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Sibling Rights and Responsibilities

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Firstly I want to make it clear that I'm fully aware this is a completely contradictory post!! :rolleyes: I think that just reflects my confusion about the issue(s).

 

My older brother (4 years older) has severe Autism and learning difficulties. He lives in (and requires) fulltime residential care.

 

I've never been involved in much to do with his life; he was at fulltime residential school then went straight into care as my Mum couldn't look after him at home. There's never been any expectation that I'm involved, and it's horrible to admit this but I'm so uninvolved, I wouldn't even know how to contact his home if there was an emergency situation - I know that's wrong and it makes me feel very uneasy, but that's the degree of uninvolvement I have.

 

Despite this, it doesn't mean that I don't feel, as the next older sibling, some degree of responsibility. I also feel that I want to at least have some input / say in his future so there is some family involvement when my Mum's not around. And it's not just about 'duty' but also wanting to be involved, even though realistically I know that I probably don't even 'exist' (if that makes sense) to my brother when I'm not physically in his presence. It's not about developing a relationship, but about not abandoning him, if that makes sense.

 

What rights do I have as a sibling to be involved if it's not something my Mum wants (she's very uninvolved and her lack of interest in him makes me angry which doesn't help this situation / dynamic)?

 

And at the other end, what responsibilities do I have - this may seem a cruel question, but will I be legally responsible for him when my Mum's no longer around, even if that situation where detrimental to me?

 

Is me having ASD / other issues going to complicate things further?

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Hi mumble -

 

Pure guesswork, tbh, so don't take any of this as read, but I think if you want to be involved with your bro and he's in residential care there's not really much your mum can do about it. The fact that he is in care means that contact etc would be at the discretion of the care purchaser - i.e. the local authority funding his placement - and the day to day care he receives directed by the care plan they provide. Your mum, if she chose to be involved, would have a 'say' in that, but so would any other professionals (i.e. social worker/consultants etc) providing the reports that are used to define the care plan directing the care provider. If your mum hasn't been involved, and hasn't been for many years, then she would probably have very little say in his day to day care other than with the agreement/at the discretion of those who are involved. Of course, most care homes, social workers etc etc try to work with the parents as much as possible - but utimately, if there's a feeling that what the parent wants will be detrimental to the person being cared for then the 'duty of care' placed on the providers/purchasers etc pretty much gives them the last say. In your case, as an adult sibling who will, in the normal run of events, survive your mother they'll probably consider your wish to be involved a positive, and - unless she comes up with a very good reason (and especially if she is uninvolved herself) - any attempt on your mother's part to undermine that potential relationship as a negative.

 

Responsibility for your brother is a different kettle of fish. You are not (as far as I know) legally responsible for your brother in any way, and wouldn't / won't be even when /if you are officially his 'next of kin'. He is an adult under the care/protection of adult services...

 

I don't think you having ASD will complicate things further, because you are not looking to act as his carer or anything. You're just looking to be involved in his life to whatever degree you can be, provided that it is beneficial to him too.

 

As I say, all of the above may be wrong, but they are 'educated guesses' based on the situation that prevailed when i was working in care. That was a good few years ago now, but I think it would be fundamentally the same...

I really would advise, though, that you get some further info from (i.e.) SS or the CAB, especially if you think there might be some objections from your mum to renewed contact.

 

Hope that's helpful, and don't beat yourself up for not having been involved in his life in the past. Personally, I believe more damage can be done by parents/siblings etc trying to do more than they can out of 'guilt' than by those who can be honest with themselves. There's no 'judgement' attached to that either way - I'm not for a minute suggesting that people who do make the decision that they can't cope are somehow nobler / whatever in any way; I just think that decisions made for the right reasons are always better than ones made for the wrong reasons, however well intended those wrong reasons might be. Hope too that your plans to renew contact can come good, and that it's a beneficial and positive thing for all concerned, including mum.

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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Thank you both for your responses - Charlotte, I may try the NAS and see what general advice they can give which may be helpful, although I suspect the specifics make this a little trickier.

 

Baddad, thanks, that's very useful and gives me things to think about. Yes, he is under the care of adult services, my Mum has very little involvement and his father is not allowed to be involved as his involvement was very detrimental.

 

I think you're probably right that the in-authority people (not sure what the collective noun would be!) would see it as a positive; I think the major difficulty will be getting that initial involvement, and I think it's my Mum that stands in the way there :tearful:. I shall have to think about how best to approach this, as it would probably be best, however hard, to approach her and go that way than go the other way round and say "surprise". I'll talk it through with my support workers as they have a good understanding of our family dynamics and should be able to help me through this.

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Have you tried to discuss the issues with your mum? I think the main key to your involvement is your mother, especially if your father has no say. Plus I think it's wrong if his father wants to be involved but is denied this opportunity. Even if it has been detrimental in the past, perhaps he just needs guiding as to what was detrimental and why. Aren't people allowed to make mistakes and have second chances? Particularly in situations like this that many people find challenging to deal with.

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Hi Mumble,

 

I have a close friend who has a severely autistic brother in law. He is about 60 now and has lived in residential care since the age of seven. His parents had very little to do with him and following his Mother's death my friend gently persuaded her husband and the rest of his family (all 8 of them) to become involved with his care. They have had several visits to the care home and he has visited them with carers.

My friend has a severely autistic son and she was amazed how similar he was to his uncle. Her brother in law is now included in a family who he is probably unaware of, but is now once again part of.

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I have a close friend who has a severely autistic brother in law. He is about 60 now and has lived in residential care since the age of seven. His parents had very little to do with him and following his Mother's death my friend gently persuaded her husband and the rest of his family (all 8 of them) to become involved with his care. They have had several visits to the care home and he has visited them with carers.

My friend has a severely autistic son and she was amazed how similar he was to his uncle. Her brother in law is now included in a family who he is probably unaware of, but is now once again part of.

That's really positive to hear, thanks. :) I'm trying to work out what it is I want (as opposed to what I think I should be doing, or what I would like but isn't realistic as some fantasy of family relationships). I think that it is just that I would like not to be totally uninvolved more than anything.

 

Plus I think it's wrong if his father wants to be involved but is denied this opportunity. Even if it has been detrimental in the past, perhaps he just needs guiding as to what was detrimental and why. Aren't people allowed to make mistakes and have second chances? Particularly in situations like this that many people find challenging to deal with.

With all due respect, you know nothing about the situation here (nor do I have any inclination to go into it with you) and whilst you have every right to make a statement about your view of a father's role in general, I don't think you can make comment on the specific case here, and it is not something I am prepared to comment further on.

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Sorry I wasn't aware from your post it was a sore issue. My previous post was clearly detrimental in this instance and it's a matter of judgement what detrimental might mean (hence my misinterpretation).

Edited by anewman

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I agree that the NAS maybe able to give you some advice on this.

The other aspect is the 'legal' side of things.

I have an older sister with learning difficulties. She lives and works independently. My mother and all the siblings have 'power of attorney' which means we can make decisions on her behalf if we need to. But my sister agreed to that and signed for it. This would probably revolve around money and healthcare issues if we ever needed to use it. And all the siblings have this power however we all have to agree to any action which is a kind of built in safe guard.

For certain things you would need your sibling to be able to sign that he agreed that you were his advocate, or to give you a legal power of attorney etc. If he is incapable of understanding such concepts he cannot sign for that.

My sister signed a letter that I am her advocate for any issues relating to working tax credits that she receives. This allows me to complete the forms and speak to them about any changes. However they did once lose it and insisted that they spoke to my sister before they would speak with me. So they spoke to her and not surprisingly she failed all the security questions. We did finally sort it out. But it was bizarre to see that the security was such that it meant she would fail to pass it. I can laugh about it now. But I cried about it at the time. So frustrating! And at the time they would not even give me the contact details of anyone to try to sort it out because my sister could not pass the security questions to prove who she was or that I was her advocate - arrrrgggghhhhh!!!

But the NAS or a solicitor should be able to tell you what level of 'legal' responsibility you could have if you wished.

I don't think there is any legal obligation on you to do anything.

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Another thing I thought about. If he is in a home and does not currently visit any family members and you think he would like to then you may need to involve social services so that he is able to do that if family members cannot do that themselves.

So if the family would like him to come for a day visit you should be able to arrange that. But it will take time.

There is an organisation about independent living, which you could google and get advice from as well. Although he is in a home and isn't independent in that respect. If he wished to visit outside of the home he should receive support to make that decision and achieve it. It is not unreasonable for him to be transported, with a carer, on a home visit.

You may also be able to arrange outside visits in a similar way ie. he is transported and supported and meets with a family member in the park for example.

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