confused

[laila]

Hi,

I'm not sure if anyone can help with this as i know Asperger's affects everyone in different ways, but i'd be really grateful for any advice. I'm in love with a guy who has asperger's and would love to be with him but he seems to hate talking about anything "emotional". He seemed to really like me to begin with, but as we got closer, he just seems to retreat more! The problem is, i have no idea if this is because of his asperger's or that he simply just isn't attracted to me anymore. I can't just ask him as it isn't something that he'll talk about at all. I don't want to be with anyone else other than him and don't want to give up on him, but if he just isn't interested in me anymore i know i'll have to at some point. Is there any way i can figure out what he wants?

[smiley1590]

would reading up on realtionships and A.S make things easier clearer understand have insight knowledge of where he stands in realtionship maybe! just an idea! here some NAS web links may help provide information etc:

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/en-gb/living-with-autism/parents-relatives-and-carers/partners/partners-some-frequently-asked-questions.aspx

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/en-gb/living-with-autism/parents-relatives-and-carers/partners/useful-contacts-websites-and-publications.aspx

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/en-gb/living-with-autism/parents-relatives-and-carers/partners/issues-for-partners-of-people-with-asperger-syndrome.aspx

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/en-gb/shop/amazon-store/partners

 

hope this helps in small way!

 

XKLX

[trekster]

You can only figure out what he wants by asking him. Sounds like hes finding emotional talk overloading,

i also have the same problem sometimes.

[bid]

Well, I would say that AS or no AS if a man is really interested they let you know. I think women tend to over-analyse things and find 'reasons' why a man isn't calling, etc, etc... but if a man is really keen then they go for it, and nothing much gets in their way.

 

Bid

Edited December 29, 2010 by bid

[Jannih]

Similar problems exist in neurotypical relationships. If one half of the relationship wants to pursue things at a fast rate, whether it be emtionally or physically, the other person will often back off, as they can't cope with the intensity coming from the other person.

 

The Aspergers might play a big part in his behaviour but also acknowledge that this happens with neurotypical couples as well.

[laila]

thanks for the advice guys. I've tried talking to him about it a couple of times but he just won't discuss it. I don't think there's much more i can do than just be his friend and see what happens. Like you said Bid, if he liked me he'd let me know. Its just so confusing as he gives such mixed signals. I'll probably get one of the books that Smiley sent a link for too. Even if he has no interest in me, i'm sure it will still be good for our friendship.

Thanks again

[laila]

Thanks Jannih, i think you posted while i was typing my last one. It always takes me quite a long time to trust someone so i never really rush into anything. I've had a couple of boyfriends before who i think have just got fed up of waiting and moved on so maybe thats happened again.

[sesley]

social interaction and understanding social ettiquette for ASD and Aspergers i imagine is very difficult and being able to understand feelings equally so. Time is needed for processing. Understanding for my 11 year old of pain,cold,hot etc and being able to express the feeling to the sensation is another difficult area.When he is older and his emotional feelings i imagine may well be confusing and difficult.He does thinks hate/like love/like are the same yet they have special deeper meanings. This person you feel attracted to,may have difficulty in expressing what or if he is feeling about you and may not react the way you expect him to react.

[charlotte]

would he respond if you emailed or text him? i am more able to say some things through typing even when i am in the same building as another person.

[laila]

social interaction and understanding social ettiquette for ASD and Aspergers i imagine is very difficult and being able to understand feelings equally so. Time is needed for processing. Understanding for my 11 year old of pain,cold,hot etc and being able to express the feeling to the sensation is another difficult area.When he is older and his emotional feelings i imagine may well be confusing and difficult.He does thinks hate/like love/like are the same yet they have special deeper meanings. This person you feel attracted to,may have difficulty in expressing what or if he is feeling about you and may not react the way you expect him to react.

 

I think you're right, as he does seem to avoid any conversations about how he feels, not only about me but about anything. Lately i've been avoiding mentioning certain things so we just enjoy each others company again without the two of us both ending up stressed. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do but it's definately the easiest!

[laila]

would he respond if you emailed or text him? i am more able to say some things through typing even when i am in the same building as another person.

 

This is the way i would find much easier too! He seems to be the opposite though and is more open and direct when we're together.

[Chris P]

Hi laila,

 

As an Asperger bloke I should probably put you in touch with my wife to see how she coped!! (It turns out she is Asperger too - must be catching!)

 

Don't give up on this man too easily is my advice: it would be fatally easy to misinterpret an apparent absence of emotional clues from him. Reading some suitable books may be very helpful (him then reading them as well would be even more helpful of course).....

 

If he tends to function in his head rather than his heart, then the right questions to ask him might be 'what do you think about (x or y)?' rather than 'how do you feel about (x or y)?'(Lots of 'feeling' questions can be translated into 'thinking' language with a bit of skill). He will have feelings of course, but may be afraid of letting them out in case they come out as an explosion rather than a bubbling up. Seeming to retreat as you try to get nearer can be just an Asperger instinct: I tend to do it myself, sorry. I guess from what you write that you find him quite difficult to 'read' at the best of times?

 

Finally, in our 29th year of marriage I have to say that it really does get better (well, it did for us, anyway, and didn't take 29 years!) - hope this helps!

[laila]

Hi laila,

 

As an Asperger bloke I should probably put you in touch with my wife to see how she coped!! (It turns out she is Asperger too - must be catching!)

 

Don't give up on this man too easily is my advice: it would be fatally easy to misinterpret an apparent absence of emotional clues from him. Reading some suitable books may be very helpful (him then reading them as well would be even more helpful of course).....

 

If he tends to function in his head rather than his heart, then the right questions to ask him might be 'what do you think about (x or y)?' rather than 'how do you feel about (x or y)?'(Lots of 'feeling' questions can be translated into 'thinking' language with a bit of skill). He will have feelings of course, but may be afraid of letting them out in case they come out as an explosion rather than a bubbling up. Seeming to retreat as you try to get nearer can be just an Asperger instinct: I tend to do it myself, sorry. I guess from what you write that you find him quite difficult to 'read' at the best of times?

 

Finally, in our 29th year of marriage I have to say that it really does get better (well, it did for us, anyway, and didn't take 29 years!) - hope this helps!

 

Thank you, this makes so much sense. I do tend to think about how i say things such as being specific about things but i never thought about changing language in the way you suggest. I'll definately try it. It does take a while to get used to, i still sometimes forget.

I do sometimes find him difficult to read, even though i find him so easy to get on with and talk to. I try to avoid subjects he doesn't like though as i don't see the point in stressing him but otherwise i don't see his AS as a negative at all, in fact usually the opposite.

Congratulations to you and your wife on 29 years of marriage by the way! That doesn't seem to happen much anymore!