Problem at school, but can't explain

[Saneasever]

Hi. Hoping somebody reading this might be able to help. My daughter (A. 9yrs old, Aspie) has a problem of some description at school. I say 'a problem of some description' because, try as I might, I can't seem to find a way of getting her to find the right words to explain exactly what it is without her getting so anxious that she starts to cry. All I've managed to glean is that it's something to do with a group of children at school, and the problems getting worse (her words). She hates school now (as a result) and will find every cuss word that isn't swearing to vent just how much she hates it, or she'll cry and get herself really worked up. She's never been one to act like this about school, and I don't know what to do to help her. She's only been diagnosed for 5 months, her peer group isn't aware of her diagnosis as yet (she's hoping to tell them at some stage after this half-term with the help of the ASD outreach team). How can I help her if she wants to explain but can't? (Incidentally,(A.) saw me writing this, hence the rabbit at the beginning. She also wants me to tell you that it's VERY IMPORTANT). I know that she really wants to tell me and get some help, but she just can't. What should I do???

[KezT]

have you spoken to her teacher/TA at all? they may know something, if not all details. Or does she have a friend, or just a reasonably mature child in the same class whomight be able to shed some light n the matter?

[Mumble]

Will she write down the problem or draw it and talk you through the drawing? That way she's not really 'telling' (which may be part of the issue).

[caci]

Can you try to draw the situation with her ?

 

Draw a matchstick person and write her name under it, then draw a second person and ask your daughter what that person's name is, and lable it. Ask you daughter if you should draw any more people.

 

Point to your daughter in the picture and say "what is she doing?", then point to each of the others in turn and ask the same question.

 

Hopefully you will be able to piece togther what has happened (or at least where it took place and who else was involved)

[Kazzen161]

or she could try using puppets/dolls to act it out.

[Shrinking Violet]

I agree with the drawing suggestion; maybe she feels that, if she 'tells', she's going to get into trouble with school, you - or both, or cause her to lose 'face' in the playground. However, drawing, obviously not being verbal. may not be classed as telling in her eyes.

[Mandapanda]

Hi

 

I used to find other children in the class were only too willing to tell me if Mj was having some sort of trouble. If you spoke to the teacher could someone observe your daughter through the day?

 

Have you asked her about her favourite bits of school, and bits of school she's less keen on? It may point you in the right direction.

 

In my experience the difficulties were playtime, the changing rooms, the cloakroom and the stairs. Noise, jostling, 'joking', mucking about, or downright being horrible can easily happen at these times when there is less supervision. My youngest wanted to join in football at playtime, but there was a large group who played for a club at weekends and were very cliquey and would never pass the ball to him, which made him feel very left out, especially as his best friend played football and left him standing.

[dm2010]

My youngest wanted to join in football at playtime, but there was a large group who played for a club at weekends and were very cliquey and would never pass the ball to him, which made him feel very left out, especially as his best friend played football and left him standing.

 

This is why I would not recommend team sports for Aspies if they have a choice.

 

Although having seen the disgraceful behaviour on and off the pitch at both Junior and Senior games locally, I'm not sure that football is a good choice for any child.

[Mandapanda]

Hi

 

How are you getting on? Have you found anything out? Please let us know <'>

[Sally44]

I hardly ever get anything out of my son either.

He seems to find it impossible to explain things when it involves how they make him 'feel'.

He never tells me what has happened in school anyway. I suspect alot of it just does not make sense to him anyway. He just does the work without really understanding what it 'means'.

 

We found out he was being bullied when another father phoned us and told us that the same child was bullying their son and had my child said anything to me. He hadn't. So I phoned the taxi driver (it was happening on the way to/from school even with an escort in the car with them!). The taxi driver said my son was getting so upset he had to stop the taxi numerous times and intervene. Yet he never said anything to me or school, and still hasn't.

 

We have been referred to Clinical Psychology and CAHMS and they have established that he has no emotional recognition in himself. He cannot label, modulate or communicate his emotional or sensory state.

 

Have you tried any of the suggestions posted. Have you spoken to the SALT (if she has one) about this inability to communicate things that are upsetting her. If she is having such difficulties it needs to be investigated. She may need some professional input to help her improve these skills, or if they are totally missing she needs the school to be aware of this as it would make her very vulnerable.

 

Ideally you want something more than a school "in-house" programme. Try school first to see if they have noticed anything and if they can refer you to SALT or EP. If they do see what they say. You can always phone them and speak to them yourselves and raise parental concerns, but they cannot go into the school unless school invite them.

 

You can speak with the autism advisory teacher too.

 

If you are not satisfied with the results with the above you can go to your GP, or preferably back to the person that diagnosed her (if she was recently diagnosed you might have an open appointment available eg. you can phone the hospital and say my daughter was seen less than 6 months ago and I have a problem with xxxx, and I need to see the consultant to discuss this.

 

The consultant can refer your child to Clinical Psychology, and you would want them to assess her.

 

Clinical Psychology cannot 'make' education do anything. But if they do find she has specific difficulties (which, lets be honest, are typical of being on the spectrum anyway), they can write up their findings and recommendations which they can and should pass onto the Educational Psychologist.

 

Depending on what everyone finds and how that is addressed (and how long it takes, and whether your child is coping in the meantime). You may sort it out in her current placement, or you may find this is the beginning of her showing that she is not coping. Things (academic, social, emotional etc) do get harder as they progress through school and there is lots of evidence that even those that initially were coping in mainstream secondary can get into difficulties and refuse school. To me that seems such a waste, having spent all those years in the school system to have it all go wrong in the final vital years.

[WillR73]

Any way you can get in touch with one of the kids she's having the problem witb? Kids ain't shy about telling you what they don't like. Sounds a bit like she's maybe said a couple of things that came out wrong - wrong'descriptions'. I'm 37 and I still do that a lot

 

That's just a guess - you won't know until you can find someone who is able to talk.