with 'good' and 'bad' numbers and words started at around 11). After primary school, my ability to communicate in social settings started to decrease and has been worsening ever since. I've become quite withdrawn and prefer to be alone most of the time- I always think I would like to have friends, but when I am around others, I tend to find it very uncomfortable and can find them irritating- I become increasingly tuned in to things like noise and the volume of their voices- it all seems too loud. I've read about unusual gait being a possible symptom of AS- it probably sounds silly but I don't move my arms when I walk- I don't notice it, it's just natural (and moving them seems strange to me), but it's something others comment on quite a bit.

 

I don't socialise- I haven't gone out with friends in about four years. There is a group I can sit with at school and I have normally have no trouble discussing things like homework with them, but anything else, and I tend to remain silent. When I do attempt to speak, it requires a great deal of effort and planning and generally they don't hear me anyway- I can't seem to speak loud enough to anyone outside of my immediate family. The communication difficulties are particularly noticable at work (I work in a clothes shop) and I'm pretty sure most of the people there think I'm either very rude or very strange- I can't seem to talk to the others who work there and the physical 'symptoms' are quite apparent- eg. stiff posture, making strange hand movements when uncomfortable and particular hand movements when stressed/frustrated, repetitive behaviour, stuttering. It's a lot easier with total strangers- I can communicate relatively normally in formal settings with strangers (eg. job interview) and with customers unless I'm being watched or something, however, I come across a lot younger than I am and am nearly always spoken to like a child which can get irritating. The strange part is, I am very aware at the time that I am coming across in a child-like way, I just don't know how to change it.

 

However, I have read a lot about things like lack of empathy and inability to understand sarcasm being symptoms of AS- I don't exhibit these characteristics at all- if anything, I am more tuned in to others' feelings and motives than other people- it's something I pick up almost automatically- being silent most of the time has allowed me to become very observant. I can empathise with others easily and care a lot for them but just can't express this in any way and therefore come across as cold and emotionless. I tend to become obsessed with certain characters in programmes/books, or certain people (inc. celebrities) for a period of time and want to find out everything I can about them- not in a stalkerish-way, just acquiring a large amount of facts with no intention of ever putting them to use. Other strongly obsessive tendancies come and go periodically, eg. exercise, weight loss etc. though I'm not sure if that's at all relevant.

 

Basically, I can mentally connect with others but physically, it's just a no-go zone. For the past year or two, things like eye contact and verbal communication are generally avoided when possible except with family members. I spend most of my time fantasising over silly things like conversations I would have with people, or conversations they would have with each other- my imagination seems to have strengthened since childhood! Things like speaking in groups or reading aloud are difficult- I tend to get shaky and sound barely literate and resort to self-harming out of frustration/an attempt at distraction whilst being asked to read in class. Though, in my second language, I don't mind speaking in public, which is leading me to stray away from the social anxiety idea.

 

Another connection with the list of female traits is depression, not so much on an every-day level- more accurately, 'bouts' of quite intense depression seem to come out of nowhere and take effect very quickly approximately every five weeks or so, lasting only a few hours but being very over-powering and leading to self-harming out of frustration at the time, as well as worrying my family which is something I hate doing.

 

I have quite distinct interests and spend a lot of time reading, walking and drawing, and do very well academically, particularly with languages and english, however the asperger's stereotype seems to indicate an inclination towards maths/physics! (which I definitely don't possess). I do have an interest in science and read a lot about psychology. The scientific ability comes less naturally- I read on the 'list of female asperger's traits' that difficulty remembering verbal instruction is quite common and that's something that is currently causing me to do badly in one of my school subjects- all the material is taught verbally and I need to write things out to remember anything- I do have a supposedly unusual ability to remember large chunks of written material though if that's at all relevant.

 

Overall really, the communication difficulty is the main issue and the main reason I'm wondering if I may have Asperger's, even though it's something that only started to become properly noticable at around age 12. I am very interested in people and it is highly frustrating to feel so disconnected at school/work to the extent that I avoid almost all social contact outside of those places. If anyone had any thoughts, that would be great. Even if you think I definitely don't have AS, that would be helpful too, and sorry for rambling!

 

Thankyou for reading

Edited December 10, 2010 by anpuca

[The Bristolian]

I'm new here too, though a lot older than you! I can identify with a lot of what you say, and also know those feelings of disconnectedness. I haven't yet been officially diagnosed, but the more I read, the more I think I have Aspergers.

 

One book that has really helped me recently is Aspergirls, by Rudy Simone. She has a website www.help4aspergers.com. From what you say, you might have read it already, but if not, it would be the perfect thing to read, particularly at your age. Reading the book for the first time at the age of 41, when I have children of my own, brought tears to my eyes in many places, to see someone really recognising and describing the day to day problems that were always dismissed as aloofness, shyness or impulsiveness with me.

 

Rudy is a woman who has Aspergers, but has also interviewed loads of women who have it, and records their experiences. What is also good about the book though is that she describes the assets of Aspergers women too, and in my life those had been seriously overlooked. With a few broken relationships behind me I was beginning to think I had nothing to offer a partner except trouble, when now, just off the top of my head I can think of three positive charateristics I have - loyalty, honesty and reliability.

 

Hope you find some support on here - hope I do too, come to think of it.

[trekster]

Welcome to the site both of you.

 

i am Asperger but i have found ways of dealing with it in public. i try and cope with my Asperger's by asking questions about

social conventions, sayings, how to recognise sarcasm in certain people and other questions about the social world. i tend

to pick up on others social skills but this can unfortunately include the wrong ones as well as the right ones. i am now

cutting down on contact with my autistic mother as she overloads me and i end up using her pushy behaviours with others without

realising.

 

i learn by 'delayed imitation' so i can follow a script for buying a drink but can get stuck if the drink i want isn't there

and also lots of sensory issues are happening around me. So unless i have a 2nd and 3rd choice in my head before i order my drink

i can get very panicked and stuck. Sensory stuff can be internal as well as external so im thinking every so often "do i need a

drink? do i need the loo?" do i need to sleep? do i need to eat". This internal dialogue can be quite distracting and along with

understanding what's expected of me in social situations can become quite exhausting.

 

i've got a Xmas meal as a part of one of my NAS groups that i volunteer with this week. i cope by arriving early and

setting things up, concentrating on directing the servers of 29 meals to the right tables and using a spreadsheet that i created

so we can give people the right meals. It is hard work and this Xmas meal has been growing in numbers and popularity year on year.

 

i am the social secretary and i arrange the Xmas meals and other social events outside of the pub group. i love my job but my mental

health problems caused by my past catching up with me are creating a few problems. i've just had my 1st appraisal where my role has

been clarified which i'm fairly OK with although it took longer than the average NT to get used to the changes.

[The Bristolian]

Thanks for that Alexis, and for your PM about local information.

 

Yes, I'm hoping to learn more about coping strategies on here. This morning I saw my GP and was given anti-depressants - now feeling a bit rough and will go to bed soon - but I wasn't convinced about the counselling he offered. I've had so much counselling in the past and it just seemed to go round and round. I'd much rather more specific practical ideas for coping, and if I'd had these a decade or two ago things might be different now. Then again, I try to accept I'm in the perfect place at the perfect time for "me", and had I had certain information ahead of time, I might not have learnt other lessons or met certain people.

[Tally]

A counsellor should be able to offer you practical ideas for coping. It all depends on the type of approach your counsellor takes. If you can be clear from the beginning that this is what you think would work best for you, then they may be able to find someone who can work with you this way.